8====D~~~ (_._)

People treat New Years like some sort of life-changing event. If your life sucked last year, it's probably still going to suck tomorrow.

Omg I'm so drunk I can't feel my teeth

It's Arnold Schwarzenegger. Shhh...don't tell anyone. :-)

Got shuffled out of the @phvegas Diamond Lounge for a super secret meet-and-greet. Shhhhhh... ;-)

"Hillary Clinton has a concussion?! Did she fall off the fiscal cliff??" -@ice9tre

I just bought a Bonnie Tyler GPS. It keeps telling me to turn around, and every now and then it falls apart.

Every hotel room has 1 Bible & hundreds of millions of dead dried sperm. Pretty gross, thinking about all those Bibles. (via @TheTweetOfGod)

My alcohol blood content is waaaaay too high!!

"Tell Matthew I will call him in half an hour at 4 o'clock." - John 3:30

Q: What's the best form of protection when you can't find a condom? A: A fake name.

I'm going to the Reverse Origami Championships today. I can't wait to see how it unfolds.

I told my bf I wanted him to fuck me like there's no tomorrow when he gets back from his Christmas trip. That was Dec 20th. Shit! Now what?!

The British version of Breaking Bad is boring. It ends after he gets cancer & all his treatment is paid for by the nat'l healthcare system.

I just noticed that the calendar on my desk finishes on the 31st of December. Here we fucking go again!!

I heard there's this new cereal, Lesbi-O's. Apparently they're so good, you'll want to eat the box. (via @TheCosmicJester)

The liquor store clerk just wished me a Happy New Year as if he weren't going to see me 5 more times before then!

I don't know why everyone's worried about being being able to buy guns. We've sold dynamite to coyotes for years!

There are 363 days until Christmas & people already have their fucking Christmas lights up. Unbelievable!!

I hate it when I'm drunk and somebody tries to correct my vodkabulary.

My New Years Resolution: Stop doing everything so damn early!

I bought Heather Mills a new prosthetic leg for Christmas. Its' not her main gift though...it's just a stocking stuffer.

"Christmas is for fucking children!" as Michael Jackson used to say.

Q: What do orphans get at Christmas? A: Lonely.

I could totally do Santa's job! I have loads of experience emptying my sack into old socks.

The difference between god and Santa is once in a great while Santa actually gives you what you want.

Merry Christmas! :-D

Finally my Christmas shopping is complete. Now, what to get everybody else...?

I'm really turned on by Santa... Does that make me a hohosexual?

My advent calendar just crashed. I had too many windows open.

If you want Santa to come sooner tonight...try tickling his balls. Naughty AND nice!! ;-)

Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... VERY naughty! And it was SOOOO worth it!

Only 847 more iPhone charges 'til Christmas!

Sometimes being an insomniac isn't that bad. 0 sleeps until Christmas!

Darn! I was really hoping Armageddon Day would be like Steven King's "The Stand" & all the evil ppl end up in Vegas. I'm SOOO down!

Did anyone ever stop to think that maybe the Mayans just said, "Fuck it! We have enough for now. Let's finish in a thousand years!"?

I don't wanna brag, but this is like the 10th #EndOfTheWorld I've survived!

The world didn't end... I was up all night and it was a close one, but I managed to save you all. You're welcome!

Uuuuuh...so yeah... We're all still here. We just gonna do the Gregorian Calendar thing from now on?!

For the world being over, there's a lot of people out today!!

Well, it's 12/21/12 here now. Nice knowing you, everyone!

It's almost time! Tomorrow is the day when all the religious folks are taken away, leaving the rest of us in...well...heaven!

Hey, so what time is this thing tomorrow? And not in Heaven Standard Time! I'm in Mountain. I need to plan my day around it.

A sadist is just a masochist with self-esteem.

Humor Hotlines: End of the World Advice Hotline 631-403-2013

"Well, I never!!" = Old person's "WTF"

A ghost could be humping your leg right now and you'd have no idea!

This new thesaurus isn't just terrible...it's terrible!

"Mary, you're pregnant?! That's wonderful! And I'm not the dad...because god is?! That's awesome!!"

