From Twitter 04-29-2010

• 03:31:23: WTF?! Local cosmetic dentist offering a senior special. Any work a senior has done is guaranteed 4 life! How morbid!
  
• 08:15:53: There cannot be a crisis today...my schedule is already full.
  
• 15:00:59: Do chickens think rubber humans are funny??
  
• 22:00:20: A woman walks into a fancy cocktail bar and asks the bartender for a "Double Entendre". So he gave her one!
  

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From Twitter 04-28-2010

• 08:00:14: My reality check bounced!
  
• 08:17:48: Ad: Field Trips For All! Lunchables wants 2 help deserving youth across the nation go on inspiring, educational trips. http://spn.tw/83VZ
  
• 11:00:08: Ad: Starting at $30 per month change lives. Donate online to CAMH & help support mental illness & addiction services. http://spn.tw/8ftt
  
• 12:17:14: Ad: Find great deals 2 experience history, attractions, arts, culture, luxury, romance, beaches, nature, golf & more! http://spn.tw/7YBP
  
• 15:00:26: Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are sneaky and will pee on your computer.
  
• 18:02:08: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:21: Don't drink and drive...you might spill your beer!!
  

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From Twitter 04-27-2010

• 08:00:26: Yes, I'm paranoid...but that doesn't mean they're NOT out to get me, right?!
  
• 15:28:54: Q: Why was the leper caught speeding?
  A: He couldn't take his foot of the gas pedal!
  
• 22:00:17: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl."
  

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From Twitter 04-26-2010

• 08:00:28: I don't like kids...but I could probably eat a whole one if I was really hungry and one was already cooking...
  
• 15:00:24: Q: What do you get when you cross ESP with PMS?
  A: A bitch who knows everything!
  
• 22:00:29: Q: How do slutty women like their eggs in the morning?
  A: Unfertilized!
  

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From Twitter 04-25-2010

• 23:00:53: Oops... I missed my bad jokes today. More coming tomorrow!
  

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From Twitter 04-24-2010

• 08:00:58: Remember, there's a very very fine line between hobby and mental illness...
  
• 15:00:23: Never insult an alligator until you're done crossing the river. The same can be said about food service workers!
  
• 18:02:20: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:16: Q: What do u get when u cross a nymphomaniac with a Mensa member?
  A: A fucking know-it-all!!
  

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From Twitter 04-23-2010

• 01:21:38: Mailing @StarbucksTink's package. Be sure to read the REF field when u get it, Leah!! Hehe (@ US Post Office) http://4sq.com/7bLTxW
  
• 01:21:38: I just became the mayor of US Post Office on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/7bLTxW
  
• 09:02:22: On the cell phone pad of life, always keep one finger on the disconnect key!!
  
• 10:19:21: Ad: Field Trips For All! Lunchables wants to help deserving youth across the nation go on inspiring, educational trips. http://spn.tw/83VZ
  
• 15:00:49: If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me...
  
• 22:00:21: My boyfriend always laughs during sex...no matter what he's reading!
  

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From Twitter 04-22-2010

• 08:00:22: SAVE A TREE! Conserve toilet paper -- use both sides!!
  
• 08:12:27: Ad: Find great deals to experience history, attractions, arts, culture, luxury, romance, beaches, nature, golf & more! http://spn.tw/7YBP
  
• 14:50:19: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Carl's Jr on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dtK1WM
  
• 15:00:20: My test results came back negative. Too bad it was an IQ test!!
  
• 22:00:24: Alcohol is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
  

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From Twitter 04-21-2010

• 08:00:46: Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
  A: It doesn't matter! He won't come anyway!!
  
• 15:00:22: Bride's dad's note to the groom: "NO RETURNS ACCEPTED." The groom's note back: "CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN."
  
• 22:00:19: Hckory dckory dock, dis bitch was suckin my cock. Da clock struck 2, I dumped my goo & dropped her @ da end of da block!
  

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From Twitter 04-20-2010

• 08:00:48: There are no personal problems which cannot be solved through suitable application of high explosives.
  
• 15:00:27: I worry too much about my job. I need to stop it! I'm not paid enough to worry!!
  
• 22:00:26: Q: How long does a husband talk to his wife after sex?
  A: Depends on how fast he finds his cell phone when she calls!
  

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From Twitter 04-19-2010

• 08:00:45: A FEEL-GOOD CHEER: "Don't feel sad! Don't feel blue! Frankenstein was ugly too!!!"
  
• 15:00:40: The secret to success is knowing who to blame for your failures.
  
• 22:00:28: I have amnesia AND déjà vu. I think I've forgotten this before!
  (On a side note, I officially name this "amnésià vu"!)
  

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From Twitter 04-18-2010

• 08:00:19: Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
  A:
  
• 15:00:24: "SALE: 100 Tampons. No strings attached. Limited period only." What a bloody good deal!!
  
• 21:34:35: Don't wanna miss out on my #4sqday badge!! (@ Chipotle - Goodyear) http://4sq.com/bFozSM
  
• 22:00:25: You don't need to tell me. I know what people are saying behind my back... "Nice ass!"
  

