HAPPY NEW YEAR!! (Too bad it's apparently the last one! LOL)

Goodbye 2011! You really sucked. I'm not going to miss you!!

My New Year's resolution is to stop being such a handsome narcissist.

Finally saw Driving Miss Daisy!

Everyone should play fetch with small children. Otherwise their teeth overtake their face. FACT!

Q: What do you call male tampons? A: Bachelor Pads.

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I ran over Gloria Gaynor in my car last night. I was only going about 30mph, so there's an 80% chance She Will Survive.

I got drunk & had sex w/my best friend. Now I can't even bring myself 2 talk 2 him. I don't even want 2 play fetch w/him!

Q: You know what's whiskey? A: Wussian Woulette!

My roomie came into the room & asked me what was on TV. Shit! I think it might be cum! I was wondering where it landed!!

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My boyfriend broke up with me because of my addiction to herbs and seasoning. I begged him to give it some thyme.

I'd like to think high heels were invented so women could put away dishes on the top shelf!

Any cops or detectives out there willing to offer some advice?

I've always thought about carrying a donor card, but I've never had the heart.

Just learned from the cops that "Boxing Day" isn't a good excuse 4 beating the shit out of ur noisy upstairs neighbor!

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No one likes the idea of their mom having sex, but starting a religion based on the idea that she never did is ridiculous!

If we're all God's children, then what's so special about Jesus?

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

My boyfriend broke up with me because I stole his wheelchair again. It's ok though...he always comes crawling back!

Loving Google's dancing lights and music on their search page today!!

My friend sent me a blank email. His message was clear.

Merry Christmas Eve!!

I do a good impersonation of Piglet, but my Pooh stinks!

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My doctor just told me I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I don't know what that is but it sounds fucking scary!

Why is there no super awesome Harry Potter®©™ slot machine yet?! :-P

Anyone who says I'm gullible can kiss my ass! I'm picking up my lottery winnings from Nigeria later this week!

"While the pessimist, optimist and realist argued over the merits of the cup, I drank the water." -The Opportunist

"While the pessimist, optimist and realist argued over the merits of the cup, I drank the water." -The Opportunist

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Humor Hotline: Call 631-960-7188 for drunk holiday thoughts!

Mar-riage [mar-ij] -noun: Betting someone half your shit that you'll love them forever.

Another eBay Listing: Hitachi C50-FD2000 Projection 50" HDTV for Repair or for Parts http://goo.gl/NfDHB (Please RT!)

My eBay listing! RARE Margaritaville Casino Las Vegas Lime Chip: http://goo.gl/H41Ct (Offering offline too!) Please RT!

Ever notice that "beer can" with a British accent sounds like "bacon" with a Jamaican accent?!

Apparently the Popemobile has 3 inch thick bullet-proof glass. There's fucking faith for you!

Why do parents think their kids look adorable when they lose their teeth? They look like tiny little homeless people!

Cool! Eric Stonestreet and the guy from the Sony PlayStation commercials pranking a guy on Scare Tactics from 2009! Nice!

"Some clowns make you laugh...and some make you DIE!!" I love Scare Tactics!! LOL

The French only fought a Revolutionary War because it's the only one they could win!

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Enough is enough. It's the exact same word!

Catholicism is like a library: Full of weirdos doing inappropriate things in the children's section.

Awesome!!! I'm so happy for Sophie! Anything would have been better than Coach!! #Survivor

Poor Ozzy. I didn't want him to win, but it sucks to lose at the last minute like that! #Survivor

Born again Christians really annoy me. Jesus, in particular.

If disabled people really want to be treated equally, why aren't their spaces randomly strewn across the parking lot?

Don't you hate it when Wikipedia copies your homework?!

Santa's an asshole! He gives more expensive gifts to the wealthier children!

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"Safety first" is a great phrase! It even follows its own advice!

Bulimia makes me want to vomit!

I wanted to buy myself a ventriloquist dummy for my birthday, but it was already spoken for.

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him!!

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I've been dating a homeless man recently, and I think it's getting serious. He asked me to move out with him!

A message to religious folks: When you're done murdering & imprisoning each other, can we have our planet back please?!

