From Twitter 06-29-2010

• 02:10:01: All these "new" iPhone features are nothing that we can't already do on a jailbroken one! What's the big deal?!
  
• 03:15:14: Uuuugh... Heartburn!! :-(
  
• 09:51:06: If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?
  
• 15:00:16: When I found out my new toaster wasn't waterproof, I was shocked!!
  
• 18:41:29: *banging head against wall*
  
• 22:00:20: If men are from Mars and women are from Venus, are gay men from Uranus?
  

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From Twitter 06-28-2010

• 08:00:31: Toyota announced they'll be a part of Formula 1 next year. I bet they'll be unstoppable!
  
• 11:42:38: Natural AND artificial?!?! http://htxt.it/i/jNas
  
• 15:00:27: The inventor of the frisbee died today. I don't want to discus it.
  
• 22:00:17: My favorite sex position is 'The Toyota'. I don't stop no matter how much you scream.
  

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From Twitter 06-27-2010

• 08:00:26: your aSs.
  
  I just put a cap in your ass.
  
• 11:33:42: I just became the mayor of Harrahs Ak-Chin Casino Resort on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9BY5NL
  
• 11:34:00: I'm at Harrah's Ak-Chin Casino (15406 Maricopa Road, Maricopa). http://4sq.com/6CA8I4
  
• 15:00:27: Life is like a box of chocolates -- my boyfriend gets really annoyed when I try to finish his.
  
• 22:00:30: My wife has a rain fetish. It makes her wet.
  

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From Twitter 06-26-2010

• 04:01:51: Run your wife a nice hot bath with candles & wine. Then you u have at LEAST 40 minutes on the Wii plus a clean wife!
  
• 08:00:21: Not to offend any Christians or athesists, but the Big Bang sounds like Allah's work to me...
  
• 15:00:21: Your body would look great in my trunk!
  
• 22:00:21: The worst part of gang rape is having to wait your turn.
  

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From Twitter 06-25-2010

• 08:03:44: Q: How is Avatar like Titanic?
  A: Most of the characters are blue.
  
• 15:00:35: I put my clothes on the line earlier. I think my gambling addiction has gone too far!
  

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From Twitter 06-24-2010

• 08:00:27: Who cares if my grandkids aren't gonna see a polar bear?! I didn't see a dinosaur!!
  
• 15:00:21: Why go to the gym when I've got Photoshop?!
  
• 22:00:32: I like my men how I like my light bulbs. Easily turned on, not too bright, & hanging from the ceiling w/electrical cord.
  

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From Twitter 06-23-2010

• 08:00:37: I sometimes use phrases that I don't understand, and vice versa.
  
• 15:00:27: I come from a long line of Conga dancers.
  
• 15:03:08: Boring day at work... I had some time on my hands... http://twitpic.com/1zcodg
  
• 18:02:10: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 19:28:31: Summer colds suck!!!
  
• 22:00:20: Photo: Not to be racist, but WOW!!! http://mikeyp.us/iXDyk
  

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From Twitter 06-22-2010

• 08:00:54: When does it go from being partly cloudy to partly sunny??
  
• 15:00:41: Are eyebrows considered facial hair?
  
• 22:00:21: Q: What's the difference between a pedophile and a terrorist?
  A: A pedophile actually gets his virgins!
  

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From Twitter 06-21-2010

• 08:00:20: What's the difference between normal ketchup and fancy ketchup?
  
• 15:00:17: Is a kid that won't take a nap guilty of resisting a rest??
  
• 22:00:34: If a transvesite goes missing, would you put their face on a carton of Half & Half?
  

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From Twitter 06-20-2010

• 08:00:27: If you dug a hole to China & jumped in, would you stay at the center on the Earth because of gravity?
  
• 15:00:26: How far east can you go before you're heading west??
  
• 19:12:07: WTF?! A Circle K radio commercial just advertised "The Most You Can Suck for Under a Buck"!! ROFL
  
• 19:24:08: This is @BayleeDutchess. (She eventually won the staring contest! Hehehe) http://twitpic.com/1ym9vx http://twitpic.com/1ym9w8
  
• 19:24:24: And this is @LittleNalaKitty. http://twitpic.com/1ym9z9
  
• 22:00:25: If pro and con are opposites, wouldn't the opposite of progress be congress?
  

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From Twitter 06-19-2010

• 08:00:27: Purity rings are only good for prolonging the time before you have to admit that you're actually gay!
  
• 15:00:22: Why do Allstate Insurance ads say that it's "not available in all states"??
  
• 18:01:15: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:24: If a dead person springs back to life, do they get a refund on the coffin??
  

