Condoms are sold in 3 sizes: Small, Medium, and Liar

The third rule of Fight Club is to have fun and try your best.

My BF accused me of having no imagination, so I punched him so hard in the face that it looked like someone had punched him in the face.

I went to an Army Surplus store to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my PIN.

I don't think I could ever stab someone... I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun!

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant always from Earth?!

The way to a man's heart is through is stomach. Unless he's a vegetarian...then it's through his vagina.

Blunt knives are pointless.

My so-called "friend" just called me a snob! Needless to say, I had the butler show him the door!

My friend asked me, "If you were stuck on an island w/ 1 record, what would it be?" I said, "The long-distance swimming one would be good!"

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick...especially since his name is Mohammed.

Religion is like pink slime. Once you know what it is, smart people stay away!

Oh no! This new iPhone looks the same as the old one! How will people know I'm better than them?!

I don't even know why we bother with smartphones! They spend so much time charging, we might as well call them landlines!

Tomorrow I'm finally opening the time capsule I made when I was a kid! I can't wait to see how big my puppy is!

Sliced Bread: The best thing since ripped-up bread!

A mosquito just landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life!

My boyfriend keeps complaining about his nine to five job. I must admit, 4:51 is a strange time to start work.

My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult!

Why do dogs like sticking their head out of car windows but then get mad at you if you blow in their face?!

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Is it just me, or does the Alphabet Song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I've never seen a church with free Wi-Fi. I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works!

If the Professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?!

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to??

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I once turned a whole student loan into vodka! Your move, Jesus.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

A naked man jumped out at me in the park last night and I nearly had a stroke! But my arm was too short to reach.

Can someone cry underwater?

Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: It wasn't. Numbers are insentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water, I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch!

I'm so sick of overused internet acronyms, especially when they're used inappropriately lol

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody's gonna to be wrong.

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?

Apparently the Stroke Hotline isn't what I thought it was...

My boyfriend left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, his loss!

I arranged a threesome last night... There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time!

If you ever need anything, and I mean *anything*, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

I miss the good old days when if someone talked to you about god, you could just nail the asshole to a piece of wood.

Look, nobody knows where all this shit comes from, but I'll side w/the scientists who don't make me apologize for being human every Sunday.

I wonder if other birds look at pigeons in the same way that we look at homeless crackheads.

Life's too short to waste time hating people, so you need to learn to be really efficient at it.

It's not kidnapping. It's surprise adoption.

When life gives Lady Gaga lemons, she makes an outfit.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

2014 is gonna be tough! It was easier to change a 2 to a 3 than it will be to change a 3 to a 4!

New Year's Resolution: Date more models. Revised: Date more. Revised: Get a date. Revised: Stop crying while masturbating.

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January!

I want to open a business called Resolutions. It's a gym for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50!

This has to be the best day of the year so far!

My New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. C. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

Brits are so stupid! Did you know they celebrated New Year's yesterday at 5pm?! That's so weird!