HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

With the amount of time this video is taking to buffer, I'm not sure what will come first: 2014 or me!

If you're considering drinking and driving tonight, remember that the police will be extremely busy and cabs charge double!

Brunette: "You wanna come to my New Year's Eve party?" Blonde: "Sure! When?"

I've thought long and hard about it, and I've finally decided on my New Year's resolution: 1024x768

I was running toward my dreams, but I tripped over reality and hit my head on the truth.

My mom wanted me to be a doctor. Sloppy handwriting is best I can do.

Religious people might be on to something by rejecting evolution. If evolution worked properly, there wouldn't be any religious people!

Blasphemy is a victimless crime.

Two types of people that annoy me: 1) Drunk people when I'm sober. 2) Sober people when I'm drunk.

Am I the only one who thinks those shaking icons on my iPhone feel like they're all panicked over who's getting deleted?

If I've ever said anything to insult you, please let me know. I might want to say it again.

If a woman says something in a forest, is she still wrong?

Does this lack of self-confidence make me look fat?

When I was a baby, my dad tried to force-feed me. After a while, my mom said, "Just use a fucking spoon, Gary. You're not a Jedi."

Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you pointed out that it wasn't mine, as I was still alive.

I got one of those new Muslim talking dolls for Christmas, but I don't know what it says yet. I'm too afraid to pull the fucking cord!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!

As a kid, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

This Christmas, naughty children will be getting some US Dollars instead of that expensive lump of coal.

fun·gry \ˈfəŋ-grē\ adj: The state of being fucking hungry.

My boyfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to him or something like that.

God works in mysterious ways. Why else would he care about people masturbating instead of feeding starving children in Africa?

My friend suffers from that disease which makes him allergic to facts. It's called "religion".

When I bought a Christmas tree, the worker asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?" I said, "No, I'll be putting it in the den."

Well, better stop fucking around with it and just get my boyfriend's time machine wrapped. It's Christmas yesterday.

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer??!?!?! Max Factor should make condoms.

I called my Japanese friend to make sure he was okay after the tsunami, but he just kept going on and on about a huge rave!

I just ended a long-term relationship. I'm not too bothered; it wasn't mine.

Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

If size doesn't matter, why isn't your vibrator three inches and crooked?!

My boyfriend told me that I just don't understand irony, which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

Nothing says 'almost caught masturbating' like having your roommate walking in on you looking at the Google homepage.

Somebody called me "pretentious" the other day. I nearly choked on my Triple Venti No-Foam 125° Caffè Latte!

Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes!

You know it was a good shit when you come back and your screensaver is on.

Looking to the bible for the answers to the universe is like watching Tron to learn how a computer works.

Like most people my age, I'm 35.

Waiting for Jesus to come back is like waiting for the straight piece in Tetris. By the time it comes, you're fucked no matter what you do.

The biggest difference between men and women is what they mean when they say "I went through a whole box of Kleenex during that movie!"

I went for a job interview as a blacksmith. He said, "Have you ever shoed a horse?" I said, "No, but I've told a donkey to fuck off."

What's (buffering 21%) the (buffering 45%) best way (buffering 69%) to lose (buffering 86%) a (buffering 100%) hardon?

If you're so much better than the leading brand, why aren't you the leading brand?

My boyfriend complained that there's no real comedic merit to my sick jokes. We argued about it for a while and then I raped him.

I was at an ATM when an old lady came up to me and asked me to check her balance. So I pushed her over.

I heard the guy in front of me in the hotel check-in line asking if the porn channel was disabled. Unbelievable what some people are into!

Q: How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a lightbulb? A: To get to the other side.

No, YouPorn, I do NOT want to play poker! I'm at work.

My boyfriend came home from work very upset yesterday and asked me to console him, so I hit him over the head with my Xbox One.

Q: How does every black joke start? A: By looking around.

ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

I used to tell a lot of religious jokes, but not any more. They put me in the sects offenders registry.

As a kid, my mom lied to me about things like Santa and the Tooth Fairy. But that I'm older I don't fall for lies anymore, THANK GOD!

My boyfriend is a porn star. He's gonna be so pissed when he finds out!

