From Twitter 03-30-2010

• 08:06:38: Haikus are easy.
  But sometimes they don't make sense.
  Refrigerator.
  
• 15:06:07: Q: The difference between in-laws and outlaws?
  A: Outlaws are wanted!
  
• 22:05:08: The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
  
• 22:07:48: I just ousted @anth2011 as the mayor of Target Goodyear on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/4K6oYV
  
• 22:58:57: By checking in somewhere more than anyone else within the past 2 months. At least 2 checkins gets u a mayorship.
  
• 23:04:02: Oops. That last tweet was supposed to be an @ reply to @MrProducer!! LOL
  

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From Twitter 03-29-2010

• 08:08:10: You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice!
  
• 15:06:07: Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
  
• 19:48:31: Google Voice does a character count when sending an SMS from the web. If you send a rly long 1 it stops counting & just says "Really?"! LOL
  
• 22:06:47: Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be...
  

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From Twitter 03-28-2010

• 08:06:12: The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  
• 15:05:07: Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  
• 22:06:09: I always take life with a grain of salt...plus a slice of lime and a shot of tequila!
  

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From Twitter 03-27-2010

• 01:49:15: So sick of people parking in my space!! I'm getting such joy watching the tow truck take it away this time!! :-D
  
• 08:05:25: I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  
• 15:06:11: Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!
  
• 18:07:26: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:05:04: Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
  

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From Twitter 03-26-2010

• 08:05:18: Why isn't 'phonetic' spelled the way it sounds?
  
• 15:05:05: If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining!
  
• 18:20:40: I just ousted @jeremyvaught as the mayor of Starbucks - Litchfield Rd & McDowell on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/cjUwDs
  
• 18:23:26: Yaaay for poker night!! (@ Kasa de Karen) http://4sq.com/dgqinS
  
• 22:05:04: Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
  
• 22:19:21: You KNOW you're desperate when you have to do it by hand!!! http://twitpic.com/1b6ynz
  
• 23:46:18: "All This Tab A and Slot B Stuff is Getting Me Excited"
  

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From Twitter 03-25-2010

• 00:07:17: WTF?!?! FM 102.5 KNIX is playing three songs OVERLAPPING right now! It's like a really bad mashup!!
  
• 01:26:48: Is it bad that I'm sick of hearing about healthcare?! Just work it out and tell me the outcome when it's all over. But until then: shut up!
  
• 01:29:28: (Re: My last tweet) I want the news to shut up about it, not my friends!
  
• 08:05:18: Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
  
• 15:11:59: RXZlbmluZyBuZXdzIGlzIHdoZXJlIHRoZXkgYmVnaW4gd2l0aCAnR29vZCBldmVuaW5nJywgYW5k
  IHRoZW4gcHJvY2VlZCB0byB0ZWxsIHlvdSB3aHkgaXQgaXNuJ3QuDQo=
  
• 15:12:16: Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  
• 21:34:50: I just unlocked the "Swarm" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dx3RMO
  
• 22:04:05: Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
  

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From Twitter 03-24-2010

• 08:05:10: There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  
• 15:07:18: There's too much blood in my caffeine stream!
  
• 22:04:08: The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
  
• 22:31:25: I'm at Ron's Place w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/cdtaN6
  

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From Twitter 03-23-2010

• 01:11:35: Wow! @BayleeDutchess must have taught @LittleNalaKitty to play fetch, cause now she's really good at it!! http://twitvid.com/26DC0
  
• 08:07:10: The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
  
• 15:04:10: The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  
• 22:04:07: Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
  

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From Twitter 03-22-2010

• 08:11:08: Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!
  
• 15:05:03: Oh Lord, give me patience, and GIVE IT TO ME NOW!
  
• 22:04:06: Q: Why don't they teach driver's ed and sex ed on the same day in Iraq?
  A: They don't want to wear out the camel!!
  
• 22:39:06: I just fished a bug out of my drink! It's just a gnat but now I can't bring myself to drink it even though I really want an iced coffee! :-(
  

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From Twitter 03-21-2010

• 06:52:31: Ugh... Too... Early... For... Work.........
  
• 08:03:48: Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with!
  
• 22:03:05: Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
  
• 22:44:13: Ouch!! Just...ouch....... :-(
  
• 22:47:23: After my Harrah's visit, I now have no choice but to turn tricks for cash! :-( Any takers?!
  

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From Twitter 03-20-2010

• 08:04:04: It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
  
• 15:04:05: Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor
  
• 22:03:10: Very funny Scotty! Now beam down my clothes!!
  

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From Twitter 03-19-2010

• 06:34:43: FINALLY saw "The Hangover"!!!!
  
• 07:25:31: I'm at Chick-fil-A (1466 N Dysart Rd, Goodyear). http://4sq.com/4uzn0z
  
• 08:03:29: If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it!
  
