"Jesus loves you." A kind gesture in church...a horrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison!

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Kurt Cobain killed himself one month after Justin Bieber was born... It's as if he knew!!

Q: Why do Priests make young boys read the bible? A: Because if they believe that, they'll swallow anything!

I realised I was God when I was praying and noticed that I was talking to myself...

*sniff* *sniff* I should've never eaten the asparagus! :-P

Congrats to Mr. & Mrs. Jeff & Sharon Leatherwood. I'm honored to be a part of your special day! :-)

"Warning: This movie 'MAY' contain nudity?" Either it does or it doesn't, don't waste my fucking time!!

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Q: How is a spider like Whitney Houston? A: Neither one can climb out of a tub.

It's like a museum up in hya!!

This backwards clock is totally tripping me out!!

Womens' favorite elements are Au, Ag, & Pt. But if they know their place, it's Fe. Mens' favorite element is Si.

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Why is it the assumption that racehorses have to pee more than normal horses??

I wanted to try sex w/ a Thai girl. I asked her to put on my condom for me. She said, "Ok, but u have to wear one too!"

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Would Pinocchio create some sort of world-ending paradox by saying, "My nose will now grow"??

I'm a couple 'sodes behind but I love that the cafe in "Awake" has the same name as in "Weeds": "It's A Grind". Same logo too I think.

Pick-Up Line: "Wanna touch something as long as ur thigh that's an anagram of PENSI?" Don't say til after the sex that it's SPINE.

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Q: What food did Sean Connery like to eat when he went for dinner at Michael Jackson's place? A: Shamoln.

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My favorite show is Hoarders. I have every single episode on DVD!

My boyfriend just had his teeth whitened. Although, to be honest, most of it landed on his chin.

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Some ducks in the park were looking at their reflection in the water. I think they were practicing their teenage slut face.

If God had just taken out a few more ribs, Adam wouldn't have needed a woman at all!!

If you change "Jesus Of Nazareth" to "Jesus Of Mars", the New Testament becomes a decent science fiction novel!

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? A: Gagged.

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I thwart knock knock jokes by answering, "Just a minute!"

There was a survey on why men liked blowjobs: 5% liked the look, 15% liked the feel, & the other 80% liked the silence!

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I once dated a compulsive liar. He loved me so much!

If you ever get sad, just try and imagine a T-Rex attempting to masturbate.

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I went to the store today and bought a bag of cheese that was chopped up ready for me to use. It was grate stuff!

"I'll rub, then you squirt", I said to my boyfriend last night in the bedroom. We had the polishing done in no time!

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I found a wallet today. It had a cell number, ID card, $130, & an address. It's a shame I have no way to track him down.

Are any other AT&T Wireless people having trouble sending texts to email addresses recently??

They say that laughter is the best medicine...but I don't think it'll help erectile dysfunction.

They say that laughter is the best medicine...but I don't think it'll help erectile dysfunction.

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When James Bond is out of his home country of England, is he known as +44 07?

WARNING TO ALL STR8 MEN: Women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships.

WARNING TO ALL STR8 MEN: Women are using date rape drugs called blowjobs to lure men into scams called relationships.

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"You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...cuz I always back up my rage w/ facts & documented sources." -The Credible Hulk

I know the schedule is different *this* year, but I've always chuckled that the Titanic sank on what is normally Tax Day!

I have a drinking habit. An alcoholic nun gave it to me.

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Happy....ummm....Titanic Day....?!!!

For Friday the 13th, I'm gonna head down to Tijuana for bungee jumping. Anyone wanna join me?

Dear Angel Soft, If I wanted to wipe my ass with my bare finger, I'd save the money! Please make a better product. -Charmin User

"Anyone wanna get weird and play Mario Kart?" -Don't Trust the B---- in Apt 23. SOOOO loving it!!

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A bikini leaves 90% of a woman's body exposed, yet men only look at the 10% that isn't.

I heard screaming last night. That's the LAST time I buy duct tape from the 99-cent store!!

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I worry about my parrot. He keeps saying "I can't go on. I hate my life." My roommate's too selfish to notice. He's always crying!

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If u lose 1 sense, the others are enhanced. That's why people w/ no sense of humor have such a sense of self-importance.

My doctor checked my testicles for lumps today. It only got awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair...

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When I die, I'd like the word 'Humble' to be added to my statue.

In honor of Easter, I plan to head to the clubs tonight to get hammered and nailed.

I tried to give up dick jokes for Lent, but it was so long and it was so hard. Thank God that's over!!

I feel sorry for Jesus. He spends his life doing good deeds, yet more people celebrate his death than Hitler's!

Today's the day Judas realised his April Fool's joke had gone too far.

'Hot Cross Buns' was actually the name of Jesus' first aerobics DVD.

I love Jesus. He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate!

Jesus was crucified on Friday & rose from the dead on Sunday -- just in time for half price eggs. Typical fucking Jew!!

HAPPY EASTER!! :-D In celebration, there'll be extra jokes today -- all stolen and offensive, and more of them!! :-)

My neighbor left his drapes open, so I'm watching him masturbate w/ my telescope. If only I had my telescope to see better...

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Q: What's the difference between Justin Bieber & a vacuum cleaner? A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.

Today was National Premature Ejaculation Day. It was supposed to be tomorrow, but it came early.

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I woke up at dawn once. That was my earliest memory...

Some men in wheelchairs just started groping me... I always hated fresh vegetables!

My shrink says I'm delusional and need to stop telling people I studied at Hogwarts. Like I'm gonna believe shit like that from a muggle!!

You can't spell PEDOPHILE without POPE.

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I would tell you to go to hell, but I don't like the idea of seeing your face for the rest of eternity.

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According to the Bible, God killed 2,391,421 people & Satan only killed 10. Anyone think we're following the wrong guy?

April Fool's Prank Idea: Take a pic of ur office toilet. When someone exits, pretend u were watching a webcam...of THEM!

April Fool's Prank Idea: Scrape the cream filling out of Oreo cookies and replace it with white toothpaste!

April Fool's Prank Idea: Empty a packet of Jello into your office toilet and leave it overnight.

April Fool's Prank Idea: Call up your local paper and advertise your boss' job!

God has a sense of humor! He invents bacon then doesn't let his chosen people eat it.