For Halloween, I went to my local dance club as a skeleton, but I had no body to dance with.

I'm headed to a gay bar for a Halloween party. I hope I get the willies!!

Be safe out there, everyone! Have fun, and Happy Halloween!!

My local bar is supposedly haunted. But I say the only reason a ghost would go into a bar is for the Boos.

It's *technically* the stroke of midnight on Halloween Day, so HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! :-D

News: 17,000 atheists in the Middle East rioted today after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?

Legal case 4 dads trying 2 get full custody: "If I put a coin in a gumball machine, is the gum mine, or the machine's?"

I no longer see my boyfriend, and it's all because of gambling... I won shitloads of money and moved to Italy.

My high school girlfriend was just like a microwave. Hot on the inside and kills any baby you put in her.

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

I just won a contest for $3,000 worth of Apple products!! I'm so pleased with my new mouse and mouse pad!

a little drunk

I found out that when I was born, I was the 4,333,134,591st person alive & the 78,854,470,040th person to have lived since history began.

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!" Bullshit!! That's when the new game starts: "Find The Eye!"

Mental Note: Actual notes work better.

I was just with a telekinetic prostitute. It was mind-blowing!!

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins, but take a look at me now.

Glee: Killing songs and outing homos since 2009.

The worst time to pass a homeless man is on the way to a Coinstar machine.

Please help me! iPhone App Store problems/question: http://yhoo.it/uQ8E9N (Yahoo! Answers question - Please RT)

At the beach today, some guy asked me to spray his back. Bit of a misunderstanding and now I'm in police custody...

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

Q: What's the difference between cancer and Americans? A: Cancer gets Jobs.

The worst part of being an atheist is not having anyone to talk to during orgasms!

Did u know if u rearrange the letters in 'religion', it spells 'ngoiilre'? And yet it still makes just as much sense!!

Liking your own status on Facebook is like high-fiving yourself after a wank.

Q: What's the difference between a sandwich and someone from Kentucky? A: One is in bread and the other is inbred!

"Ribbed for extra pleasure." What bullshit! That's the last time I fuck a bag of Ruffles! The salt stings!!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

My boyfriend left me because I over-exaggerate. So I'm single again for the millionth time!!

My third cousin twice removed is Muslim. I guess that's why he was removed...

I'm sick of my friends promising 2 go 2 a Whitesnake concert w/ me & then never showing up. Here I go again on my own!

My boyfriend broke up with me because of my addiction to masturbation. It made me feel like a big jerk.

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

I don't claim to be a big deal...but let's just say I am what Willis was talkin' about!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you diabetes, don't make lemonade.

I warned you! Relax...it's just a bad stolen joke! No complaining allowed!!

Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A: AIDS.

REALLY cringe-inducing one coming up in 10 minutes. I mean *really* bad. You've been warned. No complaining allowed!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you diabetes, don't make lemonade.

I've got a real dilemma. I keep daydreaming about my best friend sucking my cock. How should I tell him that he's gay?

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac.

I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

"Jesus Saves". Well, he wouldn't be the first Jew to do so.

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a straight guy just to check out some ass!

I bet I can stop gambling anytime I want!

Apparently "Merlinda the Wench" is a Wizard of Oz character, according to the security guard at @FlamingoVegas! ROFL

I have Harry Potter bedsheets, because that's where all the magic happens!

$100.00 off new DIRECTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

My fat friend always claims that it runs in his family, but that's a lie. Clearly no one runs in his family!

Q: What's an emo's favorite position in the bedroom? A: The darkest corner.

Since homeless people don't have rent to pay, why do they still ask for money?!

Enough depressing crap! Back to the offensive stolen joke schedule! :-)

If pancreatic cancer has affected anyone in your life, please make a donation at http://www.PanCan.org in their memory.

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

According 2 the American Cancer Society, 37,679 Americans OTHER than my mom were diagnosed w/ pancreatic cancer in 2008.

Wear a purple ribbon for pancreatic cancer awareness. Visit http://www.PanCan.org for more information.

For more information on pancreatic cancer and how you can help, visit http://www.PanCan.org

My mom died 3 years ago, almost to the minute, of pancreatic cancer. I miss you so much mom. I love you!

I'm shocked & saddened about Steve Jobs' death today. Just 5 days before the 3 year anniversary of my mom's passing from the same thing!

Lost message scheduling capabilities...I'll get the joke posts up and running again soon.

I won't be using my faulty bathroom scales anymore. I've seen the error of my weighs.