Merry Christmas to all you delusional American christians with a persecution complex! Tomorrow, back to normal!

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic with insomnia who stayed up all night wondering if there really is a dog?

Photons have mass?! I didn't even know they were catholic!

Q: How does Moses make tea? A: Hebrews it.

Q: What does Mortal Kombat and a church in Helsinki have in common? A: Finnish Hymn!

Q: What's the most expensive jewish wine? A: "I wanna go to Flahrida!"

Q: What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? A: "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear the one about the monk who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He was trying to transcend dental medication.

Q: What do you call a rabbi with heartburn? A: Acidic Jew

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant? A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

Two nuns are riding bicycles down the street. One says, "I've never came this way before." The other says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"

Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub? A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.

Q: What do you call a car full of nuns? A: Virgin Mobile

There are no rules in Constipation Club. Do whatever you want. Tell everyone. Nobody gives a shit.

The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise! I shouted "Stop!" but, if anything, that made things worse!

I imagine Pokémon means something entirely different if you're a man in a Jamaican prison.

Why does it take 3-5 business days to refund my money to my card when it only took 3-5 seconds to fucking withdraw it?!

No wonder god hasn't come back to Earth! Last time he was here he got some bitch pregnant and some people won't shut up about it!

I know for a fact Jesus wasn't born in America. There are no wise men or virgins here!

Q: What's a pedophile's favorite opera? A: Magic Flute in A-minor.

Binary 101 is not a beginners' class!

I'm just like a Nintendo game. If you want me to place nice, blow me.

Apparently a large number of U.S. teens suffer from low self-esteem & body image issues. Not all of them though. Just the fat & ugly ones.

Vodka and Red Bull: Because you want to be wide awake for this mistake!

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But letters threatening his kids also works.

Female Viagra?! What a joke! There's already a pill to get women ready for sex. It's called Rohypnol.

George R.R. Martin can't use Twitter anymore. He's killed off all 140 characters!

When will Red Lobster bring back Crab-Fest? I'm itching to go!

I wanted to request installing a suggestion box at work, but I had no way of doing it.

Looks like Jared from Subway will be getting 5 dollar footlongs the rest of his life!

All ships can be submarines...once.

If Mary had Jesus, and Jesus is the lamb of god, does that mean Mary had a little lamb?

Q: Why must we stay quiet in church? A: Because people are sleeping.

Just had to tell my boyfriend the truth about my Viagra overdose. He took it very hard.

Went on a date with a librarian last night. He cost me a fucking fortune! It's my own fault really...I kept him out way too long!

#NeverForget

I was supposed to be in court today for possession of marijuana. Uhhh....well....I think it was today... Oh well.

Tried out for the lead in a new musical about Cuba. They want me to be the understudy but I turned it down. I refuse to play second Fidel.

I just leased a gay convertible! The top doesn't go down, but my chauffeur does!

My deaf boyfriend just dumped me. It came as a total shock! I should have seen the signs.

Just rented "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory". Turns out it's not the same version I've seen clips of on Xtube! How disappointing.

I know what the fox says.

As a man of god, I wouldn't ever leave my kids in the care of a homosexual. Luckily my local priest is available to babysit most nights.

"Life's a bitch, then you marry four." - Old Mormon Saying

Q: What's worse than finding a hole in your condom? A: Finding a condom in your hole!

"It takes one to know one." Either you're being insulted or Queen Elizabeth's getting philosophical.

I'm worried about my B.O.! Twice now, men have sprayed me w/cologne before sex. Not sure which brand, but it had a distinct, peppery smell.

I'm getting really sick of cliché American phrases! Don't even use them around me! It's my way or the motorway!!

I never expected that Jenna Jameson keeps kosher...not with all the sausage she's been though!

Stalkers Anonymous -- Follow us on Facebook.

Q: What do you get if you insert human DNA into a sheep? A: Banned from the petting zoo.

I always thought chiropractors were a waste of money, but I stand corrected.

