From Twitter 08-30-2010

• 04:00:07: RT @PhoenixCub: @foursquare Do you have a way to suggest badges? I don't see that option on your site.
  
• 08:00:18: Nothing says "I don't really give a fuck about you" like an e-card.
  
• 15:00:21: I used to be quite good at wordplay once a pun a time.
  
• 16:42:28: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Harrah's Ak-Chin Casino on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/6CA8I4
  
• 16:53:51: OMFG Wouldn't believe it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes! 5 Aces at @Harrahs_AkChin Pai Gow -- TO THE DEALER!! Shufflemaster much?!
  
• 20:36:12: RT @dealsplus: Win #Apple Product in 1 hour. Just retweet this & follow @dealsplus to win. http://dealspl.us/giveaway/
  
• 20:44:28: RT @dealsplus: Win #Apple Product in 1 hour. Just retweet this & follow @dealsplus to win. http://dealspl.us/giveaway/
  
• 22:00:29: They say dog is a man's best friend. Well of course!! Who else would lick gravy off your balls?!
  

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From Twitter 08-29-2010

• 08:00:57: Q: Why does McDonalds put sesame seeds on their buns?
  A: So blind people don't eat the boxes.
  
• 15:00:20: I start my new job at a restaurant tomorrow. I can't wait.
  
• 22:00:28: A lion would never cheat on his wife...but a tiger wood.
  

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From Twitter 08-28-2010

• 08:00:21: I was at a very awkward party last night in an igloo. I tried to break the ice, but it just made things worse.
  
• 15:00:27: Wouldn't airport security would be more effective if they looked for explosive devices instead of bottles of water?!
  
• 18:01:28: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:23: There's nothing more ironic than seeing a wet floor sign that has fallen over.
  

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From Twitter 08-27-2010

• 08:00:49: My friend has no arms. I feel for him.
  
• 15:00:43: Do Muslims write OMA instead of OMG?
  
• 22:00:34: Q: What's the difference between a security light and my ex?
  A: A security light gets turned on when it sees me!
  

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From Twitter 08-26-2010

• 02:37:54: Wow! My hotel thermostat will allow me to set it as low as 45F if I want. I'm kinda tempted...
  
• 02:38:00: I like to think I'm irresistible to women. Or, as the courts would prefer, "stronger".
  
• 03:25:57: Well...that sucked. But it could be worse!!
  
• 12:42:28: R u KIDDING me @Harrahs_AkChin?! Hotel power out? No A/C, & kinda hard 2 breathe thru a CPAP that's OFF! Casino power is fine OF COURSE!!
  
• 13:02:39: I'm so sick of my boyfriend ripping up my paper airplanes. He's so fucking childish!!
  
• 13:48:44: Is it sad that my favorite thing right now (not counting people) is sleep?!
  
• 15:00:31: It's funny how men change. I never really noticed it until I set up a camera in the Wal-Mart fitting rooms...
  
• 22:00:29: The 3 most heart-warming words anyone can say to you: "Lack of Evidence"!
  

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From Twitter 08-25-2010

• 01:20:05: Besides junk mail, my PO Box had 1 letter from Mazda and 5 casino mailers. What does that say?!
  
• 06:15:51: I can't stop watching "Letting Go of God" with Julia Sweeney on SHO2. It's really good!!
  
• 08:00:43: I have a fear of flying. It's called Islamophobia.
  
• 15:00:44: The only thing worse than not washing your hands after taking a leak is just heading straight for the hand dryer!
  
• 17:10:32: Big rig pulled over by highway patrol!! SWEET!!!
  

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From Twitter 08-24-2010

• 08:00:27: Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
  A: Because Jewish women won't accept anything that's not 20% off!
  
• 15:00:35: I'm a philosopher. I think.
  
• 22:00:39: I threw my boyfriend a suprise bukkake party last night... Awww, you should have seen his face!!
  

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From Twitter 08-23-2010

• 08:00:36: A man was shot in the head with a starting pistol downtown last night. Police say it's definitely race related.
  
• 15:00:13: I tried to recapture my youth. But the little fucker was too fast.
  
• 20:50:35: Why can't I ever just break even?! :-( A 'free' casino giveaway just cost me $73.00 -- then another $551.00 to win the $73 back!!
  
