Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub? A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

Q: What do you call a car full of nuns? A: Virgin Mobile

There are no rules in Constipation Club. Do whatever you want. Tell everyone. Nobody gives a shit.

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise! I shouted "Stop!" but, if anything, that made things worse!

I imagine Pokémon means something entirely different if you're a man in a Jamaican prison.

Why does it take 3-5 business days to refund my money to my card when it only took 3-5 seconds to fucking withdraw it?!

No wonder god hasn't come back to Earth! Last time he was here he got some bitch pregnant and some people won't shut up about it!

I know for a fact Jesus wasn't born in America. There are no wise men or virgins here!

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite opera? A: Magic Flute in A-minor.

Binary 101 is not a beginners' class!

I'm just like a Nintendo game. If you want me to place nice, blow me.

Apparently a large number of U.S. teens suffer from low self-esteem & body image issues. Not all of them though. Just the fat & ugly ones.

Vodka and Red Bull: Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But letters threatening his kids also works.

Female Viagra?! What a joke! There's already a pill to get women ready for sex. It's called Rohypnol.

George R.R. Martin can't use Twitter anymore. He's killed off all 140 characters!

When will Red Lobster bring back Crab-Fest? I'm itching to go!

I wanted to request installing a suggestion box at work, but I had no way of doing it.

Looks like Jared from Subway will be getting 5 dollar footlongs the rest of his life!

All ships can be submarines...once.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of god, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Q: Why must we stay quiet in church? A: Because people are sleeping.

Just had to tell my boyfriend the truth about my Viagra overdose. He took it very hard.

Went on a date with a librarian last night. He cost me a fucking fortune! It's my own fault really...I kept him out way too long!

#NeverForget

I was supposed to be in court today for possession of marijuana. Uhhh....well....I think it was today... Oh well.

Tried out for the lead in a new musical about Cuba. They want me to be the understudy but I turned it down. I refuse to play second Fidel.

I just leased a gay convertible! The top doesn't go down, but my chauffeur does!

My deaf boyfriend just dumped me. It came as a total shock! I should have seen the signs.

Just rented "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Turns out it's not the same version I've seen clips of on Xtube! How disappointing.

I know what the fox says.

As a man of god, I wouldn't ever leave my kids in the care of a homosexual. Luckily my local priest is available to babysit most nights.

"Life's a bitch, then you marry four." - Old Mormon Saying

Q: What's worse than finding a hole in your condom? A: Finding a condom in your hole!

"It takes one to know one." Either you're being insulted or Queen Elizabeth's getting philosophical.

I'm worried about my B.O.! Twice now, men have sprayed me w/cologne before sex. Not sure which brand, but it had a distinct, peppery smell.

I'm getting really sick of cliché American phrases! Don't even use them around me! It's my way or the motorway!!

I never expected that Jenna Jameson keeps kosher...not with all the sausage she's been though!

Stalkers Anonymous -- Follow us on Facebook.

Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a sheep? A: Banned from the petting zoo.

I always thought chiropractors were a waste of money, but I stand corrected.

Are we SURE it was cancer that killed Wes Craven? Or should we avoid sleeping for a while?

71 immigrants were found dead in a delivery truck. Head up, Brits! I hear Tesco's Hungarian burgers will be better than their horse ones!