Are we SURE it was cancer that killed Wes Craven? Or should we avoid sleeping for a while?

71 immigrants were found dead in a delivery truck. Head up, Brits! I hear Tesco's Hungarian burgers will be better than their horse ones!

I'm not an alcoholic. I just like having an attractive boyfriend.

The word stifle is an anagram of itself.

Show me a man who calls himself a vegan, and I'll show you a man who's trying to fuck a vegan.

The quickest way to call a family meeting is to turn off the WiFi router and just wait in the room where it's located.

Q: What's the difference between a young boy and a catholic priest? A: One's a choir boy, the other acquires boys.

Gods don't kill people. People with gods kill people.

Q: What do you if you come across someone you know on the bus? A: Wipe if off and apologize.

I spilled my bottle of Ritalin in my Ford Fiesta. Now it's a Ford Focus.

Sex is for people who can't afford an Xbox Live Gold Membership!

In light of today's #SCOTUS ruling, I've decided it's time to give up on online dating. My boyfriend's idea.

To new iPad owners: When you masturbate over your new device, make sure to put some porn on the screen to avoid embarrassment.

I've just been diagnosed with hypochondria. I KNEW something was wrong with me!!

The longest I've ever had sex is 1 hour and 2 minutes. Thank goodness for Daylight Savings Time!

Hello, and welcome to Fight Club. How did you hear about us?

Q: What should you do if your lover starts smoking? A: Slow down and use more lube.

If scientists invented a pill to make us immortal, I'd probably end up choking on it.

In all fairness, there are advantages to living in a redneck family. For example, only 1 person needs to get tested at the STD clinic.

Bagpipes sound exactly the same when you're done learning how to play as when you started.

Fathers' Day is twice as expensive when you've been adopted by a gay couple!

Fathers' Day has become too commercialized. We've all forgotten the true meaning: Walking from room to room turning off lights.

The guy I brought home told me he finds condoms a real turn-off. I really should clean my bedroom!

One of the best benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who the fuck ate my kale?"

The best sex is when my boyfriend gets drunk. He passes out, then I go to his brother's house!

Kids today don't know how easy they have it! When I was a kid I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change TV channels!

New parents: Always remember that pen caps choke kids! (Another good ones is marbles.)

My GPS just told me to turn around. Now I can't see where I'm driving!

Never be ashamed of who you are! That's your parents' job...

Bears think if you're lying down motionless, you're dead. So every day, the first bear to wake up thinks its entire family is dead. Tragic!

Welcome to Social Anxiety class. Please have a seat and make yourselves uncomfortable.

BREAKING NEWS: Eating at McDonald's has health benefits! It prevents you from dying of old age.

Diet Coke: It's how supermodels stay thin. Sorry, that should be "diet, coke".

Say what you want about deaf people... But not blind people -- they can still hear you.

Atheists do it like nobody is watching.

I went to see a lawyer to change my will, but it turns out I can't leave all my money to an imaginary friend unless they have a church.

On the bright side, Selfie Sticks are also lightning rods.

I bought a used time machine next week. They just don't make them like they're going to anymore!

I bought a Russian porn magazine called "Barely Legal". The centerfold is two men holding hands.

Anyone wanna buy a 52" LCD TV for $20? The volume button is missing, but for that price you can't turn it down!

These "foodbanks" are a total rip-off! I deposited some cake last week, and I went to take it out today. They had given it to sum1 else!

The word "efficient" should really be shorter.

I like to have a cigarette after a good meal. Thanks to my boyfriend, I don't smoke.

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman. So statistically speaking, it's probably a bird.

Before I started dating, I used to masturbate every week. But now, I have to do it every day!

Attention blondes: USB is not a backup plan in case USA fails.

I've only been dating my bf a few weeks and already the cracks have started to appear. He got a couple last night for answering me back!

"ELEVEN PLUS TWO" is an anagram of "TWELVE PLUS ONE". #mindblown

If muslims hate gays so much, why do they practice shoving their foreheads into a carpet while pushing their asses into the air 5x a day?!

