From Twitter 05-30-2010

• 05:58:33: THANK YOU, @Harrahs_AkChin, for the 4-of-a-Kind and TWO Straight Flushes on Pai Gow Poker last night!! :-D
  
• 08:00:38: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam."
  
• 15:00:35: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Man who fart in church must sit in own pew."
  
• 22:00:13: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Man who fish in strange well often catch crabs."
  
• 22:17:57: RT @PhoenixCub: You've gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run.
  
• 22:41:40: I forgot to send a big thank you to Diana at @HarrahsLaughlin for my last trip out there!! :-)
  
• 23:27:18: I just became the mayor of Casa del Pito sin Corte, los Antibióticos, y el Ejaculación de Fuego on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9Lm6sb
  

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From Twitter 05-29-2010

• 08:00:26: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Virginity like bubble. One prick, all gone."
  
• 15:00:15: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Passionate kiss like spider's web. Soon lead to undoing of fly."
  
• 22:01:14: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Man who play with self in bank soon come into money."
  

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From Twitter 05-28-2010

• 08:00:19: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "It take many nail to build crib but one screw to fill it."
  
• 15:00:30: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key."
  
• 22:00:19: Wanna piss off a female archeologist?? Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it came from!!
  

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From Twitter 05-27-2010

• 08:04:31: Did you hear that Mattel is coming out with "Divorce Barbie"?! She comes with all of Ken's stuff...
  
• 15:00:25: If a red ship and a blue ship collided, would the crews be marooned?
  
• 15:33:14: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Harrah's Laughlin on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/asFieB
  
• 17:25:02: I'm now the owner of a Bally 6000 series slot machine!! Home use, of course! Hehe :-P http://twitpic.com/1rnt64 http://twitpic.com/1rnt55
  
• 22:00:28: A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
  

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From Twitter 05-25-2010

• 08:04:14: Q: What's pink and fluffy?
  A: Pink fluff.
  
• 10:50:12: Not a joke! Totally serious: Any doctors out there wanna help me get a refill on my cholesterol medication?? :-(
  
• 13:37:30: RT @TFLN: (410): Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
  
• 15:00:55: Do squirrels swim on their backs to keep their nuts dry?
  
• 22:00:31: Are transvestites guilty of male fraud??
  

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From Twitter 05-24-2010

• 01:25:18: Not quite sure how to feel about #Lost!! :-/
  
• 08:00:26: Goodbye 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, & 42!!
  
• 15:00:35: Next time a cop tells you that anything you say will be used against you, just say "Breasts!"...
  
• 15:13:42: RT @BudDha_PuNk: "24" will end on the "24th"...after lost ended on the "23rd"..some ppl will get this..#LOST
  
• 20:48:27: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Harrah's Ak-Chin Casino on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/6CA8I4
  
• 20:48:50: I just became the mayor of Ak-Chin Diamond Lounge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/aN6aSZ
  
• 22:00:33: If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry??
  

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From Twitter 05-23-2010

• 05:52:12: Wow! 3rd Sunday in a row with big TV finales. I don't know what to do with myself!!
  
• 08:00:21: Corporate America is just like Christmas! You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit!!
  
• 15:01:01: Q: What do you get when you cross an Saudi Arabian with a Mexican?
  A: Oil of Olé!
  
• 22:00:12: Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman? Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why!!
  

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From Twitter 05-22-2010

• 08:00:18: If ur hiking with buddies and see a bear, don't panic. U only need to outrun ONE friend!!
  
• 15:00:22: A hydrogen atom walks into a bar & says, "I lost my electron". I ask, "Are u sure?" He replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
  
• 18:02:07: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:43: Apparently, "before the booze kicks in" is not the best answer when a cop asks why you were speeding!! :-/
  

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From Twitter 05-21-2010

• 01:30:29: I'm at Flamingo Las Vegas w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/Gepsi
  
• 07:05:48: Ad: $199/wk Last Min Vacation Blowout Sale! Destinations worldwide frm Endless Vacation Rentals-1&2 bdrms avail! Ends5/21 http://spn.tw/ap1j
  
• 08:09:23: Q: What's the diff btwn bachelors & husbands?
  A: Bachelors check fridge & go 2 bed. Husbands check bed & go 2 fridge!
  