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From Twitter 04-17-2010

• 08:00:18: Bad pick-up lines: "I know what would look good on you. Me!!"
  
• 15:00:42: Bad pick-up lines: "You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear."
  
• 22:00:46: Bad pick-up lines: "Got two nipples for a dime?"
  

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From Twitter 04-16-2010

• 08:00:21: Bad pick-up lines: "Is there a keg in your pants, cause I wanna tap that ass!"
  
• 15:00:34: Bad pick-up lines: "Do you think I could borrow that dress sometime?"
  
• 22:00:14: Bad pick-up lines: "I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle."
  

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From Twitter 04-15-2010

• 02:12:42: RT @TheCosmicJester: Hey look iThing users: You can carry a game show announcer in your pocket FREE! http://itunes.apple.com/us/app/iric ...
  
• 02:23:21: RT @PhoenixCub: More French lessons at Paris: "Oh shit! Where is my wedding ring?!"
  
• 02:29:04: RT @PhoenixCub: French lessons in the restroom at Paris: "Has anyone seen my panties?"
  
• 02:29:10: French lessons in the restroom at Paris: "Has anyone seen my panties?" /via @PhoenixCub
  
• 02:42:58: Here's our room at Caesars Palace! http://twitgoo.com/nw3mo http://twitgoo.com/nw3nc http://twitgoo.com/nw3no /via @PhoenixCub
  
• 08:00:24: Failure is NOT an option. It comes bundled with Windows!
  
• 15:00:18: Is reading while on the toilet considered multitasking??
  
• 15:24:48: Kill me, please!!
  
• 18:44:13: Thank God for Rob Burdett!!
  
• 22:00:33: Remember, you are making progress if each mistake is a new one.
  
• 22:43:37: On my way to @PhoenixCub's for Culver's butter burgers & frozen custard & Survivor on HD (generic) TiVo!
  
• 23:30:31: I can't tell if the Culver's bathroom smells like really bad air freshener or really good vomit! :-/
  

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From Twitter 04-14-2010

• 01:43:28: I just became the mayor of Laughlin, NV on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/92aL5q
  
• 01:47:10: I just ousted @phoenixcub as the mayor of Harrahs on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/asFieB
  
• 08:01:19: Computer programmers don't Byte, they just nibble a Bit.
  
• 15:00:25: Computers are like air conditioners. Both stop working when you open Windows.
  
• 18:01:21: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:01:18: There are only 10 types of people in this world: Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
  

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From Twitter 04-13-2010

• 01:36:03: I'm at Paris Hotel and Casino (3655 Las Vegas Blvd S, btwn Harmon & Flamingo, Las Vegas). http://4sq.com/8YWZTh
  
• 04:38:35: Looooooong night but totally worth it!! (@ Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/1wrifO
  
• 08:00:31: A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those??
  
• 15:00:37: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and keep away from children.
  
• 22:00:23: The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.
  

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From Twitter 04-12-2010

• 08:00:15: You were all hungry before I came along. Now you're all just fed up!!
  
• 15:00:20: I bet you I can stop gambling whenever I want!
  
• 20:23:57: Yaaay for 24-hour, 7-buffet access!! (@ Lago Buffet @ Caesars Palace w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/al6Ojz
  
• 20:58:15: Attention: There is no Caesar dressing at the @CaesarsPalace Lago Buffet. That makes me laugh a little. That is all.
  
• 22:00:24: Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]
  
• 23:28:57: I'm at Fountains of Bellagio w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/6ZVZpL
  

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From Twitter 04-11-2010

• 01:30:31: Laughlin: Las Vegas Light® aka Diet Las Vegas®
  (@phoenixcub @harrahslaughlin)
  
• 01:54:04: I'm at Harrahs w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/asFieB
  
• 08:00:21: You might be trailer trash if: Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all! Watch this!"
  
• 11:09:57: Yaaaaaay!!! RT @phoenixcub I'm so excited! @MichaelParisi & I will be checking into our room at @CaesarsPalace abt 24hrs from now!
  
• 11:50:15: OUCH!! Just flicked my eyeball with freakin' toothpaste -- Arm & Hammer Peroxicare!! Got a spoon I can borrow to SCOOP MY EYEBALL OUT?!?!
  
• 15:00:26: You might be trailer trash if: You think Dom Pérignon is a Mafia boss.
  
• 16:48:43: I just unlocked the "Barista" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9hD8rl
  
• 16:56:40: This place is named after @PhoenixCub's college nickname!! (@ Loose Caboose) http://4sq.com/crwIsD
  
• 18:02:41: OMG!!! Amazing COMPED room at Caesars Palace AND an amazing upgrade thanks to @thecosmicjester's $20 Trick!! Pics coming soon!!
  
• 18:55:12: The view from @phoenixcub's & my Augustus Tower room at @CaesarsPalace!! Bellagio Fountain view, baby!!! WOW!!! http://twitpic.com/1ezvb7
  
• 19:23:51: I'm at Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/1wrifO
  
• 21:15:19: The server at Ellis Island Casino's restaurant just congratulated me on a job well done for finishing my meal!! LOL
  
• 22:00:34: You might be trailer trash if: You think a woman who is 'out of your league' bowls on a different night.
  

