When a girl is in love, she offers sex. When a guy wants sex, he offers love.

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

Happy 8th Birthday for my friends born today in 1980!

I'm sad I'm missing the first 24-hour Disney Day in history! :-(

FURA!

Roses are red Violets are blue We're having sex Cause I'm stringer than you!

Someone just threw some Omega 3 pills at me! Don't worry...I only suffered superfishoil injuries.

I was gonna make a joke about anal sex, but fuck it!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

When people yawn, do deaf people think they're screaming?

Catholic boys wouldn't want to be one of "God's sheep" if they knew they were gonna be rammed by "God's shepherds"!!

Does 'The Passion of the Christ' have that "characters in this film are fictitious" disclaimer in the credits?!

My friends & I had a bet: The winner was who could go longest w/o cumming. I came in a respectable second, which put me in last place.

I finally finished reading the fifth book in the "Learning to Count" trilogy!

Let's play Hanging With Friends. My username is 'MichaelParisi'. http://bit.ly/l3W5fR' #GamesWithFriends

Don't talk about yourself so much...we'll do it for you when you leave!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

Failed Pickup Line: "If you were the new burger at McDonalds, you would be the McGorgeous!"

All that you are you owe to your parents. Why not send 'em a penny and call it even?!

eBay: Shrek 2 (DVD, 2004, Widescreen) ***FREE SHIPPING W/ BUY IT NOW *** http://r.ebay.com/uC09tr PLS RT

eBay: Must Love Dogs (DVD, 2005, Widescreen) ** FREE SHIPPING W/ BUY IT NOW ** http://r.ebay.com/heKVsH PLS RT

eBay: Wedding Crashers (DVD, Widescreen Unrated) UNCORKED - LONGER! WILDER! FUNNIER! http://r.ebay.com/sbUrd1 PLS RT

eBay: American Wedding (DVD, 2004, Widescreen) ** FREE SHIPPING WITH BUY IT NOW ** http://r.ebay.com/62xkfJ PLS RT

eBay: Happy Feet (DVD, 2007, Widescreen) ** FREE SHIPPING WITH BUY IT NOW ** http://r.ebay.com/VJM1fs PLS RT

eBay: Disney's Lion King (DVD, 2003, 2Disc Set, Platinum Edition; Features New Song) http://r.ebay.com/H1ULgw PLS RT

eBay: Disney's Finding Nemo (DVD, 2003, 2-Disc Set) **LOWER PRICE** SHIPS FREE W/BIN ** http://r.ebay.com/MNo12g PLS RT

Let's play Hanging With Friends. My username is 'MichaelParisi'. http://bit.ly/l3W5fR' #GamesWithFriends

eBay: Disney's Mary Poppins Broadway Keychain **BRAND NEW**SHIPS FREE W/BUY IT NOW** http://r.ebay.com/jujzW9 PLS RT

eBay: Sahara Las Vegas Hotel Room Key - Elvis & Ann-Margaret RARE **SHIPS FREE W/BIN** http://r.ebay.com/jYYg8m PLS RT

Q: What happened when the Pope went to Mount Olive? A: Popeye beat the crap outta him!

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One of my favorite Humor Hotlines: The Psychiatric Hotline! 413-459-0038

Q: What happens when you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards? A: He keeps coming & coming & coming...

Being the loudest kid on the short bus is nothing to be proud of...

Q: What's the most important question to ask if you want to have safe sex? A: What time will your boyfriend be home?

If I was in a room with you and 2 werewolves, and I had a gun with 2 silver bullets, I'd shoot you, twice.

Correction: "Fucking disgusting." Opinions?!

Apparently I'm "disgusting". What do you think?!

What year did Jesus think it was?

HEY!! I have new eBay auctions up plus some relisted ones at lower prices! Help a brutha out! LOL http://mikeyp.us/eBay

Did you hear the one about the Buddhist refusing drugs for a root canal bcuz he wanted to transcend dental medication?

Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception...

Q: What do pantyhose and Brooklyn have in common? A: Flatbush.

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

If you're home-schooled, never date a classmate!

HEY!! I have new eBay auctions up plus some relisted ones at lower prices! Help a brutha out! LOL http://mikeyp.us/eBay

Q: I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard. What am I? A: Chewing gum!

Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff...

Q: What do a gynocologist and a pizza boy have in common? A: They can smell it but they cant eat it!

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

SURVIVOR SURVIVOR SURVIVOR SURVIVOR SURVIVOR SURVIVOR SURVIVOR SURVIVOR SURVIVOR!!!!!!!! Can you tell I'm excited?! Hehe

Women who want to be equal to men lack ambition.

