Michael's Personal Blog

Here you will find Michael's rants and raves about anything and everything. Check back often!

DISCLAIMER: I post stolen, offensive jokes on a daily basis. They're just jokes and not necessarily my personal opinion.  If you can't take it, please don't read them in the first place! You've been warned!

Sunday, September 27, 2015

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub? A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:58 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Q: What do you call a car full of nuns? A: Virgin Mobile

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:49 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Saturday, September 26, 2015

There are no rules in Constipation Club. Do whatever you want. Tell everyone. Nobody gives a shit.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:45 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise! I shouted "Stop!" but, if anything, that made things worse!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:02 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Monday, September 21, 2015

I imagine Pokémon means something entirely different if you're a man in a Jamaican prison.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:52 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Why does it take 3-5 business days to refund my money to my card when it only took 3-5 seconds to fucking withdraw it?!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:58 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Sunday, September 20, 2015

No wonder god hasn't come back to Earth! Last time he was here he got some bitch pregnant and some people won't shut up about it!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:55 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

I know for a fact Jesus wasn't born in America. There are no wise men or virgins here!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:55 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Saturday, September 19, 2015

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite opera? A: Magic Flute in A-minor.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:56 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Binary 101 is not a beginners' class!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:46 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Friday, September 18, 2015

I'm just like a Nintendo game. If you want me to place nice, blow me.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:49 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Apparently a large number of U.S. teens suffer from low self-esteem & body image issues. Not all of them though. Just the fat & ugly ones.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:03 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Thursday, September 17, 2015

Vodka and Red Bull: Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:55 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But letters threatening his kids also works.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:53 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Female Viagra?! What a joke! There's already a pill to get women ready for sex. It's called Rohypnol.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:51 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

George R.R. Martin can't use Twitter anymore. He's killed off all 140 characters!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:55 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

When will Red Lobster bring back Crab-Fest? I'm itching to go!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:50 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

I wanted to request installing a suggestion box at work, but I had no way of doing it.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:01 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Monday, September 14, 2015

Looks like Jared from Subway will be getting 5 dollar footlongs the rest of his life!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:55 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

All ships can be submarines...once.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:06 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Sunday, September 13, 2015

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of god, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:53 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Q: Why must we stay quiet in church? A: Because people are sleeping.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:08 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Just had to tell my boyfriend the truth about my Viagra overdose. He took it very hard.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:51 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Went on a date with a librarian last night. He cost me a fucking fortune! It's my own fault really...I kept him out way too long!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:59 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Friday, September 11, 2015

#NeverForget

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:58 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Thursday, September 10, 2015

I was supposed to be in court today for possession of marijuana. Uhhh....well....I think it was today... Oh well.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 10:08 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Tried out for the lead in a new musical about Cuba. They want me to be the understudy but I turned it down. I refuse to play second Fidel.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:49 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Wednesday, September 09, 2015

I just leased a gay convertible! The top doesn't go down, but my chauffeur does!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:49 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

My deaf boyfriend just dumped me. It came as a total shock! I should have seen the signs.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:57 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Tuesday, September 08, 2015

Just rented "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Turns out it's not the same version I've seen clips of on Xtube! How disappointing.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:54 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

I know what the fox says.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:55 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Sunday, September 06, 2015

As a man of god, I wouldn't ever leave my kids in the care of a homosexual. Luckily my local priest is available to babysit most nights.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:52 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

"Life's a bitch, then you marry four." - Old Mormon Saying

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:29 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Saturday, September 05, 2015

Q: What's worse than finding a hole in your condom? A: Finding a condom in your hole!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:55 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

"It takes one to know one." Either you're being insulted or Queen Elizabeth's getting philosophical.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:45 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Friday, September 04, 2015

I'm worried about my B.O.! Twice now, men have sprayed me w/cologne before sex. Not sure which brand, but it had a distinct, peppery smell.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:47 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

I'm getting really sick of cliché American phrases! Don't even use them around me! It's my way or the motorway!!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:58 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Thursday, September 03, 2015

I never expected that Jenna Jameson keeps kosher...not with all the sausage she's been though!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 10:00 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Stalkers Anonymous -- Follow us on Facebook.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:02 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Wednesday, September 02, 2015

Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a sheep? A: Banned from the petting zoo.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 9:52 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

I always thought chiropractors were a waste of money, but I stand corrected.

Posted by Michael Parisi at 12:13 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

Tuesday, September 01, 2015

Are we SURE it was cancer that killed Wes Craven? Or should we avoid sleeping for a while?

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:40 PM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT

71 immigrants were found dead in a delivery truck. Head up, Brits! I hear Tesco's Hungarian burgers will be better than their horse ones!