Apparently, chasing the American Dream does not count as exercise.

I once went on a date with a guy who didn't swallow. Soup everywhere!

Q: What should you do if you come across an ancient tribe in the jungle? A: Wipe them off and apologize.

Isn't it ironic that a public restroom's handicapped stall is the only one big enough to run around in?!

Why do libraries loan books on suicide when they know they won't be getting them back?

Just saw an interesting statistic. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoelaces of the deceased together. During the zombie apocalypse, it will be fucking hilarious!

Since my boyfriend died, I don't get out much. Damn jury!!!

If you want to set up a company and then run it, that's your own business.

Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist? A: No one to talk to during orgasm.

I just bought the Jehovah's Witness advent calendar. You don't open the doors.

I'm finishing up a book about human anatomy. I'm up to the appendix.

I went outside once. The graphics were okay, but the gameplay and storylines were terrible.

I wish more liquor stores had Black Friday sales!

Black Friday: A day we're willing to kill over materialistic things just a day after celebrating what we're ALREADY thankful for.

You know what? I don't see color. I just see people. I will just be calling it Friday.

Black Friday is a scam! You should be mad they overcharge you the other 364 days a year!

I'm so glad the pilgrims shot a turkey for their feast instead of a mountain lion or we'd all have to eat pussy for Thanksgiving!

Yeah baby! Reach in and grab those giblets!

I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!

Tying the legs together will keep the inside moist.

Talk about huge breasts!

And he forces his way into the end zone... ;-)

If I don't undo my pants now, I'm gonna burst! ;-)

When I push on the tip all its gravy squirts out! ;-)

That's one terrific spread!

Q: What are the feathers on a turkey's wings called? A: Turkey feathers. Duh!

Happy Thanksgiving!

If at first you don't succeed, get drunk and try again. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

If you're 10% Polish, does that make you a tad Pole?

Getting black-out drunk would be so much cooler if no one else could remember it either!

Missing: $500 Reward. If you return it, you get a cat!

Ladies, if a man says he'll fix it, he will! No need to remind him every 6 months about it!

Always remember, "i" before "e"...unless you're running a feisty heist on your weird beige neighbor.

If there was such a thing as a Dog, he wouldn't make people dyslexic!

Jesus says, "Come forth, and I will give you eternal glory." I hear fifth place is a toaster!

Sex with my boyfriend was rough last night. I opened my eyes.

You wanna cry? Try using a tissue! It works much better than your Facebook status.

Remember before the internet when people ate food and didn't need to tell everyone about it?

Just read some statistics on the most common way that people walk when drunk... It's staggering.

You know what really pisses me off? People who answer their own questions.

You can't judge a cover by the book either.

Men are like video games. When they get too difficult, you have to cheat!

Some skinny girl just made fun of my weight problem, but I didn't get angry. I guess I really am the bigger person!

I force my cats to watch those animal abuse commercials just to show them how good they have it.

Does the Arachnophobia Society has a web site?

There are about 20 members at my epilepsy awareness meetings now. We meet in a small room, but we all fit in there nicely.

I just started following the French military on Twitter. They're famous for retweeting.

Virginity is a lot like rational thinking. If you happen to visit the church regularly, you'll probably lose it before you're 14.

You think YOU have lag? It took Jesus 3 days to respawn!

"Fancy a shag?" is not the best way to greet customers at Carpeteria.

Wow, the Ukrainian Paralympics team is massive! Looks like Chernobyl finally paid off!

I might as well be a proctologist... I'm already surrounded by assholes all day!

Time heals all wounds...as most video game designers will tell you.

My new boyfriend is a cage fighter. They all are for the first day or two at least.

We had a team-building competition at work, and I won!

I've always wondered which is more important: length or girth? Turns out it's consent!

I watched The Elephant Man for the first time and I was extremely disappointed. He wasn't even a fucking superhero!

If you truly love someone, set them free. If they come back to you with the police, you shouldn't have let them go in the first place.

Bad metaphors really make my goat boil.

If karma is real, why don't pigeons get shit on?!

I like my bank's service of texting me my account balance...I just don't like it when they add 'LOL' at the end.