I went through the bible to find the part that made the most sense. It's called, "This page is intentionally left blank."

My boyfriend says that my lying is ruining our relationship. That's not true. I think it's my big dick.

Bruce Jenner seems to be the only Olympian in history to take steroids to NOT deceive!

I tried to think of a really good clitoris joke to tell, but I just couldn't put my finger on it.

I've just been told to take my head out of my ass! Fuck that! I really want to win this game of Twister!

Kim, Kourtney, Khloé, Kris, Kylie, and Kendall must be PISSED that Caitlyn doesn't spell it with a "K"!

It's a shame they can't find the missing last part of the bible. I'd love to find out how Santa and the Easter Bunny killed god!

God must have had NO imagination if all he could think of was a plague of locusts... Someone in Hollywood thought of Sharknado!

I hate when I undress a man with my eyes and my OCD kicks in. I have to stop and fold his clothes.

Don't talk about Star Wars on the first date. It's a wookie mistake.

I just got a part in a play about cocaine addicts. I don't have any lines though.

New owners have taken over the snow globe factory where I work. I hope they don't come in and try to shake things up.

I'm so embarrassed... That YouTube video of me using incorrect words has gone virus!

I'm gonna tell you a joke about potassium, K?

I really need to stop masturbating on the staircase, but I'm taking it one step at a time.

Kanye should replace Zayn and kick the others out of the band. There's only One Direction, and it's West!

Q) How often do I tell bad chemistry jokes? A) Periodically.

My friend is half Japanese and half Native American. We call her Nissan Pathfinder.

BREAKING NEWS: Listening to Queen can cause autism! I blame the high Mercury content.

Q) What does the bible and the Kentucky Derby track have in common? A) They're both full of horse shit.

I just converted to a new religion. From now on, I'm more men.

Never trust an atom. They make up everything!

The inventor of those distorted funhouse mirrors died last night. His funeral will be held in asymmetry.

I wanted to tell a chemistry joke, but I'm afraid it won't get a good reaction.

I looooove people who can't understand sarcasm!

Contrary to the rumor started in the 90s, if you want to be my lover, please refrain from getting with my friends.

The pleasure is not in winning...nor in merely taking part. It's in making fun of the kid who always comes in last place!

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records...until I got kicked out of the library.

I've been teaching my friend's kid plurals. "More than one cow?" "Cows" "More than one goose?" "Geese" "More than one spider?" "SHIT!"

For those of you aroused by trombones and alcohol: HornPub will be launching soon!

I love shoes! I can eat whatever I want, and they always still fit!

I just saw a book about suicide on sale at the store. Good buy!

A homeless man asked me for spare change because he was hungry. Honestly...who the fuck eats coins?!

Religion is like HIV. Some are raised with it from birth, and some have it pounded into them. But the lucky ones can avoid it altogether!

Having found the "god particle", scientists at the Large Hadron Collider also detected an "allah particle"...then it blew itself up!

I have no idea how she died, your honor. She was alive when I buried her!

I never brag. That's one of my many, many outstanding features.

As a kid I loved riding my bike and leaving skid marks on the driveway. My dad would always yell, "Pull up your pants!"

"Unemployed" is my middle name. (My dad was reeeaaally bad at filling out forms!)

I have an idea for combining an Army food tent with a brothel, but I'm worried it'll be a fucking mess.

I'd love to be a courtroom sketch artist! These days, I'd get to meet all the people I loved as a kid on TV!

My bf's doctor told him to lay off the whisky or he'd be dead within a year. He asked what I thought. I gave it to him straight.

Now that dogs have been shown to be able to sniff out cancer, is this the end for the cat scan?

My boyfriend has a buddy over in the other room. They must have really nasty colds because I keep hearing them on the verge of sneezing.

What do we want? MORE ACRONYMS! When do we want 'em? ASAP!

Penis transplants are nothing new. Changing out useless pricks has been going on for a long time. We call it an "election".

I turned into a cat earlier. Don't ask meow.

