Next year I'm giving up lent for alcohol.

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

My bf dumped me bcuz he said I'm too immature. Well the joke's on him bcuz that little comment just got him banned from my treehouse!

I trashed a perfectly good bottle of roofies, but I think I misunderstood the part on the bottle that said "Best Before Date".

Uuuummm, so you're asking me to not tell lies...by swearing on the Bible?!?!

My life has hit an all-time low. I'm stuck as a cook in a Chinese restaurant. It's so bad I'm considering chop sueycide!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

The woman whose life I just saved said she was repulsed by my CPR technique! Isn't that the point?!

Q: Why don't Catholics use condoms? A: Because altar boys can't get pregnant!

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?!

"Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did!!" OMFG I freakin' LOVE #2BrokeGirls!!!!

I'm sick of assholes hassling me about recycling! Next time I'll reuse one of my shopping bags to suffocate the fucker!!

I'm in crisis mode! If everyone reading this PayPals me just $1 each, I'll be able to pay my rent. Please help me. :-'( [email protected]

Q: Why is the day after Thanksgiving called Black Friday? A: To match the mood of all those angry shoppers!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

My thoughts go out to the families of anyone killed in today's Black Friday stampedes...

Ok... *NOW* it's ok to play Christmas music and put up Christmas decorations!

Now that the shops have just opened I can wish everyone a Happy Rebecca Black Friday Friday!!

Thank goodness the pilgrims used a turkey for Thanksgiving and not a cat or else we'd have to eat pussy every November!

Wouldn't it be great if they celebrated Thanksgiving in Turkey?!

April showers bring May flowers, but Mayflowers bring pilgrims!

Happy Thanksgiving!!! :-D

I hit my bf last night. I was so heated & it was a spur of the moment thing. He was mad at first. Best wank I've had in a while!

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

My life-long ambition is to live forever!

I just heard that Mohammed Ali delivered a eulogy for his friend the other day! It must've been a moving tribute.

Being a person is too complicated. Time to be a unicorn!

Why don't people believe in sex before marriage when clearly it's sex *after* marriage that doesn't exist?!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

I was blessed with a giant penis. Looking back, I think the priest took advantage of me...

Religion is for people who don't understand science.

Personal domain problem fixed. Email to me is working again! :-)

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

In the hospital waiting room, I noticed a sign that said, "CCTV In Operation". I hope it's gonna be ok!

My ex-friend disgusts me! He'd always come over w/ lipstick on his mouth. Couldn't he just leave that poor dog alone?!

Since my friend was diagnosed with IBS he's become such a party pooper.

I tried to comfort my friend who just had a stroke by telling him a few jokes. He couldn't keep a straight face.

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

With the world population now around 7 billion, Waldo is becoming more and more difficult to find!

I'm getting really frustrated with my boyfriend. He's been taking self-defense classes and has already learned to duck!

OMG So freaky! http://youtu.be/eI_uUKD18No (not for the faint of heart!)

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

I just had a boxing match with a Star Wars character. I won, Han's down.

My parents filled my head w/ nonsense like Santa & the Tooth Fairy. Well now I'm older & don't fall for that shit anymore, thank God!

Religion: Giving people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

My bf caught my fucking my buddy & said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know...that's why I'm doing it to him!"

The only time I ever 'go the extra mile' for my job is when I fall asleep on the bus home.

Why do the cars in Terra Nova have no doors?! Helloooooo??!?!?!!! Dinosaurs!!!

My ex left me because he said I'm too depressing. But who cares?! We're all going to die eventually anyway...

Hitman: Someone who kills people for money. Hitwoman: Someone who doesn't know when to shut her fucking mouth.

Hitman: Someone who kills people for money. Hitwoman: Someone who doesn't know when to shut her fucking mouth.

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

My ex left me because he said I'm too depressing. But who cares?! We're all going to die eventually anyway...

Happy 11/11/11 at 11:11!!

Happy 11/11/11 at 11:11!!

Happy 11/11/11, everyone!

Great line on 'Mike & Molly' this week: "You can't shake a whore tree and expect an angel to fall out!" ROFL

You know what the big problem with racism is? It never works!

I thought I had a fairy tale relationship, but the outlook is Grimm.

My boyfriend pulled a muscle during some really awkward sex positions he forced me to try. I guess that's karma-sutra!

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.

I like to mix business with pleasure, so I raped my boss.

My boyfriend kept me awake all last night with his head in the toilet. That should teach him not to talk back to me!

I finally gave in just now and masturbated for the first time in a month. I can't believe how far I've come.

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

Trip out! Dr. Pepper mixed with Strawberry Fanta tastes exactly like a Watermelon Jolly Rancher!!

My ex left me because he said I'm addicted to oxymorons. Oh well... He was pretty ugly anyway!

My slutty niece is pregnant and claims to have never slept with her boyfriend. Dibs on naming the religion after me!!

Atheism: "The universe has infinite complexities which we try to understand." Religion: "The magic sky-man made it all. Now gimme money."

Google Gravity?! The page still works! Do an "I'm Feeling Lucky" Google search for Google Gravity: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Google+Gravity&l=1

OMG How cool! If you go to Google at type "do a barrel roll", it WILL!!!! Hahaha

Worrisome Adam Lambert lyrics: "Give you fever, fever". I doubt many of his lovers have the immune system to handle it!

"I just got in a fight with myself over something I have no business being involved in." -Dane Cook

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up... They were pissed!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

I have a real flare for arson.

My friend told me that pineapple juice makes cum taste better, but I prefer my pineapple juice by itself!

So many people die because of alcohol...but so many are born because of it, so it all works out!

Q: If you have a moth ball in each hand, what do you have? A: A fucking gigantic moth!

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

Unscramble these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Answers: 1) Spine 2) Lither 3) Ginger 4) Subtext

ThereOnceWasAYoungGirlNamedMaddie WhoWasLostByHerMommy&Daddy. IDon'tThinkShe'sDead. She'sJustGivingHead ToSomeGuyInAPortugueseAlley!

I'm making a reality show about anorexics who love the music of Queen. It's called "Another One Fights the Crust".