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From Twitter 04-10-2010

• 08:00:17: You might be trailer trash if:
  
• 17:24:04: I'll never forget the first time we met...but I'll keep trying!!
  
• 18:07:03: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 21:51:05: Oops. Apparently my joke pings have been incomplete for a couple days. They will be resent properly on the correct schedule...
  
• 22:00:30: You might be trailer trash if: A tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
  
• 23:47:00: I love that someone added this as a place on @foursquare!! (@ Middle Of Fucking Nowhere, Arizona) http://4sq.com/aR2XkL
  

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From Twitter 04-09-2010

• 08:01:08: You might be trailer trash if:
  
• 15:00:28: You might be trailer trash if:
  
• 23:29:41: I just ousted @sladegrove as the mayor of Culver's on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/8HqmMd
  

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From Twitter 04-08-2010

• 08:00:31: You might be trailer trash if: You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  
• 15:00:25: You might be trailer trash if: Your toilet paper has page numbers in the corner
  
• 22:00:24: You might be trailer trash if: When someone yells 'ho down', you help your girlfriend back up.
  
• 23:35:11: I'm at Culver's w/ @phoenixcub @sladegrove. http://4sq.com/8HqmMd
  

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From Twitter 04-07-2010

• 00:04:28: Laughing to myself as 2 hot cops discuss how it "takes a genius" to operate Culvers' fancy lid dispenser!!! http://twitpic.com/1dse03
  
• 08:00:16: You might be trailer trash if: Your wife's hairdo was ever ruined by a ceiling fan.
  
• 15:00:40: You might be trailer trash if: You've been married 3 times and still have the same in-laws.
  
• 22:00:12: You might be trailer trash if: You can't marry your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
  
• 22:00:50: Hey @foursquare, what's with the restrictions?! My phone thinks I'm too far away to check in at my own house!! What gives?! :-(
  

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From Twitter 04-06-2010

• 08:00:19: Men are like compuers. You have to turn them on before they'll do what you want!
  
• 15:00:35: Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die!
  
• 22:00:33: Do you sleep on your stomach? No. Then can I?
  
• 23:51:45: I just ousted @sladegrove as the mayor of Culver's on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/8HqmMd
  

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From Twitter 04-05-2010

• 08:00:20: Men are like computers. You should always have a backup ready to go!
  
• 15:00:25: A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
  
• 18:16:37: I just ousted @paigeiam as the mayor of Pei Wei Asian Diner on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/4qzpKj
  
• 18:22:08: RT @boiker Glee is going on tour. Phoenix first. http://bit.ly/d00ARJ (@PhoenixCub @daveaz79)
  
• 21:44:34: For the first time, I forgot to take my markout last week!! :-(
  
• 22:00:25: Since you don't sleep with strangers, please allow me to introduce myself!
  

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From Twitter 04-04-2010

• 01:49:13: Vegas highlight #1:Going 2a casino supply store where I start dealing blackjack to @MichaelParisi & 3 others sit 2 play. /via @PhoenixCub
  
• 08:00:14: I used to have a handle on life...but it broke off.
  
• 15:00:18: I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
  
• 22:00:25: Impotence is nature's way of saying "no hard feelings".
  

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From Twitter 04-03-2010

• 08:12:06: What's the difference between 'fat chance' and 'slim chance'?
  
• 15:06:09: If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you tomatoes, make a Bloody Mary!
  
• 17:42:42: Here's @MichaelParisi eating a tiny pink hamburger. http://twitgoo.com/mkk08 /via @PhoenixCub
  
• 22:07:10: Life is all about ass! You either cover it, laugh it off, kick it, kiss it, bust it, or try to get a piece of it!
  

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From Twitter 04-02-2010

• 08:00:20: Q: What's the difference between my ex & a catfish?
  A: One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker, & the other is a fish!
  
• 15:00:14: Why does Hawaii have interstate highways?!?!
  
• 22:00:16: Do horny walruses go to Tupperware parties to find tight seals?
  

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From Twitter 04-01-2010

• 08:00:25: A straight man's idea of a bubble bath is eating beans for dinner!
  
• 15:00:28: Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol?!
  
• 22:00:19: Q: How is a man like a blizzard?
  A: You don't know when it's coming, how many inches you'll get, and how long it'll stay.
  

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From Twitter 03-31-2010

• 04:24:09: Yaaay!! Finally here!!! (@ Paris Hotel and Casino) http://4sq.com/8YWZTh
  
• 06:59:45: Night 1 was a complete disaster!! What the hell was I thinking?!?! :'-(
  
• 08:06:14: Money talks...but all mine ever says is goodbye.
  
• 10:55:11: Ad: eSmart is thanking service industry professionals with FREE eSmart Premium Edition tax filing thru 3/31!! http://spn.tw/6mj7
  
• 15:07:04: To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
  
• 18:08:05: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:08:04: Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
  
• 23:27:22: Freakin' LOVE my company!! RT @Starbucks Listening 2 ur request 4 more sizes! Order Plenta™/Micra™ in stores this Fall. http://bit.ly/Plenta
  

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