Whaddya say you and I go upstairs and I slip you my Valen-tiny?!

Humor Hotlines: Drunk dating thoughts for Valentine's Day! 781-452-2082

I can't let you be my Valentine for medical reasons. You make me sick.

FUT!

If your donkey ate my rooster, my cock would be in your ass.

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

Some people leave a mark on this world. Some just leave a stain.

Some people leave a mark on this world. Some just leave a stain.

Hear about the Amish couple that was getting a divorce after all these years? Her husband was "driving her buggy!"

I'm jealous of the pharaoh's wife. After a day at the river, she came back with a little prophet. All I get is a sunburn!

Kids: They're not easy, but there has to be *something* bad about about sex!!

Maya Rudolph just said, "Awww crap! There goes my cameos!!" :-(

Q: Why'd the couple stop after 3 children? A: Because they heard every fourth child born is Chinese.

It's hard to believe some people out-swam millions of other sperm!!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

I've still got tons of stuff on eBay, some ending in just over 10 hours! Check it out! http://mikeyp.us/eBay

"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all!

"Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors." -Walter Winchell

This cracked me up because it's so true for me! http://theoatmeal.com/blog/beverage_options

Sex is like computer programming. One mistake and you'll have to support it for the rest of your life!

If God dropped acid, would He see people?

Boycott shampoo! Demand REAL poo!!

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, tension mounted, clicked his spurs and rode off...

Q: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? A: Men always miss them!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." -Mark Twain

I have a bunch of eBay auctions, some ending in about an hour. Bid away!! http://mikeyp.us/eBay

When Jesus broke bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this & eat it, for it is my body." He did not say "eat me."

Apparently there's some new show tomorrow night on NBC called Smash... Anyone heard of it?!?!

I liked Christina Aguilera better before she turned orange!

OMG They melted Madonna down into World Peace! WE ALL WIN!

If the judges on The Voice physically fought like that every week, I'd actually watch it!

FACT! All those choir members legally become Madonna's children after halftime.

Whoever embalmed Madonna did a really good job!!

Oh I guess we're all breaking copyright law talking about this game. You're a joke when it comes to that, NFL!

Anyone get that free LMFAO download from Bud Light and Shazam?? Post it on RapidShare for everyone! And send the link! :-)

Gee thanks Bud Light... 5 min behind live TV & ur already maxed out on the free download?! But not before collecting my email for spam?!?!

It's been almost an hour since the last Smash promo! You think everything's ok at NBC?! I'm worried! Somebody call 911!

I don't know who said it but I totally see it! Steven Tyler looks more and more like Lily Tomlin every day! ROFL

Not that I'm complaining, but doesn't it seem there are more commercials than actual game?!

YAAAAAY FOR FREE PAPA JOHN'S PIZZA!!! Thank you, Heads!!

DAYUM! Kelly Clarkson can SANG!!

I'm selling a bunch of DVDs on eBay. Please take a look and bid like crazy! http://mikeyp.us/eBay Please RT!

Q: How do we know that men, not women, made the coffee in Biblical times? A: It clearly states that Hebrews.

I guess NBC 'pulled' more than just an episode! To be fair, a lot of info 'leaked' out before they issued a 'gag' order!

I'm selling a bunch of DVDs on eBay. Please take a look and bid like crazy! Please RT! http://mikeyp.us/eBay

Never give someone a piece of your mind if you can't function with what's left!

I'm selling a bunch of DVDs on eBay. Please take a look and bid like crazy! Pls RT! http://mikeyp.us/eBay

Does anyone know of a good alternative to BeepMyStuff.com now that it's not operating anymore. It was a free personal inventory tool.

Looks like I missed my annual visit to Gobbler's Knob yesterday! I wish my boyfriend had visited!!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

We all evolved from apes... Some of us are just further along than others...

Two sperm r swimming along. 1 says "How far to the uterus?" The other says "Uterus? We haven't even hit the esophagus!"

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

Hamburger Helper helped my hamburger help me make a great meal!

My boyfriend likes me to whisper dirty things in his ear. So I said, "Laundry, dishes, the living room..."

So it seems I pocket-dialed 911 three times in a row today. Had no idea until they called back in a panic! LOL

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

Let's play Hanging With Friends. My username is 'MichaelParisi'. Same for on Scramble/Chess/Words With Friends! #Zynga

I bought a puppy on impulse yesterday, even though I'm allergic to them. It was a rash decision...

Wendy's, what did you do to your fries?! They don't taste the same in my Frosty anymore!! :-(