HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (Too bad it's apparently the last one! LOL)

Goodbye 2011! You really sucked. I'm not going to miss you!!

My New Year's resolution is to stop being such a handsome narcissist.

Finally saw Driving Miss Daisy!

Everyone should play fetch with small children. Otherwise their teeth overtake their face. FACT!

Q: What do you call male tampons? A: Bachelor Pads.

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

I ran over Gloria Gaynor in my car last night. I was only going about 30mph, so there's an 80% chance She Will Survive.

I got drunk & had sex w/my best friend. Now I can't even bring myself 2 talk 2 him. I don't even want 2 play fetch w/him!

Q: You know what's whiskey? A: Wussian Woulette!

My roomie came into the room & asked me what was on TV. Shit! I think it might be cum! I was wondering where it landed!!

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My boyfriend broke up with me because of my addiction to herbs and seasoning. I begged him to give it some thyme.

I'd like to think high heels were invented so women could put away dishes on the top shelf!

Any cops or detectives out there willing to offer some advice?

I've always thought about carrying a donor card, but I've never had the heart.

Just learned from the cops that "Boxing Day" isn't a good excuse 4 beating the shit out of ur noisy upstairs neighbor!

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No one likes the idea of their mom having sex, but starting a religion based on the idea that she never did is ridiculous!

If we're all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

My boyfriend broke up with me because I stole his wheelchair again. It's ok though...he always comes crawling back!

Loving Google's dancing lights and music on their search page today!!

My friend sent me a blank email. His message was clear.

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I do a good impersonation of Piglet, but my Pooh stinks!

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My doctor just told me I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I don't know what that is but it sounds fucking scary!

Why is there no super awesome Harry Potter®©™ slot machine yet?! :-P

Anyone who says I'm gullible can kiss my ass! I'm picking up my lottery winnings from Nigeria later this week!

"While the pessimist, optimist and realist argued over the merits of the cup, I drank the water." -The Opportunist

"While the pessimist, optimist and realist argued over the merits of the cup, I drank the water." -The Opportunist

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Humor Hotline: Call 631-960-7188 for drunk holiday thoughts!

Mar-riage [mar-ij] -noun: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.

Another eBay Listing: Hitachi C50-FD2000 Projection 50" HDTV for Repair or for Parts http://goo.gl/NfDHB (Please RT!)

My eBay listing! RARE Margaritaville Casino Las Vegas Lime Chip: http://goo.gl/H41Ct (Offering offline too!) Please RT!

Ever notice that "beer can" with a British accent sounds like "bacon" with a Jamaican accent?!

Apparently the Popemobile has 3 inch thick bullet-proof glass. There's fucking faith for you!

Why do parents think their kids look adorable when they lose their teeth? They look like tiny little homeless people!

Cool! Eric Stonestreet and the guy from the Sony PlayStation commercials pranking a guy on Scare Tactics from 2009! Nice!

"Some clowns make you laugh...and some make you DIE!!" I love Scare Tactics!! LOL

The French only fought a Revolutionary War because it's the only one they could win!

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Enough is enough. It's the exact same word!

Catholicism is like a library: Full of weirdos doing inappropriate things in the children's section.

Awesome!!! I'm so happy for Sophie! Anything would have been better than Coach!! #Survivor

Poor Ozzy. I didn't want him to win, but it sucks to lose at the last minute like that! #Survivor

Born again Christians really annoy me. Jesus, in particular.

If disabled people really want to be treated equally, why aren't their spaces randomly strewn across the parking lot?

Don't you hate it when Wikipedia copies your homework?!

Santa's an asshole! He gives more expensive gifts to the wealthier children!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

"Safety first" is a great phrase! It even follows its own advice!

Bulimia makes me want to vomit!

I wanted to buy myself a ventriloquist dummy for my birthday, but it was already spoken for.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him!!

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I've been dating a homeless man recently, and I think it's getting serious. He asked me to move out with him!

A message to religious folks: When you're done murdering & imprisoning each other, can we have our planet back please?!

What does Michael Myers do when its not Halloween?!

I love this time of year! U can slam ur laptop shut when ur bf walks into the room & not get accused of anything dirty!

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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, but give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Not many people know, but Jesus had a pretty great sex life! He got laid in a manger and nailed on a cross!

So all three wise men came with gifts for Baby Jesus?! Someone seriously fucked up that year's Secret Santa!!

If babies come from the stork, who fucks the stork??

How is it that most of the people in this country are a minority?!

It's very hard to tell the difference between a breast cancer marathon and a lesbian pride parade.

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

"You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?" DUDE! SHUT UP!!

"You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?" DUDE! SHUT UP!!

Q: What has two wings and a halo? A: A Chinese telephone.

I was mortified when the window washer looked in & saw me masturbating. Thankfully the light turned green right away!

I was thinking of getting contact lenses. But I always think my face looks a bit blurry without my glasses.

Have u heard that laptop wifi can damage ur sperm? Well, I bet it's not as much damage as sperm can cause to ur laptop!

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Two midgets are in a room when one pulls out a joint. He smiles at his friend and says, "Hey dude, wanna get medium?"

I had an interview today & just wore a t-shirt. They said I was underdressed. I guess I could have at least worn underwear!

Q: What's the difference between Santa and my penis? A: Most kids like when Santa comes!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

I had a crazy dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Mary: "I'm pregnant. It's not yours. I'm sorry." Joseph: "Holy fuck!" Mary: "Funny you should say that..."

Catholocism: The belief that a 2,000 year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.

It's not necrophilia until the coroner is called in!

Why should I learn algebra? Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate!

My boyfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with Family Guy. What the deuce?!

A donkey just ate my Christmas tree... Total pine in the ass!

Uh oh! Santa's PISSED!!! Call 631-960-7160 (by Humor Hotlines)

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

If the Ku Klux Klan thinks white people are better, why do they dress like Muslim women?!

Justin Bieber: "I just wanna spend Christmas w/ my family." I wonder what he's getting his son for his 1st Christmas...