• 15:00:36: I was just in a terrible accident and lost the whole left side of my body. I'm all right now!
  
• 15:50:02: I just became the mayor of Spinettis Gaming Supply on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dlBmDr
  
• 15:50:02: I'm at Spinettis Gaming Supply w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/dlBmDr
  
• 17:05:40: I just became the mayor of Gambler's General Store on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9fLnrc
  
• 17:14:14: I'm at Cheetah's (2112 Western Ave, Las Vegas). http://4sq.com/614rdL
  
• 17:32:07: But I'm Diamond!!! (@ Club Platinum) http://4sq.com/akKmxe
  
• 17:38:45: I'm at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/zEDQa
  
• 22:00:18: If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.
  

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From Twitter 05-20-2010

• 08:00:20: Is it just me, or does Dunkin' Donuts sound like a basketball team??
  
• 15:00:16: Q: What does burnt toast & a pregnant girlfriend have in common?
  A: You wish u had taken it out a few seconds earlier!
  
• 17:57:57: YAAAY! Finally DIAMOND STATUS in Harrah's @Total_Rewards program! I "converted" last night at @ImperialPalace!! http://twitpic.com/1piyp0
  
• 18:10:34: Yaay for Buffet!! (@ Rio All Suite Hotel & Casino w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/4oFSDC
  
• 18:46:46: Freak-of-nature crouton at @RioVegas' Carnival World Buffet!! http://twitpic.com/1pjbwx
  
• 18:47:07: Oooooh the carnage!! It looks like they're trying to escape!! :-/ http://twitpic.com/1pjbzl
  
• 21:55:52: I'm at Frank Marinos Divas Las Vegas (3500-3570 Las Vegas Blvd S, Las Vegas). http://4sq.com/afmACi
  
• 22:00:25: If you had a hungry donkey and I had an extra rooster, I'd be happy to put my cock in your ass for you.
  

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From Twitter 05-19-2010

• 08:00:31: Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
  
• 15:00:21: When u gotta fart, do it to the beat of loud music so no one hears. Just make sure that you're not listening to ur iPod!
  
• 22:00:25: Scientists just discovered a gay dinosaur. They're calling it a Mega-sore-ass!
  
• 23:09:15: I'm at Police Checkpoint @ Hoover Dam w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/bqiPpI
  
• 23:09:55: I'm at Hoover Dam (U.S. Highway 93, NV & AZ, Boulder City). http://4sq.com/7z7xT0
  
• 23:09:58: I just ousted @jordan_orosco as the mayor of Hoover Dam on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/7z7xT0
  

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From Twitter 05-18-2010

• 08:00:19: Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
  A: No i-deer!
  
• 15:00:53: Do Mexicans play basketball Juan on Juan?
  
• 18:21:25: ...con Ronaldo!! (@ Casa del Pito sin Corte, los Antibióticos, y el Ejaculación de Fuego) http://4sq.com/9Lm6sb
  
• 22:00:28: Q: What do you call a virgin from Afganistan?
  A: Never bin Laidon.
  

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From Twitter 05-17-2010

• 08:00:32: Q: What do you call a fish with no eye?
  A: A fsh.
  
• 15:00:14: Do bored cows rent moovies?
  
• 22:00:36: "The best thing about sleeping with twenty eight year olds is that there are twenty of them!" ~MJ
  

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From Twitter 05-16-2010

• 05:30:12: OMG I'm so excited!! Only 13 1/2 hours until the #Survivor finale!! Today's shift is gonna go sooooooo slow!! Hehe
  
• 08:00:23: Is killing a priest considered a white collar crime?
  