• 09:46:42: Totally creepy 'missing camera' photo from "The Hangover". Look at the guy in back!! ROFL http://twitpic.com/19k3ti
  
• 09:48:47: I love when cats 'cackle'!! Here's @LittleNalaKitty pining for a reflection while I'm trying so hard not to laugh!! http://twitvid.com/723B1
  
• 15:04:34: IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
  
• 22:03:11: Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  

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From Twitter 03-18-2010

• 07:45:25: Thank God for caffeine!!!!!
  
• 08:04:04: I'm not a complete idiot! Some parts are missing...
  
• 12:29:09: Right after this, @BayleeDutchess started doing dirty dirty things to @LittleNalaKitty!! My cat is a lesbian!!! http://twitpic.com/19dnf6
  
• 12:36:25: I luvz me some cuddle time with @LittleNalaKitty!! <3 http://twitpic.com/19dotr http://twitpic.com/19dotl http://twitpic.com/19dotq
  
• 15:03:06: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  
• 22:03:10: Jesus might love you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
  

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From Twitter 03-17-2010

• 01:16:18: Yaaay for $2 burger and fries at @FlamingoVegas!! (Too bad the iced tea alone comes to $4.00 after tax!!!) (@ The Burger Joint)
  
• 04:14:22: Ouch!!! Devistating Craps night. I should've left yesterday. Now I have to be up in 2 hours so I can make it home in time for work... :-(
  
• 08:02:22: Love this place!!! (@ Peppermill Restaurant w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/9Wo5pM
  
• 08:02:31: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
  
• 10:28:20: Apparently it's world famous, according to the hand-painted billboard! Hehehe (@ Rosie's Den) http://4sq.com/dlWmZ3
  
• 10:52:09: Penn&Teller meet & greet! Way cool! @pennjillette @mrteller http://twitpic.com/195yd8 http://twitpic.com/195ydd http://twitpic.com/195ydf
  
• 14:21:11: Home sweet home!! Now a power nap before work... :-/ (@ Parisi's Pussy Palace w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/9828YW
  
• 15:03:13: I poured Spot Remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
  
• 18:02:47: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:03:00: I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  
• 22:50:43: She did this all on her own!! It's a wonder @LittleNalaKitty didn't end up in Vegas with me!! LOL http://twitpic.com/19a0yq
  

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From Twitter 03-16-2010

• 00:04:29: Holy shit!! $100.00 minimum on Craps! I guess I woooooon't be playing here!! (@ Caesars Palace Hotel and Casino) http://4sq.com/1wrifO
  
• 03:21:38: I just unlocked the "Don't Stop Believin'" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/csQflu
  
• 08:03:11: Friends may come and go, but enemies tend to accumulate.
  
• 08:20:43: Drunk in Vegas at 8AM. I love this freakin' city!!!
  
• 09:20:12: I just unlocked the "Super Mayor" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/cljCWo
  
• 09:23:48: 9:22AM. Sooooo drunk. Looooove Vegas. 1 extra night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  
• 15:04:12: Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  
• 18:15:15: ROFL!!! RT @PhoenixCub It's 8AM, we're walking back to our hotel and @MichaelParisi is a hot drunken mess. http://twitgoo.com/krmsw
  
• 18:18:40: YAAAY!! RT @PhoenixCub thx 2 a 3hr hot streak on the craps table at @ImperialPalace & @MichaelParisi's drunkenness,we're staying 1more night
  
• 20:52:59: Yaaaaay for AWESOME Penn & Teller seats with @phoenixcub!! @pennjillette @mrteller (@ Rio Hotel & Casino w/ @phoenixcub)
  
• 22:02:06: I tried snorting Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  

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From Twitter 03-15-2010

• 00:13:36: Not a crappy Craps night at @HarrahsLaughlin!! I turned $100 into $170.00!! Not bad for my first real time out!!! http://twitpic.com/18pkwo
  
• 02:03:23: I'm at Bally's w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/4tpU42
  
• 05:12:18: Day 1: *LITERALLY* broke 100% even!! Sheesh!! That's a win to me!! LOL
  
• 05:41:47: I just became the mayor of Bally's North Tower on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/bEuTU3
  
• 08:06:07: Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  
• 15:02:18: B4 u criticize some1, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when u criticize them, ur a mile away & u have their shoes.
  
• 19:02:54: The Craps Crew at @HarrahsLaughlin named @PhoenixCub & I "Me" & "Me Too" cause of our identical bets...AND introduced us that way!! WIN!!
  
• 20:06:15: Yummy perfection!! (@ Carnival World Buffet - Rio w/ 3 others) http://4sq.com/6vJ8lU
  
• 22:09:04: If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
  
• 22:21:15: No justice, man!!!
  
