From Twitter 10-30-2009

• 07:01:19: Ad: Tuesday 11/3 is #Election Day in #NYC. Vote for progress. Vote Bloomberg http://bit.ly/31ZdHs
  
• 07:02:01: Ad:Tuesday 11/3 is #Election Day in #NYC. Tweet Out The Vote! http://bit.ly/4zPfSq
  
• 08:01:08: Say there are 400 billion stars & he'll believe you. Say a bench has wet paint or the plate is hot & he has to touch it!
  
• 15:01:08: Finally convinced my girlfriend to have an abortion. All she needed was a nudge in the right direction. And some stairs.
  
• 22:01:16: Q: What's worse than finding a box of condoms in your wife's purse?
  A: Finding half a box!!
  
• 22:59:14: Current tallies 4 @PhoenixCub at Fear Farm: 1 girly-squealed "Oh hi" to a corn creature, 1 meat-shield sweater clutch. Entering Asylum now!
  
• 23:50:08: Just took my 172nd mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-29-2009

• 08:01:31: I'll tell you whats not good news. Bad news!
  
• 15:01:11: Aphrodite – Goddess of Love. Hermaphrodite – Goddess of Sprinters.
  
• 17:37:27: Laugh at me all you want, but Crocs feel reeeeeaaaaally good after standing all day!!
  
• 21:51:08: Rape pun coming in 10 minutes. You've been warned!
  
• 22:01:20: If I put dried fruit inside my girlfriend, is that date rape?
  
• 23:50:08: Just took my 171st mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-28-2009

• 08:01:21: Are any other Firefox users as ashamed of their "most visited" tab as I am?
  
• 15:01:12: I am so lazy, I will fight that little rock in my shoe 'til the end of the day!!
  
• 18:01:09: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 21:49:05: Just took my 171st mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 21:51:03: Homeless joke coming in 10 minutes!
  
• 22:01:04: My girlfriend and I occasionally like to endulge in some bum fun. We mainly play jokes on homeless people!
  

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From Twitter 10-27-2009

• 01:45:52: Ad: I've been looking into buying a Halloween costume online. I found a site with a great selection and shipping deals! http://bit.ly/3lo96u
  
• 08:02:12: My best friend's name is Tiba. Sometimes I think he's a bit backwards.
  
• 15:01:04: I'm convinced my wife has been having an affair with a baker. I mean, how else could she get a yeast infection?
  
• 15:04:38: http://twitpic.com/n6ud0 - First try!! :-D
  
• 22:01:08: Just watched CSI. They found semen in the women's ear. I guess she heard her killer coming!
  
• 23:26:23: Hey @dizzyfeet @hottamaletrain @adammshankman: We like the old 3/4-round stage setup. Much more intimate! Please bring it back... :-/
  
• 23:28:34: Just took my 170th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-26-2009

• 08:02:08: I succesfully predicted the lottery last night. I predicted I'd lose!
  
• 09:55:33: Wish me luck!!! :-D
  
• 15:01:04: My girlfriend claims that her last dog was a better kisser than me. So I stabbed the bitch!
  
• 16:19:33: Oh... My... Jeez.......... So... Much... Caffeine.......... I... Can... Smell... My... Thoughts............!!
  
• 18:12:39: Just took my 169th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 20:59:03: When did Medium switch from NBC to CBS?? Is it syndicated?!?! Or am I remembering it wrong? LOL
  
• 21:46:18: About the Vegas trip
  
• 22:01:18: If Lady Gaga slept with Caster Semenya, would that be a four-way?
  

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From Twitter 10-25-2009

• 02:42:57: Hey @TheCosmicJester, the Peppermill says 'Hi'!! ;-) http://twitpic.com/mv9f8 http://twitpic.com/mv9f7
  
• 08:01:11: Apparently I've reached the pinnacle of my career as a peeping tom. I've peeked...
  
• 15:01:09: I opened a can of RC & it said, "Sorry, you didn't win". I didn't even know I was playing, yet I was still disappointed!
  
• 15:35:49: Waiting for The Lion King at Mandalay Bay...which was FREE!! We're gonna let our seats be a surprise! :-)
  
• 16:04:42: OMG THESE SEATS ARE AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!
  
• 18:48:47: I'm tweeting from BACKSTAGE at The Lion King!! <girly squeal>
  
• 22:01:06: I've invented a new sex position. "The Tolkien". She bends over and I take over 9 hours to destroy her ring.
  
• 22:03:46: I had a great weekend in Vegas with Mr. Jeremy 'Basil' Bennington! Thank you so much @MrProducer!!
  