• 22:00:25: I fucked a dwarf last night. It was okay, but I won't be making a hobbit of it.
  

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From Twitter 08-22-2010

• 08:00:24: Q: How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
  A: No one knows. They never get the fucking house!!
  
• 15:00:35: My ex said he needed more space. So I locked the fucker outside!!
  
• 18:52:12: I'm at US Post Office (591 Plaza Circle, Litchfield Park). http://4sq.com/7bLTxW
  
• 22:00:22: My friend suggested that we start having 'no strings' sex. I said yes. I don't normally use string anyway. I use rope!
  

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From Twitter 08-21-2010

• 08:00:30: Pirates are stupid. I wouldn't risk losing the only eye I had left by letting a sharp-beaked parrot on my shoulder!
  
• 12:05:04: It works!!!! :-D
  
• 15:00:26: Et cetera: An expression used to make others believe that u know more than u actually do.
  
• 21:17:36: I love that I have a BF who doesn't judge me 4 wearing Crocs in public!! I know I shouldn't but it's nice 2 not be harped on for it! LOL
  
• 21:40:15: I've seen haboobs, but never from the inside at 60 mph!! This is some scary shit!!
  
• 22:00:23: I got a tattoo of Confucius between my ass cheeks. I wanted a wise crack.
  

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From Twitter 08-20-2010

• 08:00:25: I've heard a lot of people referring to HIV as "the eighties disease". They're right...it IS a retrovirus.
  
• 11:52:53: Got my CPAP!! :-D (@ Good Night Sleep Wellness Center) http://4sq.com/axSZkc
  
• 12:04:23: Way overdue for a haircut!!! (@ Great clips) http://4sq.com/bdtDWS
  
• 14:56:21: I just passed a big truck with AZ license plate "BB 2". I'd like to think a #BigBrother contestant of yesteryear was driving!
  
• 15:00:22: A spouse is someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single!!
  
• 22:00:18: Last night I rubbed coffee granules on the end of my dick. I came in an instant.
  

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From Twitter 08-19-2010

• 08:00:25: Never judge a book by its cover...unless the word Twilight is written on it. Then you know it sucks.
  
• 15:00:27: It's mean to start rumors about the death of an annoying pop star. People will be mad when they find out it's a hoax!
  
• 22:00:26: My ex thought I had erectile dysfunction. I didn't have the heart to tell him he was just ugly...
  

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From Twitter 08-18-2010

• 08:00:38: I once bought my ex some shoes. It was damn expensive! The blacksmith only sold them in fours!
  
• 15:00:33: My bank will text me with my balance. It's a cool feature but I didn't think the LOL was necessary.
  
• 18:07:08: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:26: My friend called me a liar, so I slapped him across the face with my 13 inch cock.
  

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From Twitter 08-17-2010

• 08:00:39: Is it just me, or do the 'before' & 'after' pictures of Haiti look the same?!
  
• 08:14:45: India has adopted a very positive stand in laws pertai… — Civil rights issues should not be up for debate by the… http://4ms.me/dDhiUh
  
• 08:16:31: Today Indian youth wants to celebrate Independence day in it's own way besides the official cere… — Uuuuh... What?! http://4ms.me/bxqDpm
  
• 08:20:36: Ask me anything!! http://formspring.me/MichaelParisi
  
• 08:22:28: If there is a poor boy from a poor family will you help him by giving food or money? — No. http://4ms.me/d30OxK
  
• 08:23:23: Do you think someday gays will be in majority? — There are already more than anyone can even guess!! http://4ms.me/a0CQUd
  
• 08:25:39: what's the first will you do if left alone in an island? — Look for Jeff Probst! http://4ms.me/b4vrNo
  
• 08:28:08: where do you get fucked generally? — At home. http://4ms.me/aMs7VZ
  
• 08:29:38: Why do bottoms always expect tops to travel to them? — Maybe they'd drive if they had bothered to meet beforehand! http://4ms.me/9b84az
  
• 08:30:05: Have you done porn? — No. http://4ms.me/d7aCYQ
  
• 08:30:30: Whats the greatest # of men you've had sex w/ in 1 day? — I hate fractions. http://4ms.me/ais8CT
  
• 08:31:12: Do you ever fuck ass? — I'm flattered, but you'll have to buy me dinner first!! http://4ms.me/abhTzt
  
