From Twitter 07-30-2010

• 08:00:28: When the shit hits the fan, your toilet is probably in the wrong place!
  
• 15:00:42: I feel so sorry for Justin Bieber. Everyone picks on her.
  
• 15:35:44: QASA: 98.5%
  WOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
  
• 22:00:39: The Catholic church doesn't approve of homosexuality...unless it's between a consenting adult and a choirboy.
  

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From Twitter 07-29-2010

• 08:00:20: I've got the memory of an elephant. I remember one time I went to the zoo and saw an elephant.
  
• 15:00:44: I wonder how many mimes have died because nobody believed they were choking...
  
• 22:00:29: With the success of "Toy Story 3", BP is in talks with Disney to produce "Try Finding Nemo NOW!"
  

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From Twitter 07-28-2010

• 08:00:22: "Rap" is to "music" as "Etch-A-Sketch" is to "fine art".
  
• 15:00:28: I spent most of last night in jail. Try as I might, I just couldn't roll a fucking double!!
  
• 22:06:34: Does anyone else find it strange that only ONE company makes Monopoly?!?! (Thanks to Karen Elder for that one!)
  

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From Twitter 07-27-2010

• 15:00:15: I just heard the CEO of BP is going to step down. It's not official yet...it just leaked out.
  
• 15:17:38: Having a great time on vacation with the Starbuck Twins (@LilyStarbuck & @StarbucksTink), @Ice9Tre, & @PhoenixCub!! :-)
  
• 22:00:16: Roman Polanski: The five foot pole you wouldn't touch a 13 year old with.
  
• 22:09:52: With @lilystarbuck, @starbuckstink, @ice9tre, & @phoenixcub for some boozin'!! :-) (@ Jimmy Buffett's Margaritaville w/ @phoenixcub)
  

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From Twitter 07-26-2010

• 08:01:19: When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it's for them??
  
• 15:00:16: I got thrown out of a mosque today. I saw all the shoes outside and asked if I could use their bounce house!!
  
• 22:00:23: For an easy laugh, try slipping a party popper into your wife's tampon box!!
  

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From Twitter 07-25-2010

• 08:00:41: I'm often accused of eavesdropping. I just wish they'd have the guts to say it to my face!!
  
• 22:00:23: X
  
• 23:09:46: I'm at Girls of Glitter Gulch (20 E Fremont, Las Vegas). http://4sq.com/7KA0GN
  

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From Twitter 07-24-2010

• 08:00:16: Is karate for amputees called Partial Arts??
  
• 16:02:15: Who's teaching all these homeless people how to play musical instruments?!?!
  
• 19:33:12: I'm eating dinner at @HashHouseLV!!! I love this place!
  
• 22:00:36: My sex life is like Star Wars. I'm either doing it with my hands, solo, or I'm having to use the force.
  

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From Twitter 07-23-2010

• 08:00:28: My wife is always accusing me of making stuff up. I wouldn't mind...if I were married.
  
• 15:01:27: Women should be like pens... Silent and disposable!
  (Thanks to @CitizenKurt for that one!!)
  
• 22:00:31: Sex is for people who can't afford Xbox Live memberships!!
  

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From Twitter 07-22-2010

• 08:40:36: I was in a bar fight last night. Someone hit me over the head with a stool. I'm still picking shit out my hair.
  
• 15:17:33: Statistically, does only 50% of a zebra actually work?
  
• 16:15:29: I just ousted @copadave as the mayor of Petro #315 on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9hDtOI
  
• 17:44:06: I just became the mayor of Nevada & Arizona Border on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/9W4eOD
  
• 22:00:26: Q: What do you call a Chinese guy with a camera?
  A: Japanese.
  

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From Twitter 07-21-2010

• 08:01:54: iPhone App Idea: "Payphone Locator" for when you need a reliable connection to make a phone call.
  
• 15:00:16: I don't think Gary Coleman is actually dead. I think he's just been adopted by Madonna...
  
• 18:07:13: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:30: Michael Jackson would've loved to have met Justin Bieber before he died.
  

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From Twitter 07-20-2010

• 08:00:16: To anyone thinking about buying an autobiography: I don't want to ruin the ending for you, but they write a book.
  
• 15:00:16: PHOTO: I don't even wanna know what's going on at the neighbor's place!! http://mikeyp.us/uehhj
  
• 22:00:17: Golf. The only time a man should have to hold an iron.
  

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From Twitter 07-19-2010

• 07:03:24: Ad: You can save big by comparing car insurance quotes at InsWeb. It's fast, easy and free! http://spn.tw/tnsWN
  
• 08:00:42: I'm such a pessimist that even my blood type is negative!!
  
• 15:01:29: My life is so boring, Nicholas Cage should star in it!
  
• 22:00:20: Wouldn't it be ironic if Pinocchio was Jewish?!
  

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From Twitter 07-18-2010

• 08:00:18: FACT: An anagram of "Mother-in-law' is "Woman Hitler".
  