• 22:05:11: Oh my God!! It was so much better than I remembered!!! And going backstage was awesome!! http://twitpic.com/mzop3
  
• 22:08:01: Goodbye Vegas! I'll miss you!! :-( I'll be back before you know it!! http://twitpic.com/mzoxy http://twitpic.com/mzoxu
  
• 23:50:11: Just took my 168th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-24-2009

• 05:26:33: Yes I am. How do u know??
  
• 05:36:14: The muzak playing is REALLY "Summer Nights" from Grease?!?! REALLY?!?! This is Vegas!!!
  
• 05:39:18: Just took my 167th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 08:01:15: Just before the wedding, my wife asked me if I had any skeletons in my closet. I assured her that I don't. I bury them under the patio!
  
• 15:01:28: Erectile dysfunction is a rising problem...
  
• 22:01:41: Q: What's the worst thing to show a girl on a first date?
  A: The footage you have of her sleeping.
  
• 23:48:29: Able to catch so much more the second time around!!! http://twitpic.com/mux0t
  

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From Twitter 10-23-2009

• 00:41:42: Just took my 166th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 08:01:09: PUNISHMENT is capital punishment.
  
• 12:05:14: #FollowFriday Two great causes for Marriage Equality! @MarriageForNone and @NOH8campaign Follow and help them trend! #MARRIAGEFORNONE #NOH8
  
• 15:01:05: I dared my girlfriend to go to a fancy party as Caster Semenya, but she didn't have the balls...
  
• 22:01:17: You know it's bad porn when you hum along with the music!
  
• 23:23:59: The cool view from my Vegas BALCONY!!! http://twitpic.com/mpcfn
  

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From Twitter 10-22-2009

• 08:02:08: I had to take a drug test the other day and it came back negative. My dealer's got some explaining to do!
  
• 15:01:08: Why is there a man in the bottom corner of my TV playing charades?
  
• 17:54:12: Just took my 165th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 22:01:28: Facebook: Never letting you forget any of your one night stands!!
  

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From Twitter 10-21-2009

• 08:01:18: I went to a Catholic all-boys school, and I wasn't molested by anyone! Being ginger has its advantages!!
  
• 11:04:26: I'm getting @BayleeDutchess her vaccinations. She's behaving very well!!
  
• 11:24:04: Geez!! FOX10 news is here at the county vaccination even. Just hurry it along people! It's been over 2 hours already!
  
• 14:48:07: It only took 3 hours, but @BayleeDutchess finally got her vaccinations! She was SOOOO good!! I'm very proud of her!
  
• 20:26:46: Sooooooo fighting the urge to go buy cookie dough and cake frosting!!
  
• 22:01:18: Q: What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A: A widow.
  
• 22:48:30: Just took my 164th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-20-2009

• 08:01:09: You know you're getting fat when you sit in your bathtub and the water in the toilet rises.
  
• 08:33:39: http://twitpic.com/m8xlz - Funny Android app description!
  
• 08:34:28: http://twitpic.com/m8xoy - There's an Android app for this!!
  
• 13:03:43: Why does #DWtS allow lifts in the Argentine Tango but not in anything else (except specialty and freestyle)?!
  
• 13:11:35: And besides, all these dancing shows specify the *Argentine* tango. Is there even another kind?!
  
• 15:01:39: Q: What's got one hundred feet and five teeth? A: The line at a methadone clinic.
  
• 17:48:48: I'm leaning toward Android, just not the myTouch 3G. Too slow when Alps are added!!
  
• 19:51:27: That time-lapse thing on tonight's #DWtS was cool!! :-)
  
• 22:01:28: How many wipes does it take for you to think, "Fuck it, I'll just take a shower"?!
  
• 22:20:34: Just took my 163rd mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-19-2009

• 05:04:24: Is it just me, or is "the forgotten" just another "Cold Case", Mr. Bruckheimer?!
  
• 07:18:23: Just took my 162nd mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 08:01:03: Some random guy waved at me on the street. He then said, "I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else." I said, "I am."
  
• 08:09:51: HootSuite kills two birds with one stone. @chucknorris_ kills two stones with one bird. Both are awesome. http://hootsuite.com
  
• 10:35:43: Does anyone have the T-Mobile myTouch 3G?? I'd like to ask you some questions about it...
  
• 12:58:32: OMG The office I need is closed for lunch and this area reminds me of Compton!! YIKES!! Help me.......
  
• 13:51:13: What a joke that foodhandlers' test is! I passed -- no problem!! New get me the hell to a safe area!! http://twitpic.com/m5woi
  
• 15:01:51: Quit smoking! You'll feel better, smell better, and it'll be safer to drink out of the old beer cans around the house.
  
