I'm not an alcoholic. I just like having an attractive boyfriend.

The word stifle is an anagram of itself.

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan, and I'll show you a man who's trying to fuck a vegan.

The quickest way to call a family meeting is to turn off the WiFi router and just wait in the room where it's located.

Q: What's the difference between a young boy and a catholic priest? A: One's a choir boy, the other acquires boys.

Gods don't kill people. People with gods kill people.

Q: What do you if you come across someone you know on the bus? A: Wipe if off and apologize.

I spilled my bottle of Ritalin in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a Ford Focus.

Sex is for people who can't afford an Xbox Live Gold Membership!

In light of today's #SCOTUS ruling, I've decided it's time to give up on online dating. My boyfriend's idea.

To new iPad owners: When you masturbate over your new device, make sure to put some porn on the screen to avoid embarrassment.

I've just been diagnosed with hypochondria. I KNEW something was wrong with me!!

The longest I've ever had sex is 1 hour and 2 minutes. Thank goodness for Daylight Savings Time!

Hello, and welcome to Fight Club. How did you hear about us?

Q: What should you do if your lover starts smoking? A: Slow down and use more lube.

If scientists invented a pill to make us immortal, I'd probably end up choking on it.

In all fairness, there are advantages to living in a redneck family. For example, only 1 person needs to get tested at the STD clinic.

Bagpipes sound exactly the same when you're done learning how to play as when you started.

Fathers' Day is twice as expensive when you've been adopted by a gay couple!

Fathers' Day has become too commercialized. We've all forgotten the true meaning: Walking from room to room turning off lights.

The guy I brought home told me he finds condoms a real turn-off. I really should clean my bedroom!

One of the best benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who the fuck ate my kale?"

The best sex is when my boyfriend gets drunk. He passes out, then I go to his brother's house!

Kids today don't know how easy they have it! When I was a kid I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels!

New parents: Always remember that pen caps choke kids! (Another good ones is marbles.)

My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can't see where I'm driving!

Never be ashamed of who you are! That's your parents' job...

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic!

Welcome to Social Anxiety class. Please have a seat and make yourselves uncomfortable.

BREAKING NEWS: Eating at McDonald's has health benefits! It prevents you from dying of old age.

Diet Coke: It's how supermodels stay thin. Sorry, that should be "diet, coke".

Say what you want about deaf people... But not blind people -- they can still hear you.

Atheists do it like nobody is watching.

I went to see a lawyer to change my will, but it turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless they have a church.

On the bright side, Selfie Sticks are also lightning rods.

I bought a used time machine next week. They just don't make them like they're going to anymore!

I bought a Russian porn magazine called "Barely Legal". The centerfold is two men holding hands.

Anyone wanna buy a 52" LCD TV for $20? The volume button is missing, but for that price you can't turn it down!

These "foodbanks" are a total rip-off! I deposited some cake last week, and I went to take it out today. They had given it to sum1 else!

The word "efficient" should really be shorter.

I like to have a cigarette after a good meal. Thanks to my boyfriend, I don't smoke.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman. So statistically speaking, it's probably a bird.

Before I started dating, I used to masturbate every week. But now, I have to do it every day!

Attention blondes: USB is not a backup plan in case USA fails.

I've only been dating my bf a few weeks and already the cracks have started to appear. He got a couple last night for answering me back!

"ELEVEN PLUS TWO" is an anagram of "TWELVE PLUS ONE". #mindblown

If muslims hate gays so much, why do they practice shoving their foreheads into a carpet while pushing their asses into the air 5x a day?!

I went through the bible to find the part that made the most sense. It's called, "This page is intentionally left blank."

My boyfriend says that my lying is ruining our relationship. That's not true. I think it's my big dick.

Bruce Jenner seems to be the only Olympian in history to take steroids to NOT deceive!

I tried to think of a really good clitoris joke to tell, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I've just been told to take my head out of my ass! Fuck that! I really want to win this game of Twister!

Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kris, Kylie, and Kendall must be PISSED that Caitlyn doesn't spell it with a "K"!