From Twitter 12-23-2010

• 12:00:02: Q: What's black, runs very fast, and robs you of all your money?
  A: An iPhone 4.
  
• 22:11:11: Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a cigar?
  A: The bigger the cigar, the more expensive it is.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-22-2010

• 12:00:17: Between Parkinson's & Alzheimer's, I'd take Parkinson's. I'd rather spill some of my cocktail than forget where I put it!
  
• 22:00:09: Snow is like a penis: Measured in inches, comes when you least expect it, and never gets as deep as you'd like.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-21-2010

• 12:00:03: I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
  
• 21:49:48: http://twitpic.com/3ia0mm
  
• 22:03:02: Just saw another TV commercial for Crab Fest at Red Lobster. Anyone else itching to go?
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-20-2010

• 12:00:07: If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize.
  
• 22:01:41: Driving in snow is like eating pussy. If u don't slow down & pay attention, you'll slide into the asshole in front of u!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-19-2010

• 12:00:03: I was gonna look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time...
  
• 22:01:30: I don't know why some men have sex with women whilst they are on their period. It's bloody nuts if you ask me!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-18-2010

• 12:00:06: Old cowboys don't die. They get deranged...
  
• 22:00:06: "The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Bob said half-heartedly.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-17-2010

• 12:05:18: Double negatives are a no-no.
  
• 22:01:42: Déjà Moo - noun - The feeling you get when you come home to the same fucking cow every day.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-16-2010

• 12:09:50: When making butter there is very little margarine for error.
  
• 13:32:37: HELP ME! My power windows r going haywire! Please read my problem & give input if u can, either here or at the link: http://mikeyp.us/cqpxn
  
• 22:03:39: Life ain't fair for a baby. They always get a bum wrap.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-15-2010

• 00:01:21: 32. Yay! (Not really...)
  
• 12:00:23: Bass players are very low-key.
  
• 22:11:49: The bomb squad was called at Lady Gaga's last concert! Apparently there was a suspicious-looking package on stage.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-14-2010

• 00:38:27: Wouldn't this be more helpful as a pre-Christmas Shipping Rush release?!?! http://mikeyp.us/olxwq
  
• 12:00:09: The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you!
  
• 15:33:20: What's your ideal pizza topping? — Kinda boring, I know....but it's pepperoni. http://4ms.me/e4OBog
  
• 15:33:47: Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf? — A vampire. It's sexier! http://4ms.me/hj8eGC
  
• 15:34:45: If you could go anywhere and spend the rest of your life th… — Oooh that's a tough one! Probably Europe somewhere! http://4ms.me/hJMvbx
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-13-2010

• 12:00:11: It's getting so cold outside that lawyers are walking around with their hands in their OWN pockets!
  
• 22:00:05: Facebook is like prison. You sit around all day and waste time, write on walls, & get poked by people you don't know.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-12-2010

• 06:25:13: Ad: Promote HalloweenAdventure.com Shop for costumes at a discount. Save money! Biggest variety, best selection. http://spn.tw/tN5xI
  
• 06:38:52: Just testing my new Seesmic Web App on my new Google Chrome OS Cr-48 notebook, or ChromeBook as I'm calling it. @googlechrome
  
• 12:00:06: My friend picked a dress & asked me if she could pull it off. With her body, I'd be surprised if she could pull it on!
  
• 22:00:10: Q: What gets easier as it gets harder?
  A: Sex.
  
• 22:22:06: Yaaay for the doctors! So thanks for that, CBS news. Now to watch the actual show!! :-(
  
• 22:29:03: Note 2 self: Make sure the nightly news playing in the bg for noise isn't from the network that just had the big finale you hadn't seen yet!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-11-2010

• 12:00:21: I feel sorry for lung transplant patients. How horrible it must be to cough up phlegm knowing it's not yours!
  
• 22:00:09: You know you'll die a virgin when you pleasure yourself by poking people on Facebook...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-10-2010

• 00:02:01: Wait...seriously?! Chia Obama, Washington, Lincoln, and the Statue of Liberty?!?! WTF?!?! http://www.chiaobama.com
  
• 12:00:11: I have a sneaking suspicion that absurd warning labels were written for me...
  
• 13:18:47: Just arrived today. Totally made my week!! THANK @GOOGLECHROME PILOT PROGRAM!! :-D http://twitpic.com/3epngt
  
• 20:06:50: Hysterical Humor Hotlines! Message from Santa 954-482-4376 & Frosty the Snowman 484-406-8018 (Note: NOT for young kids!)
  
• 22:00:13: You look like I need another drink...
  
• 22:53:08: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-09-2010

• 04:16:02: Totally loving Rev. Jesse Jackson right now!!
  
• 12:03:23: Everyone's mom is a great travel agent if you're looking to take a Guilt Trip down Memory Lane!
  
• 18:43:30: OMG This is so freakin' cute!! Imagine the hard work putting it all together!! http://youtu.be/8-0WVfj76bo
  
• 18:46:46: This is cool too! http://youtu.be/fsfYZkJXB1M
  
• 22:00:14: Straighteners... Ironically making you more gay.
  
• 22:18:05: Tortillas and fortune cookies for dinner... I hate my life...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-08-2010

• 12:00:35: When discussing geology and erosion, I often get sedimental and break down.
  
• 22:00:34: As a kid I remember lying in bed waiting 4 Santa 2 come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed & left.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-07-2010

• 02:46:49: RT @mashable: Gmail Priority Inbox Now Learns Much Faster - http://on.mash.to/ftIcAy
  
• 12:00:20: I like to imagine that Braille on random public signs often says "How did you know this was here?"
  