• 16:22:32: http://mikeyp.us/shwpg - Well, I'm glad they cleared THAT up!! #engrish
  
• 20:19:45: ROFL! Some1 told me they thought NO H8 was a chemical formula! What would it be? Nitrous Hydroxide?! #NOH8 @NOH8campaign
  
• 22:01:31: Does anyone else wonder why some porn stars leave their shoes on?
  
• 23:30:36: Ad: I found a free MarioKart Wii Strategy Guide on Listia.com - you can get it for free too when you join!! http://bit.ly/4a7JYS
  

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From Twitter 10-18-2009

• 14:51:04: Hitler joke coming in 10 minutes. It's not as bad as you think -- but just a warning!
  
• 15:01:15: History would be so different if Hitler had destroyed millions of albums as part of his vinyl solution!
  
• 22:01:03: I have the same attitude towards sex as I do towards golf: Keep stroking your balls until you get it in the hole!
  
• 23:49:41: Just took my 161st mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-17-2009

• 01:40:46: Good night Twitterverse!!
  
• 08:01:13: Can anyone help me? I can't find the word for "victory" in my French dictionary.
  
• 14:51:08: Homeless joke coming in 10 minutes! Oversensitive? Don't read!!
  
• 15:01:40: I saw a guy on the street today with a sign that said "Will Work For Food." So I gave him a coconut.
  
• 18:01:32: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 18:52:42: Woah! Severe instant-onset heartburn to the point of nausea and almost vomiting! Ugh!!!
  
• 19:59:08: God bless Zofran!!
  
• 21:51:10: Rape joke in 10 minutes. You've been warned!
  
• 22:01:11: Q: What is the biggest cause of rape?
  A: Girls saying "No".
  
• 23:49:45: Just took my 160th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-16-2009

• 07:51:04: I'm getting an early start. Epilepsy joke in 10 minutes! Sensitive? Don't read!!
  
• 08:01:10: I just stole the Epilepsy Society donation box from the supermarket. They're gonna have a fucking fit when they find out!
  
• 09:02:28: Checking out my new Android phone... @ My Apartment
  
• 12:05:15: #FollowFriday Two great causes for Marriage Equality! @MarriageForNone and @NOH8campaign Follow and help them trend! #MARRIAGEFORNONE #NOH8
  
• 13:02:39: OMG I need to stop downloading apps. Somebody distract me!!! :-/
  
• 13:21:57: The @RioVegas is one of my favorite places to play in Las Vegas!! If ooooonly I could experience one of their suites!! ;-) #RioVegas
  
• 14:15:06: Just took my 159th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 15:01:25: Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong!!
  
• 21:51:07: Forced sex in 10 minutes! Well, a joke about it, that is... That gives you time to NOT read if you don't want to!!
  
• 22:01:19: Q: What's the difference between force and gravity?
  A: You can't gravity someone to have sex with you!
  
• 23:57:19: http://twitpic.com/lui02 - This is why I can't stay thin!!!
  

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From Twitter 10-15-2009

• 05:04:39: Just took my 158th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 07:17:01: Qantas does not try to stop its employees from harassing US Citizens! Pls RT #Qantas @QantasUSA @qftravelinsider
  
• 07:58:50: Cool!! RT @wendilynnmakeup: ON THIS DAY IN T.V. HISTORY: 1951 - "I Love Lucy" premiered on CBS-TV.
  
• 08:01:24: Anorexia is just something fat people invented to claim that skinny people are sick.
  
• 12:38:23: They're popping it!!
  
• 12:40:25: RT @morgan_murphy: i will not make funny about this balloon story until it ends well (or until 2 weeks after it ends poorly).
  
• 12:54:21: You know he's totally hiding somewhere cause he's scared of getting in trouble for letting daddy's UFO go!! #balloonboy
  
• 12:56:40: RT @hollywoodphony: CNN: "Hi, you're an "expert" of some sort. We have no actual information, can u please make some up on the spot for us?"
  
• 13:25:39: 'Balloon' has 2 'O's!!
  
• 15:01:48: I got a letter from the Origami Association this morning. I don't know what to make of it...
  
• 20:39:34: 2nite's @Survivor_Samoa food challenge didn't have the usual oomph that solid food would have provided.Cast me & I'll show u how it's done!
  
• 22:01:18: According to my pedometer, my wrist has just burned off 360 calories and walked 12,500 steps!!
  

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From Twitter 10-14-2009

• 00:16:45: Just took my 157th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 08:01:18: My mother-in-law asked if she could come down for the weekend. I said, "Fuck off, you can stay on the roof."
  
