I'm going to come clean today. It's about time I wasn't high when I have a wank...

Humor Hotlines: A message from the human resources department of the US Postal Service. 973-409-3460

Humor Hotlines: Help a victim of the NBA lockout! 781-452-2663

When Muslim parents use the "open wide, here comes the airplane" technique, do they just smash it in their kids' faces??

I never realized that "Boston" Rob Mariano has NEVER been a jury member on Survivor, even though he has played 4 times!

Optimists are like boners. No matter how hard you try, it's really hard to get them down.

Apparently dyslexia isn't a good excuse for driving 53 in a 35 zone.

My deodorant's instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom." I can barely walk but when I fart the room smells lovely.

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There should be a show where ppl have 2 pass a round of singing b4 competing 2 see who has the most tragic back story. Oh wait... There is!

I wonder what fish smelled like before women went swimming?

Knowing the facts takes all the fun out of making decisions.

Anyone else find ABC's "Pan Am" rather interesting? (Too bad it's on ABC!!)

I've named me penis Sum 41 because it's always in too deep.

Seriously... WTF?!?!?!?!?! #Weeds

Any chiropractors out there wanna help out a charity case in serious need of an adjustment??

Swine flu and bird flu won't combine to cause a global pandemic and wipe out the human race until pigs fly.

What would Catholics wear around their necks if Jesus had been beaten to death with a gigantic dildo instead?

Science flies you to the moon. Religion flies you into buildings.

Have you ever noticed that in-the-closet homosexuals always act really homophobic? Stupid fucking fags!

My little niece came up to me today and told me she got an A in spelling. Dumb bitch! There's no A in 'spelling'!

I like my men how I like my eggs. Over-easy!

My boyfriend left me just because of my pasta-touching fetish. I'm feeling cannelloni right now.

They say 1 in 6 men have chlamydia, but every man I do calls me a few weeks later to say they got it! What are the odds?!

I've decided to fight my addiction to ham sandwiches. From now on, it's cold turkey!

As I looked at the steaming logs I left in the toilet, I couldn't help but think there were better places for a campfire.

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

Hey Forest Whitaker, what are you looking at? Two things at once? That's fucking awesome!

Hey Forest Whitaker, what are you looking at? Two things at once? That's fucking awesome!

The XPS 15z is one of the thinnest computers ever. And it's "a Dell". Oh, the irony...

My fucking ex made life so hard for me. Why couldn't he do the same for my dick?!

The XPS 15z is one of the thinnest computers ever. And it's "a Dell". Oh, the irony...

Statistics say that 1 in 20 lives next door to a pedophile. Not me though. I live next door to 2 stunning 12-year-olds.

I'm a member of an illiterate book club. We meet once a week to judge a book by its cover.

The local pedophile got all his windows smashed last night. There was stained glass everywhere!!

If we're all God's children, what makes Jesus so special?

When my boyfriend suggested I get a sex toy, it turns out Robert from next door is not what he had in mind...

If Beyoncé Knowles married Andrew Castle, should she take his last name?

My ex's mouth is like a bank. Everyone makes a deposit.

I just saw a man playing tennis holding a boom box on his shoulder. It was a terrible racket.

I've been dating my bf for over 15 months. Having sex w/ only 1 person shows dedication. I don't know how he does it!!

OMG How awesome that my friends are featured on Tiffany's Love Stories! http://www.whatmakeslovetrue.com/love-stories/?main-nav#/stories/929 Main page here: http://www.whatmakeslovetrue.com

OMG How awesome that my friends are featured on Tiffany's Love Stories! http://bit.ly/pnWoSK Main page here: http://bit.ly/qPooqW

I just got fired from my job at the Kit Kat factory for taking too many breaks...

Q: How is a man's ass like a warm toilet seat? A: They both feel good, but you wonder who was just there before you!

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

OMG! #Survivor premiere *AND* #CBSBigBrother finale tonight! I feel like I'm going to explode!! :-D

I laid flowers at my dad's resting place today, but it was a bit awkward when he woke up & asked why I was in his bedroom.

I put the STD in stud. All I need is U.

Behind every successful woman is an unused kitchen they she be in.

I'm taking a str8 friend to a benefit for women with double leg amputations. The place will be just crawling with pussy!

Someone should start an e-petition to raise the Twitter limit to 150 characters. 140 isn't enough to get your point across. If you agree, pl

Today is a day to honor the memory of the lives lost on this horrible day 10 years ago (almost to the minute), not a day for jokes.

I'm never going bungee jumping! A broken rubber brought me into this world -- it's definitely not going to take me out!

Let me refer u to ING Direct for a new acct. U get a $25 bonus, I get $10! FREE MONEY!! Contact me for info.

My friends kept pestering me to go spelunking with them. Eventually I caved in.

I wish hookers were like an eBay promotion: No Insertion Fee!

I'm such a good cook. Even the ice I make melts in your mouth!

I wake up my neighbors with a gentle fuck each morning. I like to follow it up with an equally gentle 'you'.

Did you hear the one about the spy with Tourette's who was sworn to secrecy?

Life is like a box of chocolates. Empty due to a bunch of assholes I thought were my friends!

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"Jam tomorrow, jam yesterday. But never, ever jam today."

U already check in places on @foursquare & other apps, so y not get cash w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp

"A lot of guys think they're George Clooney in Up In The Air when actually they're Paul Giamatti in Sideways" Mike Birbiglia

"Make the clock reverse. Bring back what once was mine."

Some guy just broke into my house! Thankfully the only thing he took was one of my bullets...

A boyfriend once dumped me during a trip to Pompeii. He left me in ruins...

My boyfriend is so stubborn that he even charges me for phone sex!

Statistically, 9 out of 11 Americans hate September.

I just had a fight w/ my gf! She called me gullible. Until I get an apology, she's getting no more blowjobs from me!!

When I came out, the pastor at church tried to 'pray the gay away'. It worked! One prayer & I haven't been back since!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a mam, it's $4.99 per minute!

My boyfriend left me because I keep coming up with so many crappy jokes about my boyfriend leaving me.

Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? Well, tough shit! I forgot it...

"This is the Tower of Murder. And...it's where I hang out!"

"These, my power pasties, are the only force that can stop the sex beam!"

$100.00 off new DirecTV acct 4 BOTH of us! Call 877-4-100-EACH & give them acct number 26071932 (Michael Parisi).

So Beyoncé is pregnant, huh?! It must be Destiny's Child!

I can't be the only one surprised that the black guy in the Old Spice commercial makes the diamonds disappear!

This year sucks! It's 9/11 for a whole month!!

Every little bit helps... :-(

I wouldn't ask except that someone who owes me is refusing to pay me back. I'm resorting to the general public. Cyberbegging, I guess...

It wasn't a joke last time I posted. If anyone out there wants to help me pay my rent I can't afford, feel free! PayPal, etc... :-'(