From Twitter 12-23-2010

• 12:00:02: Q: What's black, runs very fast, and robs you of all your money?
  A: An iPhone 4.
  
• 22:11:11: Q: What's the difference between a prostitute and a cigar?
  A: The bigger the cigar, the more expensive it is.
  

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From Twitter 12-22-2010

• 12:00:17: Between Parkinson's & Alzheimer's, I'd take Parkinson's. I'd rather spill some of my cocktail than forget where I put it!
  
• 22:00:09: Snow is like a penis: Measured in inches, comes when you least expect it, and never gets as deep as you'd like.
  

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From Twitter 12-21-2010

• 12:00:03: I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
  
• 21:49:48: http://twitpic.com/3ia0mm
  
• 22:03:02: Just saw another TV commercial for Crab Fest at Red Lobster. Anyone else itching to go?
  

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From Twitter 12-20-2010

• 12:00:07: If you are among the cream of dairy inspectors, nothing cheesy gets pasteurize.
  
• 22:01:41: Driving in snow is like eating pussy. If u don't slow down & pay attention, you'll slide into the asshole in front of u!
  

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From Twitter 12-19-2010

• 12:00:03: I was gonna look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time...
  
• 22:01:30: I don't know why some men have sex with women whilst they are on their period. It's bloody nuts if you ask me!
  

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From Twitter 12-18-2010

• 12:00:06: Old cowboys don't die. They get deranged...
  
• 22:00:06: "The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium," Bob said half-heartedly.
  

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From Twitter 12-17-2010

• 12:05:18: Double negatives are a no-no.
  
• 22:01:42: Déjà Moo - noun - The feeling you get when you come home to the same fucking cow every day.
  

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From Twitter 12-16-2010

• 12:09:50: When making butter there is very little margarine for error.
  
• 13:32:37: HELP ME! My power windows r going haywire! Please read my problem & give input if u can, either here or at the link: http://mikeyp.us/cqpxn
  
• 22:03:39: Life ain't fair for a baby. They always get a bum wrap.
  

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From Twitter 12-15-2010

• 00:01:21: 32. Yay! (Not really...)
  
• 12:00:23: Bass players are very low-key.
  
• 22:11:49: The bomb squad was called at Lady Gaga's last concert! Apparently there was a suspicious-looking package on stage.
  

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From Twitter 12-14-2010

• 00:38:27: Wouldn't this be more helpful as a pre-Christmas Shipping Rush release?!?! http://mikeyp.us/olxwq
  
• 12:00:09: The iPad: Because the iPhone was too small for other people to notice you!
  
• 15:33:20: What's your ideal pizza topping? — Kinda boring, I know....but it's pepperoni. http://4ms.me/e4OBog
  
• 15:33:47: Would you rather be a vampire or a werewolf? — A vampire. It's sexier! http://4ms.me/hj8eGC
  
• 15:34:45: If you could go anywhere and spend the rest of your life th… — Oooh that's a tough one! Probably Europe somewhere! http://4ms.me/hJMvbx
  

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From Twitter 12-13-2010

• 12:00:11: It's getting so cold outside that lawyers are walking around with their hands in their OWN pockets!
  
• 22:00:05: Facebook is like prison. You sit around all day and waste time, write on walls, & get poked by people you don't know.
  

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From Twitter 12-12-2010

• 06:25:13: Ad: Promote HalloweenAdventure.com Shop for costumes at a discount. Save money! Biggest variety, best selection. http://spn.tw/tN5xI
  
• 06:38:52: Just testing my new Seesmic Web App on my new Google Chrome OS Cr-48 notebook, or ChromeBook as I'm calling it. @googlechrome
  
• 12:00:06: My friend picked a dress & asked me if she could pull it off. With her body, I'd be surprised if she could pull it on!
  
• 22:00:10: Q: What gets easier as it gets harder?
  A: Sex.
  
• 22:22:06: Yaaay for the doctors! So thanks for that, CBS news. Now to watch the actual show!! :-(
  
• 22:29:03: Note 2 self: Make sure the nightly news playing in the bg for noise isn't from the network that just had the big finale you hadn't seen yet!
  

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From Twitter 12-11-2010

• 12:00:21: I feel sorry for lung transplant patients. How horrible it must be to cough up phlegm knowing it's not yours!
  
• 22:00:09: You know you'll die a virgin when you pleasure yourself by poking people on Facebook...
  