• 08:32:02: How hungry is your hole? — I haven't bothered to ask it before. http://4ms.me/90IUOJ
  
• 08:33:12: do you have regrets? — Of course I do! http://4ms.me/dmqyV2
  
• 08:35:08: what is the limit of sex with one guy before you switc… — That's just a sad, sad question and shows what's wrong… http://4ms.me/dlf8uH
  
• 08:36:08: do you carry a pencil when you go to bed? — Doesn't everybody?! http://4ms.me/blXTEo
  
• 08:38:59: What ice cream flavor would you like to invent? — Dark chocolate ice cream with chocolate chip cookie dough!! http://4ms.me/d0Ho5f
  
• 08:40:20: What day of the week does your Birthday fall on in 201… — It's on a Wednesday this year. I'm not gonna lie: I'll… http://4ms.me/aNPTbe
  
• 08:42:31: oi o que vc faz da vida? — Huh?! http://4ms.me/a03zle
  
• 09:11:03: RT @PhoenixCub: I don't understand gay men who find the need to call each other girl and refer to each other in feminine pronouns.
  
• 09:15:48: My Twifficiency score is 54%. Whats yours? http://twifficiency.com/
  
• 09:17:49: RT @StarbucksTink: RT @LilyStarbuck: RT @MarleeMatlin: jst a matter of time bt marriage equality will prevail as in Mass, DC Iowa CT, Vt ...
  
• 09:23:09: RT @LilyStarbuck: I could've lived my entire life without hearing the word 'Biebergasm'... He should be crucified upside down for inspir ...
  
• 10:01:14: Ad: If I needed glasses, I'd go with Frame Number 319916. It'd make me look smart! :-) http://spn.tw/ttWeX
  
• 15:00:40: It was so cold today, I actually saw a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!!
  
• 15:04:47: Happy Dead Baby Day!! @PhoenixCub
  
• 15:09:30: Brothers!!
  
• 20:35:22: Sleep Study part 2... With the CPAP this time. I'm so exhausted and ready for this!!!! (@ Good Night Sleep Wellness Center)
  
• 20:35:22: I just became the mayor of Good Night Sleep Wellness Center on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/axSZkc
  
• 21:54:57: 1 of the 25 or so wires isn't reading so I might be forced to reschedule my sleep study. This is kinda stressing me out!
  
• 22:00:28: There's no such thing as premature ejaculation. If you can't keep up, that's your problem!
  
• 22:55:20: Yaaaay it's happening!!
  

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From Twitter 08-16-2010

• 06:07:20: RT @PhoenixCub: Yummy! Lane in the pool on #BB12! Thanks @MichaelParisi for taking the photo. http://twitgoo.com/1iedts
  
• 08:00:20: Walk ur female friends home at night cause if u don't & something terrible happens to them, u won't get to see it!
  
• 13:54:09: Need 2 get up early tomorrow so I'm tired 4 my final sleep study tomorrow night. Any ideas 2 wear me out 2day so I'll be tired early 2nite?
  
• 15:00:17: I like to find couples in stores, & when they're not looking, drop anal lube in their cart. The arguments are priceless!
  
• 22:00:16: Some men are like butter... Only useful when spread!
  

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From Twitter 08-15-2010

• 08:00:25: I got stoned after rolling a joint in a mosque.
  
• 09:31:11: #BigBrother, Pizza, Penny Casino (PaiGow/AsiaPoker, MississippiStud, LetItRide, Craps, 21, Slots), Wii & night swimming. My place. Who's in?
  
• 09:39:16: RT @jac1975: TEABAGGER= Totally Enraged About Blacks and Gays Getting Equal Rights. LMAO!!! #lgbt (via @Marrangona)
  
• 09:39:53: RT @Emperor37ANofSF: ♁♁ ♂♂ CONGRATULATIONS CALIFORNIA! ♂♂ ♁♁
  
• 09:41:56: RT @TheCowlicker: Grammar is important: Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse & helping your uncl ...
  
• 09:43:36: RT @NicoandArthus: RT @freedomtomarry BREAKING: Judge Walker lifts stay, and same-sex couples now have the freedom to marry in CA #Prop8 ...
  