What does Michael Myers do when its not Halloween?!

I love this time of year! U can slam ur laptop shut when ur bf walks into the room & not get accused of anything dirty!

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Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank, but give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

Not many people know, but Jesus had a pretty great sex life! He got laid in a manger and nailed on a cross!

So all three wise men came with gifts for Baby Jesus?! Someone seriously fucked up that year's Secret Santa!!

If babies come from the stork, who fucks the stork??

How is it that most of the people in this country are a minority?!

It's very hard to tell the difference between a breast cancer marathon and a lesbian pride parade.

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"You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?" DUDE! SHUT UP!!

"You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? You know what I'm saying? You know what I mean?" DUDE! SHUT UP!!

Q: What has two wings and a halo? A: A Chinese telephone.

I was mortified when the window washer looked in & saw me masturbating. Thankfully the light turned green right away!

I was thinking of getting contact lenses. But I always think my face looks a bit blurry without my glasses.

Have u heard that laptop wifi can damage ur sperm? Well, I bet it's not as much damage as sperm can cause to ur laptop!

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The first rule of Thesaurus Club is you don't talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, or chat about Thesaurus Club.

Two midgets are in a room when one pulls out a joint. He smiles at his friend and says, "Hey dude, wanna get medium?"

I had an interview today & just wore a t-shirt. They said I was underdressed. I guess I could have at least worn underwear!

Q: What's the difference between Santa and my penis? A: Most kids like when Santa comes!

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I had a crazy dream last night that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg!

Mary: "I'm pregnant. It's not yours. I'm sorry." Joseph: "Holy fuck!" Mary: "Funny you should say that..."

Catholocism: The belief that a 2,000 year old Jewish zombie will get angry if you masturbate.

It's not necrophilia until the coroner is called in!

Why should I learn algebra? Finding X is only useful if you're a pirate!

My boyfriend is leaving me because of my obsession with Family Guy. What the deuce?!

A donkey just ate my Christmas tree... Total pine in the ass!

Uh oh! Santa's PISSED!!! Call 631-960-7160 (by Humor Hotlines)

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If the Ku Klux Klan thinks white people are better, why do they dress like Muslim women?!

Justin Bieber: "I just wanna spend Christmas w/ my family." I wonder what he's getting his son for his 1st Christmas...

Next year I'm giving up lent for alcohol.

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My bf dumped me bcuz he said I'm too immature. Well the joke's on him bcuz that little comment just got him banned from my treehouse!

I trashed a perfectly good bottle of roofies, but I think I misunderstood the part on the bottle that said "Best Before Date".

Uuuummm, so you're asking me to not tell lies...by swearing on the Bible?!?!

My life has hit an all-time low. I'm stuck as a cook in a Chinese restaurant. It's so bad I'm considering chop sueycide!

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The woman whose life I just saved said she was repulsed by my CPR technique! Isn't that the point?!

Q: Why don't Catholics use condoms? A: Because altar boys can't get pregnant!

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

Sure Jesus loves you, but does he swallow?!

"Christmas comes but once a year, and I think it just did!!" OMFG I freakin' LOVE #2BrokeGirls!!!!

I'm sick of assholes hassling me about recycling! Next time I'll reuse one of my shopping bags to suffocate the fucker!!

I'm in crisis mode! If everyone reading this PayPals me just $1 each, I'll be able to pay my rent. Please help me. :-'( [email protected]

Q: Why is the day after Thanksgiving called Black Friday? A: To match the mood of all those angry shoppers!

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My thoughts go out to the families of anyone killed in today's Black Friday stampedes...

Ok... *NOW* it's ok to play Christmas music and put up Christmas decorations!

Now that the shops have just opened I can wish everyone a Happy Rebecca Black Friday Friday!!

Thank goodness the pilgrims used a turkey for Thanksgiving and not a cat or else we'd have to eat pussy every November!

Wouldn't it be great if they celebrated Thanksgiving in Turkey?!

April showers bring May flowers, but Mayflowers bring pilgrims!

Happy Thanksgiving!!! :-D

I hit my bf last night. I was so heated & it was a spur of the moment thing. He was mad at first. Best wank I've had in a while!

