I'm pretty sure the best thing about being Jesus is knowing that your parents never fucked.

Birthdays are like cats. The more of them you have, the more likely it is that your furniture will smell like piss!

Stephen Hawking said that, if in great pain, he may consider assisted suicide (aka "Task Manager" or "Ctrl+Alt+Del").

Stephen Hawking said that, if in great pain, he may consider assisted suicide (aka "Task Manager" or "Ctrl+Alt+Del").

Noah's Diary: "Day 39. Unicorn Pie is fucking delicious!!"

There's a new drive-thru opening in Portugal called McCann's. The window's always open and you just take what you want.

I had a family BBQ yesterday. Or 'arson and murder', as the police called it.

I went to that new Thai restaurant in town. It's really weird -- there's condom machines in BOTH restrooms!

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

Just robbed my bank's online support. Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

I like to call my dick 'The Fountain of Youth' because the guys that drink from it never get old.

Facts: Jews don't recognize Jesus as Messiah, Protestants don't recognize Pope as leader, Baptists don't recognize each other at Hooters.

Women are like matches. They don't work properly unless they're struck.

Why gay marriage is wrong! Pick one: Gay POV http://youtu.be/WYPVISQR9fY Straight POV http://youtu.be/lSfFa44p96o

One of my favorites! "Let California Ring" http://youtu.be/GG7ddWLF_Fk (This commercial used to make mom sob!)

What if we all had 'traditional' marriage? "The License" http://youtu.be/ntC0PNHFRgU

Betty Bowers Explains Traditional Marriage to Everyone Else http://youtu.be/OFkeKKszXTw

If I was a hungry African child, I would do something about it instead of staring at cameras all day.

I can't support the rights of people who would deny me mine!

Churches are lucky they have the freedom to practice their religion here. They shouldn't use that freedom to keep freedom away from others!

My thoughts on NY's historic gay marriage decision & why I think it could cause more harm than good: http://goo.gl/AL266

My thoughts on New York's historic gay marriage decision and why I think it could cause more harm than good...

Although what's happening in NY is *wonderful*, it's still upsetting that the laws both in NY and across the country protect religions more than citizens in a country that supposedly has a separation of church and state!

For example, if I ran an establishment that wouldn't serve black people, there's no law I know of that specifically prevents me from doing so, but there's also no law that *specifically* protects me from repercussions if I do! That's pretty much what NY has done! This is merely a TINY step in the right direction, but a major roadblock in achieving real, full social equality.

This law simply reinforces the attitudes and discriminatory behavior of some religious organizations and some of their members who already hold a false belief that they are superior to their gay and lesbian counterparts in today's society. Everyone deserves to be treated equally whether they're Bob & Ed or Bob & Edna. This fight has never been about special treatment...this is about EQUAL treatment! Coddling this bigotry in the form of legal reinforcement and protections will only lead to a greater social divide.

So for now, a few more us can legally ride in the front of the bus, but only until someone who has always been allowed to ride there complains.

Wow! Equality is now legal in NY! What an strange concept!!

I like my men like I like my turtles. Teenage, mutated, and helpless on their back.

I <3 NY!!!

Why didn't Cinderella's shoe fit anyone else but her?!

This was my tire today!  Why do I have such shitty luck?!  :-(

I'm strapped for cash right now. I'm not usually into this whole bondage thing, but for money I make exceptions!

Who says men can't multi-task? I can watch porn, have a wank, AND listen for my roommate ALL at the same time!!

Rehab is for quitters!

The Virgin Megastore turned out to be a HUGE disappointment!

Q: What's the difference between a zeppelin & 365 blowjobs? A: One's a Goodyear & the other is a fucking excellent year!

Ryan Dunn died the way he lived...with car parts up his ass!

It's not the size that counts... It's the smell!

If u like @foursquare, you'll love @wereward! You can earn cash for local checkins! Pls sign up using my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

Dear Dad, Thanks for fucking Mom! :-D Love, Michael

My math teacher called me 'average' today! I said, "That's just mean!"

Dear Dad, Thanks for fucking Mom! :-D Love, Michael

I'm guessing today is pretty awkward at Arnold's place!!

None of my illegitimate kids sent me a card today. What bastards!

Thai women are so cocky!

Speed bumps don't work! If anything, they slow you down.

I'm bidding on a Charlie Sheen biography on eBay. I'm winning!