• 15:01:04: My wife bought me a punching bag for my birthday... Nice try, bitch!!
  
• 18:01:19: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 21:30:17: I like this!!!!! RT @starrfucker: "Why Homosexuality Should Be Banned" - http://bit.ly/h9NsG
  
• 22:01:03: Is it just me or do an abnormally large amount of girls make their first porn on their 18th birthday?
  
• 22:15:39: RT @BioHazardJokes: The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier. #jokes
  
• 22:17:35: RT@BioHazardJokes Q: What is the difference between Yankee fans and dentists?
  A: One roots for the yanks, and the other yanks for the roots.
  
• 22:26:52: So true!! RT @Stevenfrombb10: Lesson learned, You Can't Eat Your Feelings but you can eat 7 dollars worth of carbs..
  
• 22:29:14: RT @AhhPhotography: CameraTip Its not what you photograph, but what you hide from the camera while doing it. Peter Horn
  
• 22:30:17: That sounds so dirty even though its not... RT @ShannonElizab: http://twitpic.com/lkzwa - I'm givin' Boomer some love before bed...
  
• 22:32:03: RT @ruhanirabin: Having a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is...to have a friend who'll stand by u when millions are against u.
  
• 22:50:02: Haha RT @ruhanirabin: thinks that license plates should be the driver's mobile number, so u can call them and tell them to MOVE THEIR A$$!!!
  
• 23:02:38: In-n-Out, here I come!!!
  
• 23:06:15: OMG, giant cockroach blocking the path to my car. I think it has a gun! I'm afraid to leave my house!!
  

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From Twitter 10-13-2009

• 00:05:02: http://mikeyp.us/msujf - Restaurant Name Fail (Part 3) - Happy Crack, The Golden Stool, Phât Phúc, and ButtyBoys!!
  
• 00:07:09: http://mikeyp.us/mkabh - Restaurant Name Fail (Part 4) - Highlight: Crabby Dick's: "Dip yer balls in our seaman sauce"!!
  
• 00:08:55: http://mikeyp.us/migpj - Restaurant Name Fail (Part 5) - Cum-n-Eat, Chewy Balls, Fuk Mi (how do they answer the phone?!)
  
• 00:36:36: Now THAT'S how a TwoStep is done, @LaceySchwimmer!! Way to go!! :-) #DWtS
  
• 07:28:51: Just found out who is searching for me online, at MyLife.com! brought to you by http://bit.ly/2jg5Xz
  
• 08:01:33: In a nutshell, I’d go into anaphylactic shock.
  
• 08:16:02: Ad: Get a FREE professional video for your Facebook fan page produced by @TurnHere! No catch, 100% free. Check it out: http://bit.ly/1aghXn
  
• 15:01:34: Y G O L O H C Y S P: Reverse psychology!
  
• 16:14:06: Can I hear your ideas, please?? AT&T iPhone 3Gs vs T-Mobile MyTouch 3G?? Google vs Apple? I'm so torn!! :-/
  
• 20:12:58: Just left @Harrahs_AkChin with @PhoenixCub. Played Let It Ride. Let $191.00 riiiiiiide away!! :-(
  
• 20:16:51: And @PhoenixCub won $60! Yaay! At least the evil night birds pood on his car, you know, as a thank you...
  
• 22:01:16: You know it's a good wank when you scream your own name!
  
• 22:27:30: Just took my 156th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-12-2009

• 03:25:44: Just took my 155th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 03:47:17: Just watched "Push" with @PhoenixCub. It was good. I love Dakota Fanning!!
  
• 08:01:04: My British friend asked me what she can do to make her butt look smaller. I told her to move to America!
  
• 12:11:47: Ad: Place sponsored guest posts on your blog and make some money. It's like a press release for social media! http://bit.ly/aaAZi
  
• 14:51:09: Paralympics joke coming in 10 minutes. Easily offended among you, you've been warned!
  
• 15:02:04: I'd give an arm and a leg to be in the Paralympics!!
  
• 22:01:04: My sex life is like a box of chocolates. The only attention I get is from fat people!
  
• 22:30:32: http://twitpic.com/lcko9 - Hey! Look what @PhoenixCub is a fan of... Personally, I'm a little freaked out!!
  
• 23:53:05: Chuck's TwoStep didn't have one lick of TwoStep in it!! :-( #DWtS
  
• 23:57:56: http://mikeyp.us/ojtvx - Restaurant Name Fail (Part 1) - Vagina Tandoori, Soon Fatt, Rong Phuk, and The Golden Shower...
  