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My life-long ambition is to live forever!

I just heard that Mohammed Ali delivered a eulogy for his friend the other day! It must've been a moving tribute.

Being a person is too complicated. Time to be a unicorn!

Why don't people believe in sex before marriage when clearly it's sex *after* marriage that doesn't exist?!

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People who don't like their beliefs being laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs.

I was blessed with a giant penis. Looking back, I think the priest took advantage of me...

Religion is for people who don't understand science.

Personal domain problem fixed. Email to me is working again! :-)

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In the hospital waiting room, I noticed a sign that said, "CCTV In Operation". I hope it's gonna be ok!

My ex-friend disgusts me! He'd always come over w/ lipstick on his mouth. Couldn't he just leave that poor dog alone?!

Since my friend was diagnosed with IBS he's become such a party pooper.

I tried to comfort my friend who just had a stroke by telling him a few jokes. He couldn't keep a straight face.

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With the world population now around 7 billion, Waldo is becoming more and more difficult to find!

I'm getting really frustrated with my boyfriend. He's been taking self-defense classes and has already learned to duck!

OMG So freaky! http://youtu.be/eI_uUKD18No (not for the faint of heart!)

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

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I just had a boxing match with a Star Wars character. I won, Han's down.

My parents filled my head w/ nonsense like Santa & the Tooth Fairy. Well now I'm older & don't fall for that shit anymore, thank God!

Religion: Giving people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

My bf caught my fucking my buddy & said, "You can't do this to me!" I said, "I know...that's why I'm doing it to him!"

The only time I ever 'go the extra mile' for my job is when I fall asleep on the bus home.

Why do the cars in Terra Nova have no doors?! Helloooooo??!?!?!!! Dinosaurs!!!

My ex left me because he said I'm too depressing. But who cares?! We're all going to die eventually anyway...

Hitman: Someone who kills people for money. Hitwoman: Someone who doesn't know when to shut her fucking mouth.

Hitman: Someone who kills people for money. Hitwoman: Someone who doesn't know when to shut her fucking mouth.

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My ex left me because he said I'm too depressing. But who cares?! We're all going to die eventually anyway...

Happy 11/11/11 at 11:11!!

Happy 11/11/11 at 11:11!!

Happy 11/11/11, everyone!

Great line on 'Mike & Molly' this week: "You can't shake a whore tree and expect an angel to fall out!" ROFL

You know what the big problem with racism is? It never works!

I thought I had a fairy tale relationship, but the outlook is Grimm.

My boyfriend pulled a muscle during some really awkward sex positions he forced me to try. I guess that's karma-sutra!

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I don't have a short temper, I just have a quick reaction to bullshit.

I like to mix business with pleasure, so I raped my boss.

My boyfriend kept me awake all last night with his head in the toilet. That should teach him not to talk back to me!

I finally gave in just now and masturbated for the first time in a month. I can't believe how far I've come.

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Trip out! Dr. Pepper mixed with Strawberry Fanta tastes exactly like a Watermelon Jolly Rancher!!

My ex left me because he said I'm addicted to oxymorons. Oh well... He was pretty ugly anyway!

My slutty niece is pregnant and claims to have never slept with her boyfriend. Dibs on naming the religion after me!!

Atheism: "The universe has infinite complexities which we try to understand." Religion: "The magic sky-man made it all. Now gimme money."

Google Gravity?! The page still works! Do an "I'm Feeling Lucky" Google search for Google Gravity: http://lmgtfy.com/?q=Google+Gravity&l=1

OMG How cool! If you go to Google at type "do a barrel roll", it WILL!!!! Hahaha

Worrisome Adam Lambert lyrics: "Give you fever, fever". I doubt many of his lovers have the immune system to handle it!

"I just got in a fight with myself over something I have no business being involved in." -Dane Cook

Last night I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up... They were pissed!

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I have a real flare for arson.

My friend told me that pineapple juice makes cum taste better, but I prefer my pineapple juice by itself!

So many people die because of alcohol...but so many are born because of it, so it all works out!

Q: If you have a moth ball in each hand, what do you have? A: A fucking gigantic moth!