Ever noticed that the church doesn't give a fuck about gay funerals?

FYS

Hey #AmericanIdol: It's not a "2 Night Premiere"... It's "2 Episodes"!

My age is very inappropriate for my behavior.

Dude!! It's 12:15 and 12 seconds on 12/15/12!! Woah!! LOL

PPPS Since we're all dying in less than a week anyway, I'll just take cash. Use ur valuable remaining time w/ family instead of shopping!

PPS I'd prefer cash or gifts to jokes, just so you know! ;-)

PS I'll probably steal them! ;-)

It's my birthday. You should tell ME the jokes today!

One of the toddlers in the intensive care unit is playing with a toy donkey. ICU baby, shakin' that ass.

"You should post that on Google Plus!" -Nobody

When my friend lost his job and started drinking, his wife was hit the hardest.

I have >110 #eBay listings (with 5 adult ones ending in <6hrs)! Visit http://mikeyp.us/eBay & sort by time. *Accepting offers on EVERYTHING*

Google will be 15 next year. Let's plan a search party!

I was shocked to hear local Muslims have been praying on young girls. Why don't they just use mats like normal Muslims?

Michael Jackson has been dead for a while & it's still hard to cope with the realization that we'll never know if Annie was okay or not!

My boyfriend & I have a new arrangement. I can sleep w/ anyone I want, but he doesn't speak to me or live w/ me anymore.

I went to the funeral of a headless chicken. It was incredibly moving.

Q: What's the easiest way to turn on a tv? A: Reach under the skirt and tickle his balls!

Is it just me, or are there any other personal pronouns?

Q: Why do bishops move diagonally? A: It's the best way to sneak up behind an altar boy!

Religion: Turning prophets into profits for over 4,000 years!

I just found a whip, a mask, and handcuffs in my mom's stuff. I can't believe it! She was a superhero!!! :-D

AVG is free, McAfee isn't.

Aren't we all supposed to be dead in a couple weeks, or is that cancelled?

The key to a good relationship is an adventurous sex life...just don't let your significant other find out about it!

To all the guys who have "swag", please remember two things: 1) Good for you, and 2) I don't like onions on my Big Mac.

My Muslim friend updated his Facebook status to "Mohammed (Peace be upon Him)". I commented, "Atheism (Peace be upon the World)".

Mitt Romney spent $800mil on NOT becoming president. I spent $0.85 and got the same result, except I have a Snickers bar.

I won't be talking about my love life on Twitter anymore. It involves more than 140 characters.

I visited the birthplace of the inventor of the toothbrush, but couldn't find any plaque on the wall.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me as a compulsive liar today. Then he sucked my cock.

Cool! This bar has a machine that tells you when to stop drinking!! It's called an ATM.

My doctor uses iPhone maps, so the Apple really does keep him away!

If you can find the answers in the bible, you shouldn't ask such stupid questions.

Q: How does Moses make coffee? A: Hebrews it!

I woke up this morning to the best blowjob ever. Looks like prison isn't gonna be as bad as I thought!

The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.

So it's the last day of #Movember. When I shave, remind me again where I'm supposed to donate my mustache...

Before you can truly love someone else, first you have to love yourself...then wash your hands.

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt -- people writing on walls and worshiping cats...

If we're friends, there's an 90% chance I've texted you mid-poop.

Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the fuck up!

My boyfriend left me because I keep telling dick jokes. It's gonna be hard when I tell my friends.

Calculators may look antiquated on the outside, but it's what on the inside that counts.

My friend decided that she wants to get an abortion. She just needs to find someone to get her pregnant first.

Mondays seem to go by in microwave minutes...

It's only fair religion & prayer have no place in school. After all, education & knowledge have no place in the church.

John 10:15, Mark 11:30, Matthew 12:15. After that I'm free all afternoon.

Just got a handjob from an 18-year-old prostitute. Best pro teen shake ever!

So who killed JR *this* time?!

Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "I'm pregnant."

I wonder what the Black Friday trampling death toll is so far...

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist!" Today's the only day that's not dirty...