• 19:17:52: Welcome to Twitter, @googlechrome! I love your product!! I'm crossing my fingers on your pilot program!! :-)
  
• 21:00:01: RT @PhoenixCub: I just Elfed Myself! Check it out: http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/DI0WVDPj4tqpfbjt @MichaelParisi @ice9tre @daveaz79
  
• 21:00:44: RT @PhoenixCub I just Elfed Myself! Check it out: http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/DI0WVDPj4tqpfbjt @MichaelParisi @ice9tre @daveaz79
  
• 22:00:35: My boyfriend and I met while he was working at a Thai massage parlor. It's a great story...with a happy ending.
  
• 22:53:22: This is a partial video screencap of a pic animation service. I don't remember how to find it. Anyone recognize it? http://mikeyp.us/jfvcv
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-06-2010

• 12:01:32: I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal!
  
• 22:01:15: I made love with a disabled guy last night. He was good. Wheelie, wheelie good...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-05-2010

• 12:00:31: Being the fit, active guy I am, I punched a fat naked man in my bathroom today. Hurt my hand on the mirror though...
  
• 22:01:30: Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
  A: An armadildo.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-04-2010

• 12:00:08: I've just been diagnosed with Chronic Insomnia. But on the plus side, only 2 sleeps till Christmas!
  
• 23:35:54: Dear Genitals,
  Thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best!
  Sincerely,
  A Man
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-03-2010

• 12:00:21: You complete m
  
• 22:00:27: I wanna go down on you & make you happy. Then come back up slowly and fuck you real good...
  Yours truly,
  Gas Prices!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-02-2010

• 12:00:19: Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you all riled up in the first place?
  
• 22:00:09: My boyfriend is mad at me for turning him down for sex during our last airplane flight. But I don't give a flying fuck.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 12-01-2010

• 12:00:07: Great! My book ran out of batteries. Stupid future...
  
• 22:00:16: Q: What's the difference between a nun & a bathing woman?
  A: One has hope in her soul & the other has Soap in her hole!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-30-2010

• 03:22:06: Pls help me win an iPad! Spend $10 or more b4 tax/s&h @ ClipHanger.com today (11/30) & USE [email protected] IN THE REFERRER BOX!
  
• 12:00:24: This internet dating's very realistic. I've only been on one date so far and I already got a virus!
  
• 16:02:28: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 20:34:39: Bulk gin and store-brand tonic work just as well as the originals! :-P
  
• 22:00:07: If I had a clitoris, I'd never know it.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-29-2010

• 12:00:37: "Food for thought" seems like a pretty good deal.
  
• 22:00:17: Making love is fucking overrated.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-28-2010

• 12:00:18: If being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care.
  
• 22:00:16: I mixed up my sleeping pills and Viagra last night. I ended up having 40 wanks...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-27-2010

• 12:00:22: I couldn't get health insurance due to a pre-existing condition. I'm broke.
  
• 22:00:24: I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage. Jesus had two dads...he turned out alright.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-25-2010

• 12:00:23: April showers bring May flowers, but May flowers bring Pilgrims!
  
• 15:00:16: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
  
• 15:30:07: Keep your eyes off the turkey dressing...it makes him blush!
  
• 16:00:14: Wow! What a great spread...AND you made dinner!!
  
• 16:30:22: Talk about a HUGE breast!
  
• 17:00:15: I'm in the mood for a little dark meat...
  
• 17:30:27: It's Cool Whip time... Then I might have room for dessert!
  
• 18:00:16: I've waited all year to say "If I don't undo my pants, I'm gonna burst!" and not sound dirty!
  
• 22:00:45: Tying the legs together really did keep the inside moist...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-24-2010

• 02:38:06: It's a shame that Christians give Christ such a bad name! (Re: Apple approves hate-filled app) http://mikeyp.us/xchcu
  
• 12:00:40: I'm sick of hearing about the banking crisis! I've lost interest...
  
• 22:00:28: My friend says my jokes are obscure & don't make sense, which is funny considering his uncle used to grow his own onions!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-23-2010

• 00:20:01: Do porn stars get fat if they have too many creampies?
  
• 12:00:34: The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.
  
• 17:50:40: RT @michaelianblack: Just ate a bunch of oysters. Not sure if they're an aphrodisiac or not but I'm currently making love to a paper tow ...
  
• 22:00:27: You know the economy's in trouble when America's main export is tweets.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-21-2010

• 11:59:49: Reinventing yourself is easy when no one knows you exist.
  
• 22:00:05: My boyfriend caught me cheating on him with a midget. I'm trying to cut down on my adultery.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-20-2010

• 12:00:16: Is the Isle of Dogs the Isle of Man's best friend?
  
• 23:02:23: Isn't it funny how the longer you lie in the sun and do absolutely nothing, the darker your skin gets?
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-19-2010

• 12:00:12: I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different station every day.
  
• 22:01:54: Restrooms should be labeled in English. Cartoon silhouettes of sombreros & castanets don't mean anything when I'm drunk!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-18-2010

• 12:00:19: ook around to make sure nob
  
• 12:00:30: ody noticed.
  
• 12:00:31: If at first you don’t succeed, quickly l
  
• 12:52:25: Oops! How appropriate... :-P "If at first you don't succeed, quickly look around to make sure nobody noticed!"
  
• 22:03:47: I don't know who this 'Off' guy is, but it seems like everyone I meet wants me to have sex with him.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-17-2010

• 12:02:05: How do women in burkas tag each other on Facebook?!
  