• 12:00:17: SEVEN HOURS!! GO RUSSELL!!!!!!!!!! #Survivor
  
• 15:00:30: Patient: "Doctor, something's wrong! I can't feel my legs!"
  Doctor: "Yes, that's because we had to amputate your arms."
  
• 21:34:15: Done with dinner and now the #Survivor finale!!!! :-) Complete social media blackout until I'm done!! LOL (@ Ron's Place)
  
• 22:00:20: Sometimes when I'm really tired I prefer doggie style. He sits up and begs, but I just roll over and play dead!
  

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From Twitter 05-15-2010

• 08:00:18: New Voicemail: "Hey Bob, Twitter's down. Please call when u get this. I'm dying 2 know what u had 4 breakfast! Thanks."
  
• 11:57:40: / 1 Banana & Cinnamon at @S
  
• 11:57:46: A Venti 6-pump Chai Créme Frappuccino® w
  
• 11:57:52: tarbucks is super yummy!!
  
• 13:09:09: I just became the mayor of Panda Express on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/cSD1o7
  
• 15:00:11: Can I trade this job for what's behind Door # 1?
  
• 22:00:15: Costume party idea: Show up barefoot w/no shirt. Tell them ur a Premature Ejaculation & say "I just came in my pants!"
  

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From Twitter 05-14-2010

• 08:00:19: Words to live by: Always drink upstream from the herd!
  
• 15:00:21: Old government temp workers never die... They just lose their census!!
  

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From Twitter 05-13-2010

• 06:25:42: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Harrah's Ak-Chin Casino on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/6CA8I4
  
• 06:48:13: Royal Flush on the 1x line of Multi Strike Poker at @Harrahs_AkChin. $125.00!! Buy why not higher up?! Hehe http://twitpic.com/1nf3n8
  
• 08:00:26: My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them!!
  
• 15:00:15: There are 4 seasons in this damn town: Almost Summer, Summer, Still Summer, and Road Construction!!
  
• 17:46:06: A @Starbucks Soy Strawberries & Créme Frappuccino® Blended Beverage with a banana blended in!! Yummy!!!
  
• 22:00:17: I have a great idea for a country song!! It's called "If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now!"
  

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From Twitter 05-12-2010

• 03:47:43: I think I now understand why coyotes will chew off their own leg to escape from a trap!!
  
• 04:37:22: Woah!!! When did my jokes stop?! :-( Back on schedule... More to come!!
  
• 08:00:21: Sign in a veterinarian's office: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
  
• 15:00:15: OMG I just almost hit a pedestrian from Miami. I know he was from Miami because he kept yelling "Sunny Beach" at me!!
  
• 18:08:16: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 20:07:52: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Ron's Place on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/cdtaN6
  
• 22:00:17: Old man limps into ice cream shop & orders a banana split. The waitress asks, "Crushed nuts?" He says, "No. Arthritis."
  

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From Twitter 05-10-2010

• 22:00:23: Q: What do you call a fast lesbian?
  A: Lickety split!
  

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From Twitter 05-08-2010

• 02:39:05: 4 me the worst part of the fwy shooting is that TWO ppl who saw said the deceased's arm & feet weren't covered! :-(
  
• 18:02:06: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  

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From Twitter 05-07-2010

• 06:32:17: Pai Gow was good to me at @Harrahs_AkChin! The purple chip is $500! That's $798 total! http://twitpic.com/1lrhj2 http://twitpic.com/1lrhio
  
• 06:48:22: Daddy Zeus was good to me too!! Slapped my ass and left me a
  C-note!!! http://twitvid.com/X1RKT
  

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From Twitter 05-06-2010

• 01:35:10: I just became the mayor of Kasa de Karen on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dgqinS
  
• 08:00:28: Q: What does NASCAR stand for?
  A: Non-Athletic Sport Centered Around Rednecks.
  
• 15:00:26: You know you're too drunk to drive when you swerve to avoid a tree and then realize it was your air freshener!!
  

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From Twitter 05-05-2010

• 00:05:14: iFeliz Cinco de Mayo!
  