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From Twitter 06-18-2010

• 08:00:21: Crime never pays. Unless, of course, you steal money.
  
• 15:00:30: Joking about the Holocaust is just wrong! Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it!!
  
• 20:52:39: RT @PhoenixCub: Here is @MichaelParisi admitting that he's a cheap trick AND performing in Vegas. :-P http://twitgoo.com/145eup
  
• 23:11:51: I have to admit that sometimes a girl is so pretty that I forget to look at her tits!!
  

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From Twitter 06-17-2010

• 08:00:22: I wasn't always into peer pressure... My friends got me into it.
  
• 12:15:59: I just became the mayor of Penis Gigantus on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dvuHed
  
• 12:15:59: Yaaaay for Caesar!! (@ Penis Gigantus) http://4sq.com/dvuHed
  
• 15:00:18: Why are all the unpacking instructions inside the box?!
  
• 22:00:25: If sex is such good exercise, why are there fat sluts?
  

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From Twitter 06-16-2010

• 02:57:39: Staying at @CaesarsPalace was a surprise for both Carly and Karen. Carly heard the news first!! Here's the reveal! http://twitvid.com/0CPYI
  
• 02:58:08: Karen was the last to find out that we were staying at @CaesarsPalace. Here's the reveal. Check out the offer! :-D http://twitvid.com/STPXI
  
• 08:00:30: I'm not an alcoholic; I just like having an attractive boyfriend.
  
• 09:41:51: Ad: I just entered to WIN 1 of 12 HP Mini Laptops. Just follow @MicrosoftTag and RT to enter! #contest http://spn.tw/thpz5
  
• 11:11:41: Hey @CaesarsPalace, I know these fire alarm tests need to happen, but this is Vegas!!!! 11am is too early!! Try 4 or 5pm next time!! :-(
  
• 15:30:39: To those of you out there with bladder infections, urine our players.
  
• 22:00:22: A friend at work invited me over to check out her pad. I said no because I think periods are disgusting!
  

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From Twitter 06-15-2010

• 13:52:27: How did they know my college nickname?!?! :-P http://twitpic.com/1x2u8m
  
• 14:02:58: .@mylivespot OMG I freakin love @jesus!!!!!
  
• 14:12:16: I wanna do Bradley Cooper in the face! :-D
  
• 15:00:22: If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for!!
  
• 16:23:30: I'm at Planet Hollywood Resort & Casino w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/zEDQa
  
• 18:12:30: Wow! Our room at @CaesarsPalace even has a drinking fountain by the toilet!! Talk about luxury!!! :-P http://twitpic.com/1x4ppa
  
• 20:13:06: I'm at Diamond Lounge @ Caesars Palace w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/bEqoqO
  
• 22:00:34: Of course life's a bitch. If it were easy it would be called a slut!
  

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From Twitter 06-14-2010

• 08:00:19: Apparently a keyring is a simple device that allows you to lose all your keys at once!
  
• 15:00:22: My friend accused me of having 'uncontrollable OCD.". I put him in his place...
  
• 22:00:29: When I found out that my uncle slept with my girlfriend, I had to get even. It's time to go up my ante!
  

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From Twitter 06-13-2010

• 08:00:42: If God really wants all of us as his followers, why doesn't He open a Twitter account?!
  
• 15:00:23: You can't spell Pedophile without Pope!!
  
• 22:00:19: Boomerang: A frisbee for ginger kids.
  

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From Twitter 06-11-2010

• 08:02:47: I don't like being called racist. I prefer "observant".
  
• 14:18:38: Because Tan Phat looks better than pasty white phat!! :-P (@ Tan Phat Oriental Market) http://4sq.com/dCRr2r
  
• 15:00:46: I have no control & there's no escape -- I don't even have a home anymore! Definitely time for a new keyboard!
  
• 22:00:24: Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
  

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From Twitter 06-10-2010

• 08:00:25: There's a fine line between hyphenated words...
  
• 15:00:36: I've noticed observational jokes are particularly popular these days...
  
• 20:27:09: I just unlocked the "Lakers - Finals 2010" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/avw61Y
  
• 20:27:58: I just unlocked the "Celtics - Finals 2010" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/c3yOyx
  
• 20:28:59: I just unlocked the "I'm on a boat!" badge on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dxSlos
  
• 22:00:25: I got an Asian discount hooker in Vegas last week. She loved me moderate time.
  

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From Twitter 06-09-2010

• 08:03:52: Prison walls are never built to scale.
  
• 15:00:35: My ex-boyriend could not take criticism! At least, that was the basic theme of his suicide note...
  