• 16:59:55: Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
  A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
  (courtesy of Michael L. Pulsifer)
  
• 21:59:52: So many voodoo dolls, not enough pins...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-16-2010

• 12:00:00: If you heckle soldiers on Veterans Day, can you be arrested for being rotten to the Corps?
  
• 19:13:43: Uuuuh seriously?! Disney makes cat food now?! http://twitpic.com/37iakx
  
• 21:59:56: They say if a guy has big feet it means he has a big dick. That makes the thought of being raped by clowns even scarier!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-15-2010

• 11:59:59: Today some girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club. I was
  confused -- I'd never met herbivore...
  
• 13:26:52: Just absolutely WASTED my time, travel, and budget. Thanks for nothing, @Harrahs_AkChin!
  
• 14:30:35: My statement about @Harrahs_AkChin is amended, not retracted. They made it right but why does it have to be so difficult?!
  
• 17:47:07: RT @PhoenixCub Facebook announced a new email service today... but knowing Facebook, they'll find out a way to screw it up.
  
• 17:48:27: RT @PhoenixCub: Droid Pro: Most annoying ringtone ever | Android Central http://t.co/ZJKe2o2 via @androidcentral
  
• 17:49:48: RT @LachlanMarkay: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. #TSAslogans
  
• 17:51:49: RT @TSAagent: Longer lines will mean more time to get to know the other happy and friendly passengers you'll be getting molested with! h ...
  
• 17:53:11: RT @TSAagent: I wasn't going to announce the new TSA Club Card yet, u beat me to it. Every 12 pat-downs gets a reach-around! #TSAslogans ...
  
• 21:59:56: To my boss: "What's the difference between today & ur coffee mug?"
  Boss: "What?"
  Me: "I'm not coming in today."
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-14-2010

• 03:03:51: "Castles don't have phones, asshole!"
  
• 11:59:55: Why does @facebook have a Twitter account?!
  
• 22:00:14: I really don't understand people who say they don't believe in
  abortion. I mean, it definitely exists.
  
• 23:32:50: I'm just glad I saw or no one would've told me... :-/
  
• 23:35:58: Yaaaay I remembered!! (@ The Ice Tre) http://4sq.com/ccZHYV
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-13-2010

• 11:59:57: My boyfriend said I never believe a word he says. What a liar!
  
• 15:50:12: My boyfriend's spoof video "Confessional 70's": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhRgkSd1UZ4 or http://youtu.be/OhRgkSd1UZ4
  
• 16:04:21: I guess I should mention, he's @Ice9Tre! // Re: My boyfriend's spoof video "Confessional 70's": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhRgkSd1UZ4
  
• 21:59:59: Ugly girls are like prime numbers. Nothing will go into them except themselves.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-12-2010

• 12:00:00: I picked up a new car today. These steroids are fucking great!!
  
• 21:59:59: One Liners: People who can't handle their cocaine.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-11-2010

• 12:00:01: When life gives you melons...you know you're dyslexic!
  
• 22:00:00: Marijuana is like the Koran. Setting it on fire will get you stoned.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-10-2010

• 03:15:10: What's with these ice cream companies advertising "New Larger Size"?! Do they think we forgot ice cream always USED TO BE a half gallon?!?!
  
• 12:00:03: Recovering shoplifters: Get ur kicks by putting items into ur Amazon.com shopping cart & then leave without paying!
  
• 14:06:11: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:00: My friend had some work done on his dick and went into porn. He made it big.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-09-2010

• 12:00:06: I don't know why my boyfriend left me. I have the body of a Level 78 Paladin and the wit of a Level 89 Battle Mage!
  
• 22:00:01: Irony -- along with Washy, Cleany, Tidy, Hoovery, Dusty, & Dishes --completes the seven female dwarves.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-08-2010

• 12:17:06: My Italian friend and I decided to have a beard growing contest. She won.
  
• 22:00:02: Masturbation: The leading cause of tissue damage.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-07-2010

• 23:00:07: Transsexuals just aren't what they used to be...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-06-2010

• 12:00:13: I just broke up with this cross-eyed guy. I thought he was seeing someone else.
  
• 14:33:34: http://twitpic.com/34jbod
  
• 14:34:22: http://ping.fm/p/dusBi
  
• 15:31:22: More like AMAZING! :-D RT @PhoenixCub @michaelparisi & I just got back from a flight around the valley on @skywaymanaz's plane. It was fun!
  
• 19:06:29: http://twitvid.com/MXOCI - Here's the takeoff/landing of my first flight in a small plane! I can't wait to do it again!
  
• 20:01:49: Here's a MUCH higher quality version of the video from my last post: http://youtu.be/yeFWWeabZPc
  
• 20:20:41: Watch my flight video in HD on YouTube at http://youtu.be/yeFWWeabZPc or Facebook in my videos, or in SD on TwitVid at twitvid.com/MXOCI
  
• 22:00:16: Life sucks. But so do some guys, so it evens out.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-05-2010

• 12:00:12: Apparently, people think you're "weird" if you go to the movies alone. So I
  brought my cats...
  
• 22:00:04: My boyfriend said he'd leave me if I get too controlling. It's ok though...I won't let him!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-04-2010

• 12:00:06: The next person to tell me I over-exaggerate is gonna get stabbed!!!
  
• 16:35:04: Who didn't see THAT one coming?!?! I knew it was Kenny since the first Coon episode! #southpark
  
• 22:00:09: My grandma just found a lump in both of her breasts. Turns out it was just
  her knees!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-03-2010

• 12:00:07: NBC's "The Apprentice": A competition to find the biggest idiot
  outside of Washington.
  
