Have you heard the one about the baby with SIDS? It never gets old!

I don't know why the media was surprised by the poor living conditions in Sochi! You ban gays and interior design is going to suffer!

Note: The 10-Second Rule does NOT apply to soup!

Jokes that don't make sense are just microwave.

I wonder if any dolphins have "swim with humans" on their bucket list.

My friend who works at the postal service told everyone a joke at the bar last night. But no one got it.

I was really happy when my friend told me she was a professional Singer! I have tons of things that need sewing!

My friend got a job as a human cannonball. When he got fired, he went ballistic!

Want to hear a construction joke? I'm working on it.

I was so ugly as a baby that when my mom breastfed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

I just heard they're making a prequel to "Die Hard". It's called "Old Habits".

Q: What do you call a book club that has been on the same book for thousands of years? A: The church.

According to chemistry, alcohol IS a solution!

I drank enough last night to kill a small horse, but I decided not to.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm using my hand, but I'm thinking of you!"

If you're thinking of giving your boyfriend art supplies for Valentine's Day, remember that he's really prefer a felt tip.

This is the first Valentine's Day I've been single in years! I'm kind of excited. I just hope my bf feels the same way when he finds out.

I think it's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved today, February 13th, than any other day of the year!

I found my true love in Venice. I hacked the Witness Protection Program.

I went to a hemorrhoids lecture It was standing room only!

I called 911 to report that my pants were on fire, but they didn't believe me.

I tried to mug a guy with a prosthetic leg, but he got away. I really should've used a more practical weapon!

I've gained 8 pounds by telling people I'm going to feed some ducks then just eating a loaf of bread in my car.

My proctologist seemed a little uneasy when I slid my finger in alongside his.

Jokes about cliques aren't for everybody.

There's no need to scream god's name during sex. He's already watching.

It's funny how religious people refuse to believe in evolution because there's "no proof". Since when did they start needing proof?!

It's weird how corn maintains its original shape after you poo. It's a shame it tastes totally different though...

It's official. I'm homeless! There's a huge spider on my front door.

I'm entering the Olympic masturbation competition this year. I hear there's some very stiff competition.

Seems like the last great run made by a Bronco was when OJ Simpson was in one!

I really wish these were the Summer Olympics instead! I hear there's a female weightlifter with an amazing snatch!!

Anyone get the feeling that the Winter Olympics are only around so that white people have a chance to win medals too?

I tried to upload a recording of the Super Bowl onto Xtube, but was informed they don't allow rape videos.

Every novel is a mystery if you don't finish it.

I wouldn't know domestic violence if it slapped me in the face.

Garbage bag commercials sure overestimate the amount of spaghetti people throw away!

I wanted to play an ironic practical joke on my friend, so I tea-bagged his coffee.

I once invented a belt made out of watches. It was a waist of time.

The church is in trouble again over child molestation allegations. They should never let a boy to do a man's knob!

Praying for your team won't help Contrary to popular belief, god wouldn't give a fuck about football even if he was real!

Apparently you're seen as "weird" or "creepy" if you go to the movies alone, so I brought my cat.

My boyfriend said he was breaking up with me because of my obsession with rhyming. I nearly choked on my tea; what terrible timing!