Supplement your Black Friday purchases with my #eBay items! http://mikeyp.us/eBay

Happy Thanksgiving! :-D

Humor Hotlines: Tom the Thanksgiving Turkey's Voicemail 781-452-4003

My penis just died. Can I bury it inside of you?

Sometimes I think life is one big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

Humor Hotlines: Santa is stressed! Call 973-409-3466 to hear him flip out if you make him mad! Note: NOT for young kids! ;-) #ANGRYSANTA

I like blowjobs because it mixes two of my favorite things: Getting blown and doing nothing.

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted for murder charges. They estimate the trial will last 30 days.

I didn't realize how lonely I was until I realized my favourite sexual position was left-handed.

If Tetris taught me one thing, it is that mistakes pile up while success just vanishes.

The catholic church has a strict anti-molestation policy. Three strikes and you're transferred!

The day of the rapture is when all the religious people if the world disappear, leaving the rest of us in heaven.

Humor Hotlines: Tom the Thanksgiving Turkey's Voicemail 781-452-4003

Humor Hotlines: End of the World Advice Hotline 631-403-2013

I always thought microwaves came from friendly dwarves.

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Someone stole my tree last night, so I've spent all morning nailing pictures of it to local dogs.

Strippers with fake tits should be tipped in Monopoly money!

Just finished an experiment to find the best cure for hiccups. The result was a big surprise.

My boyfriend has recently started self-harming. I warned him not to back talk me, but he just won't fucking listen.

Lots of languages have different words pronounced the same. "Marriage" means something different for u than for me. Stay out of it!

It's not my fault the gov't uses "marriage" as a legal term. Please don't punish me over semantics. I don't have to follow ur religion!

When someone sends me a text that just says "k", I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one. (I'm talking to you, Mittens!)

It must have been really cold today. I saw a Republican with his hands in his *own* pockets!

I invented a new cocktail called a "Sandy". It's just a watered down Manhattan.

If god didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food!

Q: What does a pig and Muhammad have in common? A: Nothing. Please don't kill me.

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

I just got called rude by some cunt!

Sometimes I stuff underwear in my socks so my feet look bigger.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Just a reminder: You don't have to tell Facebook or Twitter goodnight. You can just shut up!

Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.

I almost went to a Halloween party as Mama from Honey Boo Boo, but I changed my mind. I didn't want to violate a Star Wars copyright!

Happy Halloween, boys and ghouls!! 🎃👻 :-O

Humor Hotlines: IMPORTANT - The Halloween Tragedy Prevention Hauntline. Prevent accidental murders! 212-660-4245

This year for Halloween I'm gonna dress as a Scooby Doo character and run around taking people's masks off.

I plan in repeating "Bloody Mary" a LOT today! Not because it's Halloween, but because I'm an alcoholic and there are drink specials!

I freakin' love that you can sign into MySpace using Facebook! LOL

Sometimes I wonder if Prince Charming was really just a very disappointed necrophiliac...

I can't afford antidepressants, so I'm drinking No More Tears shampoo instead.

I went to an incest golf tournament today. I finished two strokes under pa.

An Apple fan walks into a bar... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

I just got banned from a christian dating site. Apparently 'hunglikejesus' isn't an "appropriate" user name!

Q: Why did god create man first? A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.

I just heard one of the Teletubbies made a porn film in France. Ooh, La La.

I just complimented my friend on her mustache and now she won't talk to me!

I went outside once. The graphics aren't that good.

Waiting for Jesus' second coming is as frustrating as waiting for ANY man to come a second time!

Hey christian Taliban! You're the reason "god" gave us middle fingers.

Why? Because alcohol, what's why!

My cats went completely insane when I told them they were adopted. But to be fair, I did spell it out with a laser pointer.

I imagine that dating a single mother is like playing someone else's saved game.

My bladder needs a snooze button...

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I was about to make a gay joke, butt fuck it!

It's National Coming Out Day. I don't think I really have to, do I??

No one dies a virgin. Life screws us all.