• 18:01:07: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:29: Q: What do you call a sex position involving 2 really fat people?
  A: "Missionary Impossible"
  

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From Twitter 06-08-2010

• 15:00:43: I just started my own business making boats in my attic. Sails are going through the roof!!
  
• 15:32:44: Time for "Sex and the City 2"!!! (@ AMC Theaters - Esplanade 14 w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/6K93aX
  
• 18:44:45: Here at Schloyzsky's Deli slash Cinnabon!! (@ Schlotzsky's Deli w/ @phoenixcub) http://4sq.com/a2MjJP
  
• 22:00:35: From the makers of the George Foreman Grill comes the all new Muhammed Ali Cocktail Shaker! In stores now!!
  

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From Twitter 06-07-2010

• 08:01:06: My sister just married a Chinese billionaire... Cha Ching!!
  
• 15:00:34: I was trying to explain the concept of Twitter to my friend. He said "I don't follow you."
  
• 22:00:12: I hate people who say time travel is a dumb idea. It's that kind of bad attitude that lost us WWIII...
  

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From Twitter 06-06-2010

• 02:36:45: Q: In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks?
  A: Neither one! Lesbians eat out.
  
• 08:00:27: Violence is never the answer. Unless the question is: "What is never the answer?"
  
• 15:00:11: Just got arrested at LAX! Apparently the 'shotgun' rule doesn't apply when boarding a plane...
  
• 22:00:22: I won't rest until I find a cure for insomnia...
  
• 22:04:21: At my @Starbucks today I got to meet our @foursquare mayor, @paigeiam. Is it weird (or just a little nerdy) that it was a bit exciting?! LOL
  

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From Twitter 06-05-2010

• 01:37:03: My boyfriend likes me to strangle him until he passes out during sex. I think.
  
• 08:00:20: Call me superstitious but my friend fell from the 13th floor of a building. And died!
  
• 15:00:15: I love my nickname: "The Terminator". My patients at the abortion clinic don't really appreciate it though...
  
• 17:49:12: New and improved casino night!!!! :-) (@ Kasa de Karen) http://4sq.com/dgqinS
  
• 18:01:27: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  

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From Twitter 06-04-2010

• 04:14:26: I just ousted @24k as the mayor of Ellis Island Casino on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/5zkxMU
  
• 06:52:51: I'm having a blast but I'm so far down this trip that I understand why hotel windows only open 2 inches... :-(
  
• 08:00:37: Some people say I'm a pickpocket. I would say I simply find things before other people lose them.
  
• 15:00:28: Whoever says a broken heart is the worst feeling in the world has never had their finger rip thru the toilet paper!
  
• 16:26:42: Hey @PhoenixCub: ¡Recuerde César!
  
• 23:46:04: I just became the mayor of Alpaca Factory Outlet on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/aquocb
  

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From Twitter 06-03-2010

• 08:00:39: Iron Man is a superhero. Iron Woman is a command.
  
• 15:00:26: Animated GIF: How "Lost" should have ended!! http://mikeyp.us/mnpxt
  

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From Twitter 06-02-2010

• 00:26:23: Our SPECTACULAR view from our Planet Hollywood Las Vegas (@phvegas) room!! :-) @PhoenixCub http://twitpic.com/1t7uq0
  
• 00:30:15: .@MrProducer Oh yeah. Forgot that part! It's a Charlie Sheen room. From The Arrival (1996).
  
• 04:44:13: I'm super drunk and I love Vegas! @phoenixcub had to type this for me because I'm too drunk.
  
• 08:00:40: My nephew is being forced to smoke by their French exchange student. Pierre Pressure!!
  
• 15:00:30: My Chinese friend always tells the truth. Believe Yu-Mi, he never lies!
  
• 22:00:31: The Jackson Five: Now with no artificial colors!!
  

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From Twitter 06-01-2010

• 08:00:40: More kids these days are upgrading from AD to ADHD. Parents can see the problems more clearly, sometimes in widescreen!!
  
• 15:00:41: Schizophrenics are people two.
  
• 16:01:33: Here we come, @phvegas!! Are you ready for us?!?! :-) @PhoenixCub
  
• 21:23:21: I'm at Petro Stopping Center w/ @phoenixcub. http://4sq.com/5NzVCA
  
• 22:00:15: Rats are under rated. Just check your dictionary!!
  

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From Twitter 05-31-2010

• 08:00:27: Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together??
  
• 15:00:20: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time."
  
• 22:00:32: Ancient Chinese Proverb: "Man who walk sideways through airport turnstyle going to Bangkok!"
  

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