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Unscramble these words: 1) PNEIS 2) HTIELR 3) NGGERI 4) BUTTSXE Answers: 1) Spine 2) Lither 3) Ginger 4) Subtext

ThereOnceWasAYoungGirlNamedMaddie WhoWasLostByHerMommy&Daddy. IDon'tThinkShe'sDead. She'sJustGivingHead ToSomeGuyInAPortugueseAlley!

I'm making a reality show about anorexics who love the music of Queen. It's called "Another One Fights the Crust".

For Halloween, I went to my local dance club as a skeleton, but I had no body to dance with.

I'm headed to a gay bar for a Halloween party. I hope I get the willies!!

Be safe out there, everyone! Have fun, and Happy Halloween!!

My local bar is supposedly haunted. But I say the only reason a ghost would go into a bar is for the Boos.

It's *technically* the stroke of midnight on Halloween Day, so HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! :-D

News: 17,000 atheists in the Middle East rioted today after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk.

If money is the root of all evil, why do churches beg for it?

Legal case 4 dads trying 2 get full custody: "If I put a coin in a gumball machine, is the gum mine, or the machine's?"

I no longer see my boyfriend, and it's all because of gambling... I won shitloads of money and moved to Italy.

My high school girlfriend was just like a microwave. Hot on the inside and kills any baby you put in her.

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I just won a contest for $3,000 worth of Apple products!! I'm so pleased with my new mouse and mouse pad!

a little drunk

I found out that when I was born, I was the 4,333,134,591st person alive & the 78,854,470,040th person to have lived since history began.

"It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!" Bullshit!! That's when the new game starts: "Find The Eye!"

Mental Note: Actual notes work better.

I was just with a telekinetic prostitute. It was mind-blowing!!

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People said I'd never get over my obsession with Phil Collins, but take a look at me now.

Glee: Killing songs and outing homos since 2009.

The worst time to pass a homeless man is on the way to a Coinstar machine.

Please help me! iPhone App Store problems/question: http://yhoo.it/uQ8E9N (Yahoo! Answers question - Please RT)

At the beach today, some guy asked me to spray his back. Bit of a misunderstanding and now I'm in police custody...

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Q: What's the difference between cancer and Americans? A: Cancer gets Jobs.

The worst part of being an atheist is not having anyone to talk to during orgasms!

Did u know if u rearrange the letters in 'religion', it spells 'ngoiilre'? And yet it still makes just as much sense!!

Liking your own status on Facebook is like high-fiving yourself after a wank.

Q: What's the difference between a sandwich and someone from Kentucky? A: One is in bread and the other is inbred!

"Ribbed for extra pleasure." What bullshit! That's the last time I fuck a bag of Ruffles! The salt stings!!

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My boyfriend left me because I over-exaggerate. So I'm single again for the millionth time!!

My third cousin twice removed is Muslim. I guess that's why he was removed...

I'm sick of my friends promising 2 go 2 a Whitesnake concert w/ me & then never showing up. Here I go again on my own!

My boyfriend broke up with me because of my addiction to masturbation. It made me feel like a big jerk.

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I don't claim to be a big deal...but let's just say I am what Willis was talkin' about!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you diabetes, don't make lemonade.

I warned you! Relax...it's just a bad stolen joke! No complaining allowed!!

Q: How do you turn a fruit into a vegetable? A: AIDS.

REALLY cringe-inducing one coming up in 10 minutes. I mean *really* bad. You've been warned. No complaining allowed!

When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you diabetes, don't make lemonade.

I've got a real dilemma. I keep daydreaming about my best friend sucking my cock. How should I tell him that he's gay?

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I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac.

I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

I'm not convinced that faith can move mountains, but I've seen what it can do to skyscrapers.

"Jesus Saves". Well, he wouldn't be the first Jew to do so.

I'm pretty sure the whole "ladies first" thing was created by a straight guy just to check out some ass!

I bet I can stop gambling anytime I want!

Apparently "Merlinda the Wench" is a Wizard of Oz character, according to the security guard at @FlamingoVegas! ROFL

I have Harry Potter bedsheets, because that's where all the magic happens!