• 23:59:03: http://mikeyp.us/yibvh - Restaurant Name Fail (Part 2) - Young Dong, Dirty Dick's, Chocolate Log, and the Bung Hole...
  

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From Twitter 10-11-2009

• 00:07:24: RT @DailyBaylee: http://twitpic.com/l3d3o Daily Mugshot #150 With mommy (@PatParisi), Priscilla (@PriscillaParisi) & daddy (@MichaelParisi).
  
• 00:20:39: Just took my 155th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 00:21:41: Quote of the day: From @PhoenixCub: "I'm not a whore -- I'm a penis enthusiast!"
  
• 08:01:07: To be frank, would involve changing my name...
  
• 15:01:06: My wife was crushed to death by a steamroller. It took me a while to get over her.
  
• 22:01:07: Last night my friends bet me $50 the hottest guy in the club wouldn't sleep with me. Conveniently, the exact amount he charged!
  

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From Twitter 10-10-2009

• 06:29:50: ROFLMFAO!!!!!!! Partial RT @GodlesslyGay: "....under this well fed exterior there's a twink crying to get out"
  
• 06:43:22: RT @sandyncharlie: "In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running." -Jeff Bezos coffee
  
• 07:53:42: Breakfast: Frozen pizza or Jack in the Box (@JackBox)??? Thoughts?!
  
• 08:01:15: No jokes posted 2day. It's the anniversary of my mother's passing. Leave memories at @PatParisi or http://PatParisi.net
  
• 08:36:28: Proof that my cat @BayleeDutchess plays fetch!! Some nights she wakes me up for it!! http://twitvid.com/F1472
  
• 08:59:40: Ok, @theboysofraannt & @johnpalmerart say pizza, but @phoenixcub @rosclatk7 @ooowww86 & @whippetout all say Jack in the Box! @JackBox it is!
  
• 10:46:03: Exactly one year ago this exact moment, my mom breathed her last breath. I miss her so much! :-'(
  
• 14:05:34: Olive Garden was mom's fav restaurant. I know it's cheesy but any1 wanna join me there 4 dinner 2nite? If ur not near me pls go 2 1 year u!!
  
• 15:01:15: I'm angry that my mom was taken away b4 her time! I'm glad she's not in pain anymore. @PatParisi http://PatParisi.net
  
• 22:01:07: Thank you all for your wonderful comments and supportive messages about my mom! They are much appreciated...
  
• 23:46:58: Just took my 154th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  

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From Twitter 10-09-2009

• 01:14:48: Just took my 153rd mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 01:32:00: http://twitpic.com/kt8cw - Try coming back to my front door now!! You know who you are... DON'T FUCK WITH ME!!
  
• 06:15:18: Ad: Hotelicopter found me $27/night in Oct next 2 Universal--less than half of the RatesToGo price 4 the same property! http://bit.ly/zTmDv
  
• 08:01:27: It takes a lot of balls to play golf the way I do!!
  
• 12:05:10: #FollowFriday Two great causes for Marriage Equality! @MarriageForNone and @NOH8campaign Follow and help them trend! #MARRIAGEFORNONE #NOH8
  
• 15:01:30: Anyone else think that the freezer deserves a light too?
  
• 16:33:20: After 22 hrs awake, I'm finally laying down to sleep. Dreading tomorrow! Please God let me sleep right through it!! :-(
  
• 16:40:55: Hehehe RT @Mnmissy: “The dentist's alibi was full of holes, so the police performed a cavity search.”
  
• 16:42:27: Eeeewwww the imagery!! RT @Mnmissy: I really slacked on my diet today. I have as much self control as two rabbits on a first date!!
  
• 16:59:25: Roflmao!! RT @MICHAELMAGDA: Jajaja http://twitpic.com/jchwk
  
• 17:11:33: I'd love to be @InvitedToWave! My email is [email protected]!! <crossing fingers>
  
• 17:11:50: Need a Google Wave Invite? ❶ Follow us ❷ Mention us, along with your e-mail ❸ RT this ❹ You should be @InvitedToWave! **EMAIL: [email protected]
  
• 22:01:03: My boyfriend is a porn star. He is going to be so pissed off when he finds out!!
  

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From Twitter 10-08-2009

• 00:11:08: Just took my 152nd mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 03:58:47: When do Twitter's groups feature become available??
  
• 04:20:20: Fact: Leftover stolen bottles of hotel shampoo make adequate bubble bath. Yeah, I'm ghetto! So what?!?!
  
• 05:38:19: Hey, National Coming Out Day is October 11th, which is a Sunday this year! Do it at church!!! :-D
  
• 05:39:15: What's your favorite NEW show on network TV this season? Mine's "Cougar Town"!!
  