• 09:13:11: Advertisement: http://spn.tw/tnjVV Online Degrees & Pell Grants! Find the right School, Program, & Financial Aid!
  
• 11:15:22: Ad: Find the right Online Program to earn an online degree. http://spn.tw/tnsWD
  
• 15:00:33: Golf: A sport where foursomes are encouraged, u show off ur wood, polish ur balls, & it's ok 2 have a short shaft.
  
• 15:23:57: I'm at Harrah's Ak-Chin Casino (15406 Maricopa Road, Maricopa). http://4sq.com/6CA8I4
  
• 15:24:42: I just ousted @isaackiehl as the mayor of Maricopa Business Barn on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/aqy2c2
  
• 15:28:49: Uuuugh!! Food coma!! :-/
  
• 22:00:33: Q: What's the smallest part of a BMW?
  A: The driver's dick.
  

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From Twitter 07-17-2010

• 06:01:43: It's 91F right now...at 6AM!! Please kill me!!!!!
  
• 08:00:36: If copying DVDs is stealing, is taking a photo kidnapping?!
  
• 15:00:25: I just found some canned meat in my kitchen. When I opened it, 20 more cans appeared!! Fucking spam!!
  
• 18:01:10: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:24: If you thought I wouldn't post another joke about bukkake...HA! In your face!!
  

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From Twitter 07-16-2010

• 08:00:43: Q: What started feminism?
  A: An unlocked kitchen door.
  
• 15:00:34: Cocaine is never a solution. Unless, of course, you dissolve it in water...
  
• 22:00:22: 7-Up. To you and I, a delicious carbonated beverage. To Snow White, an exhausting evening in!
  

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From Twitter 07-15-2010

• 08:01:37: It sure is Chile in here with no doors or windows.
  
• 15:00:26: On my break I had a strawberry, 2 cherries, & a bunch of funny little yellow dots. It was a Pac Lunch.
  
• 22:00:31: Q: What's the difference between children and Sundays?
  A: Michael Jackson never preyed on Sundays.
  

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From Twitter 07-14-2010

• 08:00:39: My motto is "Never say never", which makes it difficult to tell people my motto...
  
• 09:25:49: Ad: You can earn real money for checkins and tasks on the iPhone with @wereward http://spn.tw/tnjTb
  
• 10:30:20: Ad: Guitar Hero 5 Bundle for Nintendo Wii + FREE DJ Hero Bundle - A $180 Value, Now $89.99 @Toysrus.com WOW!!! http://spn.tw/tnjUN
  
• 12:57:19: Ad: Visit the @SwissArmy Facebook fan page to win #Victorinox Swiss Army products & compete 4 a $25k Ultimate Adventure! http://spn.tw/tndRN
  
• 15:00:42: Paris Hilton says that bees frighten her. I bet the rest of the alphabet does too!
  
• 22:00:27: I was driving to work today and saw a woman driving with her hazard lights on. At least she's honest!
  

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From Twitter 07-13-2010

• 00:27:11: Texting FROM the Pai Gow table at @CaesarsPalace BECAUSE I CAN!! They've eased up!! :-)
  
• 03:21:27: Totally drunk. In Vegas. Lady Luck's a bitch and karma hates me...
  
• 08:00:17: If at first you don't succeed...try doing it the way your husband told you!
  
• 15:01:28: Q: What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
  A: Christopher Walken
  
• 18:15:54: I just ousted @tbyrd520 as the mayor of Penis Gigantus on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/dvuHed
  
• 22:01:00: Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of a ginger guy?
  A: A tattoo!
  
• 22:39:07: I just ousted @brent875 as the mayor of Standard (Chevron) on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/4uyMkP
  

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From Twitter 07-12-2010

• 08:00:32: The other day I bumped into a man who reminded me of my dad. He said "remember your dad".
  
• 15:00:18: My boyfriend left me because he thinks I love Survivor more than him. We were together for 20 seasons.
  
• 22:00:18: If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut!!
  

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From Twitter 07-11-2010

• 08:00:45: I used to be against organ donation, but I've had a change of heart.
  
• 15:00:39: Someone called me a douchebag the other day. I almost dropped my Twilight books!!
  
• 21:06:13: I think I just ran over a mouse trying to cross the highway... :'-(
  
• 22:01:36: A gay guy just asked me if I liked to blow people. I told him I'm not a fan.
  
• 23:01:23: An actual non-phantom check-in!! @PhoenixCub (@ Petro Stopping Center) http://4sq.com/5NzVCA
  

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From Twitter 07-10-2010

• 08:00:27: A contact lens, painted black, makes an ideal hat for a Jewish hamster!!
  
• 15:00:36: My friend's career as a model is over now that she's considered "too fat". At least she has plenty to fall back on.
  
• 22:00:20: The only thing porn leaves to the imagination is the plot!
  

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From Twitter 07-09-2010

• 08:00:32: Google now has four search filters: None, Moderate, Strict, and China.
  
• 15:00:34: "You say tomato and I say tomato" somehow loses something in written form.
  