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My fat friend always claims that it runs in his family, but that's a lie. Clearly no one runs in his family!

Q: What's an emo's favorite position in the bedroom? A: The darkest corner.

Since homeless people don't have rent to pay, why do they still ask for money?!

Enough depressing crap! Back to the offensive stolen joke schedule! :-)

If pancreatic cancer has affected anyone in your life, please make a donation at http://www.PanCan.org in their memory.

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According 2 the American Cancer Society, 37,679 Americans OTHER than my mom were diagnosed w/ pancreatic cancer in 2008.

Wear a purple ribbon for pancreatic cancer awareness. Visit http://www.PanCan.org for more information.

For more information on pancreatic cancer and how you can help, visit http://www.PanCan.org

My mom died 3 years ago, almost to the minute, of pancreatic cancer. I miss you so much mom. I love you!

I'm shocked & saddened about Steve Jobs' death today. Just 5 days before the 3 year anniversary of my mom's passing from the same thing!

Lost message scheduling capabilities...I'll get the joke posts up and running again soon.

I won't be using my faulty bathroom scales anymore. I've seen the error of my weighs.

I'm going to come clean today. It's about time I wasn't high when I have a wank...

Humor Hotlines: A message from the human resources department of the US Postal Service. 973-409-3460

Humor Hotlines: Help a victim of the NBA lockout! 781-452-2663

When Muslim parents use the "open wide, here comes the airplane" technique, do they just smash it in their kids' faces??

I never realized that "Boston" Rob Mariano has NEVER been a jury member on Survivor, even though he has played 4 times!

Optimists are like boners. No matter how hard you try, it's really hard to get them down.

Apparently dyslexia isn't a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35 zone.

My deodorant's instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom." I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

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There should be a show where ppl have 2 pass a round of singing b4 competing 2 see who has the most tragic back story. Oh wait... There is!

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

Knowing the facts takes all the fun out of making decisions.

Anyone else find ABC's "Pan Am" rather interesting? (Too bad it's on ABC!!)

I've named me penis Sum 41 because it's always in too deep.

Seriously... WTF?!?!?!?!?! #Weeds

Any chiropractors out there wanna help out a charity case in serious need of an adjustment??

Swine flu and bird flu won't combine to cause a global pandemic and wipe out the human race until pigs fly.

What would Catholics wear around their necks if Jesus had been beaten to death with a gigantic dildo instead?

Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

Have you ever noticed that in-the-closet homosexuals always act really homophobic? Stupid fucking fags!

My little niece came up to me today and told me she got an A in spelling. Dumb bitch! There's no A in 'spelling'!

I like my men how I like my eggs. Over-easy!

My boyfriend left me just because of my pasta-touching fetish. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

They say 1 in 6 men have chlamydia, but every man I do calls me a few weeks later to say they got it! What are the odds?!

I've decided to fight my addiction to ham sandwiches. From now on, it's cold turkey!

As I looked at the steaming logs I left in the toilet, I couldn't help but think there were better places for a campfire.

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Hey Forest Whitaker, what are you looking at? Two things at once? That's fucking awesome!

Hey Forest Whitaker, what are you looking at? Two things at once? That's fucking awesome!

The XPS 15z is one of the thinnest computers ever. And it's "a Dell". Oh, the irony...

My fucking ex made life so hard for me. Why couldn't he do the same for my dick?!

The XPS 15z is one of the thinnest computers ever. And it's "a Dell". Oh, the irony...

Statistics say that 1 in 20 lives next door to a pedophile. Not me though. I live next door to 2 stunning 12-year-olds.

I'm a member of an illiterate book club. We meet once a week to judge a book by its cover.

The local pedophile got all his windows smashed last night. There was stained glass everywhere!!

If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?

When my boyfriend suggested I get a sex toy, it turns out Robert from next door is not what he had in mind...

If Beyoncé Knowles married Andrew Castle, should she take his last name?

My ex's mouth is like a bank. Everyone makes a deposit.

I just saw a man playing tennis holding a boom box on his shoulder. It was a terrible racket.

I've been dating my bf for over 15 months. Having sex w/ only 1 person shows dedication. I don't know how he does it!!