• 22:23:28: I'm at Free Harrah's Shuttle. http://4sq.com/bEfIDI
  
• 22:38:28: Won't lie... Super bitter right now!!
  

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From Twitter 03-14-2010

• 02:16:10: ROFL!!! RT @foubouphx Fat people are hard to kidnap.
  
• 08:01:15: A day without sunshine is like...well...night!
  
• 09:47:44: Did anyone else's Arizona iPhone (or other AT&T mobile phone) skip ahead an hour for DST last night when it shouldn't have?!?!
  
• 10:08:45: ROFL!!! RT @robhuebel It seems like women's bobsledding teams should invest some money in cameltoe prevention.
  
• 15:03:22: Always remember: You are unique, just like everyone else!
  
• 16:36:00: Schweet!!! ABBA weekend on XM channel 7! Life is good!!! http://twitpic.com/18nahj
  
• 17:53:46: Stuck at the damn dam... Damn!!
  
• 18:26:17: I feel dirty just having been here for that!!
  
• 19:05:24: Rerouting to take a detour to Vegas via Laughlin to avoid completing our 4 hour wait at Hoover Dam!! :-(
  
• 22:03:05: Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
  

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From Twitter 03-13-2010

• 00:13:00: Ok @flamingovegas, u were my preferred hotel but u never replied to my tweets. Now ur sold out of my room type & I had 2 book @ Bally's! :-(
  
• 08:01:16: A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  
• 15:02:03: A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  
• 18:01:27: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:01:16: Headline: "Energizer Bunny Arrested, Charged with Battery"
  

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From Twitter 03-12-2010

• 08:01:20: A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• 15:05:10: Unpublished Children's Books: "Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear"
  
• 22:01:11: Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted!
  

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From Twitter 03-11-2010

• 08:03:07: A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  
• 13:37:50: I just became the mayor of Parisi's Pussy Palace on @foursquare!
  
• 15:01:14: Unpublished Children's Books: "Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
  
• 17:47:35: Newly Platinum in @Total_Rewards w/ room comps next week. Where to stay?! Entice me, @RioVegas @flamingovegas @BallysVegas @ImperialPalace!!
  
• 18:53:23: Love the name!!! Hahaha (@ No Regrets Tattoo Parlor)
  
• 19:03:28: About to find out what the Internet is for at Avenue Q!!! :-) (@ ASU Gammage w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/wTRgE
  
• 22:02:09: Borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect it back.
  

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From Twitter 03-10-2010

• 00:57:18: My comp choices in Vegas: Rio Deluxe Studio, Flamingo Deluxe (Not "GO"), Bally's South Tower Classic, or Imperial Palace Deluxe. Thoughts??
  
• 01:13:46: OMG I saw this on Comedy Central's tosh.0. This can't be real!! http://bit.ly/9kePBA
  
• 01:47:00: Another gem from tosh.0: How to say "Twelve Months" in Estonian. Sound it out! http://bit.ly/92Kz34
  
• 04:01:21: I made it to Round 46 with a score of 57750 in Arcade Solitaire : TriTowers (Arcade Mode) http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 04:01:31: I unlocked "Elite Player" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 04:01:31: I unlocked "Elite Player II" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 04:55:49: Newly Platinum in @Total_Rewards w/ room comps next week. Where to stay?! Entice me, @RioVegas @flamingovegas @BallysVegas @ImperialPalace!!
  
• 08:06:23: I considered atheism, but there weren’t enough holidays.
  
• 15:02:10: Unpublished Children's Books: "Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
  
• 15:12:30: Off early! Thanks, Betsy!! ;-)
  
• 17:27:34: "Alice in Wonderland" in IMAX 3D!! (@ AMC Westgate 20 Theatres w/ @phoenixcub)
  
• 17:30:22: I'm at The Cup Gate. http://4sq.com/aAwJee
  
• 22:31:41: Hehehehe (@ Parisi's Pussy Palace) http://4sq.com/9828YW
  

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From Twitter 03-09-2010

• 03:34:47: Holy cow! I can go to Dubai this weekend with 2 nights at the Atlantis Resort for just over $2,000 USD. Should I do it?!?!
  
• 05:48:00: I unlocked "Pro Player" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 06:22:19: I unlocked "Pro Player II" in "TriTowers"! http://api.openfeint.com/notification?user_id=136745264&client_application_id=12863
  
• 06:46:48: I unlocked "Pro Card Shark" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 08:01:09: I have a perfect body. It’s your vision that’s defective…
  
• 15:03:06: Unpublished Children's Books: "Some Kittens Can Fly"
  
• 22:02:04: I went to a meeting for premature ejaculators, but I left early.
  