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From Twitter 12-10-2010

• 00:02:01: Wait...seriously?! Chia Obama, Washington, Lincoln, and the Statue of Liberty?!?! WTF?!?! http://www.chiaobama.com
  
• 12:00:11: I have a sneaking suspicion that absurd warning labels were written for me...
  
• 13:18:47: Just arrived today. Totally made my week!! THANK @GOOGLECHROME PILOT PROGRAM!! :-D http://twitpic.com/3epngt
  
• 20:06:50: Hysterical Humor Hotlines! Message from Santa 954-482-4376 & Frosty the Snowman 484-406-8018 (Note: NOT for young kids!)
  
• 22:00:13: You look like I need another drink...
  
• 22:53:08: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  

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From Twitter 12-09-2010

• 04:16:02: Totally loving Rev. Jesse Jackson right now!!
  
• 12:03:23: Everyone's mom is a great travel agent if you're looking to take a Guilt Trip down Memory Lane!
  
• 18:43:30: OMG This is so freakin' cute!! Imagine the hard work putting it all together!! http://youtu.be/8-0WVfj76bo
  
• 18:46:46: This is cool too! http://youtu.be/fsfYZkJXB1M
  
• 22:00:14: Straighteners... Ironically making you more gay.
  
• 22:18:05: Tortillas and fortune cookies for dinner... I hate my life...
  

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From Twitter 12-08-2010

• 12:00:35: When discussing geology and erosion, I often get sedimental and break down.
  
• 22:00:34: As a kid I remember lying in bed waiting 4 Santa 2 come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed & left.
  

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From Twitter 12-07-2010

• 02:46:49: RT @mashable: Gmail Priority Inbox Now Learns Much Faster - http://on.mash.to/ftIcAy
  
• 12:00:20: I like to imagine that Braille on random public signs often says "How did you know this was here?"
  
• 19:17:52: Welcome to Twitter, @googlechrome! I love your product!! I'm crossing my fingers on your pilot program!! :-)
  
• 21:00:01: RT @PhoenixCub: I just Elfed Myself! Check it out: http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/DI0WVDPj4tqpfbjt @MichaelParisi @ice9tre @daveaz79
  
• 21:00:44: RT @PhoenixCub I just Elfed Myself! Check it out: http://elfyourself.jibjab.com/view/DI0WVDPj4tqpfbjt @MichaelParisi @ice9tre @daveaz79
  
• 22:00:35: My boyfriend and I met while he was working at a Thai massage parlor. It's a great story...with a happy ending.
  
• 22:53:22: This is a partial video screencap of a pic animation service. I don't remember how to find it. Anyone recognize it? http://mikeyp.us/jfvcv
  

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From Twitter 12-06-2010

• 12:01:32: I have ADHD. It's like ADD except the picture quality is phenomenal!
  
• 22:01:15: I made love with a disabled guy last night. He was good. Wheelie, wheelie good...
  

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From Twitter 12-05-2010

• 12:00:31: Being the fit, active guy I am, I punched a fat naked man in my bathroom today. Hurt my hand on the mirror though...
  
• 22:01:30: Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
  A: An armadildo.
  

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From Twitter 12-04-2010

• 12:00:08: I've just been diagnosed with Chronic Insomnia. But on the plus side, only 2 sleeps till Christmas!
  
• 23:35:54: Dear Genitals,
  Thanks for not bleeding every month. You're the best!
  Sincerely,
  A Man
  

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From Twitter 12-03-2010

• 12:00:21: You complete m
  
• 22:00:27: I wanna go down on you & make you happy. Then come back up slowly and fuck you real good...
  Yours truly,
  Gas Prices!
  

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From Twitter 12-02-2010

• 12:00:19: Ever notice how the people who tell you to calm down are the ones who got you all riled up in the first place?
  
• 22:00:09: My boyfriend is mad at me for turning him down for sex during our last airplane flight. But I don't give a flying fuck.
  

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From Twitter 12-01-2010

• 12:00:07: Great! My book ran out of batteries. Stupid future...
  
• 22:00:16: Q: What's the difference between a nun & a bathing woman?
  A: One has hope in her soul & the other has Soap in her hole!
  

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From Twitter 11-30-2010

• 03:22:06: Pls help me win an iPad! Spend $10 or more b4 tax/s&h @ ClipHanger.com today (11/30) & USE [email protected] IN THE REFERRER BOX!
  
• 12:00:24: This internet dating's very realistic. I've only been on one date so far and I already got a virus!
  
• 16:02:28: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 20:34:39: Bulk gin and store-brand tonic work just as well as the originals! :-P
  
• 22:00:07: If I had a clitoris, I'd never know it.
  

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