Posted by Michael Parisi at 11:58 AM No comments:
Email ThisBlogThis!Share to XShare to FacebookShare to Pinterest
Labels: Automated, IFTTT
Newer Posts Older Posts Home
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)

RealtyPin.com Home Search


Get this widget at RealtyPin.com

RealtyPin.com Mortgage Search

Get this widget at RealtyPin.com

About Me

My photo
Michael Parisi
View my complete profile

Links

  • Daily Food Diary Blog
  • Weight & Measurement Blog
  • Michael's Workout Blog
  • Michael's Photo Blog
  • Michael's Video Blog
  • Michael's Mobile Blog
  • MichaelParisi.net
  • JJ Virgin
  • Site Feed

Blog Archive

  • ▼  2015 (247)
    • ►  December (1)
    • ►  November (2)
    • ►  October (8)
    • ▼  September (43)
      • Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman...
      • Q: What do you call a car full of nuns? A: Virgin ...
      • There are no rules in Constipation Club. Do whatev...
      • The worst thing about living next door to MC Hamme...
      • I imagine Pokémon means something entirely differe...
      • Why does it take 3-5 business days to refund my mo...
      • No wonder god hasn't come back to Earth! Last time...
      • I know for a fact Jesus wasn't born in America. Th...
      • Q: What's a pedophile's favorite opera? A: Magic F...
      • Binary 101 is not a beginners' class!
      • I'm just like a Nintendo game. If you want me to p...
      • Apparently a large number of U.S. teens suffer fro...
      • Vodka and Red Bull: Because you want to be wide aw...
      • An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But letters ...
      • Female Viagra?! What a joke! There's already a pil...
      • George R.R. Martin can't use Twitter anymore. He's...
      • When will Red Lobster bring back Crab-Fest? I'm it...
      • I wanted to request installing a suggestion box at...
      • Looks like Jared from Subway will be getting 5 dol...
      • All ships can be submarines...once.
      • If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of god, d...
      • Q: Why must we stay quiet in church? A: Because pe...
      • Just had to tell my boyfriend the truth about my V...
      • Went on a date with a librarian last night. He cos...
      • #NeverForget
      • I was supposed to be in court today for possession...
      • Tried out for the lead in a new musical about Cuba...
      • I just leased a gay convertible! The top doesn't g...
      • My deaf boyfriend just dumped me. It came as a tot...
      • Just rented "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory...
      • I know what the fox says.
      • As a man of god, I wouldn't ever leave my kids in ...
      • "Life's a bitch, then you marry four." - Old Mormo...
      • Q: What's worse than finding a hole in your condom...
      • "It takes one to know one." Either you're being in...
      • I'm worried about my B.O.! Twice now, men have spr...
      • I'm getting really sick of cliché American phrases...
      • I never expected that Jenna Jameson keeps kosher.....
      • Stalkers Anonymous -- Follow us on Facebook.
      • Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a ...
      • I always thought chiropractors were a waste of mon...
      • Are we SURE it was cancer that killed Wes Craven? ...
      • 71 immigrants were found dead in a delivery truck....
    • ►  June (53)
    • ►  May (63)
    • ►  April (77)
  • ►  2014 (154)
    • ►  December (1)
    • ►  May (3)
    • ►  April (2)
    • ►  March (39)
    • ►  February (43)
    • ►  January (66)
  • ►  2013 (282)
    • ►  December (66)
    • ►  November (73)
    • ►  October (31)
    • ►  February (44)
    • ►  January (68)
  • ►  2012 (898)
    • ►  December (87)
    • ►  November (54)
    • ►  October (55)
    • ►  September (64)
    • ►  August (92)
    • ►  July (37)
    • ►  June (19)
    • ►  May (36)
    • ►  April (98)
    • ►  March (156)
    • ►  February (120)
    • ►  January (80)
  • ►  2011 (685)
    • ►  December (93)
    • ►  November (88)
    • ►  October (66)
    • ►  September (84)
    • ►  August (146)
    • ►  July (165)
    • ►  June (43)
  • ►  2010 (315)
    • ►  December (24)
    • ►  November (28)
    • ►  October (12)
    • ►  September (12)
    • ►  August (31)
    • ►  July (31)
    • ►  June (29)
    • ►  May (28)
    • ►  April (30)
    • ►  March (31)
    • ►  February (28)
    • ►  January (31)
  • ►  2009 (181)
    • ►  December (31)
    • ►  November (30)
    • ►  October (31)
    • ►  September (32)
    • ►  August (22)
    • ►  June (1)
    • ►  May (33)
    • ►  April (1)
  • ►  2008 (3)
    • ►  July (1)
    • ►  June (1)
    • ►  March (1)
  • ►  2006 (3)
    • ►  August (2)
    • ►  April (1)
  • ►  2005 (7)
    • ►  December (2)
    • ►  September (1)
    • ►  July (2)
    • ►  June (2)

Followers

Awesome Inc. theme. Powered by Blogger.