I almost went to a Halloween party as Mama from Honey Boo Boo, but I changed my mind. I didn't want to violate a Star Wars copyright!

Happy Halloween, boys and ghouls!! 🎃👻 :-O

Humor Hotlines: IMPORTANT - The Halloween Tragedy Prevention Hauntline. Prevent accidental murders! 212-660-4245

This year for Halloween I'm gonna dress as a Scooby Doo character and run around taking people's masks off.

I plan in repeating "Bloody Mary" a LOT today! Not because it's Halloween, but because I'm an alcoholic and there are drink specials!

I freakin' love that you can sign into MySpace using Facebook! LOL

Sometimes I wonder if Prince Charming was really just a very disappointed necrophiliac...

I can't afford antidepressants, so I'm drinking No More Tears shampoo instead.

I went to an incest golf tournament today. I finished two strokes under pa.

An Apple fan walks into a bar... Orders the same drink as yesterday, but pays more.

I just got banned from a christian dating site. Apparently 'hunglikejesus' isn't an "appropriate" user name!

Q: Why did god create man first? A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.

I just heard one of the Teletubbies made a porn film in France. Ooh, La La.

I just complimented my friend on her mustache and now she won't talk to me!

I went outside once. The graphics aren't that good.

Waiting for Jesus' second coming is as frustrating as waiting for ANY man to come a second time!

Hey christian Taliban! You're the reason "god" gave us middle fingers.

Why? Because alcohol, what's why!

My cats went completely insane when I told them they were adopted. But to be fair, I did spell it out with a laser pointer.

I imagine that dating a single mother is like playing someone else's saved game.

My bladder needs a snooze button...

In honor of National Coming Out Day, I was about to make a gay joke, butt fuck it!

It's National Coming Out Day. I don't think I really have to, do I??

No one dies a virgin. Life screws us all.

No jokes today. It's the 4-year anniversary of my mom's passing. :-( Watch her memorial slide how here: http://youtu.be/v6N-wSBe4YA

I asked the librarian if they had any books on lubrication. She told me to check the non-friction section.

I hate when I'm wearing my apple bottom jeans and can't find my boots with the fur!

Vagina jokes aren't funny! Period! Some people do ovaryact to them though...

Vagina jokes aren't funny! Period! Some people do ovaryact to them though…

iSpy with my little i...a lawsuit from Apple!

Apparently Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. Must be a pain having random strangers show up at your door...

When you talk to god it's called praying, but when god talks to you it's a mental illness!

"Who're your children?" A perfectly friendly question, until you forget the apostrophe...

Check out my YouTube videos, including "slot porn" & my 2 game shows: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Shoot and ask questions simultaneously. It's more efficient!

Giving someone the middle finger is basically saying, "I want to punch you so bad, my fist has a boner!"

Holy crap! #Smurfs are THREE apples high?? Damn...bigger than I thought!

Well...sweet potato gnocchi from the dollar bin and expired Ragú. Sounds like lunch...and dinner.

This sucks! I'm owed over $6,000.00 and yet I can't even afford McDonalds while they do god-knows-what! :-'(

(-.(-.(-.(-.(-.(-.(-.-).-).-).-).-).-).-) The Chinese Mafia is watching you!!

Autocorrect is a who're!

Autocorrect is a who're!

It's flu season! Remember that a Tequila Sunrise has plenty of Vitamin C!

Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat...and she cleans her own ass!

My boyfriend told me he's loving me because I don't listen well enough.

Q: What's the difference between a slut & a bitch? A: A slut sleeps with everyone. A bitch sleeps with everyone but you.

They call me "Captain Obvious". That's because I always point out things that are obvious.

Opinions are like assholes, not only bcuz everybody's got one, but because it's rude to let them be heard, and they're full of shit.

Q: Why did the Romanian stop reading for the night? A: To give his Bucharest.