Jesus fed 5,000 people fish and Muhammed raped a child... That's the difference between net prophet and gross prophet.

Why the hell are defendants sworn in on a book that would be thrown out due to lack of evidence?

Poop is a really crappy palindrome!

I met a Russian doll She was so full of herself!!

I just watched my first gay porn and it really got me thinking... I can't believe how much skinnier I was back then!!

I keep getting the urge to purchase a big white bear from the Arctic. My doctor says I may have buy polar disorder.

All women have a good side. It's the one without the vagina.

A war horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long film?"

The best part about watching porn on my phone is being able to choke myself with my headphones at the same time.

Don't loan people money. It gives them amnesia!

That's not the voting lever, but don't stop pulling.

"Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote." ~George Jean Nathan

Stephen Hawking claims his wife is amazing in bed. She must really know how to push his buttons!

The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.

Never let your kids go near a dog without a collar...or a man who wears one.

I don't quit my local priest for leaving the church. I'd quit too if my boss never showed up!

If I post again in 59 minutes, it would technically be posted before this one, right?

I just got back from a date with a guy who works at the stock exchange. He kept playing FTSE under the table.

I saw a band last night called Déjà Vu. Have you heard them before?

I have a rape whistle. I don't need one...I just like to keep souvenirs!

According to the Aztec calendar, we have to wait until March 26, 2407 for jack shit to happen again.

¡Feliz Día de Muertos!

Q: Why don't witches wear panties? A: To get a better grip on the broom!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

Is a witch's favorite subject in school spelling?

A married man on average lives longer than a single man... Another clever way by women to prolong the suffering of straight men.

I heard there's going to be an Angry Birds movie coming out this year, but I won't be going to see it. I hate chick flicks!

Being single and unemployed is actually a lot like being married. I don't get any sex and I'm always broke!

Q: What does the Big Bang Theory have that Greece doesn't? A: A Penny.

What's wrong with this country?! Why do we think guns will protect us but healthcare will destroy us??

Wouldn't using the cutting room trash can instead make for a much cleaner workplace?

Adam and Eve's children would have had to procreate through incest. This is surely proof that Alabama was at one time the Garden of Eden!

God created man and said, "That's perfect!" He then created woman, took a long look and said, "Fuck! This'll have to wear makeup!"

Maybe we should be focusing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don't sleep in the same bed anymore.

My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.

If you make a duck face, don't be offended when I start throwing little pieces of bread at you.

I just changed my calling plan. Now I have unlimited free calling to India. Let's see how they fucking like it!

There's no "we" in food. Get the fuck away from me.

Of all the utensils that were invented to eat rice with, how the fuck did two sticks win?!

I just had phone sex. My ass is still ringing!

New releases this week at Blockbuster: The Staff

Gandalf had everyone flee to kill the balrog himself & not share the XP. Shows up next film with fancy new robes & everything. What a jerk!

Everything is a vagina! There, I just saved you the rental fee on a headset during your next visit to any modern art museum!

I had a fight with my erection I beat it single-handedly!

Women don't know REAL pain... I just stepped on a fucking Lego with bare feet!

If women were meant to be sluts, Eve would've fucked the first guy she met!!

Atheism and religion are two sides of the same coin. People on one side use their heads while the rest believe in tales.

I've lived through 1/1/1, 2/2/2, 3/3/3, 4/4/4, 5/5/5, 6/6/6, 7/7/7, 8/8/8, 9/9/9, 10/10/10, 11/11/11, and 12/12/12. Am I cool or what?!?!

Finally found a way to get my horrible stolen jokes posting again! :-)

I miss the days when making a duck face required two Pringles.

I've been hard at work all day. Luckily, none of the kids in my class noticed.

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat...stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." But apparently Saturdays do!

Every time I watch porn I end up thinking, "There's no fucking way that horse is 18!!"

Chris Brown totaled his Porsche. Apparently the GPS lady was talking back to him.

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

For Valentine's Day I'm going all out. Champagne, a candle lit dinner, & a truly memorable night of passion... I even washed my wank sock!

It's Valentine's Day. Don't worry about getting me what you got me last year. I have enough restraining orders already.

