Q: What's the difference between a Jew and a Boy Scout? A: The Boy Scout gets to come home after camp.

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Just got Punk'd by a group of strangers. Nice! :-)

When your past calls, never answer. It has nothing new to say.

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

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I hear LMFAO is breaking up. They're now just LOL.

I can't wait for the Pope to die so I can start reusing my Michael Jackson jokes.

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I punched some guy's lights out the other day. Wasn't a smart thing to do though... I cut my hand on one of his bulbs!

I don't know who did it, but whoever signed up for Hulu Plus with my referral link: THANK YOU! :-D

Q: Why did God create seamen? A: So you'd have something to clean off your poop deck!

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First 'long' opening sequence of the season and that little bitch Colton doesn't get to be on it! LOVE IT! #Survivor

I'm a huge fan of underground music: Amy Winehouse, Michael Jackson, Whitney Houston...

I'm not fat...I just really need to take a shit.

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Do Muslims write OMA instead of OMG?

There's also some girl here in lingerie and bejeweled fishnets. Is she going to work after this?!

Why is this woman letting her nasty-ass child touch me?!?!

Never die a virgin. They'll make you fuck a suicide bomber!!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

My bucket list: 1) Achieve immortality.

And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

** LOWER PRICE ** Rent [Orig B-way Cast Recording] by Original Cast (CD, Aug-1996, 2 discs) http://r.ebay.com/jDHePX

Double Live by Garth Brooks (CD, Nov-1998, 2 Discs, Capitol/EMI Records) http://r.ebay.com/kXSAv3

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Don't miss out! Rocky Horror Picture Show (Blu-ray Disc, 2010, 35th Anniversary; With Book) http://r.ebay.com/IJcHwB

Supposedly I was created in God's image. I don't know...you'd think God would have a bigger dick than this!

And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

So Dick Chaney got a new heart...not to be confused with compassion!

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I got diagnosed with schizophrenia today. I'm finally gonna have that orgy I've always wanted!!

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The ugliest member of my family is my mute aunt.

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$0.49 - Firewall (DVD, Widescreen) ** BRAND NEW ** LOWER PRICE ** http://r.ebay.com/Jz7l9z

$0.49 - A Guy Thing (DVD, 2003, Widescreen & Fullscreen) ** BRAND NEW LOWER PRICE ** http://r.ebay.com/gzyvFa

$0.49 - Duck Season (DVD, 2006) ** BRAND NEW ** UNOPENED ** http://r.ebay.com/tBU9fA

$0.49 - Must Love Dogs (DVD, 2005, Widescreen) ** BRAND NEW LOWER PRICE ** http://r.ebay.com/YOVYwH

Q: What's the difference between politicians and prostitutes? A: You have to pay prostitutes to screw you!

Make an offer: LAS VEGAS Chateau Nightclub & Gardens Admission - No Line - No Cover Charge http://r.ebay.com/Ad2V32

$0.49 - American Wedding (DVD, 2004, Widescreen) ** BRAND NEW LOWER PRICE ** http://r.ebay.com/Ig03yu

Q: What's a Mexican's favorite bookstore? A: Borders

Racist joke coming in 10 minutes. You've been warned!

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$0.79 - Transamerica (Widescreen DVD, 2006) ** NEW LOWER PRICE ** http://r.ebay.com/osaZWP

$0.49 - Best Men (DVD, 2002) Fullscreen & Widescreen Options ** BRAND NEW LOWER PRICE ** http://r.ebay.com/gIU0V5

$1.49 - Chicago (DVD 2003) ** BRAND NEW ** UNOPENED ** http://r.ebay.com/ozZBWc

$5.49 - The Lion King (DVD, 2003, 2Disc Set, Platinum Edition; Features an All-New Song) http://r.ebay.com/NG7J0Y

Q: What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called? A: The man.

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

The economy gives us lemons; the Russians give us vodka. All is well...

Rock-bottom prices on my eBay listings: Movies, appliances, club tickets! Some ending in less than 24 hours! http://mikeyp.us/eBay

Q: Why is Popeye's dick so soft and smooth? A: He keeps it in Olive Oyl.

There's no counting allowed in Afghanistan. There's been a tally-ban!

There's no counting allowed in Afghanistan. There's been a tally-ban!