Happy Mothers' Day, Mom! I miss you every day! :-(

As much as I like Hillary Clinton, the last job she had in the White House she outsourced to Monica Lewinsky...and Monica blew it!

My sense of humor is like marriage equality. Not everyone gets it.

Hey straight guys: If a girl tells you she's Lebanese, quit wasting your time! She's dyslexic and prefers girls!

It's not that hard to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you'll see in a while, and the other you'll see later.

At my age, "getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for!

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

Can someone please tell me if I've spelled "misogynistic" right? A man, preferably...

Poor Humpty Dumpty! If he had only taken a nice hot bath that day, he'd still be alive!

BBC News reported that dogs have been trained to detect prostate cancer. Jeez, I hope they'll trim the dogs' claws first!

I hate to imagine how many times I've been called a nerd. Luckily I won't have to once I finish this spreadsheet!

¡Feliz Cinco de Mayo!

A co-pilot walks into a library and asks where the books on suicide are located. She asks, "Will you be taking them all out with you?"

Ugh! Another work day sitting at a computer writing meaningless crap! I can't wait to get home so I can spend the evening on Facebook!

Ugh! Another work day sitting at a computer writing meaningless crap! I can't wait to get home so I can spend the evening on Facebook!

May the Fourth be with you.

Catholics & muslims could never trade places! Muslims don't like sex with 9-year-old boys & catholics don't like sex with 9-year-old girls!

B.I.B.L.E.: "Bullshit Inspired By Logic Evasion"

My penis is like a toaster. If the buns are scrawny, it'll destroy them!

I tried cocaine once. For eight years.

Ever since my friend joined the French Pedophilia Club he's been on Claude, nine.

Democracy: Where any two idiots outvote a genius.

If you ever go to a brothel in Bangkok, it's best to use cash for your trans action.

See that red line that your phone puts under words? It means they're misspelled!

Someone just asked me on Facebook if I support Nepal. Does anyone know when and where they are playing?

I must be betting older. Lately, all I'm looking for is a one-night sit.

At the gym... Just finished my 3rd set of selfies.

It's been weeks since I ordered a book on African migrants, but it still hasn't arrived. There must've been some problem with shipping.

Taylor Swift should really cancel her "Shake It Off" tour in Nepal this week!

The Teletubbies are adding a new cast member from North Africa. Sinky Winky's boat will be arriving in Italy any day now!

It's a real shame Google couldn't rescue their executive who died on Mt. Everest. I mean, it only took 0.37 seconds to find him!

Genesis: The oldest book in the joke!

My boyfriend called me gullible today. I almost dropped my bible!

Every day this week, I've caught my boyfriend masturbating with the help of my pool equipment. Even today, he was right on cue.

If Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter split up, who would get custody of Johnny Depp?

I was conceived during a blackout. My mother's.

I can't wait for ISIS to become WASWAS.

A bite from a Brazilian Wandering Spider can cause an erection, but you've gotta be pretty sick to get turned on by that kind of thing!

I'm a lot closer to my gay friends since I moved to the Middle East. They're just a stone's throw away.

A gay guy robs a bank, and while fleeing, a policeman yells, "Freeze punk!" The gay guy stops, turns around, and asks, "Free?"

Q: What did the nuclear physicist have for lunch? A: Fission chips.

Q: What's the difference between terrorism and democracy? A: Whether the United States is attacking or being attacked.

Women really should be climbing the corporate ladder. I mean, someone's got to clean the glass ceiling!

Never use marijuana and ecstasy together. You're not Pot/E trained!

I accidentally dropped marijuana into my mayonnaise. It reminded me of Holland Days.

Marijuana is a gateway drug! It leads to Cheetos.

I celebrate 4/20 on January 5th; I was taught to reduce my fractions!

Today's headline: "Marijuana Use Linked to Decreased Motivation". I wish I knew the details, but I couldn't be bothered to read it.

I called the Addiction Helpline today: "For help with marijuana addiction, press the hash key."

