Verizon, please stop calling it the "Share Everything" Plan. We're clearly only sharing horribly limited data. We're not that stupid!

Tattoos on the face. Translation: "I've given up on life."

I know I'm in the bathroom 2 long when I return 2 my table & they've seated sum1 else there bcuz they thought I left. #yeahthatjusthappened

I want to put my body into ketosis, but I seriously lack motivation and discipline. :-/

Dear parents of the obnoxious, high-pitched, SCREAMING brat at the next table: Please at least LOOK like ur trying to shut the fucker up!!

I hate being first in line behind a "no right turn on red" sign. The idiot behind you never seems to see it and gets mad at you! *sigh*

Humor Hotlines: White People 101. VERY funny!! 704-319-7263

Driving 7mph over the speed limit in a construction zone but STILL being taunted by angry speed freaks. Deal with it, fuckers!!

The hardest part about a zombie apocalypse will be pretending I'm not excited!

I really wish Chick-fil-A wasn't so damn good! :-(

Holy crap! I had a robot draw my portrait! Web Lab: My Sketchbot Portrait http://youtu.be/x_q6EoepTGg

"No hay miedo cuando hay amor." #LoveInTheWild

What wouldn't be fair if the coaches DO enter the game as players is that they will have been immune for 1/3 of the game or more! #BB14

Moved by highway patrol to the right side of the freeway. Ooooh I've ever had a traffic break run just for me before!!

Although far less violent this time, just had my 2nd shredded tire in 5 days! But hey, I found a heads-up penny on the side of the freeway!

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

John Carter (Blu-ray/DVD, 2012, 2-Disc Set) BRAND NEW - UNOPENED - FREE SHIPPING WITH BUY IT NOW http://www.ebay.com/itm/280920994282

Old United States $20 Bill - FREE SHIPPING TO USA http://www.ebay.com/itm/280921067289 - All my items are at http://mikeyp.us/eBay

The Muppets (Blu-ray/DVD, 2012, 2-Disc Set) BRAND NEW - UNOPENED - FREE SHIPPING WITH BUY IT NOW http://www.ebay.com/itm/280920993187

Why do I have "Mrs. Robinson" stuck in my head when I should be sleeping?!

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

"I applaud all forms of nerdy male exhibitionism, so I have to award claps to Ian. Even though he may be a murderer." -AfterElton #BB14

#BB14's "mix of shouty confessionals & crybaby melodrama...go 2gether like choc & pnut butter! Plus trash. My favorite." -AfterElton

Did @TGHJoy really just say "wiener wall" on #TheGlassHouse?? On #ABC?!?!?! Wow!!

Old United States $20 Bill - FREE SHIPPING TO USA http://www.ebay.com/itm/280921067289 - All my items are at http://mikeyp.us/eBay

John Carter (Blu-ray/DVD, 2012, 2-Disc Set) BRAND NEW - UNOPENED - FREE SHIPPING WITH BUY IT NOW http://www.ebay.com/itm/280920994282

The Muppets (Blu-ray/DVD, 2012, 2-Disc Set) BRAND NEW - UNOPENED - FREE SHIPPING WITH BUY IT NOW http://www.ebay.com/itm/280920993187

Just picked up a penny on tails on Friday the 13th! Uh oh!!

Today, 7/11, is National Slurpee Day, isn't it??

Wow! I didn't realize how sunburned I was until I took a hot shower just now! :-/

A woman at the @FlamingoVegas pool today had major back-boob! There was more cleavage in front than there was in back!!

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Check out my YouTube videos, including the 2 game shows I was on: 'Pyramid' & 'Friend or Foe?' http://www.youtube.com/MichaelParisi

Holy shit it's like Florida out here!!

July 4th must've been invented by greeting card companies cuz equality & the pursuit of happiness only apply to rich str8 white men here!

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!! :-)

OMG I laughed my ass off!! Todrick Hall's Beauty and the BEAT! http://youtu.be/B0Rau01wbeo