From Twitter 11-29-2010

• 12:00:37: "Food for thought" seems like a pretty good deal.
  
• 22:00:17: Making love is fucking overrated.
  

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From Twitter 11-28-2010

• 12:00:18: If being apathetic is wrong, then I don't care.
  
• 22:00:16: I mixed up my sleeping pills and Viagra last night. I ended up having 40 wanks...
  

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From Twitter 11-27-2010

• 12:00:22: I couldn't get health insurance due to a pre-existing condition. I'm broke.
  
• 22:00:24: I don't understand why Christians are against gay marriage. Jesus had two dads...he turned out alright.
  

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From Twitter 11-25-2010

• 12:00:23: April showers bring May flowers, but May flowers bring Pilgrims!
  
• 15:00:16: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
  
• 15:30:07: Keep your eyes off the turkey dressing...it makes him blush!
  
• 16:00:14: Wow! What a great spread...AND you made dinner!!
  
• 16:30:22: Talk about a HUGE breast!
  
• 17:00:15: I'm in the mood for a little dark meat...
  
• 17:30:27: It's Cool Whip time... Then I might have room for dessert!
  
• 18:00:16: I've waited all year to say "If I don't undo my pants, I'm gonna burst!" and not sound dirty!
  
• 22:00:45: Tying the legs together really did keep the inside moist...
  

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From Twitter 11-24-2010

• 02:38:06: It's a shame that Christians give Christ such a bad name! (Re: Apple approves hate-filled app) http://mikeyp.us/xchcu
  
• 12:00:40: I'm sick of hearing about the banking crisis! I've lost interest...
  
• 22:00:28: My friend says my jokes are obscure & don't make sense, which is funny considering his uncle used to grow his own onions!
  

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From Twitter 11-23-2010

• 00:20:01: Do porn stars get fat if they have too many creampies?
  
• 12:00:34: The first step to recovery is admitting that you're a problem.
  
• 17:50:40: RT @michaelianblack: Just ate a bunch of oysters. Not sure if they're an aphrodisiac or not but I'm currently making love to a paper tow ...
  
• 22:00:27: You know the economy's in trouble when America's main export is tweets.
  

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From Twitter 11-21-2010

• 11:59:49: Reinventing yourself is easy when no one knows you exist.
  
• 22:00:05: My boyfriend caught me cheating on him with a midget. I'm trying to cut down on my adultery.
  

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From Twitter 11-20-2010

• 12:00:16: Is the Isle of Dogs the Isle of Man's best friend?
  
• 23:02:23: Isn't it funny how the longer you lie in the sun and do absolutely nothing, the darker your skin gets?
  

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From Twitter 11-19-2010

• 12:00:12: I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different station every day.
  
• 22:01:54: Restrooms should be labeled in English. Cartoon silhouettes of sombreros & castanets don't mean anything when I'm drunk!
  

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From Twitter 11-18-2010

• 12:00:19: ook around to make sure nob
  
• 12:00:30: ody noticed.
  
• 12:00:31: If at first you don’t succeed, quickly l
  
• 12:52:25: Oops! How appropriate... :-P "If at first you don't succeed, quickly look around to make sure nobody noticed!"
  
• 22:03:47: I don't know who this 'Off' guy is, but it seems like everyone I meet wants me to have sex with him.
  

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From Twitter 11-17-2010

• 12:02:05: How do women in burkas tag each other on Facebook?!
  
• 16:59:55: Q: Why did the blonde snort Sweet-n-Low?
  A: She thought it was Diet Coke.
  (courtesy of Michael L. Pulsifer)
  
• 21:59:52: So many voodoo dolls, not enough pins...
  

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From Twitter 11-16-2010

• 12:00:00: If you heckle soldiers on Veterans Day, can you be arrested for being rotten to the Corps?
  
• 19:13:43: Uuuuh seriously?! Disney makes cat food now?! http://twitpic.com/37iakx
  
• 21:59:56: They say if a guy has big feet it means he has a big dick. That makes the thought of being raped by clowns even scarier!
  

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From Twitter 11-15-2010

• 11:59:59: Today some girl said she recognized me from her vegetarian club. I was
  confused -- I'd never met herbivore...
  
• 13:26:52: Just absolutely WASTED my time, travel, and budget. Thanks for nothing, @Harrahs_AkChin!
  
• 14:30:35: My statement about @Harrahs_AkChin is amended, not retracted. They made it right but why does it have to be so difficult?!
  
• 17:47:07: RT @PhoenixCub Facebook announced a new email service today... but knowing Facebook, they'll find out a way to screw it up.
  
• 17:48:27: RT @PhoenixCub: Droid Pro: Most annoying ringtone ever | Android Central http://t.co/ZJKe2o2 via @androidcentral
  
• 17:49:48: RT @LachlanMarkay: Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants. #TSAslogans
  
• 17:51:49: RT @TSAagent: Longer lines will mean more time to get to know the other happy and friendly passengers you'll be getting molested with! h ...
  
• 17:53:11: RT @TSAagent: I wasn't going to announce the new TSA Club Card yet, u beat me to it. Every 12 pat-downs gets a reach-around! #TSAslogans ...
  
• 21:59:56: To my boss: "What's the difference between today & ur coffee mug?"
  Boss: "What?"
  Me: "I'm not coming in today."
  

