Q: Why don't witches wear panties? A: To get a better grip on the broom!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Is a witch's favorite subject in school spelling?

A married man on average lives longer than a single man... Another clever way by women to prolong the suffering of straight men.

I heard there's going to be an Angry Birds movie coming out this year, but I won't be going to see it. I hate chick flicks!

Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married. I don't get any sex and I'm always broke!

Q: What does the Big Bang Theory have that Greece doesn't? A: A Penny.

What's wrong with this country?! Why do we think guns will protect us but healthcare will destroy us??

Wouldn't using the cutting room trash can instead make for a much cleaner workplace?

Adam and Eve's children would have had to procreate through incest. This is surely proof that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden!

God created man and said, "That's perfect!" He then created woman, took a long look and said, "Fuck! This'll have to wear makeup!"

Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

If you make a duck face, don't be offended when I start throwing little pieces of bread at you.

I just changed my calling plan. Now I have unlimited free calling to India. Let's see how they fucking like it!

There's no "we" in food. Get the fuck away from me.

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with, how the fuck did two sticks win?!

I just had phone sex. My ass is still ringing!

New releases this week at Blockbuster: The Staff

Gandalf had everyone flee to kill the balrog himself & not share the XP. Shows up next film with fancy new robes & everything. What a jerk!

Everything is a vagina! There, I just saved you the rental fee on a headset during your next visit to any modern art museum!

I had a fight with my erection I beat it single-handedly!

Women don't know REAL pain... I just stepped on a fucking Lego with bare feet!

If women were meant to be sluts, Eve would've fucked the first guy she met!!

Atheism and religion are two sides of the same coin. People on one side use their heads while the rest believe in tales.

I've lived through 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3, 4/4/4, 5/5/5, 6/6/6, 7/7/7, 8/8/8, 9/9/9, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, and 12/12/12. Am I cool or what?!?!

Finally found a way to get my horrible stolen jokes posting again! :-)

I miss the days when making a duck face required two Pringles.

I've been hard at work all day. Luckily, none of the kids in my class noticed.

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat...stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." But apparently Saturdays do!

Every time I watch porn I end up thinking, "There's no fucking way that horse is 18!!"