CBS TV Reporter Destroys Her Equipment LIVE on Air!

Emmy Award-Winning CBS TV Journalist Wrecks Her Equipment LIVE on Air!

http://youtu.be/h-hAHoYneN8

#Blooper

Did you hear the one about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom! I miss you.

¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

When Jesus is born, I get presents. When Jesus dies, I get chocolate. I love Jesus!

Happy Easter! (But seriously, the rock was moved when they got there! Ever realize his body was just STOLEN?!) #duh

Vodka is Photoshop for real life.

Any pairs of guys who want to cum simultaneously really need to pull themselves together!

When my boyfriend dies, I'm donating his body to science fiction.

When my friend told me he had a time machine, I was taken aback!

Every woman is a feminist until the first swing...then it's all like "you can't hit a girl!"

A man jumped to his death from the top of our building last night. It took real skill to land perfectly within the chalk lines!

I finally had a happy meal at McDonald's. My boyfriend wasn't there.

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

I'm pretty sure god created Steve too!

I found a gray pubic hair today, but I wasn't bothered by it as much as the guy who was in the elevator with me.

I'm pretty sure FCUK was founded by a dyslexic person with Tourette's!

My friend thinks that busking is wrong, but I beg to differ.

I know my boyfriend's face like the back of my hand.

My last bf had a tattoo of a chameleon. At least that's what he said... I could never find it!

My boyfriend is very spiritual...now that I've killed him.

"What do we want?" "COMPROMISE!!" "When do we want it?" "What time is good for you?"

I never realized how easy it was for crazy, sex-starved perverts to set up hidden cameras in a locker room until I tried it!

Wind turbines: I'm a big fan.

"I'm a chemist working primarily with CH₃CH₂OH, C₂H₅OH, and C₂H₆O" sounds much better than "I'm a raging alcoholic"!

I'm not so much the "World's Best Boss" as I am "The Guy that Beat Someone Up and Stole Their Mug".

That's it! I'm giving up Lent for alcohol.

How's it going, Catholics?! Anything Lent-related to add to your guilt list yet?

I'm the kind of guy who goes to an airport acting really suspicious so I can get a free cavity search.

I tried to play a porn DVD...but it was just a blurry image of a guy holding his massive cock! Then I realized I forgot to turn on the TV.

Q: What's the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? A: Most men wouldn't pay $200 to have a lentil on his face.

I asked my therapist what I should do with my life. LOL Just kidding! Vodka bottles can't answer questions!

I have a criminal record. It's the first rap album I ever bought!

I vividly recall my grandpa and I digging a hole in the backyard and filling it with water. Yes, I remember that well.

This year for Lent, I'm giving up my New Year's Resolution.

I'm going to give up procrastination for next year's Lent.

I'm giving up the past tense for Lend.

I never realized I lived near so many religious chimney sweeps!

BREAKING NEWS: France has preemptively surrendered to Russia.

HAPPY MARDI GRAS!! Although it's hard to celebrate Mardi Gras when I'm 'gras' every day...

Karma isn't nearly the bitch that hindsight can be.

It's not premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

Atheism is a religion in the same way that "Off" is a TV channel.

It's kinda weird when my dad kisses his grandkids goodnight. Mostly because they're still in my testicles.

I just invented a new word!! "Plagiarism"

Have you heard the one about the baby with SIDS? It never gets old!

I don't know why the media was surprised by the poor living conditions in Sochi! You ban gays and interior design is going to suffer!

Note: The 10-Second Rule does NOT apply to soup!

Jokes that don't make sense are just microwave.

I wonder if any dolphins have "swim with humans" on their bucket list.

My friend who works at the postal service told everyone a joke at the bar last night. But no one got it.

I was really happy when my friend told me she was a professional Singer! I have tons of things that need sewing!

My friend got a job as a human cannonball. When he got fired, he went ballistic!

Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

I was so ugly as a baby that when my mom breastfed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

I just heard they're making a prequel to "Die Hard". It's called "Old Habits".

Q: What do you call a book club that has been on the same book for thousands of years? A: The church.

According to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution!

I drank enough last night to kill a small horse, but I decided not to.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you!"

If you're thinking of giving your boyfriend art supplies for Valentine's Day, remember that he's really prefer a felt tip.

This is the first Valentine's Day I've been single in years! I'm kind of excited. I just hope my bf feels the same way when he finds out.

I think it's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved today, February 13th, than any other day of the year!

I found my true love in Venice. I hacked the Witness Protection Program.

I went to a hemorrhoids lecture It was standing room only!

I called 911 to report that my pants were on fire, but they didn't believe me.

I tried to mug a guy with a prosthetic leg, but he got away. I really should've used a more practical weapon!

I've gained 8 pounds by telling people I'm going to feed some ducks then just eating a loaf of bread in my car.

My proctologist seemed a little uneasy when I slid my finger in alongside his.

Jokes about cliques aren't for everybody.