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From Twitter 11-14-2010

• 03:03:51: "Castles don't have phones, asshole!"
  
• 11:59:55: Why does @facebook have a Twitter account?!
  
• 22:00:14: I really don't understand people who say they don't believe in
  abortion. I mean, it definitely exists.
  
• 23:32:50: I'm just glad I saw or no one would've told me... :-/
  
• 23:35:58: Yaaaay I remembered!! (@ The Ice Tre) http://4sq.com/ccZHYV
  

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From Twitter 11-13-2010

• 11:59:57: My boyfriend said I never believe a word he says. What a liar!
  
• 15:50:12: My boyfriend's spoof video "Confessional 70's": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhRgkSd1UZ4 or http://youtu.be/OhRgkSd1UZ4
  
• 16:04:21: I guess I should mention, he's @Ice9Tre! // Re: My boyfriend's spoof video "Confessional 70's": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhRgkSd1UZ4
  
• 21:59:59: Ugly girls are like prime numbers. Nothing will go into them except themselves.
  

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From Twitter 11-12-2010

• 12:00:00: I picked up a new car today. These steroids are fucking great!!
  
• 21:59:59: One Liners: People who can't handle their cocaine.
  

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From Twitter 11-11-2010

• 12:00:01: When life gives you melons...you know you're dyslexic!
  
• 22:00:00: Marijuana is like the Koran. Setting it on fire will get you stoned.
  

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From Twitter 11-10-2010

• 03:15:10: What's with these ice cream companies advertising "New Larger Size"?! Do they think we forgot ice cream always USED TO BE a half gallon?!?!
  
• 12:00:03: Recovering shoplifters: Get ur kicks by putting items into ur Amazon.com shopping cart & then leave without paying!
  
• 14:06:11: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:00: My friend had some work done on his dick and went into porn. He made it big.
  

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From Twitter 11-09-2010

• 12:00:06: I don't know why my boyfriend left me. I have the body of a Level 78 Paladin and the wit of a Level 89 Battle Mage!
  
• 22:00:01: Irony -- along with Washy, Cleany, Tidy, Hoovery, Dusty, & Dishes --completes the seven female dwarves.
  

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From Twitter 11-08-2010

• 12:17:06: My Italian friend and I decided to have a beard growing contest. She won.
  
• 22:00:02: Masturbation: The leading cause of tissue damage.
  

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From Twitter 11-07-2010

• 23:00:07: Transsexuals just aren't what they used to be...
  

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From Twitter 11-06-2010

• 12:00:13: I just broke up with this cross-eyed guy. I thought he was seeing someone else.
  
• 14:33:34: http://twitpic.com/34jbod
  
• 14:34:22: http://ping.fm/p/dusBi
  
• 15:31:22: More like AMAZING! :-D RT @PhoenixCub @michaelparisi & I just got back from a flight around the valley on @skywaymanaz's plane. It was fun!
  
• 19:06:29: http://twitvid.com/MXOCI - Here's the takeoff/landing of my first flight in a small plane! I can't wait to do it again!
  
• 20:01:49: Here's a MUCH higher quality version of the video from my last post: http://youtu.be/yeFWWeabZPc
  
• 20:20:41: Watch my flight video in HD on YouTube at http://youtu.be/yeFWWeabZPc or Facebook in my videos, or in SD on TwitVid at twitvid.com/MXOCI
  
• 22:00:16: Life sucks. But so do some guys, so it evens out.
  

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From Twitter 11-05-2010

• 12:00:12: Apparently, people think you're "weird" if you go to the movies alone. So I
  brought my cats...
  
• 22:00:04: My boyfriend said he'd leave me if I get too controlling. It's ok though...I won't let him!
  

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From Twitter 11-04-2010

• 12:00:06: The next person to tell me I over-exaggerate is gonna get stabbed!!!
  
• 16:35:04: Who didn't see THAT one coming?!?! I knew it was Kenny since the first Coon episode! #southpark
  
• 22:00:09: My grandma just found a lump in both of her breasts. Turns out it was just
  her knees!
  

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From Twitter 11-03-2010

• 12:00:07: NBC's "The Apprentice": A competition to find the biggest idiot
  outside of Washington.
  
• 22:00:07: Schizophrenia -- together I can beat it!
  

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From Twitter 11-02-2010

• 20:20:14: Damn! 11.1% of precincts in my area reporting so far & I'm not happy! I'm seeing red!! :-( There's still 88.9% left - there's still hope!
  
• 22:00:29: This morning, I went into a little stall and pulled the handle. Then I went and voted.
  

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From Twitter 11-01-2010

• 12:00:06: Fun size?!?! It would take at least 3 or 4 of those little candy bars before I would be even mildly amused!
  
• 22:00:08: Apparently Justin Beiber hit a 12 year old kid... I guess that's the
  closest he'll ever get to hitting puberty!
  

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From Twitter 10-31-2010

• 12:00:04: NEVER play leap-frog with a unicorn!!!
  
• 18:01:14: HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! This is one of my favorite holidays!! :-D
  
• 22:00:11: Someone really should've thought to greet the rescued miners dressed
  up as the "Planet of the Apes"! Oh well...too late!
  

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