• 22:00:07: Schizophrenia -- together I can beat it!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-02-2010

• 20:20:14: Damn! 11.1% of precincts in my area reporting so far & I'm not happy! I'm seeing red!! :-( There's still 88.9% left - there's still hope!
  
• 22:00:29: This morning, I went into a little stall and pulled the handle. Then I went and voted.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 11-01-2010

• 12:00:06: Fun size?!?! It would take at least 3 or 4 of those little candy bars before I would be even mildly amused!
  
• 22:00:08: Apparently Justin Beiber hit a 12 year old kid... I guess that's the
  closest he'll ever get to hitting puberty!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-31-2010

• 12:00:04: NEVER play leap-frog with a unicorn!!!
  
• 18:01:14: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! This is one of my favorite holidays!! :-D
  
• 22:00:11: Someone really should've thought to greet the rescued miners dressed
  up as the "Planet of the Apes"! Oh well...too late!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-30-2010

• 12:00:16: ust have a fortune by now!
  
• 12:01:04: Whoever invented the copyright© symbol m
  
• 16:03:07: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:21: I've deleted so much history on my computer it doesn't even know who
  the Romans were!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-26-2010

• 18:43:22: What a disappointment!! High walls and no lookout point! :-( (@ Hoover Dam Bypass Bridge) http://4sq.com/99j53r
  
• 20:23:37: The name says it all! (@ Fucking Kingman) http://4sq.com/9wkNIn
  
• 20:33:48: Loving the irony of a FedEx truck struggling to pass a UPS truck on the highway, especially since they're both hindering our progress.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-20-2010

• 18:01:12: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-18-2010

• 16:35:55: Interesting fact: October 2010 has 5 Fridays, 5 Saturday, & 5 Sundays all in 1 month. This hasn't happened in 823 years!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-16-2010

• 18:01:12: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-14-2010

• 06:13:18: Happy "Baby Jessica" Anniversay!! Can you believe that was TWENTY THREE years ago?!?!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-13-2010

• 18:33:04: Finding it very difficult to leave the house with a shiny new toy! But alas, it's almost time for Survivor in HD and I'm hungry!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-12-2010

• 17:45:36: PLEASE HELP! How do I sync my iPhone to a new computer and have it save all data? Please answer here: http://mikeyp.us/nbslw
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-11-2010

• 15:42:11: Why do businesses have "Follow Me On Twitter" signs up buy never post their damn username?!?!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-06-2010

• 18:01:13: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 10-02-2010

• 18:02:13: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-30-2010

• 22:17:14: http://ping.fm/p/JgC0g - Does thus look too empty to sell? Would YOU mention something at the drive-thru if your drink was this empty?
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-22-2010

• 18:03:11: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-20-2010

• 05:54:42: I'm at Im Drunk And Lost. http://4sq.com/aqj8It
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-18-2010

• 05:19:02: Nevada just *feels* better!!
  
• 18:02:48: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-15-2010

• 00:50:44: Just over 18 hrs until the premiere of Survivor Nicaragua AND the finale of Big Brother. My heart won't be able to handle the excitement!!!
  
• 07:58:57: Ad: TiVo is not just a DVR! Find ur fav TV show, movie & Web video from Netflix, Amazon/Blockbuster On Demand or YouTube http://spn.tw/tyhXR
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-10-2010

• 04:26:34: Shocked to discover that Orange Juice is second only to Water in Diet Mountain Dew!! Who knew?!??
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-08-2010

• 04:11:39: Do you loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo… — Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees! Of course I do! http://4ms.me/9cxsiF
  
• 04:11:51: What was the first music album/CD you ever bought? Do you still like it? — OMG I totally don't remember!! :-( http://4ms.me/cCJIFm
  
• 14:18:58: Just saw a sign on the freeway: "Bicycles Must Exit". What the hell would they be doing on there to begin with?!?!
  
• 18:02:59: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 23:35:31: http://twitpic.com/2mmr0z
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-07-2010

• 04:47:25: RT @PhoenixCub: Here are @michaelparisi and @ice9tre with their massive Love Boat dinner at Kabuki. http://post.ly/vr2X
  
• 04:47:38: RT @BestofTempe: Here are @michaelparisi and @ice9tre with their massive Love Boat dinner at Kabuki. http://... http://schmap.it/LQb ...
  
• 19:33:45: So far today had been the worst possible day ever...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-06-2010

• 08:12:06: The first thing 2 people talking on iPhones should discuss is who's in charge of calling back when the call drops.
  
• 22:02:39: This '1 Laptop Per Child' thing Obama is talking about... Where do I drop off the child & where do I pick up the laptop?
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-03-2010

• 07:20:43: So with my iPhone replacement comes a delay in my scheduled jokes. They'll be back soon. :-(
  
• 07:37:34: Does anyone know of an iPhone jailbreak for iOS 4.0.2? I neeeeed my biteSMS and SBSettings back!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-02-2010

• 02:23:58: Super pissed off about my iPhone crashing for the 4th time today!!
  
• 14:27:16: Sorry if anyone is trying to call or text me. iPhone won't boot -- power issue! Keep using my Google Voice number and I'll get the messages
  
• 16:26:27: OK - getting iPhone swapped out. If I've EVER sent you an MMS or an email with a pic from my iPhone, please send me back a copy of it!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 09-01-2010

• 02:37:59: Eeeew! Scabies all over the Jack in the Box guy's arm!! But I'm soooo hungry! What to do....?!?! :-(
  
• 07:07:23: Let's help @Serendipity3LV get more followers!! Then they can have @Foursquare specials!! :-)
  
• 08:00:28: Someone pls explain Iraq in terms I can understand. If this was a reality show, did we win? Were we voted off? Was last night the finale?
  
