People are calling Rebecca Black "the female Justin Bieber", which is a bit like calling someone "the gay Perez Hilton".

I spend my spare time eating watches... It's time consuming!

People can't stand being corrected! My friend's kid was playing hangman in school and pointed out that the teacher forgot to color him in.

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Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? A:

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Q: What do you get if you cross a Jew? A: Christianity.

I just blacked out! I joined a gang, stabbed an old lady, raped her, lost my job, sold some drugs, & pimped out my sister!

.@Rosie has a good point! Why is #NBC advertising #Smash as "the Mon after the Super Bowl"? Smash's key demo has no idea when that is!! LOL

I'm going to microwave a spider and let it bite me... Superpowers, here I come!!

"AT&T [dropped] Tiger Woods as a spokesman [because] they're...jealous he's been in more hotspots than their 3G network." -Jim Norton

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Q: What do you get if you cross a dyslexic, an atheist, and an insomniac? A: Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a Dog.

My boyfriend left me for always telling crappy dinosaur jokes. I don't remember telling any, but I mastodon it!

Give a man a job and you have an employee. Teach a man how to shift blame and you have a manager.

Q: How many Alzheimer patients does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Fish & chips!

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Relationships are like fat people. Most of them just don't work out.

I could listen to my boyfriend talk forever...but this dick wont suck itself!!

I joined a cult. It must be good...it has millions of followers and even website! Funny name though: "Twitter"!

Helpful domain with a very unfortunate name: therapistfinder.com

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My bf hates my wordplay jokes. I asked if he wants me to stop. He said, "By any means necessary." "No it doesn't," I said.

I saw a sign at a church that read "CH-RCH: There's only one thing missing." I'm not sure "CHPROOFRCH" is even a word!!

The Bible is like software terms & conditions. Nobody reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click "I agree".

And duh, #Survivor people, it's NOT the first time in Survivor history! Two tribes lived together one one beach in Thailand, Season 5!

It's such a shame that no one on the new #Survivor is all that cute!!

It's such a shame that no one on the new #Survivor is all that cute!!

I'm gay but can't keep women off me! A women just yelled, "I want u to fuck me!" It's true! U can ask Brad Pitt...he was right behind me!

I really want to make out with Michael Bublé. I just haven't met him yet.

Q: What's the difference between a wine and a whine? A: A wine comes from grapes and a whine comes from rapes.

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I was offered that job I wanted as a Tourette's counselor, but I told them to fuck off! I start on Monday.

It's the 3rd time this week I've argued with my roommate about his obsession with musicals. Mamma Mia, here we go again!

My life is a game of Clue. My relationship is dead. Apparently the plumber did it, in the bedroom, with my boyfriend!

If I won an award for laziness, I'd probably send sometime to go pick it up for me...

I got kicked out of the pool today. Apparently the breaststroke isn't what I thought it was...

Dammit! Over 2 weeks into the year of the Dragon, and I'm still writing fucking Rabbit on my checks!

"I have a dream that one day we will all own plasma TVs and fancy shoes..." -Martin Looter King

Someone once had a dream so now we can't get mail or deposit checks today?!?!

If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholics would wear little electric chairs around their necks instead!!

If God wanted us to believe in him, then he would have existed!

This end of the world in Dec 2012 crap only means one thing... There's gonna be shitloads of babies born in Sept 2013!

Please ignore this. I'm in public alone and don't want to look like a loner, so I'm making it seem like I'm texting.

Q:Why do brides wear white? A: So the dishwasher matches the fridge. (Credit to my friend Zach for this one! Hehe)

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Speeding doesn't kill... The sudden stop does!

I gave my boyfriend a 'Pearl Harbor' for his birthday today. It's like a 'pearl necklace', but in his enormous bunghole.

Voldemort is a teenage girl! He has a diary, a favorite ring & necklace, a tiara, & an obsession w/ a famous teenage boy.

I'd love to re-edit porn videos just to add the sound of a car door closing randomly in the middle of the video!

Get PAID to check in w/ @wereward?! Pls sign up w/ my referral link: http://we.rw/pUUp (sign up FIRST, then download app and sign in)

I've been offered money to do some diving at the Olympics. I'll be going down in the second round of my first fight.

Q: How are rapists and Facebook similar? A: Neither one asks before they poke you.

My friend came back from the gym and said, "Check out my forearms!" Idiot! He only has two!!

Does it count as the Mile-High Club if you're flying solo?

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I just heard that my old hairstylist got arrested. I hope he doesn't curl up and dye in prison!

Tracy Morgan annoys the crap out of me!

Q: What's the difference between a hooker and Jesus? A: The look on their face when you're nailing them.

The church is against homosexuality because it's 'unnatural'. Yeah, and walking on fucking water isn't?!?!

Are narcissistic pedophiles committing a crime if it's their OWN baby pictures they're caught with?!

Always remember: You are unique, just like everyone else!

The Jacksonville Jaguars are the Jags & the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are the Bucs. What does that make the Tennessee Titans?

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It's terrible that our soldiers fought for our freedom just so we can go to church and be told exactly what to do!!

The best way to smuggle drugs is up a dog's ass. If the drug dog suspects anything, the cops just think he's being frisky!

I asked my boyfriend if he wanted anything to eat. He asked what his choices were. I told him "Yes or no."

My dishwasher stopped working after I added too much detergent. How was I supposes to know it would poison her?!

Cult: A small, unpopular religion. Religion: A large, popular cult.

I think my relationship is over. Nowadays it's all ups and downs but no ins and outs!

That deadly video tape from The Ring probably wouldn't kill too many people these days, considering no one has a VCR!

Show of hands: Who would rather have a sea anemone than a semen enema?

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My friend asked me if I could help him read his map. I said, "Of course I can... I'm a fucking legend!"

Christianity: One woman's lie to cover up an affair that got seriously out of hand.

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Since the New Year starts on a Sunday, let's start it off right...by telling offensive religious jokes!!

I didn't get as drunk as I wanted to... Oh well... :-/