• 09:51:09: #BigBrother, Pizza, Penny Casino (PaiGow/AsiaPoker, MississippiStud, LetItRide, Craps, 21, Slots), Wii & night swimming. My place. Who's in?
  
• 15:00:30: Don't spend millions on airport scanners! Simply hand out bacon skewers. If they dont eat, they dont fly!!
  
• 17:01:47: I complain abt the Promotions staff & they post a job opening! Wishful thinking?! RT @Harrahs_AkChin: Promotions and Events Coordinator Job
  
• 17:04:05: Too good to be true! Im the mayor of everything there, with occasional thefts RT @Harrahs_AkChin: Foursquare promotions are in the works!
  
• 17:04:50: (unless they saw who the mayor is and changed their mind and are finding a way out of it. That's my luck)
  
• 22:00:26: Always cum first!! Sex is a race and everyone loves a winner.
  

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From Twitter 08-14-2010

• 03:31:58: Shame on you, @Harrahs_AkChin! Ur Promotions staff rly needs customer service training. You're about to lose us as Diamond players this way!
  
• 03:32:47: Are plumbers always late for appointments because they're too busy making porn films??
  
• 08:00:28: I'm a recovering alcoholic. And by that, I mean I have a hangover...
  
• 15:00:24: Air freshener: Because there's no louder way of telling the whole house you just took a shit.
  
• 18:08:04: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:20: Why are laptop speakers always too quiet for music but too loud for porn?!
  
• 23:19:41: I'm weeks behind on #SYTYCD (& that's MY fault), but of ALL PLACES to have the outcome ruined for me: a fwy billboard?! Seriously?! :-P LOL
  
• 23:22:45: Wish me luck on my sleep study tonight!! Pray I stop breathing!! LOL I really need to get my hands on a CPAP!!
  
• 23:26:35: Time for my sleep study!!! (@ Good Night Sleep Wellness Center) http://4sq.com/axSZkc
  
• 23:56:23: Holy crap this place is nice!! It's like a hotel!!!
  

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From Twitter 08-13-2010

• 08:00:26: I watched a movie with my friend last night. I was on the edge of my seat. Fat bitch!
  
• 12:29:18: What kind of music can you just not stand to listen to? — Rap! http://4ms.me/9ZnkKt
  
• 12:30:19: If you had access to a time machine, where and when wo… — To my mom's 61st birthday dinner: August 2nd, 2008. I … http://4ms.me/bonLFX
  
• 15:00:24: I HAVE DECIDED TO WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS FROM NOW ON. THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN SACRAMENTO.
  
• 19:18:08: Happy Friday the 13th!!!
  

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From Twitter 08-12-2010

• 04:11:42: Just so u know, according to Joslyn in the Diamond Lounge, a French Martini is not a 'gay drink'. It's just 'sensitive'!
  
• 08:00:26: When I visit a public bathroom, I bring along a George Michael album on the off-chance I may be able to get it signed.
  
• 15:00:31: My boyfriend told me that he's camera shy. Who the fuck told him about the cameras?!
  
• 17:17:57: Approx 14 of the past 48 hours have reeeeeeeeally sucked!!!
  
• 22:00:26: Hot lesbians: God's way of saying sorry for fat chicks.
  
• 22:56:11: I just became the mayor of The Ice Tre on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/ccZHYV
  

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From Twitter 08-11-2010

• 08:00:20: I have a trophy wife. It's just a shame the trophy isn't first place...
  
• 15:00:22: Facebook: A way to keep up-to-date with all the parties I haven't been invited to.
  
• 22:00:34: Does being part of the human race count as exercise?!
  

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From Twitter 08-10-2010

• 05:45:59: Why do people think that calling a fat guy "big guy" isn't offensive?!?! News flash: IT TOTALLY IS!!!
  
• 08:00:43: When arguing with ur wife it's probably not the best idea to remind her that even the Wii Fit thinks she's a fat bitch!
  
• 08:22:42: Insomnia grrrrrrrrrrr
  
• 15:12:16: Q: Why do women outlive men?
  A: Because they don't have wives!!
  
• 22:00:20: I arranged a three-way last night... There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time.
  

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From Twitter 08-09-2010

• 08:00:21: I don't see the point in sending money to Haiti. It's not like there are any shops left to spend it in!!
  
• 15:00:21: Stable relationships are for horses.
  