• 08:02:04: Give a man a fish, he'll eat 4 a day. Teach a man 2 fish, he'll eat 4 life. Give an octopus nunchucks, and no one's eating fish ever again!!
  
• 15:01:03: Went to Planned Parenthood for advice. The sign in front said "Enter in Rear". Cool! Didn't have to get out of my car!!
  
• 18:58:52: geoff: I've always mourned the loss of Tim-Tams more than the loss of you, you pathetic fuck! Lurk THAT, asshole! Stay away from me!!
  
• 19:09:11: PS. You were never anything more than a free ticket to me! PPS. It's "ex", not just "x", you illiterate fuck!!
  
• 21:41:26: RT @teeco71: I'm not crazy... 1 of the voices that speak to me is a psychologist and he assures me I'm just fine.
  
• 22:01:05: You know what scares me the most? Hearing a noise when I'm playing with m.... Shit! What was that?
  

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From Twitter 10-07-2009

• 00:49:04: Just took my 151st mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 02:32:51: I had forgotten about an additional benefit of now having AT&T: I can now text vote on #DWtS and #AmericanIdol!! Hehe
  
• 03:13:38: RT @TheCosmicJester: Cat #1: MINE! Cat #2: No, MINE! Cat #3: Om nom nom nom nom http://bit.ly/cvDqd
  
• 03:19:07: That poor scaredcat!! Lol RT @freddurst RT @LIPOPILOT http://www.twitvid.com/83C40
  
• 08:59:11: Finally got iPhone! Yay! 3Gs too-finally MMS!! Feel free to send those dirty pics over... Hehe http://twitpic.com/klrjk
  
• 09:25:42: Was my 7,000th tweet REALLY about a unisex potty with @Geisha_Boy?! LOL
  
• 19:27:47: Why do my fingers smell like Elmer's?! :-/
  
• 21:46:58: Loved tonight's new South Park episode, but a little queasy because I had just eaten Chipotle before watching it!! LOL
  

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From Twitter 10-06-2009

• 01:35:59: Just took my 150th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 01:41:26: She totally won! RT @DailyBaylee http://mikeyp.us/dznzl - Daily Mugshot #146 - In a staring contest with daddy! And I won! (@MichaelParisi)
  
• 03:34:33: Can I borrow someone's cat for a week or 2?! I need a female 2 teach my spayed female @BayleeDutchess that she needs 2 squat when she pees!
  
• 04:01:58: What are your thoughts, people? Are YOU going to get the swine flu vaccine when it comes to your area?!
  
• 04:03:14: Haha RT @AhhPhotography: Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
  
• 04:05:45: HAHAHA RT @westallen: RT @Pearlydean: AIBOHPHOBIA - the fear of palindromes.
  
• 04:21:09: RT @Twitter_Tips: r/t Tweet about actress running out on bill gets *the waiter* fired? Yup: http://j.mp/ZOFSA --Share: http://bit.ly/cegz5
  
• 08:02:02: Does anyone have the owners manual for a wife? Mine's emitting a terrible whining noise.
  
• 15:01:28: My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Oh I do, do I? We'll see about that...
  
• 17:44:07: Do Android phones have built-in Google Voice?! ie Automatic number conversion for SMS and/or voice calls?!
  

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From Twitter 10-05-2009

• 00:12:25: Just took my 149th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 00:36:39: Is anyone else's Comedy Central on DirecTV off on its timing?? It's messing up my TiVo recordings!! It's been going on for a while...
  
• 03:17:35: Trying to properly format my contacts with my US AT&T iPhone 3GS. How do I dial int'l numbers on AT&T? Do I dial 011 or just a + sign??
  
• 05:54:49: http://mikeyp.us/ttmnl - I had no idea it was so complicated!! LOL
  
• 08:08:38: If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me a nickel, I’d be twice the clichéd ass I am now!
  
• 15:01:18: Saw a great headline in our local newsletter yesterday. "Stationery Shop Moves."
  
• 17:30:18: Multimedia message HAPPY BIRTHDAY, @STARBUCKSTINK!!! :-)
  
• 19:50:35: OMG I freakin' LOVE Donny Osmond!!! Hehe #DWtS
  
• 21:28:02: Yaaay for free latte!!!
  
• 21:29:10: Just got pulled over. Apparently your headlight can be out for 2 1/2 months before the cops notice!! LOL
  
• 21:51:09: Rape joke in 10 minutes. You've been warned!
  