• 15:00:32: The trapped miners were told to sing & play games to keep busy. Wouldn't it be better if they just mined their way out?!
  
• 18:02:08: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:28: The Pope said he is praying for safe rescue of the trapped miners. How ironic. Minors pray for safe rescue from him!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-31-2010

• 08:00:56: My ex says that I never solve my own problems. How do I prove him wrong?
  
• 15:00:41: If God didn't want us to burn fossil fuels, why did he make them flammable?!
  
• 15:12:25: .@Survivor_Tweet #NowOnWed is not a big deal. It's where u started & where u should've stayed. I could've been a Friends fan if u did!
  
• 16:32:49: Oh shit! Are we not central time?! I missed the cutoff!! :-(
  
• 20:26:01: Just saw a freeway billboard for an epilepsy study. No one with uncontrolled epilepsy will be driving to see that!
  
• 22:02:22: I should just change my name to Help so the judge will believe they were screaming my name during sex...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-30-2010

• 04:00:07: RT @PhoenixCub: @foursquare Do you have a way to suggest badges? I don't see that option on your site.
  
• 08:00:18: Nothing says "I don't really give a fuck about you" like an e-card.
  
• 15:00:21: I used to be quite good at wordplay once a pun a time.
  
• 16:42:28: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Harrah's Ak-Chin Casino on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/6CA8I4
  
• 16:53:51: OMFG Wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes! 5 Aces at @Harrahs_AkChin Pai Gow -- TO THE DEALER!! Shufflemaster much?!
  
• 20:36:12: RT @dealsplus: Win #Apple Product in 1 hour. Just retweet this & follow @dealsplus to win. http://dealspl.us/giveaway/
  
• 20:44:28: RT @dealsplus: Win #Apple Product in 1 hour. Just retweet this & follow @dealsplus to win. http://dealspl.us/giveaway/
  
• 22:00:29: They say dog is a man's best friend. Well of course!! Who else would lick gravy off your balls?!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-29-2010

• 08:00:57: Q: Why does McDonalds put sesame seeds on their buns?
  A: So blind people don't eat the boxes.
  
• 15:00:20: I start my new job at a restaurant tomorrow. I can't wait.
  
• 22:00:28: A lion would never cheat on his wife...but a tiger wood.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-28-2010

• 08:00:21: I was at a very awkward party last night in an igloo. I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.
  
• 15:00:27: Wouldn't airport security would be more effective if they looked for explosive devices instead of bottles of water?!
  
• 18:01:28: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:23: There's nothing more ironic than seeing a wet floor sign that has fallen over.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-27-2010

• 08:00:49: My friend has no arms. I feel for him.
  
• 15:00:43: Do Muslims write OMA instead of OMG?
  
• 22:00:34: Q: What's the difference between a security light and my ex?
  A: A security light gets turned on when it sees me!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-26-2010

• 02:37:54: Wow! My hotel thermostat will allow me to set it as low as 45F if I want. I'm kinda tempted...
  
• 02:38:00: I like to think I'm irresistible to women. Or, as the courts would prefer, "stronger".
  
• 03:25:57: Well...that sucked. But it could be worse!!
  
• 12:42:28: R u KIDDING me @Harrahs_AkChin?! Hotel power out? No A/C, & kinda hard 2 breathe thru a CPAP that's OFF! Casino power is fine OF COURSE!!
  
• 13:02:39: I'm so sick of my boyfriend ripping up my paper airplanes. He's so fucking childish!!
  
• 13:48:44: Is it sad that my favorite thing right now (not counting people) is sleep?!
  
• 15:00:31: It's funny how men change. I never really noticed it until I set up a camera in the Wal-Mart fitting rooms...
  
• 22:00:29: The 3 most heart-warming words anyone can say to you: "Lack of Evidence"!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-25-2010

• 01:20:05: Besides junk mail, my PO Box had 1 letter from Mazda and 5 casino mailers. What does that say?!
  
• 06:15:51: I can't stop watching "Letting Go of God" with Julia Sweeney on SHO2. It's really good!!
  
• 08:00:43: I have a fear of flying. It's called Islamophobia.
  
• 15:00:44: The only thing worse than not washing your hands after taking a leak is just heading straight for the hand dryer!
  
• 17:10:32: Big rig pulled over by highway patrol!! SWEET!!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-24-2010

• 08:00:27: Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
  A: Because Jewish women won't accept anything that's not 20% off!
  
• 15:00:35: I'm a philosopher. I think.
  
• 22:00:39: I threw my boyfriend a suprise bukkake party last night... Awww, you should have seen his face!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-23-2010

• 08:00:36: A man was shot in the head with a starting pistol downtown last night. Police say it's definitely race related.
  
• 15:00:13: I tried to recapture my youth. But the little fucker was too fast.
  
• 20:50:35: Why can't I ever just break even?! :-( A 'free' casino giveaway just cost me $73.00 -- then another $551.00 to win the $73 back!!
  
• 22:00:25: I fucked a dwarf last night. It was okay, but I won't be making a hobbit of it.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-22-2010

• 08:00:24: Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: No one knows. They never get the fucking house!!
  
• 15:00:35: My ex said he needed more space. So I locked the fucker outside!!
  
