HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

With the amount of time this video is taking to buffer, I'm not sure what will come first: 2014 or me!

If you're considering drinking and driving tonight, remember that the police will be extremely busy and cabs charge double!

Brunette: "You wanna come to my New Year's Eve party?" Blonde: "Sure! When?"

I've thought long and hard about it, and I've finally decided on my New Year's resolution: 1024x768

I was running toward my dreams, but I tripped over reality and hit my head on the truth.

My mom wanted me to be a doctor. Sloppy handwriting is best I can do.

Religious people might be on to something by rejecting evolution. If evolution worked properly, there wouldn't be any religious people!

Blasphemy is a victimless crime.

Two types of people that annoy me: 1) Drunk people when I'm sober. 2) Sober people when I'm drunk.

Am I the only one who thinks those shaking icons on my iPhone feel like they're all panicked over who's getting deleted?

If I've ever said anything to insult you, please let me know. I might want to say it again.

If a woman says something in a forest, is she still wrong?

Does this lack of self-confidence make me look fat?

When I was a baby, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Gary. You're not a Jedi."

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you pointed out that it wasn't mine, as I was still alive.

I got one of those new Muslim talking dolls for Christmas, but I don't know what it says yet. I'm too afraid to pull the fucking cord!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

As a kid, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

This Christmas, naughty children will be getting some US Dollars instead of that expensive lump of coal.

fun·gry \ˈfəŋ-grē\ adj: The state of being fucking hungry.

My boyfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to him or something like that.

God works in mysterious ways. Why else would he care about people masturbating instead of feeding starving children in Africa?

My friend suffers from that disease which makes him allergic to facts. It's called "religion".

When I bought a Christmas tree, the worker asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I said, "No, I'll be putting it in the den."

Well, better stop fucking around with it and just get my boyfriend's time machine wrapped. It's Christmas yesterday.

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer??!?!?! Max Factor should make condoms.

I called my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the tsunami, but he just kept going on and on about a huge rave!

I just ended a long-term relationship. I'm not too bothered; it wasn't mine.

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

If size doesn't matter, why isn't your vibrator three inches and crooked?!

My boyfriend told me that I just don't understand irony, which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your roommate walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.

Somebody called me "pretentious" the other day. I nearly choked on my Triple Venti No-Foam 125° Caffè Latte!

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes!

You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.

Looking to the bible for the answers to the universe is like watching Tron to learn how a computer works.

Like most people my age, I'm 35.

Waiting for Jesus to come back is like waiting for the straight piece in Tetris. By the time it comes, you're fucked no matter what you do.

The biggest difference between men and women is what they mean when they say "I went through a whole box of Kleenex during that movie!"

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hardon?

If you're so much better than the leading brand, why aren't you the leading brand?

My boyfriend complained that there's no real comedic merit to my sick jokes. We argued about it for a while and then I raped him.

I was at an ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I heard the guy in front of me in the hotel check-in line asking if the porn channel was disabled. Unbelievable what some people are into!

Q: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? A: To get to the other side.

No, YouPorn, I do NOT want to play poker! I'm at work.

My boyfriend came home from work very upset yesterday and asked me to console him, so I hit him over the head with my Xbox One.

Q: How does every black joke start? A: By looking around.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I used to tell a lot of religious jokes, but not any more. They put me in the sects offenders registry.

As a kid, my mom lied to me about things like Santa and the Tooth Fairy. But that I'm older I don't fall for lies anymore, THANK GOD!

My boyfriend is a porn star. He's gonna be so pissed when he finds out!

Apparently, chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

I once went on a date with a guy who didn't swallow. Soup everywhere!

Q: What should you do if you come across an ancient tribe in the jungle? A: Wipe them off and apologize.

Isn't it ironic that a public restroom's handicapped stall is the only one big enough to run around in?!

Why do libraries loan books on suicide when they know they won't be getting them back?

Just saw an interesting statistic. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoelaces of the deceased together. During the zombie apocalypse, it will be fucking hilarious!

Since my boyfriend died, I don't get out much. Damn jury!!!

If you want to set up a company and then run it, that's your own business.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

I just bought the Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. You don't open the doors.