• 22:01:17: No + GHB = Yes
  

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From Twitter 10-04-2009

• 00:04:25: Just took my 148th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 01:27:37: HELP!! My MP3s r stored on ext drive which I had to "take ownership of" on my laptop. I can browse but not play MP3s alone or with iTunes!!!
  
• 04:43:05: RT @ismashphone Reply w/ #TweetPocket & get promo Code http://bit.ly/1KgWXP New twitter client, 5 codes available. You have 24 hrs to reply
  
• 08:01:27: I love Placebo's new album. Or do I just think I do?
  
• 15:01:32: News Headline: "Amy Winehouse Hires Healer". I think we all know there's a typo in there!
  
• 21:16:57: Hey Family Guy: Judiasm is a religion, not a nationality!! There is overlap but it's different!!
  
• 22:01:57: Just found a man laying face down in the street with a calendar stuck up his ass. I think he’s been date raped!!
  

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From Twitter 10-03-2009

• 01:57:44: Just took my 147th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 04:47:56: Best line from this weeks "Community" on NBC: "I'm making a documentary. It's like a real movie, but with ugly people!" ROFLMAO
  
• 08:01:18: The other day I got pulled over for speeding. Apparently, "Because you were chasing me!" isn't a valid reason!!
  
• 15:01:41: I think it should be part of a friend’s job to immediately clear your cache and browsing history if you die.
  
• 17:59:09: RT @soulboykirk: RT @jeffrago: May you live as long as you want. And never want as long as you live. ~ Findley's Irish Pub #quote
  
• 18:01:02: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 18:25:58: Finally watched my saved episodes of ABC's Cougar Town. That's a really good show!!!
  
• 21:53:00: Someone asshole on Grindr just called me a 'male cougar'... Srsly?!?! Does 30 ACTUALLY qualify?! LOL
  
• 22:01:12: Dwarfism is a growing problem...
  
• 23:38:23: Yaaaay! @soulboykirk is out of Twail!!!!!
  

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From Twitter 10-02-2009

• 03:20:51: Thank you, @TheCosmicJester, for a WONDERFUL time in Vegas!!! :-D
  
• 03:27:28: Whose leg do I have to hump to get a #GoogleWave invitation around here?!?! LOL #google #wave
  
• 03:40:50: RT: 20 Google Wave invites that I'm giving out in a few days!!! Follow @creative_webdev and RT this like crazy to get one! #googlewave
  
• 08:01:09: Disabled people deserve equality, so let's all start parking in the best spaces!!
  
• 10:06:36: I'm at my interview! Wish me luck!!
  
• 11:57:46: Can I hear about everyone's experience, good AND bad, with AT&T mobile service and/or the iPhone 3Gs, please??
  
• 12:05:17: #FollowFriday Two great causes for Marriage Equality! @MarriageForNone and @NOH8campaign Follow and help them trend! #MARRIAGEFORNONE #NOH8
  
• 12:36:25: I lived with my grandparents who made a "living selling bathtub thalidomide to circus folk." -Chuck Lorre (#257)
  
• 15:02:15: At the Last Supper, how come no one sat at the other side of the table?
  
• 15:10:43: True!! RT @bucknsj: People on the can in public restrooms shouldn't be talking on their phones while straining at the same time. It's gross.
  
• 18:32:21: Just took my 146th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 22:01:23: Q: Where can you find adulterous women in Iran?
  A: A stone's throw away!!
  

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From Twitter 10-01-2009

• 00:28:27: OMG Jubilee was freakin' fantastic!!! So "VEGAS" and SOOOO spectacular!! HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!!!
  
• 00:30:03: .@TheCosmicJester And Drag Magic was AWESOME!!!
  
• 01:35:21: Just took my 145th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 01:41:16: I've been suuuuuuuurounded by perky boobies, and I LOVED it!!
  
• 01:43:24: And @TheCosmicJester really enjoys saying "perky boobs"!!! Hehehe
  
• 06:12:59: RT @EricGourmet: Lets Get Twitter to Add a Retweet Button, Join the Petition Here: http://retweet.com - Spread the Word #retweetsite
  
• 06:21:15: HAHAHA RT @DWTusen: Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. (via @setandgoprods)<<Lol :)
  
• 06:23:09: I'll love you forever for a #GoogleWave invite!!!
  
• 07:51:09: Stroke joke coming up in 10 minutes. Sensitive? You've been warned!!
  
• 08:01:30: My girlfriend recently told me that I kiss like a stroke victim... How weird that she has that frame of reference!!
  
• 10:45:04: http://mikeyp.us/quyfk - Cashetta, "The World's Best Drag Magician"!! Well, how many are there, really?!?!
  