It's Valentine's Day. Don't worry about getting me what you got me last year. I have enough restraining orders already.

Q: What do fat chicks get for Valentine's Day? A: Depressed.

Q: What do fat chicks get for Valentine's Day? A: Depressed.

A Valentine's Day Poem: "Roses are red, That much is true. But violets are purple, Not fucking blue!"

A Valentine's Day Poem: "Roses are red, That much is true. But violets are purple, Not fucking blue!"

I was trying to figure out roughly how long it would take to watch a season of 24. In the end I just called it a day.

If your Uncle Jack helped you off a horse, would you help your Uncle Jack off a horse?

So a king rules a kingdom and an emperor rules an empire. Who rules a country?

I just read a disgusting book filled with pedophilia, rape, incest, violence, domestic abuse, and murder. It's called "The Bible".

Why is Fantasmic playing on Carrie Underwood's dress?! #Grammys

I'm like a god to my kids. They've never met me and they're not sure I really exist.

This $22 cocktail tastes like I'm dumb.

I almost forgot to check in at the gym on Foursquare. What a waste of a workout that would've been!!

I just discovered a cure for social awkwardness. Hint: It's vodka.

I put my phone on airplane mode and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever!! (via Karen)

If its wrong to cook yourself a steak dinner at 4:15am, I don't want to be right!

I want a man that makes my dick hard, not my life.

I miss the days when making a duck face required two Pringles.

I've been hard at work all day. Luckily, none of the kids in my class noticed.

"Neither snow nor rain nor heat...stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds." But apparently Saturdays do!

Every time I watch porn I end up thinking, "There's no fucking way that horse is 18!!"

If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?

Just randomly remembered "Romper Room" for some reason... How'd that bitch always see me in my house anyway?!?! ;-)

I'm never quite sure what the technique is best to use when I'm having a wank, so I use a Bop-It to give me commands.

Ray Lewis killed the power. Allegedly.

So the winners of the Super Bowl still have to live in Baltimore? Sounds like they lost to me...

Hey Ray Lewis, what's better? Winning the Super Bowl or getting away with murder?

NFL: No Fucking Lights

Stevie Wonder is lucky he didn't have to see that commercial!

Q: What do you call a pedophile in a ridiculous pointy hat? A: Your Holiness.

Ok Dodge, I know we all want a farmer in us, but do you have to involve god?! #terriblecommercial

Plans For Later Tonight: 1) Get Drunk. 2) Eat Jack in the Box's Hot Mess.

What a coincidence!!! I too have blacked out in New Orleans!

If god wanted us to believe in him, he'd exist.

I just took a hot shower. It's like a regular shower, but with me in it.

I know that's definitely not my ringtone, but I'm going to have to check my phone anyway.

Fellatio: A taste of things to cum.

I'm not saying I'm Batman. I'm just saying nobody has ever seen me and Batman in the same room.

If you masturbate in the next 5 minutes, we'll be doing it together. Just something to think about...

I wrote a joke about unemployment earlier, but I didn't post it. It still needs work.

"Excuse me, sir. Would you like some upsexy?" "What's upsexy?" "Nothing much, and yourself?"

I hate One Direction Fans. I need my whole room to cool down, but this fucking thing only points one way!

I don't watch Downton Abbey but I have a feeling some shite happened. (via Jeremy Williams)

If Anne Hathaway doesn't say "Anne hath away" when she leaves a room or "Anne hath arrived" when she walks into one, what a waste!

Confidence, self respect, humility, my cock, patience, honesty, and loyalty are some of the qualities I want in a man.

Never trust people who smile before 9am!

I got an email chain letter telling me that every time I masturbate, god kills a puppy. How ironic! Every time I kill a puppy, I masturbate!

A church with a lightning rod shows a decided lack of confidence.

Valentine's Day is coming... It's not too late to break up!

If I had humility, I'd be perfect!

Check out my new matchmaking service for lonely people on their deathbeds. It's called Expiration Dates. (via an RT by @MauiLUVSJohnny)

My doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream. Now all I want to do is rub it in.

I could never cheat in a relationship because that would require TWO people to find me attractive!

I never polish my mirror, which reflects badly on me.