• 23:31:00: I made it to Round 8 with a score of 8390 in Arcade Solitaire : TriTowers (Arcade Mode) http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 23:31:10: I unlocked "Pro Card Shark II" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  

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From Twitter 03-08-2010

• 02:50:45: Sitting next to strippers talking about the evening's lap dances! Save me!!!! (@ Denny's) http://4sq.com/9dZ0U2
  
• 05:21:24: I made it to Round 28 with a score of 32045 in Arcade Solitaire : TriTowers (Arcade Mode) http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 08:02:12: My house is now guest free. Now I have to go rub my nuts on all the furniture to reclaim my territory!
  
• 15:03:11: Unpublished Children's Books: "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
  
• 22:01:12: Has anyone actually seen the end of a porno??
  
• 22:09:54: Very nice customer service here tonight!! :-) (@ Whataburger) http://4sq.com/81kbRj
  

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From Twitter 03-07-2010

• 00:14:04: Let's play Words With Friends on the iPhone! My username is 'MichaelParisi'. http://bit.ly/2qbpQ
  
• 00:15:38: I unlocked "Intermediate" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 00:42:07: Let's play Chess With Friends on the iPhone! My username is 'MichaelParisi'. http://bit.ly/7xpPA
  
• 02:36:30: I unlocked "Full of life" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 02:42:31: I unlocked "Intermediate II" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 08:01:09: I want to get married a third time just to be able to say I had a midwife.
  
• 13:46:43: I unlocked "Card Shark" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 15:02:05: If quizes are quizzical, what does that make tests?
  
• 22:02:07: Q: What do you call a Mexican with a vasectomy?
  A: A dry Martinez.
  

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From Twitter 03-06-2010

• 02:43:47: NOT a good day today! For starters, I need a better alarm clock. Hopefully a tall Swedish man named Sven who stays on his half of the bed!!
  
• 04:00:48: I unlocked "Card Player II" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 04:10:27: I unlocked "Combo Ace" in "TriTowers"! http://bit.ly/bS84Cs
  
• 04:14:14: Let's play Words With Friends on the iPhone! My username is 'MichaelParisi'. http://bit.ly/2qbpQ
  
• 08:01:13: If I've learned anything from my business class, it's never let fat chicks hold the 'free car wash' sign!
  
• 15:03:14: My friend told me she has crabs, so I bought her some fishnet stockings.
  
• 22:02:06: Q: What do women & KFC have in common?
  A: When ur done w/the breasts & thighs, ur left w/a greasy box 2 put ur bone in!
  

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From Twitter 03-05-2010

• 08:15:53: Ad: Special boys night performance of @FuerzaBrutaNYC this Saturday at 10pm. Don't miss out!! http://spn.tw/5kJF
  
• 21:20:35: Anyone up for a trip to @Harrahs_AkChin??
  
• 21:45:14: I'm starting to really hate days off....
  
• 22:13:47: I'm at Sonic (Avondale). http://4sq.com/9Godcr
  

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From Twitter 03-04-2010

• 08:11:16: I had amnesia once... Well, maybe twice...
  
• 15:02:14: All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy!!
  
• 22:01:08: I'm one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
  

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From Twitter 03-03-2010

• 08:05:04: A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.
  
• 12:01:39: Why have all my Google Contacts disappeared from my iPhone?!?! Is there a bug or known issue right now??
  
• 15:01:08: Photons have mass?! I didn't even know they were Catholic!!
  
• 18:03:06: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:02:10: Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.
  

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From Twitter 03-02-2010

• 08:03:06: I used to be a lifeguard, but some blue kid got me fired!
  
• 15:01:07: Originality is the art of concealing your sources!
  
• 22:02:06: Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants!!
  
• 23:06:09: So much for my big fun night!! (@ McDonalds) http://4sq.com/4JAvFT
  

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From Twitter 03-01-2010

• 06:19:18: I just became the mayor of Jack in the Box on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9hfRcI
  
• 08:08:09: The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese!!
  
• 15:03:25: Bacteria is the only culture some people have!
  
• 21:49:25: Hottie Chipotle guy is growing a beard!! YUUUUUMMY!!!! :-D (@ Chipotle - Goodyear) http://4sq.com/bFozSM
  
• 22:03:10: I don't want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
  

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From Twitter 02-28-2010

• 08:01:14: I've been trying to learn French for 6 months, and as soon as I gave up, they said I passed!
  
• 15:02:11: Police are looking for a man who threatens his victims with a lit match. They want catch him before he strikes again.
  
• 17:48:36: My hero this week: @AndyJawbreaker
  
• 17:54:22: Lesson learned this week: Oh, Carnival World Buffet, I will never be unfaithful to you again!! @RioVegas
  
• 18:09:39: Tickets for "Mary Poppins"!!! :-) (@ ASU Gammage w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/wTRgE
  
• 22:04:05: Q: What do a Rubik's Cube and a penis have in common?
  A: The longer you play with them, the harder they get!
  

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