OMG How awesome that my friends are featured on Tiffany's Love Stories! http://www.whatmakeslovetrue.com/love-stories/?main-nav#/stories/929 Main page here: http://www.whatmakeslovetrue.com

OMG How awesome that my friends are featured on Tiffany's Love Stories! http://bit.ly/pnWoSK Main page here: http://bit.ly/qPooqW

I just got fired from my job at the Kit Kat factory for taking too many breaks...

Q: How is a man's ass like a warm toilet seat? A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was just there before you!

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OMG! #Survivor premiere *AND* #CBSBigBrother finale tonight! I feel like I'm going to explode!! :-D

I laid flowers at my dad's resting place today, but it was a bit awkward when he woke up & asked why I was in his bedroom.

I put the STD in stud. All I need is U.

Behind every successful woman is an unused kitchen they she be in.

I'm taking a str8 friend to a benefit for women with double leg amputations. The place will be just crawling with pussy!

Someone should start an e-petition to raise the Twitter limit to 150 characters. 140 isn't enough to get your point across. If you agree, pl

Today is a day to honor the memory of the lives lost on this horrible day 10 years ago (almost to the minute), not a day for jokes.

I'm never going bungee jumping! A broken rubber brought me into this world -- it's definitely not going to take me out!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

My friends kept pestering me to go spelunking with them. Eventually I caved in.

I wish hookers were like an eBay promotion: No Insertion Fee!

I'm such a good cook. Even the ice I make melts in your mouth!

I wake up my neighbors with a gentle fuck each morning. I like to follow it up with an equally gentle 'you'.

Did you hear the one about the spy with Tourette's who was sworn to secrecy?

Life is like a box of chocolates. Empty due to a bunch of assholes I thought were my friends!

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

"Jam tomorrow, jam yesterday. But never, ever jam today."

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

"A lot of guys think they're George Clooney in Up In The Air when actually they're Paul Giamatti in Sideways" Mike Birbiglia

"Make the clock reverse. Bring back what once was mine."

Some guy just broke into my house! Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets...

A boyfriend once dumped me during a trip to Pompeii. He left me in ruins...

My boyfriend is so stubborn that he even charges me for phone sex!

Statistically, 9 out of 11 Americans hate September.

I just had a fight w/ my gf! She called me gullible. Until I get an apology, she's getting no more blowjobs from me!!

When I came out, the pastor at church tried to 'pray the gay away'. It worked! One prayer & I haven't been back since!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a mam, it's $4.99 per minute!

My boyfriend left me because I keep coming up with so many crappy jokes about my boyfriend leaving me.

Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? Well, tough shit! I forgot it...

"This is the Tower of Murder. And...it's where I hang out!"

"These, my power pasties, are the only force that can stop the sex beam!"

$100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

So Beyoncé is pregnant, huh?! It must be Destiny's Child!

I can't be the only one surprised that the black guy in the Old Spice commercial makes the diamonds disappear!

This year sucks! It's 9/11 for a whole month!!

Every little bit helps... :-(

I wouldn't ask except that someone who owes me is refusing to pay me back. I'm resorting to the general public. Cyberbegging, I guess...

It wasn't a joke last time I posted. If anyone out there wants to help me pay my rent I can't afford, feel free! PayPal, etc... :-'(

I've realized that my asshole is my best friend. That's pretty amazing considering all the shit we've been thru together!

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

Apparently Jay-Z now has one hundred problems!

Just got arrested! Park & Ride wasn't what I thought it was...

Just got arrested! Park & Ride wasn't what I thought it was...

Just got arrested! Park & Ride wasn't what I thought it was...

My boyfriend hates my obsession with Facebook, so I stopped liking him.

I'll try again: Does anyone either: 1) Rly love spiders, or 2) Rly love KILLING spiders? Come over & help me get to my patio storage unit!!

My doctor is incredible! He can check my prostate with both hands on my shoulders!!

I have a thing for Spanish men. I'm a Pedrophile!

Very funny animated GIF about what it's like to sleep around cats! http://bit.ly/o9kuKE

Wow I had forgotten about these card games & how much I loved them! Egyptian Ratscrew http://bit.ly/qjp1Yj & Asshole http://bit.ly/pIIXVK

Be careful ordering a cocktail in a gay bar!

