So it's the last day of #Movember. When I shave, remind me again where I'm supposed to donate my mustache...

Before you can truly love someone else, first you have to love yourself...then wash your hands.

Facebook is a lot like ancient Egypt -- people writing on walls and worshiping cats...

If we're friends, there's an 90% chance I've texted you mid-poop.

Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the fuck up!

My boyfriend left me because I keep telling dick jokes. It's gonna be hard when I tell my friends.

Calculators may look antiquated on the outside, but it's what on the inside that counts.

My friend decided that she wants to get an abortion. She just needs to find someone to get her pregnant first.

Mondays seem to go by in microwave minutes...

It's only fair religion & prayer have no place in school. After all, education & knowledge have no place in the church.

John 10:15, Mark 11:30, Matthew 12:15. After that I'm free all afternoon.

Just got a handjob from an 18-year-old prostitute. Best pro teen shake ever!

So who killed JR *this* time?!

Bored? Send a text message to a random number saying: "I'm pregnant."

I wonder what the Black Friday trampling death toll is so far...

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist!" Today's the only day that's not dirty...

Supplement your Black Friday purchases with my #eBay items! http://mikeyp.us/eBay

Happy Thanksgiving! :-D

Humor Hotlines: Tom the Thanksgiving Turkey's Voicemail 781-452-4003

My penis just died. Can I bury it inside of you?

Sometimes I think life is one big test and I'm in the wrong classroom.

Humor Hotlines: Santa is stressed! Call 973-409-3466 to hear him flip out if you make him mad! Note: NOT for young kids! ;-) #ANGRYSANTA

I like blowjobs because it mixes two of my favorite things: Getting blown and doing nothing.

Antivirus pioneer John McAfee is wanted for murder charges. They estimate the trial will last 30 days.

I didn't realize how lonely I was until I realized my favourite sexual position was left-handed.

If Tetris taught me one thing, it is that mistakes pile up while success just vanishes.

The catholic church has a strict anti-molestation policy. Three strikes and you're transferred!

The day of the rapture is when all the religious people if the world disappear, leaving the rest of us in heaven.

Humor Hotlines: Tom the Thanksgiving Turkey's Voicemail 781-452-4003

Humor Hotlines: End of the World Advice Hotline 631-403-2013

I always thought microwaves came from friendly dwarves.

I think I could fall madly in bed with you.

Someone stole my tree last night, so I've spent all morning nailing pictures of it to local dogs.

Strippers with fake tits should be tipped in Monopoly money!

Just finished an experiment to find the best cure for hiccups. The result was a big surprise.

My boyfriend has recently started self-harming. I warned him not to back talk me, but he just won't fucking listen.

Lots of languages have different words pronounced the same. "Marriage" means something different for u than for me. Stay out of it!

It's not my fault the gov't uses "marriage" as a legal term. Please don't punish me over semantics. I don't have to follow ur religion!

When someone sends me a text that just says "k", I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one. (I'm talking to you, Mittens!)

It must have been really cold today. I saw a Republican with his hands in his *own* pockets!

I invented a new cocktail called a "Sandy". It's just a watered down Manhattan.

If god didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food!

Q: What does a pig and Muhammad have in common? A: Nothing. Please don't kill me.

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

I just got called rude by some cunt!

Sometimes I stuff underwear in my socks so my feet look bigger.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

Just a reminder: You don't have to tell Facebook or Twitter goodnight. You can just shut up!

Success is like a fart. It only bothers people when it's not their own.