• 22:00:31: Q: What's hard and 7 inches long? A: My pen is.
  

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From Twitter 07-08-2010

• 00:14:23: Wow! A country remix of Train's "Hey, Soul Sister"! I love it!!!
  
• 03:10:03: I just ousted @juniperrenee as the mayor of Mobil on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/chfkTs
  
• 03:10:25: I just became the mayor of Dairy Queen on @foursquare! http://4sq.com/b6tLpX
  
• 04:56:07: Why does the @CatGenie only fuck up when I'm on vacation?! How long have my cats been without a litter box? Now I get to hunt for accidents!
  
• 08:00:22: If you don't think I'm a "nosy bastard", why did you put it in your diary?!
  
• 15:00:21: I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way: Through the driver's door!!
  
• 20:22:04: In-N-Out Burger, #BigBrother, and #BigBrotherAfterDark... Tonight couldn't be better!! :-) #bb #bbad
  
• 22:00:31: My boyfriend told me he wants to open a joint account. Screw that!! He can post his own damn jokes!!
  
• 22:40:33: ROFL RT @MixMutt [DOMA] was ruled unconstitutional! The Gay Agenda is totally working! I'm gonna indoctrinate some kids this afternoon!
  
• 22:54:26: RT @_Grayson It is funny to watch these people on Big Brother hang on to these big weinners
  
• 22:55:51: RT @ibod8x5: Buzz: Vaccine Breakthrough Finds Antibody That Kills 91% Of HIV Strains - Joe. My. God. http://goo.gl/fb/icLP8
  

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From Twitter 07-07-2010

• 04:44:32: Red Rock is really pretty but their shit is sooo rigged. Someone call the Gaming Commission...
  
• 05:54:00: "Toaster calculus = Fruit berry lake of friendship." - @Ice9Tre (God I wanna try his Ambien!!!)
  
• 08:00:23: I was in an elevator when this guy bet me $10 that I didn't know how to operate it. So I took him up on it.
  
• 15:00:36: I'm turning Rastafarian, but i'm worried about the stress it will put on my hair... I'm dreading it!
  
• 18:02:09: Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.
  
• 22:00:25: I invited my impotent friend to a bukkake party, but he didn't come.
  

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From Twitter 07-06-2010

• 06:13:55: "You had 5 cards and the Joker was like a coffee pot and a flower pot." - @Ice9Tre
  
• 08:00:29: "Welcome to The Alzheimer's information web page. Please enter your 36 digit password."
  
• 15:00:17: Someone told me to think of a joke about rebellion, so I didn't.
  
• 22:00:37: Redhead Oral Sex: It's ginger lickin' wood!!
  

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From Twitter 07-05-2010

• 05:14:22: Announcement: It has come to my attention that 'man dribblins' has 2 'B's in it, not just 1. That is all.
  
• 12:32:15: A friend of mine just lost all his fingers in a horrible accident. I can't even imagine how he feels.
  
• 15:00:50: Predictive text is for aunts.
  
• 16:40:54: Someone actually STOLE my mayorship?!?! WTF?! LOL (@ Penis Gigantus) http://4sq.com/dvuHed
  
• 22:00:24: I made a joke about a blow-up doll at a party last night. It went down quite well.
  

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From Twitter 07-04-2010

• 08:00:29: I just quit my job as a butler in a stately home. I refuse to be ordered around in that manor.
  
• 15:00:23: I'm really starting to hate these stupid little Russian nesting dolls. They're so full of themselves!
  
• 22:00:25: Opinions are like orgasms. Mine's always more important and it doesn't matter to me if you have one or not.
  

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From Twitter 07-03-2010

• 03:51:17: I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger...
  
• 08:00:38: Q: What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
  A: Someone who points out the obvious.
  
• 14:00:38: Migraine before work... Fan-fucking-tastic!! :-(
  
• 15:00:19: I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now...
  
• 18:01:34: $100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).
  
• 22:00:19: I say I have a dark sense of humor, but my friends would call it 'racist'.
  
• 22:51:27: I hate that ghetto-ass customers made it so that I'm not allowed to use the fitting room right now. Wish I hadn't wasted my time shopping!
  

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From Twitter 07-02-2010

• 18:27:52: Seven hours of casino play last night at @Harrahs_AkChin and I lost only $4. Not bad at all!!
  
• 18:28:07: "Mark your lessers with man driblins!! Only $25.99!!" @Ice9Tre
  
• 18:28:31: Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blu Ray? I don't need any more drink coasters!
  
• 23:07:16: My boyfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
  

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From Twitter 07-01-2010

• 07:01:55: Ugh... Radio just said high today will be 110F. But right now, at SEVEN AM, it's 90F! God I hate it here!!
  
• 08:00:29: There comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive the rest of the day.
  
• 15:00:19: I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option!!
  
• 22:00:39: Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty and you can wear them forever!
  

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From Twitter 06-30-2010

• 08:01:07: Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood!
  
• 15:00:31: I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
  
• 22:00:31: Bad decisions make good stories!
  

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