No jokes today. It's the 4-year anniversary of my mom's passing. :-( Watch her memorial slide how here: http://youtu.be/v6N-wSBe4YA

I asked the librarian if they had any books on lubrication. She told me to check the non-friction section.

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans and can't find my boots with the fur!

Vagina jokes aren't funny! Period! Some people do ovaryact to them though...

Vagina jokes aren't funny! Period! Some people do ovaryact to them though…

iSpy with my little i...a lawsuit from Apple!

Apparently Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. Must be a pain having random strangers show up at your door...

When you talk to god it's called praying, but when god talks to you it's a mental illness!

"Who're your children?" A perfectly friendly question, until you forget the apostrophe...

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Shoot and ask questions simultaneously. It's more efficient!

Giving someone the middle finger is basically saying, "I want to punch you so bad, my fist has a boner!"

Holy crap! #Smurfs are THREE apples high?? Damn...bigger than I thought!

Well...sweet potato gnocchi from the dollar bin and expired Ragú. Sounds like lunch...and dinner.

This sucks! I'm owed over $6,000.00 and yet I can't even afford McDonalds while they do god-knows-what! :-'(

(-.(-.(-.(-.(-.(-.(-.-).-).-).-).-).-).-) The Chinese Mafia is watching you!!

Autocorrect is a who're!

Autocorrect is a who're!

It's flu season! Remember that a Tequila Sunrise has plenty of Vitamin C!

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat...and she cleans her own ass!

My boyfriend told me he's loving me because I don't listen well enough.

Q: What's the difference between a slut & a bitch? A: A slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

They call me "Captain Obvious". That's because I always point out things that are obvious.

Opinions are like assholes, not only bcuz everybody's got one, but because it's rude to let them be heard, and they're full of shit.

Q: Why did the Romanian stop reading for the night? A: To give his Bucharest.

I realized I was god when I was praying and noticed that I was talking to myself...

My friend just can't decide what religion to follow. He keeps saying he's Jew-"ish".

Trevor & Nala (@ice9tre & @littlenalakitty) dance to ABBA's Mamma Mia! http://youtu.be/-vRTWwHCaa0

Whoever invented knock knock jokes deserves a nobell prize.

I asked my boyfriend if he's seen my dildo. He denied it at first but I dragged it out of him eventually.

My tough trash collector doesn't take any shit from anyone. So I had to carry it back inside...

Right now somebody, somewhere is thinking about you naked!

I'm incredibly talented! I have the ability to talk AND piss you off at the same time!!

Nothing beats a good blowjob to end the night...but I better brush my teeth again before bed!

The iPhone 5 is designed to fit your hand...just where your money used to be!

A pregnant work colleague asked if I want to feel her baby... It seems that she meant externally!

I don't have a problem with idiots... I have a problem with the fact that they have an internet connection.

If you think you're having a bad day, just picture a T-Rex trying to masturbate.

All these iPhone 5 jokes are only a slight improvement over the iPhone 4S jokes.

The Catholic church isn't really against gay sex...just *consensual* gay sex!

According to the bible, all mankind descended from 1 man & 1 woman who had 2 sons. Think about that. Take all the time you need...

I watched most of the Paralympics. It had its ups, but there was also a hell of a lot of Down's.

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

My toilet paper says it's 100% recycled. So does that mean someone has already wiped their butt with this?!?!

I went to a testicular cancer survivor party last night. Everyone had a ball!

Scandal at the Paralympics as some of the Team Great Britain wheelchair basketball team test positive for WD-40!

We live in a world where losing your iPhone is more dramatic than losing your virginity.

Fuck: ❒ You ❒ Me ✔ Off

Slut: A prostitute that doesn't charge. Prostitute: A clever slut.

My stupid shrink told me I had Avoidant Personality Disorder, so I stopped seeing her.

My boyfriend thinks getting married will put the spark back into our sex lives. I think breaking up would work better!

You know you're getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.

I finally watched "The Artist" tonight. I thought it was wonderful!

Did you know that watching just 1 hour of the Paralympics counts as one portion of your five-a-day?

