If you ever go to a brothel in Bangkok, it's best to use cash for your trans action.

See that red line that your phone puts under words? It means they're misspelled!

Someone just asked me on Facebook if I support Nepal. Does anyone know when and where they are playing?

I must be betting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.

At the gym... Just finished my 3rd set of selfies.

It's been weeks since I ordered a book on African migrants, but it still hasn't arrived. There must've been some problem with shipping.

Taylor Swift should really cancel her "Shake It Off" tour in Nepal this week!

The Teletubbies are adding a new cast member from North Africa. Sinky Winky's boat will be arriving in Italy any day now!

It's a real shame Google couldn't rescue their executive who died on Mt. Everest. I mean, it only took 0.37 seconds to find him!

Genesis: The oldest book in the joke!

My boyfriend called me gullible today. I almost dropped my bible!

Every day this week, I've caught my boyfriend masturbating with the help of my pool equipment. Even today, he was right on cue.

If Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter split up, who would get custody of Johnny Depp?

I was conceived during a blackout. My mother's.

I can't wait for ISIS to become WASWAS.

A bite from a Brazilian Wandering Spider can cause an erection, but you've gotta be pretty sick to get turned on by that kind of thing!

I'm a lot closer to my gay friends since I moved to the Middle East. They're just a stone's throw away.

A gay guy robs a bank, and while fleeing, a policeman yells, "Freeze punk!" The gay guy stops, turns around, and asks, "Free?"

Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch? A: Fission chips.

Q: What's the difference between terrorism and democracy? A: Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.

Women really should be climbing the corporate ladder. I mean, someone's got to clean the glass ceiling!

Never use marijuana and ecstasy together. You're not Pot/E trained!

I accidentally dropped marijuana into my mayonnaise. It reminded me of Holland Days.

Marijuana is a gateway drug! It leads to Cheetos.

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th; I was taught to reduce my fractions!

Today's headline: "Marijuana Use Linked to Decreased Motivation". I wish I knew the details, but I couldn't be bothered to read it.

I called the Addiction Helpline today: "For help with marijuana addiction, press the hash key."

Just because marijuana is natural doesn't mean it's safe. You know what else is natural? Tigers.

I couldn't believe how popular marijuana was when I visited Amsterdam. It was in all the papers!

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

Why do courts swear in witnesses using a book that would be thrown out due to lack of evidence?

My kinky new boyfriend said he wanted me to hurt him with anal sex. So I fucked his dad.

How do blonde twins tell each other apart?

I like my men how I like my bath water... So hot I can only stay in for 30 seconds.

Everyone seems worried about global warming, but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text!

I was searching the web for porn when my browser told me "Chrome cannot open this page." They must have been stuck together.

I have a ninedency to underestimate things.

My roommate said he wasn't very comfortable when I asked him to perform oral sex on me. So I bought him a pillow.

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

Georgia: Where you're free to marry your first cousin, just not if you're gay!

My boyfriend just told me he's sick of cleaning up after me. I don't know what he's talking about. I don't even clean up!

Voting in the Republican primary is like buying a Fleshlight. No matter which one you choose, you end up with a cunt you're ashamed of.

Schwarzenegger could never be president of the United States! Look at what happened last time an Austrian took over a foreign country.

The bible says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I think god is telling me to grope my hot neighbor.

I saw the worst faith healer today. He was so terrible that even the people in wheelchairs walked out!

Don't change your iPhone language to German. If you try to put it in airplane mode, it locks you out and then crashes.

I just read that, by law, you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. How are we gonna know when it's raining in Sweden?!

I think men would pay more attention to feminists if they put on a nice dress and wore a bit of makeup.

My buddy's girlfriend is pregnant, so he's been tiptoeing around the house. Putting all his stuff in a bag.

Investigators say the Germanwings copilot suffered from manic depression. One minute he was up, the next he was down.

Q: What's the difference between a ginger and a good Facebook status? A: A good Facebook status is liked.

In a survival situation, you can drink you own urine. Fortunately, the Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the glass.

The gold Apple Watch is $10,000?! If I wanted to spend that much on something that will be obsolete in 2 years, I'd buy an engagement ring!

I often have fantasies about guys I met in college, even though I'm in a relationship. Does that make a bad boyfriend? Or a bad professor?

I failed history in high school, but one day I'll go back and conquer it. Just like Henry VIII did to Hitler.

German pilots have the worst taste in jokes! "Knock knock." Nothing...

An ATM just charged me $4.00 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent theft. Pretty ironic, if you ask me!

So Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead on Easter Sunday, just in time for half-priced eggs. Typical Jew!

How to make Easter easier: Replace the "t" with an "i".

And lo, Jesus said unto his apostles, "Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs. I'll be back on Monday."

Today's the day Judas realized his April Fool's joke had gone too far.

When I'm in doubt I ask myself "What Would Jesus Do?" But then I remember he was crucified, so his decision making skills weren't great.

I love Jesus! He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day! (aka Easter)

Statistically, 1 out of 150 people enjoy suicide.

I tried using a colander to view the recent eclipse. I think I strained my eyes.

Did you hear the one about the drummer who was depressed about his bad timing? He threw himself behind a train.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.

Q: How is stabbing a hot dog with a fork like Zayn quitting One Direction? A: It leaves 4 little pricks.

My friend just told me that I make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. How hurtful! It ruined our bath!

The world's most masculine name is "Guy Chapman". It might as well be "Male Malemale"!

My body is well-defined...if you just look up the word "flabby".

I wrote "DIVORCE" and my husband wrote "YES". Tough way to find out, but at least I won our game of Scrabble.

Am I the only one that finds it ironic that One Direction has gone their separate ways?

I took my friend's kid down to the park this morning to feed the ducks. The ungrateful bastards spit her out!

Happy April Fool's Day!