I bet they tried lots of different ways to crucify Jesus before they finally nailed it.

Cum is a lot like the ocean. It's pretty salty and you love to drown your boyfriend in it!

Isn't it ironic that the Japanese invented the widescreen TV?!

Let the Real Housewives teach you a lesson, prudish ladies: If you don't blow your husbands, they will blow themselves.

I shouldn't say this, but I have this feeling that Irene is gonna take out the Statue of Liberty. :-(

My dreams of becoming a Jenga champion just fell apart!

My ex's dick is like my old laptop: infected with viruses and took forever to turn on!

Why is it such a crime to refuse to be treated poorly?!?! Not a joke. Seriously?! Why is it bad to demand fair treatment?!?!

Am I the only one that calls an umbrella a 'bumbershoot'??

Sometimes when I'm bored I like to stand in front of the mirror with a microphone and pretend it's a hairbrush.

You KNOW the economy's bad when even Apple is losing Jobs.

It's a fact that Homer Simpson loves butter. Rumour has it that he also enjoys spreading Marge.

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

If it's so finger-lickin' good, why does KFC provide napkins?

I will kill your face off.

Is it "Nobody DOES IT like Sara Lee" or "Nobody DOESN'T like Sara Lee"??

Life is like a penis. Men make it hard.

Life is like a penis. Men make it hard.

I was playing poker with a leper friend yesterday.
He must have had some pretty bad cards...he threw his hand in!

I was playing poker with a leper friend yesterday.
He must have had some pretty bad cards...he threw his hand in!

I was playing poker with a leper friend yesterday. He must have had some pretty bad cards...he threw his hand in!

Ok that seems to be all the missing ones for now... I'll try switching over to yet ANOTHER provider for these posts! :-/

A fly walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

I wasn't feeling too well this morning. Then I remembered I don't have hands...

I don't understand why we keep sending aid to Africa. Surely they have enough.

As the rescue team approached the cliff I was stuck on, one of them shouted, "Don't look down!" So I started smiling.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender: "Why the long face?" Horse: "Bcuz u tell that same fucking joke every time I come in!"

My bf said he was breaking up w/ me bcuz of my obsession w/ rhyming. I almost choked on my apple; what terrible timing!

Burger King is getting rid of their "King" mascot. Even though he was super creepy, I'm sad to see him go.

I took a blind date to a movie last night. I had a terrible time! I had to constantly describe what was happening!!

"I before E except after C" must be a Christian rule, because Atheism doesn't follow it!

When I was a kid, my dad tried to force-feed me. My mom would say, "Just use a fucking spoon, Gary. You're not a Jedi!"

When I was little my uncle took me 2 parks 2 meet other kids. It was so boring playing by myself while he got 2 know them!

A fly walks into a bar and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

I wasn't feeling too well this morning. Then I remembered I don't have hands...

My Pyramid Episode http://youtu.be/q-wGHEBhf1w (10/17/04) Was in 3 promos too http://bit.ly/n1Ez73 http://bit.ly/nuFAVb http://bit.ly/pOdurS

My Pyramid Episode http://youtu.be/q-wGHEBhf1w (10/17/04) Was in 3 promos too http://bit.ly/n1Ez73 http://bit.ly/nuFAVb http://bit.ly/pOdurS

Wanna see me on Game Show Network's "Friend or Foe?" Original air date was October 17, 2003. http://youtu.be/VdGKLE2s8W0

I don't understand why we keep sending aids to Africa. Surely they have enough.

As the rescue team approached the cliff I was stuck on, one of them shouted, "Don't look down!" So I started smiling.

Horse walks into a bar. Bartender: "Why the long face?" Horse: "Bcuz u tell that same fucking joke every time I come in!"

My bf said he was breaking up w/ me bcuz of my obsession w/ rhyming. I almost choked on my apple; what terrible timing!

Burger King is getting rid of their "King" mascot. Even though he was super creepy, I'm sad to see him go.

I took a blind date to a movie last night. I had a terrible time! I had to constantly describe what was happening!!