Vodka is Photoshop for real life.

Any pairs of guys who want to cum simultaneously really need to pull themselves together!

When my boyfriend dies, I'm donating his body to science fiction.

When my friend told me he had a time machine, I was taken aback!

Every woman is a feminist until the first swing...then it's all like "you can't hit a girl!"

A man jumped to his death from the top of our building last night. It took real skill to land perfectly within the chalk lines!

I finally had a happy meal at McDonald's. My boyfriend wasn't there.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

I'm pretty sure god created Steve too!

I found a gray pubic hair today, but I wasn't bothered by it as much as the guy who was in the elevator with me.

I'm pretty sure FCUK was founded by a dyslexic person with Tourette's!

My friend thinks that busking is wrong, but I beg to differ.

I know my boyfriend's face like the back of my hand.

My last bf had a tattoo of a chameleon. At least that's what he said... I could never find it!

My boyfriend is very spiritual...now that I've killed him.

"What do we want?" "COMPROMISE!!" "When do we want it?" "What time is good for you?"

I never realized how easy it was for crazy, sex-starved perverts to set up hidden cameras in a locker room until I tried it!

Wind turbines: I'm a big fan.

"I'm a chemist working primarily with CH₃CH₂OH, C₂H₅OH, and C₂H₆O" sounds much better than "I'm a raging alcoholic"!

I'm not so much the "World's Best Boss" as I am "The Guy that Beat Someone Up and Stole Their Mug".

That's it! I'm giving up Lent for alcohol.

How's it going, Catholics?! Anything Lent-related to add to your guilt list yet?

I'm the kind of guy who goes to an airport acting really suspicious so I can get a free cavity search.

I tried to play a porn DVD...but it was just a blurry image of a guy holding his massive cock! Then I realized I forgot to turn on the TV.

Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? A: Most men wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on his face.

I asked my therapist what I should do with my life. LOL Just kidding! Vodka bottles can't answer questions!

I have a criminal record. It's the first rap album I ever bought!

I vividly recall my grandpa and I digging a hole in the backyard and filling it with water. Yes, I remember that well.

This year for Lent, I'm giving up my New Year's Resolution.

I'm going to give up procrastination for next year's Lent.

I'm giving up the past tense for Lend.

I never realized I lived near so many religious chimney sweeps!

BREAKING NEWS: France has preemptively surrendered to Russia.

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!! Although it's hard to celebrate Mardi Gras when I'm 'gras' every day...

Karma isn't nearly the bitch that hindsight can be.

It's not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Atheism is a religion in the same way that "Off" is a TV channel.

It's kinda weird when my dad kisses his grandkids goodnight. Mostly because they're still in my testicles.

I just invented a new word!! "Plagiarism"