There's no need to scream god's name during sex. He's already watching.

It's funny how religious people refuse to believe in evolution because there's "no proof". Since when did they start needing proof?!

It's weird how corn maintains its original shape after you poo. It's a shame it tastes totally different though...

It's official. I'm homeless! There's a huge spider on my front door.

I'm entering the Olympic masturbation competition this year. I hear there's some very stiff competition.

Seems like the last great run made by a Bronco was when OJ Simpson was in one!

I really wish these were the Summer Olympics instead! I hear there's a female weightlifter with an amazing snatch!!

Anyone get the feeling that the Winter Olympics are only around so that white people have a chance to win medals too?

I tried to upload a recording of the Super Bowl onto Xtube, but was informed they don't allow rape videos.

Every novel is a mystery if you don't finish it.

I wouldn't know domestic violence if it slapped me in the face.

Garbage bag commercials sure overestimate the amount of spaghetti people throw away!

I wanted to play an ironic practical joke on my friend, so I tea-bagged his coffee.

I once invented a belt made out of watches. It was a waist of time.

The church is in trouble again over child molestation allegations. They should never let a boy to do a man's knob!

Praying for your team won't help Contrary to popular belief, god wouldn't give a fuck about football even if he was real!

Apparently you're seen as "weird" or "creepy" if you go to the movies alone, so I brought my cat.

My boyfriend said he was breaking up with me because of my obsession with rhyming. I nearly choked on my tea; what terrible timing!

Condoms are sold in 3 sizes: Small, Medium, and Liar

The third rule of Fight Club is to have fun and try your best.

My BF accused me of having no imagination, so I punched him so hard in the face that it looked like someone had punched him in the face.

I went to an Army Surplus store to buy a grenade with my debit card. It all went horribly wrong when the cashier asked for my PIN.

I don't think I could ever stab someone... I can barely get the straw in the Capri Sun!

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe Pageant always from Earth?!

The way to a man's heart is through is stomach. Unless he's a vegetarian...then it's through his vagina.

Blunt knives are pointless.

My so-called "friend" just called me a snob! Needless to say, I had the butler show him the door!

My friend asked me, "If you were stuck on an island w/ 1 record, what would it be?" I said, "The long-distance swimming one would be good!"

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick...especially since his name is Mohammed.

Religion is like pink slime. Once you know what it is, smart people stay away!

Oh no! This new iPhone looks the same as the old one! How will people know I'm better than them?!

I don't even know why we bother with smartphones! They spend so much time charging, we might as well call them landlines!

Tomorrow I'm finally opening the time capsule I made when I was a kid! I can't wait to see how big my puppy is!

Sliced Bread: The best thing since ripped-up bread!

A mosquito just landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life!

My boyfriend keeps complaining about his nine to five job. I must admit, 4:51 is a strange time to start work.

My dad never loved me as a child. I can't blame him really. I wasn't born until he was an adult!

Why do dogs like sticking their head out of car windows but then get mad at you if you blow in their face?!

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Is it just me, or does the Alphabet Song and "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star" have the same tune?

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

I've never seen a church with free Wi-Fi. I guess it's because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works!

If the Professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?!

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON television?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to??

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

So what if Jesus turned water into wine... I once turned a whole student loan into vodka! Your move, Jesus.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

A naked man jumped out at me in the park last night and I nearly had a stroke! But my arm was too short to reach.

Can someone cry underwater?

Q: Why was six afraid of seven? A: It wasn't. Numbers are insentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water, I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch!

I'm so sick of overused internet acronyms, especially when they're used inappropriately lol

I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody's gonna to be wrong.

If Milli Vanilli fell in the woods, would someone else make a sound?

Apparently the Stroke Hotline isn't what I thought it was...

My boyfriend left me for being vain and self-centered. Oh well, his loss!

I arranged a threesome last night... There were a couple of no-shows but I still had a good time!

If you ever need anything, and I mean *anything*, please don't hesitate to ask someone else first.

I miss the good old days when if someone talked to you about god, you could just nail the asshole to a piece of wood.

Look, nobody knows where all this shit comes from, but I'll side w/the scientists who don't make me apologize for being human every Sunday.

I wonder if other birds look at pigeons in the same way that we look at homeless crackheads.

Life's too short to waste time hating people, so you need to learn to be really efficient at it.

It's not kidnapping. It's surprise adoption.

When life gives Lady Gaga lemons, she makes an outfit.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

2014 is gonna be tough! It was easier to change a 2 to a 3 than it will be to change a 3 to a 4!

New Year's Resolution: Date more models. Revised: Date more. Revised: Get a date. Revised: Stop crying while masturbating.

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up for the gym in January!

I want to open a business called Resolutions. It's a gym for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50!

This has to be the best day of the year so far!

My New Year's resolutions are: 1. Stop making lists. C. Be more consistent. 7. Learn to count.

Brits are so stupid! Did you know they celebrated New Year's yesterday at 5pm?! That's so weird!