• 18:52:12: I'm at US Post Office (591 Plaza Circle, Litchfield Park). http://4sq.com/7bLTxW
  
• 22:00:22: My friend suggested that we start having 'no strings' sex. I said yes. I don't normally use string anyway. I use rope!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-21-2010

• 08:00:30: Pirates are stupid. I wouldn't risk losing the only eye I had left by letting a sharp-beaked parrot on my shoulder!
  
• 12:05:04: It works!!!! :-D
  
• 15:00:26: Et cetera: An expression used to make others believe that u know more than u actually do.
  
• 21:17:36: I love that I have a BF who doesn't judge me 4 wearing Crocs in public!! I know I shouldn't but it's nice 2 not be harped on for it! LOL
  
• 21:40:15: I've seen haboobs, but never from the inside at 60 mph!! This is some scary shit!!
  
• 22:00:23: I got a tattoo of Confucius between my ass cheeks. I wanted a wise crack.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-20-2010

• 08:00:25: I've heard a lot of people referring to HIV as "the eighties disease". They're right...it IS a retrovirus.
  
• 11:52:53: Got my CPAP!! :-D (@ Good Night Sleep Wellness Center) http://4sq.com/axSZkc
  
• 12:04:23: Way overdue for a haircut!!! (@ Great clips) http://4sq.com/bdtDWS
  
• 14:56:21: I just passed a big truck with AZ license plate "BB 2". I'd like to think a #BigBrother contestant of yesteryear was driving!
  
• 15:00:22: A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single!!
  
• 22:00:18: Last night I rubbed coffee granules on the end of my dick. I came in an instant.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-19-2010

• 08:00:25: Never judge a book by its cover...unless the word Twilight is written on it. Then you know it sucks.
  
• 15:00:27: It's mean to start rumors about the death of an annoying pop star. People will be mad when they find out it's a hoax!
  
• 22:00:26: My ex thought I had erectile dysfunction. I didn't have the heart to tell him he was just ugly...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-18-2010

• 08:00:38: I once bought my ex some shoes. It was damn expensive! The blacksmith only sold them in fours!
  
• 15:00:33: My bank will text me with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.
  
• 18:07:08: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:26: My friend called me a liar, so I slapped him across the face with my 13 inch cock.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-17-2010

• 08:00:39: Is it just me, or do the 'before' & 'after' pictures of Haiti look the same?!
  
• 08:14:45: India has adopted a very positive stand in laws pertai… — Civil rights issues should not be up for debate by the… http://4ms.me/dDhiUh
  
• 08:16:31: Today Indian youth wants to celebrate Independence day in it's own way besides the official cere… — Uuuuh... What?! http://4ms.me/bxqDpm
  
• 08:20:36: Ask me anything!! http://formspring.me/MichaelParisi
  
• 08:22:28: If there is a poor boy from a poor family will you help him by giving food or money? — No. http://4ms.me/d30OxK
  
• 08:23:23: Do you think someday gays will be in majority? — There are already more than anyone can even guess!! http://4ms.me/a0CQUd
  
• 08:25:39: what's the first will you do if left alone in an island? — Look for Jeff Probst! http://4ms.me/b4vrNo
  
• 08:28:08: where do you get fucked generally? — At home. http://4ms.me/aMs7VZ
  
• 08:29:38: Why do bottoms always expect tops to travel to them? — Maybe they'd drive if they had bothered to meet beforehand! http://4ms.me/9b84az
  
• 08:30:05: Have you done porn? — No. http://4ms.me/d7aCYQ
  
• 08:30:30: Whats the greatest # of men you've had sex w/ in 1 day? — I hate fractions. http://4ms.me/ais8CT
  
• 08:31:12: Do you ever fuck ass? — I'm flattered, but you'll have to buy me dinner first!! http://4ms.me/abhTzt
  
• 08:32:02: How hungry is your hole? — I haven't bothered to ask it before. http://4ms.me/90IUOJ
  
• 08:33:12: do you have regrets? — Of course I do! http://4ms.me/dmqyV2
  
• 08:35:08: what is the limit of sex with one guy before you switc… — That's just a sad, sad question and shows what's wrong… http://4ms.me/dlf8uH
  
• 08:36:08: do you carry a pencil when you go to bed? — Doesn't everybody?! http://4ms.me/blXTEo
  
• 08:38:59: What ice cream flavor would you like to invent? — Dark chocolate ice cream with chocolate chip cookie dough!! http://4ms.me/d0Ho5f
  
• 08:40:20: What day of the week does your Birthday fall on in 201… — It's on a Wednesday this year. I'm not gonna lie: I'll… http://4ms.me/aNPTbe
  
• 08:42:31: oi o que vc faz da vida? — Huh?! http://4ms.me/a03zle
  
• 09:11:03: RT @PhoenixCub: I don't understand gay men who find the need to call each other girl and refer to each other in feminine pronouns.
  
• 09:15:48: My Twifficiency score is 54%. Whats yours? http://twifficiency.com/
  
• 09:17:49: RT @StarbucksTink: RT @LilyStarbuck: RT @MarleeMatlin: jst a matter of time bt marriage equality will prevail as in Mass, DC Iowa CT, Vt ...
  
• 09:23:09: RT @LilyStarbuck: I could've lived my entire life without hearing the word 'Biebergasm'... He should be crucified upside down for inspir ...
  
• 10:01:14: Ad: If I needed glasses, I'd go with Frame Number 319916. It'd make me look smart! :-) http://spn.tw/ttWeX
  
• 15:00:40: It was so cold today, I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!!
  
• 15:04:47: Happy Dead Baby Day!! @PhoenixCub
  
• 15:09:30: Brothers!!
  