• 10:45:04: Boobie heaven, courtesy of Bally's in 3... 2... 1...
  
• 10:50:09: http://mikeyp.us/zcxqj - Roller coaster night! Doubled $ on Let It Ride, then lost it. 1.5'd $ on 3 Card Poker, the broke 100% even! LOL
  
• 10:51:02: Waaaaaaay late post!! GRRR at Boost Mobile!!! Hehehe RT @MichaelParisi: Boobie heaven, courtesy of Bally's in 3... 2... 1...
  
• 11:24:48: Goooooodbye Vegas!! I'll miss you!!
  
• 11:30:48: Ad: Win a 2010 Camaro 2SS from Charter! Visit charter.com/camaro for complete rules and to register. http://bit.ly/11DB0q
  
• 13:17:20: RT @freewaveinvites: Thanks to our sponsor we have 1000 google wave invites to share in the next 24h. RT & follow
  
• 13:46:23: Guns don't kill people. People kill people. But the gun sure helps!!
  
• 13:54:10: http://twitpic.com/jvfs9 - Bellagio lake seen from the Eiffel Tower
  
• 13:57:26: RT @freewaveinvites 1000 Google Wave invites to share in next 24h. #googlewave #wave RT & follow
  
• 13:57:36: http://twitpic.com/jvga4 - The Strip seen from the Eiffel Tower
  
• 14:00:12: Just passed a Smart-Car-slash-Hummer dealer!! I'm not sure how I feel about that! LOL
  
• 15:02:26: Q: What has two grey legs and two brown legs?
  A: An elephant with diarrhea.
  
• 15:13:34: http://twitpic.com/jvrb7 - 1lb burger stuffed with bacon and mashed potatoes!
  
• 15:16:21: http://twitpic.com/jvrqr - Hash House A Go Go Las Vegas: Martha Approved!!
  
• 15:18:21: http://twitpic.com/jvrzh - Snickers bread pudding!! OH... MY... GOD!!
  
• 22:01:34: Nobody wished me a happy birthday today. Oh well... I wasn't suprised, today isn't my birthday!
  
• 23:07:12: http://twitpic.com/jxfkq - The odometer in @TheCosmicJester's car!!
  
• 23:31:44: Pulled over. Nearly arrested. iTheCosmicJester is in handcuffs... Totally kidding - it was just a tail light out!!
  

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From Twitter 09-30-2009

• 00:29:22: Just took my 144th mugshot! http://www.dailymugshot.com/main/show/24652
  
• 01:56:44: http://twitpic.com/jp0qp - Oops...Didn't turn out like I hoped...
  
• 02:11:05: http://twitpic.com/jp7oy - Waiting for the Mirage Volcano to erupt!!
  
• 02:34:08: What sucks is that BOTH the Bellagio Fountains and the Mirage Volcano were cancelled due to high winds... :-(
  
• 05:01:53: I've discovered I really love Let It Ride!! I'll definitely play again!! Thanks Kat & Tom!!
  
• 05:25:18: My referral link: http://bit.ly/4FZdjD Please sign up!!
  
• 05:42:49: RT @yaarik: Surf's up Wednesday: Google Wave update (from the official Google blog :) http://tr.im/AcMb AWESOME!
  
• 05:45:15: Is it bad to like both?!?! RT @djc8080 Twitter is the theater of the mind; television is the theater of the mindless
  
• 05:54:25: ME TOO!!! RT @WesWyatt Surely SOME1 out there has a Google Wave Invite they'd like 2 share!!! Please don't make a Big, Bald Guy beg!!!!
  
• 05:55:35: RT @bear54: Sincere: very sad about Tsunami. Sarcasm: Did they legalize gay? So sick of ministers who practice Biblical meteorology.
  
• 08:01:48: People call me a hypochondriac, which really hurts me!!
  
• 15:01:09: Q: Why is gambling not allowed in Africa?
  A: Because there are too many cheetahs!!
  
• 15:51:10: Anyone get an invite to Google Wave yet?! Any nomination invites you wanna share with me?! ;-)
  
• 16:50:19: Ad: Pretty cool new hotel search website - Check average prices before entering dates. Hotelicopter.com is easy!! http://bit.ly/m9P3z
  
• 18:01:26: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 20:35:53: T-minus 2 hours to Boobs on Steps!!
  
• 22:01:25: If there's one thing that always makes me laugh, it's N2O!!
  
• 22:29:56: OMG!! Front row freakin' center for Boobilee! Oops, I mean Jubilee!!
  
• 22:31:11: At the Rio's Carnival World Buffet. @TheCosmicJester thought I was kidding!!
  

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