I'm finishing up a book about human anatomy. I'm up to the appendix.

I went outside once. The graphics were okay, but the gameplay and storylines were terrible.

I wish more liquor stores had Black Friday sales!

Black Friday: A day we're willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what we're ALREADY thankful for.

You know what? I don't see color. I just see people. I will just be calling it Friday.

Black Friday is a scam! You should be mad they overcharge you the other 364 days a year!

I'm so glad the pilgrims shot a turkey for their feast instead of a mountain lion or we'd all have to eat pussy for Thanksgiving!

Yeah baby! Reach in and grab those giblets!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!

Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

Talk about huge breasts!

And he forces his way into the end zone... ;-)

If I don't undo my pants now, I'm gonna burst! ;-)

When I push on the tip all its gravy squirts out! ;-)

That's one terrific spread!

Q: What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? A: Turkey feathers. Duh!

Happy Thanksgiving!

If at first you don't succeed, get drunk and try again. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad Pole?

Getting black-out drunk would be so much cooler if no one else could remember it either!

Missing: $500 Reward. If you return it, you get a cat!

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix it, he will! No need to remind him every 6 months about it!

Always remember, "i" before "e"...unless you're running a feisty heist on your weird beige neighbor.

If there was such a thing as a Dog, he wouldn't make people dyslexic!

Jesus says, "Come forth, and I will give you eternal glory." I hear fifth place is a toaster!

Sex with my boyfriend was rough last night. I opened my eyes.

You wanna cry? Try using a tissue! It works much better than your Facebook status.

Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn't need to tell everyone about it?

Just read some statistics on the most common way that people walk when drunk... It's staggering.

You know what really pisses me off? People who answer their own questions.

You can't judge a cover by the book either.

Men are like video games. When they get too difficult, you have to cheat!

Some skinny girl just made fun of my weight problem, but I didn't get angry. I guess I really am the bigger person!

I force my cats to watch those animal abuse commercials just to show them how good they have it.

Does the Arachnophobia Society has a web site?

There are about 20 members at my epilepsy awareness meetings now. We meet in a small room, but we all fit in there nicely.

I just started following the French military on Twitter. They're famous for retweeting.

Virginity is a lot like rational thinking. If you happen to visit the church regularly, you'll probably lose it before you're 14.

You think YOU have lag? It took Jesus 3 days to respawn!

"Fancy a shag?" is not the best way to greet customers at Carpeteria.

Wow, the Ukrainian Paralympics team is massive! Looks like Chernobyl finally paid off!

I might as well be a proctologist... I'm already surrounded by assholes all day!

Time heals all wounds...as most video game designers will tell you.

My new boyfriend is a cage fighter. They all are for the first day or two at least.

We had a team-building competition at work, and I won!

I've always wondered which is more important: length or girth? Turns out it's consent!

I watched The Elephant Man for the first time and I was extremely disappointed. He wasn't even a fucking superhero!

If you truly love someone, set them free. If they come back to you with the police, you shouldn't have let them go in the first place.

Bad metaphors really make my goat boil.

If karma is real, why don't pigeons get shit on?!

I like my bank's service of texting me my account balance...I just don't like it when they add 'LOL' at the end.

Jesus fed 5,000 people fish and Muhammed raped a child... That's the difference between net prophet and gross prophet.

Why the hell are defendants sworn in on a book that would be thrown out due to lack of evidence?

Poop is a really crappy palindrome!

I met a Russian doll She was so full of herself!!

I just watched my first gay porn and it really got me thinking... I can't believe how much skinnier I was back then!!

I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic. My doctor says I may have buy polar disorder.

All women have a good side. It's the one without the vagina.

A war horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long film?"

The best part about watching porn on my phone is being able to choke myself with my headphones at the same time.

Don't loan people money. It gives them amnesia!

That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling.

"Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote." ~George Jean Nathan

Stephen Hawking claims his wife is amazing in bed. She must really know how to push his buttons!

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Never let your kids go near a dog without a collar...or a man who wears one.

I don't quit my local priest for leaving the church. I'd quit too if my boss never showed up!

If I post again in 59 minutes, it would technically be posted before this one, right?

I just got back from a date with a guy who works at the stock exchange. He kept playing FTSE under the table.

I saw a band last night called Déjà Vu. Have you heard them before?

I have a rape whistle. I don't need one...I just like to keep souvenirs!

According to the Aztec calendar, we have to wait until March 26, 2407 for jack shit to happen again.

¡Feliz Día de Muertos!