• 20:35:22: Sleep Study part 2... With the CPAP this time. I'm so exhausted and ready for this!!!! (@ Good Night Sleep Wellness Center)
  
• 20:35:22: I just became the mayor of Good Night Sleep Wellness Center on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/axSZkc
  
• 21:54:57: 1 of the 25 or so wires isn't reading so I might be forced to reschedule my sleep study. This is kinda stressing me out!
  
• 22:00:28: There's no such thing as premature ejaculation. If you can't keep up, that's your problem!
  
• 22:55:20: Yaaaay it's happening!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-16-2010

• 06:07:20: RT @PhoenixCub: Yummy! Lane in the pool on #BB12! Thanks @MichaelParisi for taking the photo. http://twitgoo.com/1iedts
  
• 08:00:20: Walk ur female friends home at night cause if u don't & something terrible happens to them, u won't get to see it!
  
• 13:54:09: Need 2 get up early tomorrow so I'm tired 4 my final sleep study tomorrow night. Any ideas 2 wear me out 2day so I'll be tired early 2nite?
  
• 15:00:17: I like to find couples in stores, & when they're not looking, drop anal lube in their cart. The arguments are priceless!
  
• 22:00:16: Some men are like butter... Only useful when spread!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-15-2010

• 08:00:25: I got stoned after rolling a joint in a mosque.
  
• 09:31:11: #BigBrother, Pizza, Penny Casino (PaiGow/AsiaPoker, MississippiStud, LetItRide, Craps, 21, Slots), Wii & night swimming. My place. Who's in?
  
• 09:39:16: RT @jac1975: TEABAGGER= Totally Enraged About Blacks and Gays Getting Equal Rights. LMAO!!! #lgbt (via @Marrangona)
  
• 09:39:53: RT @Emperor37ANofSF: ♁♁ ♂♂ CONGRATULATIONS CALIFORNIA! ♂♂ ♁♁
  
• 09:41:56: RT @TheCowlicker: Grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncl ...
  
• 09:43:36: RT @NicoandArthus: RT @freedomtomarry BREAKING: Judge Walker lifts stay, and same-sex couples now have the freedom to marry in CA #Prop8 ...
  
• 09:51:09: #BigBrother, Pizza, Penny Casino (PaiGow/AsiaPoker, MississippiStud, LetItRide, Craps, 21, Slots), Wii & night swimming. My place. Who's in?
  
• 15:00:30: Don't spend millions on airport scanners! Simply hand out bacon skewers. If they dont eat, they dont fly!!
  
• 17:01:47: I complain abt the Promotions staff & they post a job opening! Wishful thinking?! RT @Harrahs_AkChin: Promotions and Events Coordinator Job
  
• 17:04:05: Too good to be true! Im the mayor of everything there, with occasional thefts RT @Harrahs_AkChin: Foursquare promotions are in the works!
  
• 17:04:50: (unless they saw who the mayor is and changed their mind and are finding a way out of it. That's my luck)
  
• 22:00:26: Always cum first!! Sex is a race and everyone loves a winner.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-14-2010

• 03:31:58: Shame on you, @Harrahs_AkChin! Ur Promotions staff rly needs customer service training. You're about to lose us as Diamond players this way!
  
• 03:32:47: Are plumbers always late for appointments because they're too busy making porn films??
  
• 08:00:28: I'm a recovering alcoholic. And by that, I mean I have a hangover...
  
• 15:00:24: Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you just took a shit.
  
• 18:08:04: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:20: Why are laptop speakers always too quiet for music but too loud for porn?!
  
• 23:19:41: I'm weeks behind on #SYTYCD (& that's MY fault), but of ALL PLACES to have the outcome ruined for me: a fwy billboard?! Seriously?! :-P LOL
  
• 23:22:45: Wish me luck on my sleep study tonight!! Pray I stop breathing!! LOL I really need to get my hands on a CPAP!!
  
• 23:26:35: Time for my sleep study!!! (@ Good Night Sleep Wellness Center) http://4sq.com/axSZkc
  
• 23:56:23: Holy crap this place is nice!! It's like a hotel!!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-13-2010

• 08:00:26: I watched a movie with my friend last night. I was on the edge of my seat. Fat bitch!
  
• 12:29:18: What kind of music can you just not stand to listen to? — Rap! http://4ms.me/9ZnkKt
  
• 12:30:19: If you had access to a time machine, where and when wo… — To my mom's 61st birthday dinner: August 2nd, 2008. I … http://4ms.me/bonLFX
  
• 15:00:24: I HAVE DECIDED TO WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS FROM NOW ON. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN SACRAMENTO.
  
• 19:18:08: Happy Friday the 13th!!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-12-2010

• 04:11:42: Just so u know, according to Joslyn in the Diamond Lounge, a French Martini is not a 'gay drink'. It's just 'sensitive'!
  
• 08:00:26: When I visit a public bathroom, I bring along a George Michael album on the off-chance I may be able to get it signed.
  
• 15:00:31: My boyfriend told me that he's camera shy. Who the fuck told him about the cameras?!
  
• 17:17:57: Approx 14 of the past 48 hours have reeeeeeeeally sucked!!!
  
• 22:00:26: Hot lesbians: God's way of saying sorry for fat chicks.
  
• 22:56:11: I just became the mayor of The Ice Tre on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/ccZHYV
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-11-2010

• 08:00:20: I have a trophy wife. It's just a shame the trophy isn't first place...
  
• 15:00:22: Facebook: A way to keep up-to-date with all the parties I haven't been invited to.
  