Just because marijuana is natural doesn't mean it's safe. You know what else is natural? Tigers.

I couldn't believe how popular marijuana was when I visited Amsterdam. It was in all the papers!

Christianity: One woman's lie about having an affair that got seriously out of hand.

Why do courts swear in witnesses using a book that would be thrown out due to lack of evidence?

My kinky new boyfriend said he wanted me to hurt him with anal sex. So I fucked his dad.

How do blonde twins tell each other apart?

I like my men how I like my bath water... So hot I can only stay in for 30 seconds.

Everyone seems worried about global warming, but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text!

I was searching the web for porn when my browser told me "Chrome cannot open this page." They must have been stuck together.

I have a ninedency to underestimate things.

My roommate said he wasn't very comfortable when I asked him to perform oral sex on me. So I bought him a pillow.

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

Georgia: Where you're free to marry your first cousin, just not if you're gay!

My boyfriend just told me he's sick of cleaning up after me. I don't know what he's talking about. I don't even clean up!

Voting in the Republican primary is like buying a Fleshlight. No matter which one you choose, you end up with a cunt you're ashamed of.

Schwarzenegger could never be president of the United States! Look at what happened last time an Austrian took over a foreign country.

The bible says "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I think god is telling me to grope my hot neighbor.

I saw the worst faith healer today. He was so terrible that even the people in wheelchairs walked out!

Don't change your iPhone language to German. If you try to put it in airplane mode, it locks you out and then crashes.

I just read that, by law, you must turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden. How are we gonna know when it's raining in Sweden?!

I think men would pay more attention to feminists if they put on a nice dress and wore a bit of makeup.

My buddy's girlfriend is pregnant, so he's been tiptoeing around the house. Putting all his stuff in a bag.

Investigators say the Germanwings copilot suffered from manic depression. One minute he was up, the next he was down.

Q: What's the difference between a ginger and a good Facebook status? A: A good Facebook status is liked.

In a survival situation, you can drink you own urine. Fortunately, the Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the glass.

The gold Apple Watch is $10,000?! If I wanted to spend that much on something that will be obsolete in 2 years, I'd buy an engagement ring!

I often have fantasies about guys I met in college, even though I'm in a relationship. Does that make a bad boyfriend? Or a bad professor?

I failed history in high school, but one day I'll go back and conquer it. Just like Henry VIII did to Hitler.

German pilots have the worst taste in jokes! "Knock knock." Nothing...

An ATM just charged me $4.00 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent theft. Pretty ironic, if you ask me!

So Jesus was crucified on Good Friday and rose from the dead on Easter Sunday, just in time for half-priced eggs. Typical Jew!

How to make Easter easier: Replace the "t" with an "i".

And lo, Jesus said unto his apostles, "Don't touch my fucking Easter eggs. I'll be back on Monday."

Today's the day Judas realized his April Fool's joke had gone too far.

When I'm in doubt I ask myself "What Would Jesus Do?" But then I remember he was crucified, so his decision making skills weren't great.

I love Jesus! He's born, I get presents. He dies, I get chocolate.

Happy Zombie Jesus Day! (aka Easter)

Statistically, 1 out of 150 people enjoy suicide.

I tried using a colander to view the recent eclipse. I think I strained my eyes.

Did you hear the one about the drummer who was depressed about his bad timing? He threw himself behind a train.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

Pornography only gets called by its full name when it's in trouble.

Q: How is stabbing a hot dog with a fork like Zayn quitting One Direction? A: It leaves 4 little pricks.

My friend just told me that I make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. How hurtful! It ruined our bath!

The world's most masculine name is "Guy Chapman". It might as well be "Male Malemale"!

My body is well-defined...if you just look up the word "flabby".

I wrote "DIVORCE" and my husband wrote "YES". Tough way to find out, but at least I won our game of Scrabble.

Am I the only one that finds it ironic that One Direction has gone their separate ways?

I took my friend's kid down to the park this morning to feed the ducks. The ungrateful bastards spit her out!

Happy April Fool's Day!