• 22:00:12: This joke is like my penis: It's not very long and you're probably gonna laugh at it.
  

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From Twitter 08-08-2010

• 08:00:30: The PGA voted Tiger Woods Player of the Year. Sources are unsure if they were actually referring to golf though...
  
• 15:00:21: My friend got his flu shot earlier. I coughed on my gun and fired it at him.
  
• 22:00:16: Q: What do you call a Pakistani porn star?
  A: Ramit Baldeep
  

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From Twitter 08-07-2010

• 08:00:25: I went to a Chinese restaurant & got great service. The waiter was so fast it looked like there were 5 of him!
  
• 15:00:21: What's worse: Your wife finding porn in your web history, or your wife finding nothing in your web history??
  
• 22:00:21: The Vuvuzela: The most useless, annoying, and despised piece of musical plastic since Michael Jackson.
  
• 23:12:34: The @TS_Resort is disappointing. 1 CasinoWar, 1 LetItRide, 3 ThreeCardPoker, & ALL Blackjack! Where's the dang selection?! Paigow Poker?!
  

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From Twitter 08-06-2010

• 08:01:17: My friend criticized my apartment, so I knocked her flat.
  
• 15:00:30: I'm trying to cut down on masturbation, but it's really hard...
  
• 22:00:38: Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a goat?
  A: Banned from the petting zoo.
  

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From Twitter 08-05-2010

• 03:58:15: VERY FUNNY!! Call 401-285-0060 to hear a new (fake) Movie Hotline!
  
• 08:00:24: I just bought one of those memory foam beds. I'm impressed!
  
• 22:46:15: I remember when my mom would tuck me in. She really wanted a daughter...
  

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From Twitter 08-04-2010

• 06:58:05: I love my iPhone (not AT&T), but this is really funny!! Thanks goes to @PhoenixCub for this: iPhone 4 vs HTC Evo http://mikeyp.us/wfdil
  
• 08:00:30: Discreetly placed microphones really bug me.
  
• 15:01:11: If u play a Justin Bieber album backwards u hear msgs from Satan. Even worse, if u play it forwards u hear Justin Bieber!
  
• 18:01:26: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:16: My grandpa was shocked to learn he had Alzheimers......again!!
  

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From Twitter 08-03-2010

• 17:20:12: I'm gonna call a distribution company. It's gonna be "Roped Up Bear Feast: Meat Edition". (-@Ice9Tre)
  
• 17:20:55: With no service a lot of my posts didn't go thru on time. So here they come...
  
• 17:22:58: My Asian friend was horrible at karaoke last night. It went down like 99 Lead Balloons.
  
• 17:23:34: Puberty is going to hit Justin Bieber harder than Chris Brown hit Rhianna!
  
• 22:00:40: I was asked at airport customs "Do you have any firearms?" Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.
  
• 23:03:39: .@Harrahs_AkChin, why do u exclude @Total_Rewards Diamond members from Platinum giveaways?! Frankly, we spend more & deserve more, not less!
  

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From Twitter 08-02-2010

• 00:27:31: I still think about you every day, Mom. I wish you were still with us and could share in my new life. I love you. Happy birthday.
  
• 08:15:44: When my dad told me to strike out on my own, I assumed I would have three tries!
  
• 15:00:20: Isn't it discrimination that gingers can only use two lifelines in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?!
  
• 22:01:22: Q: Who would win in a fight to the death between the Jonas Brothers and Justin Bieber?
  A: Music.
  

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From Twitter 08-01-2010

• 08:00:21: "Here comes Bono! Quick...act starving!!"
  
• 11:44:46: Yaaaay for cold and rainy!! I freakin' love it!!!!!!!
  
• 11:46:48: Oh and btw, "cold" is 82F!!
  
• 15:46:05: Something tells me I have schizophrenia...
  
• 22:00:46: Does anybody else feel awkward when a woman doesn't choose the iron in a game of Monopoly?!?!
  

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From Twitter 07-31-2010

• 08:00:47: The only thing better than winning the lottery is winning the lottery the day after your divorce becomes final.
  
• 15:00:25: Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to phish and he will steal your identity!
  
• 18:01:19: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:24: Susan Boyle reminds me of computers. Whenever I see her, my cock goes Microsoft...
  

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