"Thank you for your sweepstakes entry. Click here to tell your friends!" Uuuuh Hell no! I don't want to lower my chance of winning!!

When I die, I want my tombstone to say "BRB"!

Isn't it ironic that all the things you want to do in heaven are the exact same things that would get you sent to hell?

If your religion is worth killing for, start with yourself!

I've often wondered if the Chinese really did go pee-pee in my Coke...

You know you're fucked when your Mewtwo faints.

U R 2 6 C! I 1 2 4 Q!

It's a shame some people out there can't separate facts from FOX.

Toilet faces: >_< o_- o_0 O_O ^_^

My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in!

I just love those 5 minute radio ads about how commercial-free the station is.

New shorthand: "LMAOSHIFOTTAASALOTF" means "laughing my ass off so hard I fell off the toilet and accidentally shit a little on the floor".

Why is the winner of Miss Universe always from Earth? Seems rigged...

Q: What's the difference between a woman on her period and a terrorist? A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

If you friend request me on Facebook and your profile picture is a car, I will assume you're a Transformer.

Apparently it's Suicide Awareness Day. Wasn't sure what that entails, so I've just been looking up when walking past tall buildings.

If god had intended us to go metric, why did he give Jesus twelve disciples?

I'm gonna go take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower, but with me in it.

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

If I ever have a son I'll name him Sparta so every time I'm introducing him to someone I can shout "THIS IS SPARTA!!!"

Big boobs = No booty. Big Booty = No boobs. Big booty + Big boobs = Ugly face. Big booty + Big boobs + Pretty face = SIut!

Facebook should have a limit on the number of times people can change their relationship status. After 5 it should default to "Unstable".

Ghetto Wet Floor Sign: "Caution, Bitches Be Trippin"

Who invented hugs? That 1st one must've been so awkward. It's like, "What are u doing?! Why are you holding me?!" "Shhh...just trust me."

"Twinkle, twinkle, little whore. You're cheaper than the dollar store!"

I'm not talking about Facebook! I want to know how to block you in real life!

I wonder if Asian kids push their eyes together and say "Rook at me! I'm Amelican."

My friend is currently eating for two and has put on a lot of weight recently. She's not pregnant. She's just schizophrenic.

The new politically correct term for a lesbian is "vagetarian".

BBQ tip: the two secrets to great burgers are a) blocking out the horrific inhumane conditions in which beef cows are kept and b) sea salt!

I just heard a guy at the beach yelling "Help, shark!!!" I just laughed. I knew that shark wasn't going to help him!

God's a man! He got Mary pregnant, never answered her prayers, left her a kid to raise & then wanted him back once he got famous.

It's fair to say that if god really made everything, he was probably from China.

I may look innocent, but in my head you're handcuffed to my bed...

What if the Mayan calendar actually ends in 5105 but we have just been reading it upside down this whole time?

Did it hurt when you fell from the top of the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?

On a scale of 1 to Rebecca Black, how pumped are you that it's Friday?

You're probably naked under all those clothes. Slut!

Humor Hotlines: Call 917-475-0058 for a Sobriety Test!

It's gonna be a relaxing day. I'm auditioning for American Idle.

Woah! Demo screen of this video poker machine just showed 5 deuces and a pay for it! Hmmmm

My boyfriend is leaving me because of my addiction to Twitter! #fuckyouasshole

Overheard at lunch: "You look like a Golden Nugget girl, not a Fremont girl." #FlirtFail

Becoming a vegetarian is a missedsteak!

It's surprisingly (and refreshingly) smoke-free here tonight!

My boyfriend just told me he found another pubic hair in the bath. That's the 3rd one he's grown in the last few days!

Last night I ate Middle Eastern food and this morning I falafel.

What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! When do we want it? CUNT!

Just finished re-reading "Peter Pan". That book never gets old.

The 1st Commandment says "I am Lord God. You will have no other gods before me." 2 of the deadly sins are vanity & envy. Fucking hypocrite!

I was driving when I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said 'Heaven', so I hit him. He probably went there. He seemed like a nice guy.

I just finished a book about the digestive system. It had a really shitty ending!