Opinions are like a dick. It's not fun having one unless it's crammed down someone else's throat!

One bear. That's the bear minimum.

Q: What do you call a mouse with no balls? A: Optical

If there's enough room to spell "BOOTYLICIOUS" on the back of your shorts, it probably isn't.

That's the last time I go out drinking with an optimist! Every time I finished a round, his glass was still half full!

I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the LAST time I buy store-brand toilet paper!

Some people turn to god...I turn to vodka. I don't see any difference. My life is still being guided by a spirit!

First god made man. Then he had a good idea: Bacon! Then he thought, "Shit! I need to make something to cook it!"

My Kindle just finished reading "Fifty Shades of Grey" to me. It was like getting an obscene phone call from Stephen Hawking!

That does it! The next person who questions my masculinity is gonna get a face-full of piping hot lavender tea!

Did You Know: Blueberry Jelly Bellies were created especially for Ronald Reagan.

Working on a new film about an unhappy homosexual woman. It's called Miserable Les.

I had a dream last night that I killed all those guys with 'swag' and their duckface girlfriends. I called it the Yolocaust.

Just saw the final Dora episode! She explored a windowless van.

Commercials lie. I've never been at a party & some dude...shares 12 Taco Bell tacos & the hot girls eat them. Never. (via @markjakejohnson)

My friend just asked me what my favorite mythical creature was. I said, "Those happy women in Tampax commercials."

In the U.K., the TV show is actually called "Who Wants £999,990?" The camera adds the extra ten pounds.

I like my men like I like my weekend: Filled with booze and gone by Monday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator... I just never got around to it.

Everything is a sexual innuendo if you think long and hard about it.

My boyfriend hates it when I sneak up on him. According to his lawyer, he also hates it when I call him my boyfriend.

Church logic: It is morally wrong and forbidden to be gay...unless it's with ten-year-olds.

"Knock knock!" "Who's there?" "God." "God who?" ...

Q) What do you call somebody who enters the middle class and promptly leaves it? A) An In-n-Out Burgher (via @ice9tre as his present!)

Q) Who decides what is surreal? A) Yes. (via @ice9tre - I told him that for his birthday, he could write today's jokes! Funny, right?)

It's now officially Trevor's birthday! Happy Birthday Trevor! ILYSM! NYGTFM!! ;-) @ice9tre

My boyfriend and I are very close to some amazing sex right now! It's on the other side of this hotel room wall...

Shania Twain has given birth to a baby boy. I hope she names him Choo Choo!

I would unfriend you, but I enjoy laughing at your life.

I've been using the same gag to get men into bed for five years now. I really should get a new one...this one's got blood on it.

If I was a bird, I know who I'd shit on.

I always thought guys were playing 'hard to get'. Turns out I'm a rapist.

I've done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but at least I've never signed up for a gym in January.

My penis pump stopped working. He says his arm hurts.

65% of Canadians are excited to once again allow a hockey team to determine their happiness!

With all these protests going on in India over the gang tape death, who's manning the phones?!

So how DO you solve a problem like Maria??

Have you heard about the new Exorcist film that's in production? They get the demon to take the priest out of the child!

Arguing w/ a Christian is like playing chess w/ a pigeon. They'll knock over all the pieces, shit on the board, & strut around triumphantly.

I like my men like I like my hangovers: Gone by the time I wake up!

My friend said, "Ya know, 12/12/12 will only happen once in a lifetime!" Yeah, EVERY date only happens once, moron! That's how time works.

I think ugly people only have kids to prove that someone will have sex with them.

I hate when I'm having a great day and then someone speaks to me.

I just had sex even though I had a headache. Hear that, ladies?! No one died!! (You're welcome, straight guys!)

A movie ticket for a baby should cost at least $50!

Did you know I can tell the gender of someone just by the size of their penis?

I'm really worried about the bird flu. I saw a pigeon in my backyard today... I think it was a carrier.

RIP 2012 (2012-2012)

Can anyone recommend a good wine that complements forced anal?

Yes, auld acquaintance probably *should* be forgot.

Drunk drunk so drunk woo hooooooo

HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM THE LAS VEGAS STRIP, BABY!!