• 22:00:34: Does being part of the human race count as exercise?!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-10-2010

• 05:45:59: Why do people think that calling a fat guy "big guy" isn't offensive?!?! News flash: IT TOTALLY IS!!!
  
• 08:00:43: When arguing with ur wife it's probably not the best idea to remind her that even the Wii Fit thinks she's a fat bitch!
  
• 08:22:42: Insomnia grrrrrrrrrrr
  
• 15:12:16: Q: Why do women outlive men?
  A: Because they don't have wives!!
  
• 22:00:20: I arranged a three-way last night... There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-09-2010

• 08:00:21: I don't see the point in sending money to Haiti. It's not like there are any shops left to spend it in!!
  
• 15:00:21: Stable relationships are for horses.
  
• 22:00:12: This joke is like my penis: It's not very long and you're probably gonna laugh at it.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-08-2010

• 08:00:30: The PGA voted Tiger Woods Player of the Year. Sources are unsure if they were actually referring to golf though...
  
• 15:00:21: My friend got his flu shot earlier. I coughed on my gun and fired it at him.
  
• 22:00:16: Q: What do you call a Pakistani porn star?
  A: Ramit Baldeep
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-07-2010

• 08:00:25: I went to a Chinese restaurant & got great service. The waiter was so fast it looked like there were 5 of him!
  
• 15:00:21: What's worse: Your wife finding porn in your web history, or your wife finding nothing in your web history??
  
• 22:00:21: The Vuvuzela: The most useless, annoying, and despised piece of musical plastic since Michael Jackson.
  
• 23:12:34: The @TS_Resort is disappointing. 1 CasinoWar, 1 LetItRide, 3 ThreeCardPoker, & ALL Blackjack! Where's the dang selection?! Paigow Poker?!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-06-2010

• 08:01:17: My friend criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
  
• 15:00:30: I'm trying to cut down on masturbation, but it's really hard...
  
• 22:00:38: Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
  A: Banned from the petting zoo.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-05-2010

• 03:58:15: VERY FUNNY!! Call 401-285-0060 to hear a new (fake) Movie Hotline!
  
• 08:00:24: I just bought one of those memory foam beds. I'm impressed!
  
• 22:46:15: I remember when my mom would tuck me in. She really wanted a daughter...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-04-2010

• 06:58:05: I love my iPhone (not AT&T), but this is really funny!! Thanks goes to @PhoenixCub for this: iPhone 4 vs HTC Evo http://mikeyp.us/wfdil
  
• 08:00:30: Discreetly placed microphones really bug me.
  
• 15:01:11: If u play a Justin Bieber album backwards u hear msgs from Satan. Even worse, if u play it forwards u hear Justin Bieber!
  
• 18:01:26: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:16: My grandpa was shocked to learn he had Alzheimers......again!!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-03-2010

• 17:20:12: I'm gonna call a distribution company. It's gonna be "Roped Up Bear Feast: Meat Edition". (-@Ice9Tre)
  
• 17:20:55: With no service a lot of my posts didn't go thru on time. So here they come...
  
• 17:22:58: My Asian friend was horrible at karaoke last night. It went down like 99 Lead Balloons.
  
• 17:23:34: Puberty is going to hit Justin Bieber harder than Chris Brown hit Rhianna!
  
• 22:00:40: I was asked at airport customs "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
  
• 23:03:39: .@Harrahs_AkChin, why do u exclude @Total_Rewards Diamond members from Platinum giveaways?! Frankly, we spend more & deserve more, not less!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-02-2010

• 00:27:31: I still think about you every day, Mom. I wish you were still with us and could share in my new life. I love you. Happy birthday.
  
• 08:15:44: When my dad told me to strike out on my own, I assumed I would have three tries!
  
• 15:00:20: Isn't it discrimination that gingers can only use two lifelines in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?!
  
• 22:01:22: Q: Who would win in a fight to the death between the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber?
  A: Music.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 08-01-2010

• 08:00:21: "Here comes Bono! Quick...act starving!!"
  
• 11:44:46: Yaaaay for cold and rainy!! I freakin' love it!!!!!!!
  
• 11:46:48: Oh and btw, "cold" is 82F!!
  
• 15:46:05: Something tells me I have schizophrenia...
  
• 22:00:46: Does anybody else feel awkward when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?!?!
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 07-31-2010

• 08:00:47: The only thing better than winning the lottery is winning the lottery the day after your divorce becomes final.
  
• 15:00:25: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish and he will steal your identity!
  
• 18:01:19: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:24: Susan Boyle reminds me of computers. Whenever I see her, my cock goes Microsoft...
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 07-30-2010

• 08:00:28: When the shit hits the fan, your toilet is probably in the wrong place!
  
• 15:00:42: I feel so sorry for Justin Bieber. Everyone picks on her.
  
• 15:35:44: QASA: 98.5%
  WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
  
• 22:00:39: The Catholic church doesn't approve of homosexuality...unless it's between a consenting adult and a choirboy.
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 07-29-2010

• 08:00:20: I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
  
• 15:00:44: I wonder how many mimes have died because nobody believed they were choking...
  
• 22:00:29: With the success of "Toy Story 3", BP is in talks with Disney to produce "Try Finding Nemo NOW!"
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com

From Twitter 07-28-2010

• 08:00:22: "Rap" is to "music" as "Etch-A-Sketch" is to "fine art".
  
• 15:00:28: I spent most of last night in jail. Try as I might, I just couldn't roll a fucking double!!
  
• 22:06:34: Does anyone else find it strange that only ONE company makes Monopoly?!?! (Thanks to Karen Elder for that one!)
  

Tweets copied by twittinesis.com