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Headline: "Woman found guilty of manslaughter." Wow, chuckling like a dude...that just ain't right!!

The basis 4 denying this LEGAL contract is gender. If 1 were a diff gender, it'd be ok. Since when is gender discrimination legal here?!

The problem is that the LAW uses the word 'marriage' to describe a legal contract. THAT'S the 'marriage' we want, not your church one!

If it's the WORD 'marriage' that bothers you, you can have it! Just as long as whatever the LAW calls it is the same for EVERYONE EQUALLY!!

Using your religious beliefs to deny me LEGAL, CIVIL equality is the violation! How would my marriage affect you??

Marriage equality does NOT violate your freedom of religion or expression. You can still practice and express the same way after I'm equal.

Having an abnormally large penis has been a burden throughout my life. I just never seem to fit in...

My friend told me I'm obsessed with movie quotes. After that it went quiet... A little TOO quiet.

I drink, I gamble, and I take drugs. That's why I beat women. What's a Muslim's excuse?

It was great breaking up with my blonde ex. I managed to get him to split everything straight down the middle: 80/20.

I just discovered my dog has a latex allergy. God only knows how I'm going to explain that to the vet...

Kurt Cobain died just one month after Justin Bieber was born... It's as if he knew!!

Don't justify hate, just defy hate! #NOH8 #MarriageEquality

A mosquito just landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life!!

You remind me of my Chinese friend: Ug Lee!

I've got something as long as ur thigh w/ over 120 muscles in it, & it's an anagram of PENSI. Wanna touch it? It's my spine...filthy minds!

Fav elements: Men-Si (obviously), Women-Au, Pt, & if they know their place, Fe! (If any women out there get it, pls don't use As on me!)

I'm pretty sure that I'm going to hell. But it's okay -- it's warm and I'll know people there!

Atheists are beyond belief!

Q: How is a spider like Whitney Houston? A: They're both black and they can't climb out of a tub.

Them: "No rights 4 gays!" Me: "That's #bigotry." Them: "Stop bullying us!" Woah idiots! Learn what that means. You're NOT the victims here!

Q: What do Celine Dion songs and bad locksmiths have in common? A: Terrible key changes.

GRR I hate the Facebook iPhone app almost as much as @TGHAndrea and her #bigot family and little #biglets. It's SOOO slow!!!

I just got the new Olympics game for my Wii. I was trying to play the cycling event, but it crashed!

I got banned from Barnes & Noble today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' aisle!

Just ran into an old high school friend 17 years after her graduation at a grocery store 6 hours from my house! :-)

#TheGlassHouse Finale: EPIC!! Damn you, non-disclosure agreement!! Am I allowed to say I was there?! :-/

A couple of weeks ago I knew nothing about the Olympics, but now I can't wait for next year's!

There's still time 2 keep the #bigot Andrea from winning #TheGlassHouse! Please go 2 http://abc.com/glasshouse & vote 4 Erica (or Kevin)!

On my way to the taping of the finale of #TheGlassHouse!! I'm so excited! :-D

Lance Armstrong uses drugs? What a load of bullock!

Reasons for Andrea @TGHAndrea to win #TheGlassHouse: None! DO NOT REWARD BIGOTRY! Vote for Erica or Kevin at http://abc.com/glasshouse

Reasons for Kevin @TGHKevin to win #TheGlassHouse: He's GORGEOUS! Vote for him or Erica @TGHErica at http://abc.com/glasshouse

Reasons for Erica @TGHErica to win #TheGlassHouse: She's funny, real, and deserves it! Vote for her at http://abc.com/glasshouse

Reasons for Erica @TGHErica to win #TheGlassHouse: She's funny, real, and deserves it! Vote for her at http://abc.con/glasshouse

Ugh! Are there term limits on Sheriff?!

It was good to see France help run the field events of the Olympics...by sitting down and waving a white flag!

So Usain Bolt is still the fastest man in the world. Good for him. For his girlfriend, not so much!

Did you hear the one about the travel agent who got sick at the airport? They say it's terminal.

Most people don't like constipation. I personally don't give a shit!