• 02:16:06: THE STROKEMEISTER Shake Weight for Men Parody!! http://j.mp/99hz2o SHUT UP DENNIS!!! #YouTube
  
• 08:00:29: Q: If Miss Issippi and Miss Ouri each have a New Jersey to wear tonight, what will Dela Ware?
  A: I Da Ho. Al Ask A!!
  
• 12:05:12: Last night's iPhone freeze & data loss scare is finally over! Whew!!!!!!
  
• 15:00:26: Q: What do you call a video of pedestrians?
  A: Footage.
  
• 22:00:21: #Offensive #DontRead
  Rape is a difficult job! It's like trying to play golf with a moving hole!!
  

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From Twitter 05-04-2010

• 08:00:37: Happy STAR WARS Day!! "May the Fourth be wth you."
  
• 15:00:19: I'm so out of practice in bed that even nymphomaniacs want to just be friends...
  
• 22:00:20: Why are wives so weird?? They won't have sex with their husbands for weeks but then get mad at the woman who will!!
  

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From Twitter 05-03-2010

• 08:00:22: Today is a Vegas recovery day! Jokes will likely be delayed!! Hehehe
  
• 15:00:25: If u can't ignore an insult, top it. If u can't top it, laugh it off. If u can't laugh it off, it was probably true!!
  
• 21:04:36: Back at @HarrahsLaughlin with @PhoenixCub and @MrProducer. First we buffet, then we play!!
  
• 22:00:27: I'd hate 2 be an egg! U only get laid once, the only woman 2 sit on ur face is ur mother, & it takes 4min to get hard!!
  

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From Twitter 05-02-2010

• 08:00:27: A man in a small boat felt cold, but it sank when he lit a fire, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
  
• 15:00:28: A priest, a rabbi, and a vicar walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of joke?!"
  
• 22:00:26: Friendship is like peeing your pants. Everyone can see it but only you can feel its true warmth!
  

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From Twitter 05-01-2010

• 08:00:29: Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!
  
• 15:00:27: Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says "Get outta here! We don't want your type in here!"
  
• 16:29:43: I'm at O'Shea's Casino w/ @jayfenster. http://4sq.com/8vy9JJ
  
• 21:28:58: "THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!!!"
  -Karen Elder (19something - 2010 if she had heard us!)
  
• 22:00:25: Q: What's the difference between Dannon Yogurt and Phoenix, AZ?
  A: Only one has culture!
  
• 22:11:02: OMG Karen just got a picture with BARRY freakin' MANILOW!!!
  

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From Twitter 04-30-2010

• 08:00:34: Borrow money from pessimists...they don't expect it back!!
  
• 11:07:21: Off to Las Vegas with the gang!! R u ready for us, @ImperialPalace?! :-) (@ Parisi's Pussy Palace) http://4sq.com/9828YW
  
• 13:15:34: I'm at Middle Of Fucking Nowhere, Arizona. http://4sq.com/aR2XkL
  
• 13:19:13: http://ping.fm/p/DH16R - My baby picture!! :-P
  
• 13:45:17: http://ping.fm/p/WVLCO - Cinnaboobies!! :-)
  
• 15:00:34: I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet!
  
• 15:45:50: I'm at Hoover Dam (Highway 93, Nevada and Arizona, Boulder City) w/ 2 others. http://4sq.com/7z7xT0
  
• 17:52:57: WOOOO HOOOOOO for a mirror over the bed at @ImperialPalace! http://twitpic.com/1js8t1 http://twitpic.com/1js8zl http://twitpic.com/1js8sy
  
• 22:00:15: I'm at Ellis Island Casino (4178 Koval Ln, Flamingo Rd, Las Vegas). http://4sq.com/5zkxMU
  
• 22:00:27: A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, "Beer please, and one for the road."
  
• 22:08:04: Karen & Celita at the Pai Gow table with Karen's....uhhh.......good luck charm!! http://twitpic.com/1juqbo
  
• 23:19:26: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Imperial Palace Las Vegas on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/5ugOMa
  

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