On a scale of Charlie Sheen to Whitney Houston, how well do you handle your drugs?

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

I didn't text you just to exercise my fingers. I was expecting a reply back!

Give a man a fish, you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

Q: What's a Jew's ultimate dilemma? A: Free pork.

ALCOHOL: Because no good story starts with "that one time I ate a salad!"

St. Patrick's Day Info Line: 973-409-3340 (by Humor Hotlines)

I hate the way lesbians look at me! I can just see them dressing me with their eyes...

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

An Indian man walks into a wardrobe...and comes out in Naania.

LAST CHANCE!! Most of my eBay auctions end in LESS THAN 1 HOUR! Go to http://mikeyp.us/eBay and bid like crazy! PLS RT!

Prices lowered on my eBay auctions ending in LESS THAN 2 HOURS! Go to http://mikeyp.us/eBay and bid like crazy! PLS RT!

Prices lowered on my eBay auctions ending in LESS THAN 6 HOURS! Go to http://mikeyp.us/eBay and bid like crazy! PLS RT!

It turns out that American Idol posted a phone number to vote for Jermaine Jones after all! It's 911.

Prices lowered on my eBay auctions ending in LESS THAN 12 HOURS! Go to http://mikeyp.us/eBay and bid like crazy! PLS RT!

Prices lowered on my eBay auctions ending in LESS THAN 24 HOURS! Go to http://mikeyp.us/eBay and bid like crazy! PLS RT!

Today is Steak & BJ Day. I think I'll go for the BJ first...hopefully the steak will take the taste away.

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ONLY 4 HOURS LEFT! 18+ONLY Bear Films Adult DVD (PRIVATE AUCTION) http://r.ebay.com/LuBxOZ All my auctions are at http://mikeyp.us/eBay

ONLY 3 1/2 HOURS LEFT! Portable Barbecue BBQ Grill - BRAND NEW http://r.ebay.com/4wVSP1 All my auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay

LESS THAN 4 HRS LEFT! Panini Sandwich Maker Non-Stick Surface BRAND NEW http://r.ebay.com/L3fpHp All my auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay

ONLY 2 HOURS LEFT! Disney's Mary Poppins Broadway Keychain ** BRAND NEW ** http://r.ebay.com/pcmhcb All my auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay

ONLY 2 1/2 HOURS LEFT! Sahara Vegas Hotel Room Key Elvis & Ann-Margaret RARE http://r.ebay.com/t6Uhql All my auctions http://mikeyp.us/eBay

STEAK & BJ DAY info line: 631-403-2044 (by Humor Hotlines)

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I don't know how people get eaten by sharks! How do they not hear the music?!?!

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ONLY 20 HOURS LEFT!!! ADULTS ONLY Bear Films DVD (ANONYMOUS AUCTION) http://r.ebay.com/LuBxOZ PLS RT

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As I rubbed my blonde date's thigh, I said, "Is that ur bed I hear calling?" He said, "I doubt it. My phone's on silent."

Veronica Mars - Complete First 1st Season - 6-Disc Set * BRAND NEW * UNOPENED * http://r.ebay.com/naKGTT

I was going to do something today, but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday yet...

I used to make fun of ppl who did this before, but it's really kinda awesome! Try Hulu Plus at http://www.hulu.com/r/cjvoSg

I used to make fun of ppl who did this before, but it's really kinda awesome! Try Hulu Plus at http://www.hulu.com/r/cjvo

I'm the kind of guy who always calls a spade a spade, which is probably why I got fired...

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

LOWER PRICE - Portable Barbecue BBQ Grill - BRAND NEW http://r.ebay.com/4wVSP1 - All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

LOWER PRICE - Panini Sandwich Maker (Red) Non-Stick Surface BRAND NEW http://r.ebay.com/L3fpHp - All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay

ADULTS ONLY: NEW LOWER PRICE - Bear Films DVD http://r.ebay.com/LuBxOZ - All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay

LOWER PRICE - Sahara Las Vegas Hotel Room Key Elvis & Ann-Margaret RARE http://r.ebay.com/t6Uhql All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay

LOWER PRICE - Disney's Mary Poppins Broadway Keychain BRAND NEW http://r.ebay.com/pcmhcb All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

If frogs park illegally, do they get toad?