I was at my poker game last night when I found out I lost my dad. Damn it! I KNEW I should've folded that hand!!

I feel sorry for all those children in Heaven. Just think of all the Catholic priests up there!!

My boyfriend treats me like a god! He takes very little notice of my existence until he wants something...

"Jesus loves you." A kind gesture in church...a horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison!

iPhone autocorrect just changed "GPS" to "God". Totally changed the meaning of "GPS says 10 more minutes!" LOL

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Greece needs more medals or they won't be able to afford to fly their athletes home!!

Did you hear the one about the Jew who was charged with rape? The evidence is circumsizetantial.

I'm jealous of the Big Brother contestants. They don't have to watch the Olympics!

"Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity?" Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time.

The head of the Somali Olympic team has apologized to officials after realizing that shooting and sailing were two separate events.

That shooting in Wisconsin was pretty horrible. I'm sure there are going to be plenty of Sikh jokes.

I'm at IKEA. They're out of Blörgensporgs. What a shame.

These gold medals are like busses: Wrapped around cyclists.

Rowing is very much like sex with my boyfriend. I'm only interested in it once every 4 years.

Even if you don't watch #TheGlassHouse, PLEASE go to http://abc.com/glasshouse and vote Erica back from limbo. PLEASE RT!!

To be able to shoplift, you need to have very strong arms!

#AdamSmith shouldn't b fired 4 something outside of work the same way teachers shouldn't b fired 4 posing 4 Playboy when they were younger!

The basis 4 denying this LEGAL contract is gender. If 1 were a diff gender, it'd be ok. Since when is gender discrimination legal here?!

The problem is that the LAW uses the word 'marriage' to describe a legal contract. THAT'S the 'marriage' we want, not your church one!

If it's the WORD 'marriage' that bothers you, you can have it! Just as long as the LAW calls it something else...for EVERYONE...EQUALLY!!

Using your religious beliefs to deny me LEGAL, CIVIL equality is the violation! How would my marriage affect you??

Marriage equality does NOT violate your freedom of religion or expression. You can still practice and express the same way after I'm equal.

I had a wank over my ex last night. It's ok though... I still have a key to his place and he's a really heavy sleeper!

So Instagram is the annoying hipster version of otherwise normal photographs, right??

If the British equestrian team taught us 1 thing, it's that all u need 2 win an Olympic medal dedication. Oh yes, & 4 daddy 2 buy u a horse.

If God were a vehicle, he'd be an ice cream truck. It brings joy 2 those that find it, & ppl who follow it closely are usually pedophiles.

They say that when you die you become closer to God. (That's probably because you no longer fucking exist!)

(Oh yeah...and they'll be 99% stolen so feel free to steal 'em from me!)

Rule #1 for following me: My jokes will likely offend you. You've been warned. So no complaining! That'll just get you made fun of.

Hey y'all! The jokes are coming back! And what better day to start than tomorrow so I can offend religious folks on the sabbath?! Such fun!

2day would've been my mom's 65th b-day if pancreatic cancer didn't take her so soon. I love u & miss u so much, mom! I think of u every day!

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Today would've been my grandma's birthday. I love you and miss you, grandma.

Verizon, please stop calling it the "Share Everything" Plan. We're clearly only sharing horribly limited data. We're not that stupid!

Tattoos on the face. Translation: "I've given up on life."

I know I'm in the bathroom 2 long when I return 2 my table & they've seated sum1 else there bcuz they thought I left. #yeahthatjusthappened

I want to put my body into ketosis, but I seriously lack motivation and discipline. :-/

Dear parents of the obnoxious, high-pitched, SCREAMING brat at the next table: Please at least LOOK like ur trying to shut the fucker up!!

I hate being first in line behind a "no right turn on red" sign. The idiot behind you never seems to see it and gets mad at you! *sigh*

Humor Hotlines: White People 101. VERY funny!! 704-319-7263

Driving 7mph over the speed limit in a construction zone but STILL being taunted by angry speed freaks. Deal with it, fuckers!!

The hardest part about a zombie apocalypse will be pretending I'm not excited!