It's a shame they can't find the missing last part of the bible. I'd love to find out how Santa and the Easter Bunny killed god!

God must have had NO imagination if all he could think of was a plague of locusts... Someone in Hollywood thought of Sharknado!

I hate when I undress a man with my eyes and my OCD kicks in. I have to stop and fold his clothes.

Don't talk about Star Wars on the first date. It's a wookie mistake.

I just got a part in a play about cocaine addicts. I don't have any lines though.

New owners have taken over the snow globe factory where I work. I hope they don't come in and try to shake things up.

I'm so embarrassed... That YouTube video of me using incorrect words has gone virus!

I'm gonna tell you a joke about potassium, K?

I really need to stop masturbating on the staircase, but I'm taking it one step at a time.

Kanye should replace Zayn and kick the others out of the band. There's only One Direction, and it's West!

Q) How often do I tell bad chemistry jokes? A) Periodically.

My friend is half Japanese and half Native American. We call her Nissan Pathfinder.

BREAKING NEWS: Listening to Queen can cause autism! I blame the high Mercury content.

Q) What does the bible and the Kentucky Derby track have in common? A) They're both full of horse shit.

I just converted to a new religion. From now on, I'm more men.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything!

The inventor of those distorted funhouse mirrors died last night. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.

I wanted to tell a chemistry joke, but I'm afraid it won't get a good reaction.

I looooove people who can't understand sarcasm!

Contrary to the rumor started in the 90s, if you want to be my lover, please refrain from getting with my friends.

The pleasure is not in winning...nor in merely taking part. It's in making fun of the kid who always comes in last place!

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records...until I got kicked out of the library.

I've been teaching my friend's kid plurals. "More than one cow?" "Cows" "More than one goose?" "Geese" "More than one spider?" "SHIT!"

For those of you aroused by trombones and alcohol: HornPub will be launching soon!

I love shoes! I can eat whatever I want, and they always still fit!

I just saw a book about suicide on sale at the store. Good buy!

A homeless man asked me for spare change because he was hungry. Honestly...who the fuck eats coins?!

Religion is like HIV. Some are raised with it from birth, and some have it pounded into them. But the lucky ones can avoid it altogether!

Having found the "god particle", scientists at the Large Hadron Collider also detected an "allah particle"...then it blew itself up!

I have no idea how she died, your honor. She was alive when I buried her!

I never brag. That's one of my many, many outstanding features.

As a kid I loved riding my bike and leaving skid marks on the driveway. My dad would always yell, "Pull up your pants!"

"Unemployed" is my middle name. (My dad was reeeaaally bad at filling out forms!)

I have an idea for combining an Army food tent with a brothel, but I'm worried it'll be a fucking mess.

I'd love to be a courtroom sketch artist! These days, I'd get to meet all the people I loved as a kid on TV!

My bf's doctor told him to lay off the whisky or he'd be dead within a year. He asked what I thought. I gave it to him straight.

Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

My boyfriend has a buddy over in the other room. They must have really nasty colds because I keep hearing them on the verge of sneezing.

What do we want? MORE ACRONYMS! When do we want 'em? ASAP!

Penis transplants are nothing new. Changing out useless pricks has been going on for a long time. We call it an "election".

I turned into a cat earlier. Don't ask meow.

Happy Mothers' Day, Mom! I miss you every day! :-(

As much as I like Hillary Clinton, the last job she had in the White House she outsourced to Monica Lewinsky...and Monica blew it!

My sense of humor is like marriage equality. Not everyone gets it.

Hey straight guys: If a girl tells you she's Lebanese, quit wasting your time! She's dyslexic and prefers girls!

It's not that hard to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you'll see in a while, and the other you'll see later.

At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for!

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

Can someone please tell me if I've spelled "misogynistic" right? A man, preferably...

Poor Humpty Dumpty! If he had only taken a nice hot bath that day, he'd still be alive!

BBC News reported that dogs have been trained to detect prostate cancer. Jeez, I hope they'll trim the dogs' claws first!

I hate to imagine how many times I've been called a nerd. Luckily I won't have to once I finish this spreadsheet!

¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

A co-pilot walks into a library and asks where the books on suicide are located. She asks, "Will you be taking them all out with you?"

Ugh! Another work day sitting at a computer writing meaningless crap! I can't wait to get home so I can spend the evening on Facebook!

Ugh! Another work day sitting at a computer writing meaningless crap! I can't wait to get home so I can spend the evening on Facebook!

May the Fourth be with you.

Catholics & muslims could never trade places! Muslims don't like sex with 9-year-old boys & catholics don't like sex with 9-year-old girls!

B.I.B.L.E.: "Bullshit Inspired By Logic Evasion"

My penis is like a toaster. If the buns are scrawny, it'll destroy them!

I tried cocaine once. For eight years.

Ever since my friend joined the French Pedophilia Club he's been on Claude, nine.

Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.