I'm now selling landmines that look like Muslim prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof!!

Arguing civil rights with a Christian is like playing chess with a pigeon. They'll just never understand!

"Schrödinger's Cat: The Movie" No animals were harmed in the making of this film...possibly.

What is it about waking up that babies find so fucking traumatic?!

I hired an epileptic to be my sous chef at my restaurant. He makes a great Seizure Salad!!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

I saw a butterfly on the floor with no wings. So I poured some redbull on it and BAM! It drowned.

I'm trying to get my boyfriend into bukkake, just so he'll let me see more of my friends.

Tired of people talking about their iPhones? There's a nap for that.

Brand New Auction: Portable Barbecue BBQ Grill - FINELIFE PRODUCTS - BRAND NEW http://r.ebay.com/4wVSP1

Brand New Auction: Panini Sandwich Maker (Red) * Non-Stick Surface * COOKINEX ED-280 http://r.ebay.com/L3fpHp

Newly Relisted: Sahara Las Vegas Hotel Room Key - Elvis & Ann-Margaret RARE http://r.ebay.com/t6Uhql

Newly Relisted: Disney's Mary Poppins Broadway Keychain ** BRAND NEW ** http://r.ebay.com/pcmhcb

I lowered the prices on my relisted eBay auctions. Please take a look: http://mikeyp.us/eBay

I was way too drunk to drive home last night. So I drove to another bar instead!

The 'wrong hole' is so subjective...

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

I was way too drunk to drive home last night. So I drove to another bar instead!

Meryl Streep's new movie is missing a few letters: "ING"!

Tuesday is just a terrible remix of Monday.

My boyfriend was shocked when he found out that I switched his vibrator with a taser.

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

Somewhere a neurotic chicken wants to cross the road but is paralyzed knowing that everyone will question his motives...

I got kicked out of Borders once for moving all the Bibles to the fiction section.

Chicago (DVD 2003) ** BRAND NEW ** UNOPENED ** http://r.ebay.com/45qWDK All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT

The Dukes of Hazzard (Unrated DVD) *LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/pdNjAi All my auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT

Best Men (DVD, 2002) Full & Wide **LOWER PRICE** http://r.ebay.com/dTHT7T My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

American Wedding (DVD 2004 Widescreen) *LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/oMB8EU My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT

The Lion King DVD 2003 2Disc Platinum Edition w/New Song http://r.ebay.com/wLNaWr My auctions http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT

The Christian logic of prayer: If it comes true, praise the Lord! If it doesn't, God works in mysterious ways...

My uncle became a hippie because he believed in free love. I got beat up by a pimp for the same reason!

Veronica Mars Complete 1st Season 6Disc Set UNOPENED http://r.ebay.com/pLmFSF My auctions http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT

A Guy Thing (DVD, 2003, Wide & Full) *LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/7Dvrgs My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

Firewall (DVD, Widescreen) *NEW*LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/aV8gtw All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

Duck Season (DVD, 2006) ** BRAND NEW ** UNOPENED ** http://r.ebay.com/uPY661 My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

Wedding Crashers (DVD, Widescreen Unrated) http://r.ebay.com/3y2kqp All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

My HIV test results came back, and they're positive. I'm negative!

Personals Ad: "Premature ejaculator seeks young fit man for NSA. Must have a tight ass and...aww fuck it... Nevermind."

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

I'm reading a book on Muslim psychology. It's mind blowing!!

Happy Feet (DVD, 2007, Widescreen) *LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/ySys9t My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

All You Need Is Love (Starbucks CD, 2009) *BRAND NEW* http://r.ebay.com/HUpW4k My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT

Must Love Dogs (DVD, 2005, Widescreen) *LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/swVBNR My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT

Transamerica (Widescreen DVD, 2006) *LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/tioR0w My auctions: http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

Shrek 2 (DVD, 2004, Widescreen) *LOWER PRICE* http://r.ebay.com/26kwYS All my auctions at http://mikeyp.us/eBay PLS RT!

I'm reading a book on Muslim psychology. It's mind blowing!!

Q: What's the difference between bruised potato & my boyfriend? A: One's a battered vegetable & the other is a potato.

When a girl is in love, she offers sex. When a guy wants sex, he offers love.

If dolphins were as smart as people say, they'd stop hanging around with tuna fish!!